Cheater?

Maggie Simpson

Okay this might seem like a crazy post but please bear with me.

My BF was away at his Christmas party last night. Woke up this morning with weird feeling that he was with someone. I sometimes get these hunches that turn out to be right.......

So I did the unthinkable. I called his voicemail & listened to his messages - he had 3 voicemails from lads at work all around 3am & all alluding to the fact that he was:

‘Getting his h’
‘When that girl’s finished licking your.......call me’
‘What dirty stuff are you up to?’

He swears blind nothing happened. Am I crazy to think that his friends got wrong end of stick or fooling myself?

I said I’d speak properly with him later but I really don’t know how to handle this.

If anyone can please please help with any advice?

kenbrady

Maggie Simpson wrote: »

My BF was away at his Christmas party last night. Woke up this morning with weird feeling that he was with someone. I sometimes get these hunches that turn out to be right.......

So I did the unthinkable. I called his voicemail & listened to his messages

If anyone can please please help with any advice?

You clearly don't trust your boyfriend so the relationship is doomed

Maggie Simpson wrote: »

- he had 3 voicemails from lads at work all around 3am & all alluding to the fact that he was:

‘Getting his h’
‘When that girl’s finished licking your.......call me’
‘What dirty stuff are you up to?’

He swears blind nothing happened. Am I crazy to think that his friends got wrong end of stick or fooling myself?

I said I’d speak properly with him later but I really don’t know how to handle this.

If anyone can please please help with any advice?

Based on the messages, obviously something happened, might not have been cheating, but he was up to something, flirting, dancing, walked home with another girl.

Kiraandliamo

oooh, tough one! if is smells like afish and it looks like a fish.... its a fish!... 9 times out of ten. the worse thing you could have done is ask him or accuse him. the more you make someone aware that your a suspicious person the more chance they will cheat cos they get the attitude of.."they think im a cheat anyway so why not"

you have two choices:

1. byde your time and watch everything like a hawk until youve enough proof they are a cheat.. then dump their ass and find someone worth it.

2. Try not to be paranoid and give your partner the benefit of the doubt and dont go looking for trouble cos youll end up finding something small and blowing it out of proportion.

like i said though, if you love him and want to keep him... go easy on the accusations.. they arent easily forgotten if he's innocent especially!

Maggie Simpson

sunflower27 wrote: »

Hi OP

I a m another person that goes on 'hunches' and am always right even when my nan passed away as a kid and I didnt know she was sick, so I get what you mean.

Seems odd that all his friends thought he was off with someone.

What time was he out till? I take it you don't live together?

It could be a sick joke but seems a bit odd that his mates would jump to that conclusion if he went home alone.

Your bf is not going to admit it now is he. And his friends will no doubt have been told to say it was a joke if you contact them.

I suppose only you can decide if you want to believe him.

Am sorry, must have been awful hearing that.

We do live together but the party was about 2 hours away - night in hotel, usual.....

The lads were calling from one of the other hotel rooms.

I feel sick.

Maggie Simpson

Kiraandliamo wrote: »

oooh, tough one! if is smells like afish and it looks like a fish.... its a fish!... 9 times out of ten. the worse thing you could have done is ask him or accuse him. the more you make someone aware that your a suspicious person the more chance they will cheat cos they get the attitude of.."they think im a cheat anyway so why not"

you have two choices:

1. byde your time and watch everything like a hawk until youve enough proof they are a cheat.. then dump their ass and find someone worth it.

2. Try not to be paranoid and give your partner the benefit of the doubt and dont go looking for trouble cos youll end up finding something small and blowing it out of proportion.

like i said though, if you love him and want to keep him... go easy on the accusations.. they arent easily forgotten if he's innocent especially!

That's good avice - except that he was very calm when I accued him of f'ing someone else last night. Not at all angry about it. Strange.

Kiraandliamo

What does your instincts tell you... Im a guy who once cheated on someone but never have since out of guilt. everyone is different. If it feels wrong and you dont trust them things are in a downward spiral and you need to prepare yourself for being on your own. If it were me id let it go for now and keep a really close eye on him and try to keep your emotions to yourself. i know thats hard but its the only way of getting to the bottom of it. if you do find they are cheating then just leave without an arguement... you dont have to explain yourself to someone who does that.

Maggie Simpson

Kiraandliamo wrote: »

What does your instincts tell you... Im a guy who once cheated on someone but never have since out of guilt. everyone is different. If it feels wrong and you dont trust them things are in a downward spiral and you need to prepare yourself for being on your own. If it were me id let it go for now and keep a really close eye on him and try to keep your emotions to yourself. i know thats hard but its the only way of getting to the bottom of it. if you do find they are cheating then just leave without an arguement... you dont have to explain yourself to someone who does that.

My instincts tell me that he got drunk and f'd someone.

But I'll never know if he did cause he'll lie. I know he did this before, years ago. he was with someone for a few years & cheated on her when he was away with work, with a few different people, a few different times. So he's got form.

He actually lives in my house with me so he's out on his ass if he did.

The Recliner

OK given that you are convinced he has cheated on you and you have some incriminating evidence and know that he is capable of lying about it, what are you going to do about it?

Kiraandliamo

I agree with the recliner... you need to stop talking tough and start figuring out which way is forward. I think you need to give yourself time to relax and see it clearer. your raw at the moment and youll only do somethin rash and regret it. I do feel for you. Its a horrible thing but remember who the better person is.. Best of luck!

kenbrady

Kiraandliamo wrote: »

1. byde your time and watch everything like a hawk until youve enough proof they are a cheat.. then dump their ass and find someone worth it.

Kiraandliamo wrote: »

keep a really close eye on him and try to keep your emotions to yourself. i know thats hard but its the only way of getting to the bottom of it.

Madness, stay in a relationship with someone you don't trust so you can find evidence they cheated and then dump them. That would destroy you as a person.

The Recliner wrote: »

OK given that you are convinced he has cheated on you and you have some incriminating evidence and know that he is capable of lying about it, what are you going to do about it?

You are convinced he cheated and is lying to you, why are you going out with him ?

Maggie Simpson

kenbrady wrote: »

You are convinced he cheated and is lying to you, why are you going out with him ?

Gimme a break - this just happened today!!!

Kiraandliamo

kenbrady wrote: »

Madness, stay in a relationship with someone you don't trust so you can find evidence they cheated and then dump them. That would destroy you as a person.


You are convinced he cheated and is lying to you, why are you going out with him ?

Easy for you to say Ken. Not everyone is as hard as that. When your in a mentally abusive relationship your self esteem prevents you from doing the tough choices thing and just dumping someone. some people are softer natured and get hurt cos of it. you need alot of support from your family and friends before you walk away from a long term relationship and especially when you live with someone..

The Recliner

Maggie Simpson wrote: »

Gimme a break - this just happened today!!!

And despite telling him you will talk about it properly with him later you don't have too

Take your time and digest what you know and what you suspect and try and rationalise it

You need to be fair to both yourself and your relationship, it would be unfair to finish things based on a suspicion without proper proof or an admission but also it would be unfair to continue if you feel you cannot trust him

kenbrady

Maggie Simpson wrote: »

Gimme a break - this just happened today!!!

The mistrust will last a lifetime.

You want proof so you can dump him or know nothing happened.
Next time he goes away to a party in a hotel are you going to go down and spy on him.

You think he would cheat on you and lie to you about it, that is not a stable, happy relationship.

Maggie Simpson

The Recliner wrote: »

And despite telling him you will talk about it properly with him later you don't have too

That's good advice - think I'll leave it for a day or so.

The Recliner wrote: »

You need to be fair to both yourself and your relationship, it would be unfair to finish things based on a suspicion without proper proof or an admission but also it would be unfair to continue if you feel you cannot trust him

Thanks Recliner. What I heard isn't "proof" but it's enough for me to ask myself a few questions.......

The Recliner

sunflower27 wrote: »

The Recliner - cut the woman some slack. She's still in bl00dy shock for God's sake.

Em I don't think I haven't given her slack, I am just trying to get her to think about it rationally before doing anything, no point in rowing over what could possibly be nothing and no point not doing something about it if it isn't nothing

Feel free to offer some better advice though

Moomoo1

sometimes lads will play these jokes on each other, making it seem that someone did the dirty when in fact they were just passed out drunk somewhere.

but hunches are often right...

Maggie Simpson

I told him I listened to his messages. He doesn't care, not angry, nothing. Weird??He also said that he didn't do anything & that he has a rep. in the company & that some of the lads would assume that if he wasn't there he was with a woman. Told you he's got form.Think I may have a dog living in my house. One with fleas.

The Recliner

Maggie Simpson wrote: »

I told him I listened to his messages. He doesn't care, not angry, nothing. Weird??He also said that he didn't do anything & that he has a rep. in the company & that some of the lads would assume that if he wasn't there he was with a woman. Told you he's got form.Think I may have a dog living in my house. One with fleas.

I am not trying to defend the guy or anything, just playing devils advocate here but:

It is quite possible that he has a reputation from the past and lads do like playing up to a reputation like that even if it isn't or wasn't true

And boys being boys and being childish it is possible that his work collegues might jump to conclusions if he went home early

The fact that he isn't annoyed you listened to his messages is odd though, it would annoy me even if I had nothing to hide

The main issue here (assuming you can't be sure of infidelity) is trust and whether you trust him or can trust him again

ash23

It's hard to know OP.
You have no definite proof, only suspicion.

Question is will you

a) Decide to let it go and forget about it
b) Decide to let it go but spend the next god knows how long driving yourself insane thinking about it
c) Dump him but drive yourself mad thinking you might have been making a mistake
d) dump him and forget about him


Human nature being what it is, it will probably be b or c. I went with b when I was in a similar situation. Stuck it out for a year and then found out I had been right. But I'm not sure option c would have been a better one.

I don't envy you at all.

All I can suggest is that you try to get some evidence of his cheating (if it happened).

ergo

tough situation OP

just a point

ages ago when I was back in college and in a fully faithful 4 year relationship, at the end of one night out I gave a girl a lift home (actually a "backer" on my bicycle :rolleyes: - it being college and all....!)...nothing happened at all - peck on the cheek goodbye outside her house (as she was leaving the country the next day) but I'm pretty sure there were voicemails left for me by the lads asking where had I disappeared to and calling me a "dirty dog" etc etc

although if my then-gf had listened to my voicemails I would've gone mental

another point: one of my best friends somehow gained a bit of a rep as a ladies man or womaniser - very hard to shake off - even though he's well settled now

now, I'm not defending your bf - it sounds pretty suspicious to me. I'm not sure how you could find out what actually happened..

best of luck anyway, it is a tough one