wat to do

LegacyUser

Been with my gf nearly 5 yrs and things are unbelievable. Both in our early / mid 20's. She told me yesterday she is thinking of going travelling for a year with a friend. Due to work committments untill May / June I cant go. We are intent on settling down together in the future and are both mad about 1 another. I knwo I cant say to her not to go but I really dont want her to leave me for 12 mths. Even if it was 3 mths I would love her to have the experience or ideally wait untill summer and both go together. Im at a very stressful place atm and i dont think I can handle this on top of everything else. Would i be the most horrible person imaginable to tell her this knowing that she would change her plans because of her feelings for me?

dirtydress

If its what she really wants to do then it would be incredibly selfish of you to tell her not to do it or even to express your doubts since you would put huge pressure on her. Think about it, if the situation was reversed would you be happy to give up your amazing trip just because your girlfriend couldnt handle you being away from her? I think you really need to think about your girlfriend and put her first in this by keeping your misgivings to yourself. How can you honestly say you're thinking of settling down when you can't even let her have her own life?

Wibbs

dirtydress wrote: »

If its what she really wants to do then it would be incredibly selfish of you to tell her not to do it or even to express your doubts since you would put huge pressure on her.

You could also say from the other side that it's not exactly selfless of her to go traveling for a year leaving her boyfriend on his own for 6 months of it, if I'm reading it right.

Think about it, if the situation was reversed would you be happy to give up your amazing trip just because your girlfriend couldnt handle you being away from her?

OK, Yes lets reverse the situation. Couple together for 5 years, he decides to go traveling for a year, with 6 months apart, I can see few enough women swallowing that without serious concerns after 5 years together. They'd be right too.

I think you really need to think about your girlfriend and put her first in this by keeping your misgivings to yourself.

Again I would suggest thinking about your partner goes both ways. Being noble and giving has a degree to it. Sometimes just thinking of the other and not ones self is not the smartest in a practical sense.

How can you honestly say you're thinking of settling down when you can't even let her have her own life?

Partners having their own lives is very important. Partners having insight outside what they want is equally important. It's not called a couple for nothing. There are two of them in it or at least should be. Compromise is everything. It sounds to me like it's a bit one sided on the selfish front.

OP is there any compromise in this? Can she delay and meet up with her friend a little later for the sake of the relationship? And of course your feelings.

krudler

dirtydress wrote: »

If its what she really wants to do then it would be incredibly selfish of you to tell her not to do it or even to express your doubts since you would put huge pressure on her. Think about it, if the situation was reversed would you be happy to give up your amazing trip just because your girlfriend couldnt handle you being away from her? I think you really need to think about your girlfriend and put her first in this by keeping your misgivings to yourself. How can you honestly say you're thinking of settling down when you can't even let her have her own life?

Its not really selfish of him,who could honestly say they wouldnt be bothered if the person they intend to marry wanted to bugger off for a year? Like Wibbs said if the situation was reversed how could anyone take someones commitment seriously if they think its ok to just put the relationship on hold for a year and expect the other person to just sit at home twiddling their thumbs waiting for them to come back? my flatmate broke up with his ex because of this, together 6 years and she had gone abroad for a year at a time twice during it, and had intended to do it again this year, all the while knowing he'd be there to come back to , in fairness how much "finding yourself" can one person do

OP I'd say it to her, not in a "stay or its over" way but at least tell her your concerns before she goes, it'll b a lot harder when shes on the other side of the world if things go sour between you over this

tbh

wat is best wrote: »

Been with my gf nearly 5 yrs and things are unbelievable. Both in our early / mid 20's. She told me yesterday she is thinking of going travelling for a year with a friend. Due to work committments untill May / June I cant go. We are intent on settling down together in the future and are both mad about 1 another. I knwo I cant say to her not to go but I really dont want her to leave me for 12 mths. Even if it was 3 mths I would love her to have the experience or ideally wait untill summer and both go together. Im at a very stressful place atm and i dont think I can handle this on top of everything else. Would i be the most horrible person imaginable to tell her this knowing that she would change her plans because of her feelings for me?

ok, let me explain to you why it's a good idea to support her.

1. She's either going to do it, or not do it anyway. For her to decide after five years that she's thinking of going, when she knows you can't go, shows that this is important to her.

She is either testing the waters with you, to see how you'd react, or she genuinely wants to go. In either case, if you force her to choose between you or travel, she may not pick you. So why make her choose? You say " I love you, and I'm going to really miss you, but if you want to go, I'll be here when you get back".

IF she really wants to go, she's going to go anyway. better to support her, than have her leave resenting you. Oh and by the way, if she stays because you begged her not to go, you better believe she's going to resent you.

So, you don't have an option really, other than to support her. Worst case scenario, she goes with your blessing, best case scenario, she decides she doesn't want to go anyway, but appreciates the fact she had your blessing.

If she's only thinking of going, she may not go. So why paint her into a corner? Give her every chance to stay, without it looking like a climbdown.

2. A bit of time apart is a good idea.
I know it doesn't seem like it to someone in their early/mid 20's, but a year is not a long time. It'll fly in. You'll be miserable for the first week or two, but then you'll be grand.
If you're going to spend the rest of your life together - potentially another 50 years - then one year means nothing.
Best case scenario, you both miss the bones of each other, get back together when she comes home and she appreciates her boyf. even more. Both of you learn that you do really want to be together, and are not just together out of habit.
Worst case scenario, either you or her realise that you don't miss each other, and split, in which case - it was going to happen anyway, better sooner than later.

summary: some things are going to happen whether you like it or not. In those cases, it's better to pretend you wanted them to happen. Might as well make the best of a bad situation.

kenbrady

She's made this decision not you. So ask her what will happen with your relationship. She is the one separating yous for a year, get her to explain the plans for the relationship during that year.

Early/mid 20s, 5 years together, sound to me like she feels she's missed out on something and want's to live a bit more. I'm afraid I see a breakup coming. Traveling to new places, meeting lots of new people out for fun, impossible to not meet someone you connect with and want to be with them.

Kiraandliamo

kenbrady wrote: »

She's made this decision not you. So ask her what will happen with your relationship. She is the one separating yous for a year, get her to explain the plans for the relationship during that year.

Early/mid 20s, 5 years together, sound to me like she feels she's missed out on something and want's to live a bit more. I'm afraid I see a breakup coming. Traveling to new places, meeting lots of new people out for fun, impossible to not meet someone you connect with and want to be with them.

Whats your story Ken... every post you comment on is a miserable break up comment. This guy has every right to feel crap and his relationship isnt necessarily over. They need to have a good heart to heart and decide what way is forward, if your planning being together forever then you will find the way forward buddy. you need to think of you and she needs to think of here and you both need to think of each other! dont look at it like its the end of the world.. it could be the best time of your life if you organise it right with her!

LegacyUser

Thats all (with one exception perhaps)...
Basically ye all think so I should just say up to her but I'd rather her to wait on? We discusses if she went and both said no way we would split over it because be for 6 months max once I could travel over. I've no fear of anything happening or any of that because both mad about 1 another and wouldn't risk throwing that away. My one fear (which may sound as a contridiction of original post) is that she wouldnt go based on me making a concern over it. I am in the unfortunate position that my feelings will go before hers. I'd love to see her having loads of fun and all the rest but in another way I'd be miserable and by sounds of it I should let her know this before she makes a proper decision. Its the most impossible catch 22. Would it be the nobel thing to do just to support her to go enjoy it and worry about myself after, in the long run I'd far prefer her to be happy than any emotion I could experience. (& before some one comments on this, I know she would do anything to keep me happy also (thus the problem)).

I'm so confoodled!

SarahSassy

Did she just decide this in the first place without reference to you? How has it gotten to this point?

Moomoo1

I wouldn't want my partner to go off for a year. And I am certain that this feeling is mutual.

why can't she change her plans to go when you can go as well?

LegacyUser

It hasnt 'got' to this. its something we have been speaking of for years. She's stuck in a rut with work etc and one of her good mates lost her job so is deciding to go. Just asked. Its an escape from work / lack of as much as anything else. She could change them no problem but then I feel like I'm guilting her into staying here with me while I work and when it suits ME we will go together. Life is short so I can completely understand where she is coming from.

eggshells

Travelling opens one up to so many new experiences and thus it is inevitable that a person can be changed by their travel and new life experiences. As such, in general, i imagine people change alot in a year of travelling. I was in a relationship before which was destined for success. MY OH went travelling for a year, and I went elsewhere for 3mths of this year. Altho we had great intentions of being together again, it didnt work....:P and we realised this pretty much straight away when we were reunited. While a year will go quickly, it is painful to miss someone for that long and then things not to work out. I think your concerns here a very valid and travelling will put a huge strain on the relationship. I agree with the other posters, a heart to heart and discussion on ways around this is important. I dont think your being selfish. Travelling could potentially jeopardise your relationships strenght and this is a valid concern. Your OH may deserve to have her own life but this much time away impacts you so much i dont think your selfish to question it.

fabbydabby

If she values your relationship she should understand your feelings on the matter and be willing to compromise, same goes for you.

That's what it's all about.

Starstream

OP, I think you can both be happy here - what about a compromise?? If she really wants to go travelling, then at some stage in her life, she should. But when is she planning on going with her friend? You say you cannot go until May/ June - or can you go at all? Can she not wait about 3 months, go with her friend, and you meet up with the 2 of them 3 months after that. Or some arrangement like that. It doesn't have to be the end of the relationship if ye want different things, only if ye are both not willing to compromise.

tbh

wat to do wrote: »

It hasnt 'got' to this. its something we have been speaking of for years. She's stuck in a rut with work etc and one of her good mates lost her job so is deciding to go. Just asked. Its an escape from work / lack of as much as anything else. She could change them no problem but then I feel like I'm guilting her into staying here with me while I work and when it suits ME we will go together. Life is short so I can completely understand where she is coming from.

life is short - six months is shorter. Don't guilt her into not going - it'll come back and bite you one way or another.