Sexual problems

LegacyUser

I found out recently that my boyfriend of over a year kissed someone else, a few times at the beginning of our relationship. I found out from someone else, he never told me, and the fact that other people know, and knew before telling me, is really killing me.
He admitted it immediately when i confronted him, and told me that there really was nothing to it other than drunken nights out, and that it happened before he really knew how he felt about me. He was very upset, and swore that ever since he fell in love with me he would never look at anyone else.
The thing is, that we were friends long before we started seeing each other, and i would never have done that to him, even in the early days.
He still sees the other person daily (work colleague), and had never mentioned her to me.
I was blissfully happy with him until now, and although he has been the perfect boyfriend for the last 7 months or so (as far as i know), this has really knocked me, and it might as well have happened last week.
I have told him that I will forgive him, and we're trying to get back to normal, but its so much harder than i thought, i love him so much, but i feel almost wary of him these days, and the thoughts of being physically intimate at the moment makes me want to run and hide.
We have always both had high sex drives and had sex nearly everyday, and i feel nothing at the moment..it's hurting him, he hasn't said much but i can feel it. I feel so bad, is this a normal way to feel?
I want things to go back to normal, will that ever happen?

castle

The first couple of months usually are not that serious ,things start to get going after 3 months, so I would cut him some slack and forget about it.
Put it this way the first two times you kissed him then if you happened to go away for 2 weeks with your mates on a planned holiday and you met a nice cute guy would you snog him(please be truthful it helps).
Was there a certain date that you became an item and was this after his kissing of someone else.
Please don't harbor on about it if you do you might find yourself without a BF.
Best of luck,
Put yourself in his shoes and be honest

LegacyUser

thanks so much for your reply, i'm trying very hard to forget about it and i don't mention it to him, unless he asks me directly, i know that no good can come of me bringing it up all the time, but its in my head all the time and at night it's the worst. The last two times he kissed her, i would have considered us well passed the point where i could let it go, i would have ended it then and there had i known. We knew each other very well before we ever got together romantically, so there's extra hurt there, i wouldn't, out of respect for him as a friend, have done the same to him. And it wasn't a random holiday fling, it was the same girl, four or more times over a few months. Thats what's getting to me.

Red Alert

You seem like a very nice and thoughtful person. However I would agree with some of what castle has said. In ways, the fact that both of you were friends first may have caused him not to think too much about it - although you say this happened after you'd have considered both of you to be an item. I'm not saying that what he did was ok, but it may have been down to thoughtlessness rather than deliberate malice. What does worry me is that this has been hidden to some extent from you by him.

The only way the gulf between the two of you will be overcome is by talking, in my opinion. Bottling things up tends to let them fester, and both of your minds will start playing tricks. You need to tell him how disappointed you were to have discovered this, how disappointed you are that he did this in the first place, and ask him is there anything else you should know. Talking it all over a bit will put it in perspective for you and let you decide what to do about it and your relationship. There's no point putting this on hold, time to clear the air now and move on with whatever you decide.

Good luck.

SarahSassy

How long did this go on for and had you both agreed to be 'exclusive' while it was happening?

tony1kenobi

Focus on the "blissfully happy" and forget about the other thing.

dublingal80

i honestly wouldnt worry about it! It was at the start of the relationship, before im sure you guys were even exclusive. He wasnt sure how he felt about you, where you guys stood with eachother so he didnt feel the need to tell you. My current oh did the same thing. We were together for about a month when he told me that when we just started seeing eachother he had already had another date planned with another girl and he met her and hten decided he liked me more so didnt want to see her again.

when he told me i couldnt believe why he would be so honest... i think im the opposite to you!! I was thinkin, why would he tell me this if it meant nothing to him, and why would he tell me because he barely knew me so he didnt owe me anything so I got all weird because he DID tell me! hehe but I just put it to the back of my mind because i know myself, that when i was starting to see my oh, i was unsure too of how i felt so i flirted with other guys on nights out and it was through the flirting that i realised how much i did like my oh.

He didnt tell you because 1, it meant nothing to him, he didnt know you that well so it wasnt something that was needed to be said and 2, if he did tell you, because he worked with her it might make things awkward.

As you said he has been the perfect boyfriend for 7 months. Something that happened at the very start of your relationship and something that happened yesterday is completely 100% different. He LOVES you. Back then, he fancied you but he wasnt sure what was going to happen

Just give him a cuddle when you get home and get into bed!

shocked12

shocked12 wrote: »

it might as well have happened last week.
I have told him that I will forgive him, and we're trying to get back to normal, but its so much harder than i thought, i love him so much, but i feel almost wary of him these days, and the thoughts of being physically intimate at the moment makes me want to run and hide.

I agree with the other posters, this is something you two can get through. BUT, what you say about feeling like it might as well have happened last week is very important. For him it was months ago but since you just found out it's a fresh wound.

My point is that it will be easier to forgive him and move on when some time has passed so don't expect or try to force yourself to get over it immediately ... take some time to heal a bit and then move past it.

Good luck.

cafecolour

I'd tell him you're not attempting to 'punish' him or anything by withholding sex - you forgive and want to stay with him, but for some reason you need some time to warm up to being affectionate again.

Then start trying to be affectionate without going to sex - ie just cuddling on the couch while watching a movie, etc. and see if that slowly starts getting your motor going again.