Shaken up by message from someone claiming to be my father

liah

I woke up this morning and checked my Facebook to find a message from someone claiming to be my father-- who I haven't seen in or heard from nearly two decades, the last time when I was three years old.

I have a horrible sinking feeling that it's nothing but an incredibly sick, twisted joke by someone online who wants to mess with my head. If so, they've succeeded. But there's that niggling little feeling in the back of my head asking "what if?"

The details provided in the original email were very sparse and could be gleaned from simply checking my blog or Facebook, but the sender used my real first name (which I haven't used since I was 10 or 11 years old) as well as my middle name. Both could be found online but not without quite a bit of searching as they aren't things I really talk about with anyone and never come up in general conversation.

The sender's email address also included a location name that is very, very much relevant to my past that I don't think anyone but myself, my (still close) exes and my mother know about.

I have sent a rather apprehensive email back asking for further proof of identity.

I think I can deal with it being some kind of joke. I know how I'd react to that. But if it does actually turn out to be my father.. I really don't know. At all.

I'm shaken and confused. I don't even really know what I want from this post but I guess I kind of want to know what I should do. My father treated my mother very poorly before he disappeared and did nothing to support her through my developing years. If it is him, I'm torn between asking a million questions or simply.. ignoring him, as he has done to me for the last 19 years of my life.

I don't know what to do. Or say. I'm so lost.

username123

Hi OP - what a shock for you!!

So theres two ways this can turn out initially - it either is or isnt your father. If it isnt you have an angry reaction, block the sender, end of story.

If it is - you have options. You can tell him you need time to think about this before engaging in any further communication. You can close off the communication totally. You can decide to stay in contact and see how that goes.

But above all - you have the power to decide to walk away from it and not respond. You do not HAVE to respond.

If I were you I would be wondering what he wants. It may just be about making contact with you, it may be something other than that.

Be wary of judging him based on his relationship with your mother, you never ever know what goes on between two people in a relationship, and she may not have told you everything, and her side of the story will be biased to her pov as well.

Do not arrange to meet him alone, even if you are absolutely sure he is your father, you still dont 'know' him.

Try not to overwhelm yourself with worry, you have the power to close off the situation whenever you want to - if its too much for you you can just leave it.

Overheal

Is having an estranged father something that can be googled about you? I suspect only someone that knows you personally would know that. So, its at least in the neighbourhood, and probably not Nigereein Royaltee.

Try to ask him to tell something your mother might only know about him, etc.

minidazzler

TBH, Liah, if It was me, I would like to think I would ignore him.

TBH, he sounds like a tool, abandoning you and your mother etc.

But this is very much a play it by ear, I know what I would LIKE to do, but what I would do in that situation I have no idea.

But first, you need proof of ID of him, so if he gives that and it is infact your sperm donor (I hesitate to use the word father for someone who seems to have behaved nothing like one.) Then you will have a decision to make.

If you made the decision to talk to him, what would be your first question?

I don't have much advice really, just what I would like to think I would do.

metrovelvet

Have you spoken to your mother about this? If I were you I would direct him to your mother to sort it out with her. It will either call his bluff or he will have to put his cards on the table and you dont have to deal with this until you are ready.

Wow. I cant believe he contacted you on facebook. Sick joke or for real, pretty lousy way to do it. Who would do that?

Definitely DO NOT MEET HIM ALONE.

username123

metrovelvet wrote: »

Definitely DO NOT MEET HIM ALONE.

Cannot +1 this enough!!!!!

Carsinian Thau

I think that if I were you, I'd ignore it.

Either it is actually some sort of a sick joke, and it'd be safer to stay away.

Or it could actually be him. And seeing as you're doing so well without him and taking into consideration how negatively he treated your mother, you may be better off without him.

Be very careful, there's just something not quite right about this. It's kinda weird.


And a million +1s to the not meeting him alone thing.

liah

username123 wrote: »

If I were you I would be wondering what he wants. It may just be about making contact with you, it may be something other than that.

Be wary of judging him based on his relationship with your mother, you never ever know what goes on between two people in a relationship, and she may not have told you everything, and her side of the story will be biased to her pov as well.

I do wonder what he wants, if it is him, or what the joker's motive is if it is in fact a prank. It's all very strange.

The way he treated my mother was not just a point of view thing. He was violent with her when intoxicated/drugged and I was witness to it. I do have a bit of reason to judge in that respect, but I do understand where you're coming from.

My mother left her mother's contact number for him during the earlier years in case he wanted to get in touch. He never did.

Overheal wrote: »

Is having an estranged father something that can be googled about you? I suspect only someone that knows you personally would know that. So, its at least in the neighbourhood, and probably not Nigereein Royaltee.

Try to ask him to tell something your mother might only know about him, etc.

It's not something I'm particularly private about, as it doesn't really affect me-- it's a part of my past, I have accepted it, and if people are curious I will tell them, I'm a naively open person at times and it can lead to situations like the one I'm in now where I'm not sure if it's a joke or not.

I have sent him a few questions asking for various means of proving one's identity.

minidazzler wrote: »

If you made the decision to talk to him, what would be your first question?

I wish I knew. I suppose I'd ask him why it took until now to contact me. Then a myriad of others.. do I have siblings I don't know about? Health issues I could be prone to? Where the fúck were my child support payments? You get the idea.

metrovelvet wrote: »

Have you spoken to your mother about this? If I were you I would direct him to your mother to sort it out with her. It will either call his bluff or he will have to put his cards on the table and you dont have to deal with this until you are ready.

Wow. I cant believe he contacted you on facebook. Sick joke or for real, pretty lousy way to do it. Who would do that?

Definitely DO NOT MEET HIM ALONE.

I'm emailing my mother the messages as they come in. She isn't wholly convinced, same as me, so it's a waiting game to find the "tell." She's feeding me questions to ask him, but she does not want to contact him yet as she is still, 19 years on, terrified.

I don't think I could meet him at all, nevermind alone. I don't know what I would say to him face to face.. prefer the safety of being behind a computer. But I don't know what's going on, depending on whether or not it's a joke, so it's hard to make that call.

Overheal

Well just remain reserved, this could go in one of many directions. Play it by ear and play it safe.

Taltos

Op - remember - no matter what you decide - you have all the power here.

You can decide whether to meet him or to ignore him.

Don't forget that. Also keeping in mind his violent past please be careful here. People do change - but not all.

username123

liah wrote: »

I do wonder what he wants, if it is him, or what the joker's motive is if it is in fact a prank. It's all very strange.

If it turns out to be a joker Id be reporting it to the Guards as harrassment, there could well be sinister overtones in a stranger trying to coerce you by pretending to be your father.

liah wrote: »

The way he treated my mother was not just a point of view thing. He was violent with her when intoxicated/drugged and I was witness to it. I do have a bit of reason to judge in that respect, but I do understand where you're coming from.

2 things strike me here.
1 - you certainly do have reasons of your own to judge - but people can and do change, maybe he found god, got off the drugs etc...(im thinking unlikely but possible)
2 - by the sounds of those negative experiences I wouldnt blame you if you decided to cut all contact imediately and blank him out.

liah wrote: »

My mother left her mother's contact number for him during the earlier years in case he wanted to get in touch. He never did.

If he found god, had an epiphany or whatever, maybe he wasnt 'ready' then - well maybe youre not ready now? Only you can make that call.

liah wrote: »

I wish I knew. I suppose I'd ask him why it took until now to contact me. Then a myriad of others.. do I have siblings I don't know about? Health issues I could be prone to? Where the fúck were my child support payments? You get the idea.

Medical history, money and knowledge of other siblings seem reasonable for you to want to know about, and there may be other things that occur to you, but beware in case he witholds info as a way of arranging a face to face - you havent known these things up to now, your life wont be different if you dont find them out.

liah wrote: »

I'm emailing my mother the messages as they come in. She isn't wholly convinced, same as me, so it's a waiting game to find the "tell." She's feeding me questions to ask him, but she does not want to contact him yet as she is still, 19 years on, terrified.

This scares me the most - if your mother is terrified of him do you really want him in either of your lives in any way, shape or form?

Tread gently with this one OP, dont do anything that might endanger your personal safety and that includes giving him any kind of address, phone numbers etc...

But I would think that you can find out what he wants behind a safe veil of Facebook before deciding to cut it off.

nesbitt

OP tell your mother about the contact and decide together what is best for you all at this stage. Absolutely do NOT meet this person alone. If you have any other siblings have a talk to them about it all too.

After you stated about violent, drug issues in the past this situation could be dangerous for you.

Please think about the aftermath that could occur after the initial meeting, and do you want this person in your life?

It might be better to carry on without them in your life, you do absolutely have final choice as to whether you want to pursue contact.

Notorious

liah wrote: »

I woke up this morning and checked my Facebook to find a message from someone claiming to be my father

I can only presume you checked out his Facebook page? Check if it looks established (if you can, I'm sure he'd add you if the page is private). Is it just a page he created to contact you? Maybe his Facebook friends would be people you or your mom would know? Maybe that could help discover if he's legitimate.

You're Canadian right? I can only presume your dad is too. In that case would he be in Ireland? Maybe meeting him would be out of the question.

As for whether you want to contact him or not, I couldn't possibly advise on that situation. That's the kind of thing you'd want to think about very carefully.

Hope you get to the bottom of it.

liah

Notorious wrote: »

I can only presume you checked out his Facebook page? Check if it looks established (if you can, I'm sure he'd add you if the page is private). Is it just a page he created to contact you? Maybe his Facebook friends would be people you or your mom would know? Maybe that could help discover if he's legitimate.

You're Canadian right? I can only presume your dad is too. In that case would he be in Ireland? Maybe meeting him would be out of the question.

As for whether you want to contact him or not, I couldn't possibly advise on that situation. That's the kind of thing you'd want to think about very carefully.

Hope you get to the bottom of it.

He sent it from another profile, though he apparently has just started a new facebook profile which I added to see if I could get any information, but there wasn't any. I went through the other person's facebook friends who originally added me, but I didn't recognize anyone. I haven't shown my mother the friends list yet though, so I'm not sure if she would. There is a birth date listed on his profile which I've just emailed my mother about to verify it as I would not know his birthdate. If it is the correct one, that is definitely a detail nobody else would know as not even I know it and it's not something my mother would talk to anyone else about or advertise anywhere online as she's very security-conscious.

I'm Canadian, yes. But my father's American. He would not be in Ireland, none of my family is. My mother found an arrest record (promising, I know) for this year for possession of marijuana in the States so he is probably still there, provided it's the same man-- but I've an unusual last name and tbh the arrest record wouldn't surprise me at all if it was him. Also had his middle name correct.

I'm still not sure how I feel about it. I think, if it is him, I'll ask a few questions and see how I feel from there. Will probably never meet him face to face as the record indicates his behaviour probably hasn't changed-- though I'm all for legalization of marijuana et all, that's not the point. Who knows what else is involved there.

Whole thing is pretty weird. Very conflicted about it.

liah

Just got confirmation that it is, indeed my dad.

Carsinian Thau

liah wrote: »

Just got confirmation that it is, indeed my dad.

Assuming that it really is actually him, do you know what he wants yet?


(If you're comfortable telling us, of course).

liah

Carsinian Thau wrote: »

Assuming that it really is actually him, do you know what he wants yet?


(If you're comfortable telling us, of course).

It is him, without a shadow of a doubt. He provided me correct birth dates, relative's names, locations, where he and my mother were married, what hospital I was born in, baby pictures and many other details, some of which I didn't even know.

So far it seems he just wants contact via email. He seems fairly hesitant on the whole. He has not indicated that he wants to meet or anything.

I haven't replied to the last email that contained the details yet. I'm not even sure what I would say. Going to sit on it for awhile and think.

Way too much going through my head. Haven't a clue how I feel about any of it. Never, not once, did I expect to actually be faced with this situation. My dad didn't exist, and that's just how it was. Now.. it's all changed.

So confused.

Carsinian Thau

liah wrote: »

It is him, without a shadow of a doubt. He provided me correct birth dates, relative's names, locations, where he and my mother were married, what hospital I was born in, baby pictures and many other details, some of which I didn't even know.

So far it seems he just wants contact via email. He seems fairly hesitant on the whole. He has not indicated that he wants to meet or anything.

I haven't replied to the last email that contained the details yet. I'm not even sure what I would say. Going to sit on it for awhile and think.

Way too much going through my head. Haven't a clue how I feel about any of it. Never, not once, did I expect to actually be faced with this situation. My dad didn't exist, and that's just how it was. Now.. it's all changed.

So confused.

Thinking is about all you can do really.

And perhaps if you could find somone to talk to in real life (or at least, in real time), it might help you sort some more out in your head.

This is very complicated tbh. Hopefully, he's just a changed man that wants to make contact with his daughter.

I hope all this works out ok for you.

Notorious

liah wrote: »

Going to sit on it for awhile and think.

If its any help, try go somewhere where you're not distracted or surrounded by noise and just think. Try sort out all the mixed feelings in your head, and remember, it's your call. Do what you think is the best for you.

Good luck.

SarahSassy

OP, no advice to give but am sending you a hug for support. You will make the right decision when the time comes. Good luck

Taltos

SarahSassy wrote: »

OP, no advise to give but am sending you a hug for support. You will make the right decision when the time comes. Good luck,

+1

& take your time. He has taken all these years - you take as much time as you need.
Just keep an eye on your mum - this might just bring back all those bad memories and she might need to be spoiled to take her mind off things.

bronte

Wow Liah, That's big news. Allow yourself to digest this all and then decide what
the best course of action is for you. It's your choice. Hugs x

Overheal

liah wrote: »

It is him, without a shadow of a doubt. He provided me correct birth dates, relative's names, locations, where he and my mother were married, what hospital I was born in, baby pictures and many other details, some of which I didn't even know.

So far it seems he just wants contact via email. He seems fairly hesitant on the whole. He has not indicated that he wants to meet or anything.

I haven't replied to the last email that contained the details yet. I'm not even sure what I would say. Going to sit on it for awhile and think.

Way too much going through my head. Haven't a clue how I feel about any of it. Never, not once, did I expect to actually be faced with this situation. My dad didn't exist, and that's just how it was. Now.. it's all changed.

So confused.

It all just happened today. Out of the Blue Yonder. And its not a little breadcumb, its a whole f@#king bakery.

You need to give yourself time to absorb this. Restart your computer to apply these changes Sleep on it.

CDfm

The closest thing to this on boards is the Adoption forum so you might want to take a look there or even pose the question there

http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/forumdisplay.php?f=879

Just on an aside. I have a son around your age and only that I went to court and got access I wouldnt have seen him grow up. The case was on and off for ten years and there were lots of breaks in access. I often wonder how I kept going back and while I love my kids I couldnt see myself go thru it again.

Not having a go at your mum but women sometimes fraustrate access and what you heard from your mum could be her version.I am not having a pop at her -its life. Your father could well have his version.

Your situation is very similar to adoption and there was a site a friend of mine used in the US that you may be able to ask for help on.

I will try to post a link.

EDIT here is a link to resourses on Bastard Nation - you werent adopted but the skills/resourses to verify whether or not he is your dad should be there.

The main site covers lots of issues such as contacting parents.

http://www.bastards.org/search/

Best of luck op - its an emotional issue so take it slowly

LegacyUser

i just watched "The Wrestler" a while ago (the 2008 film with Mickey Rourke). part of the story is that mickey rourke walked out on his family when his daughter was little, and never really saw her or contacted her much after that. the guys whole life is falling apart and he's kind of trying to come to terms with whats most important in life. i know its just a movie and it's totally insensitive of me to draw parallels between your life and a movie, but in the movie he tries to salvage a relationship with his daughter and i found her reaction really upsetting. it might be helpful to see, to think in terms of what emotions your father might be feeling about all of this?

sorry if i'm totally belittling your problem by suggesting you watch a movie! it just really reminded me.

metrovelvet

CDfm wrote: »

The closest thing to this on boards is the Adoption forum so you might want to take a look there or even pose the question there

http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/forumdisplay.php?f=879

Just on an aside. I have a son around your age and only that I went to court and got access I wouldnt have seen him grow up. The case was on and off for ten years and there were lots of breaks in access. I often wonder how I kept going back and while I love my kids I couldnt see myself go thru it again.

Not having a go at your mum but women sometimes fraustrate access and what you heard from your mum could be her version.I am not having a pop at her -its life. Your father could well have his version.

Your situation is very similar to adoption and there was a site a friend of mine used in the US that you may be able to ask for help on.

I will try to post a link.

EDIT here is a link to resourses on Bastard Nation - you werent adopted but the skills/resourses to verify whether or not he is your dad should be there.

The main site covers lots of issues such as contacting parents.

http://www.bastards.org/search/

Best of luck op - its an emotional issue so take it slowly

You see, the thing is, its not hard for those who have walked to forget their children. Why wouldnt they? They dont know them, they dont see them. If i put my son in a room with five other blonds, Id bet his father wouldnt be able to identify him.

ANd because it's not hard to forget your children when its a case of out of site out of mind, what I would wonder about is the weight behind him making contact. Is it like those random queries you get on facebook from people you knew twenty year ago who are just contacting you because they are curious and you never hear from them again? Is this on par with that?

It could be - and yet its dropped a bombshell. Is he going to satisfy his curioisity and vanish again.

I would be very wary. Very.

paulkellypix

Hi

In about 15 seconds I've found your
Tweet.ie page
Facebook page (anyone can see this - change your settings)
Former School details
Your age (22)
Your original home town in Canada
Your email address
MSN details
Your Blog

Your own blog states the following
"I’ve had a long, tortured past, but I don’t regret a single second of it. It’s made me who I am, and I love who I’ve become today, even if I wasn’t such a great person in the past. I’m a confident, strong, compassionate individual and I wouldn’t have it any other way.
If you want to know anything about me, just ask me, straight out. I don’t do mind games and I don’t lie, so you can ask me anything.
And I mean anything.
I dare you."

Hope it works out for you.
Paul

Real Clare Man

Maybe for whatever reason (health, regret) he now wants to make amends for his terrible behaviour, I do believe that as people get older they can change and become better people...I think if you turn him away now that in years to come you may regret not at least giving him an opportunity to explain himself and to get to know him, I do agree however that allowing a little girl to grow up without "Daddy" is deplorable....I really wish you the best with this.

Moomoo1

metrovelvet wrote: »

You see, the thing is, its not hard for those who have walked to forget their children. Why wouldnt they? They dont know them, they dont see them. If i put my son in a room with five other blonds, Id bet his father wouldnt be able to identify him.

ANd because it's not hard to forget your children when its a case of out of site out of mind, what I would wonder about is the weight behind him making contact. Is it like those random queries you get on facebook from people you knew twenty year ago who are just contacting you because they are curious and you never hear from them again? Is this on par with that?

It could be - and yet its dropped a bombshell. Is he going to satisfy his curioisity and vanish again.

I would be very wary. Very.

are you for real? Read the adoption forum...

metrovelvet

Moomoo1 wrote: »

are you for real? Read the adoption forum...

Yes I am for real. It hard to imagine but it does happen. Those on the adoption forum, which I have read, are not REPRESENTATIVE OF ALL parents who have abandoned their children, they are representative of some.

CDfm

metrovelvet wrote: »

You see, the thing is, its not hard for those who have walked to forget their children. Why wouldnt they? They dont know them, they dont see them. If i put my son in a room with five other blonds, Id bet his father wouldnt be able to identify him.

It could be - and yet its dropped a bombshell. Is he going to satisfy his curioisity and vanish again.

I would be very wary. Very.

I can understand what you are saying but the OP is an adult and has to put aside childish fears.

OP - on the links I posted you should come across information on biological parent contact that hasn't worked out. A good way to look at is is to expect the best but prepare for the worst.

Me - I would make the call and not worry - but I'm older than you and robust. You may be vulnerable.

If its a scam - report it to the twitter mods.

metrovelvet

CDfm wrote: »

I can understand what you are saying but the OP is an adult and has to put aside childish fears.

OP - on the links I posted you should come across information on biological parent contact that hasn't worked out. A good way to look at is is to expect the best but prepare for the worst.

Me - I would make the call and not worry - but I'm older than you and robust. You may be vulnerable.

If its a scam - report it to the twitter mods.

OP is 19 years old. And these are not childish fears.

liah

paulkellypix wrote: »

Hi

In about 15 seconds I've found your
Tweet.ie page
Facebook page (anyone can see this - change your settings)
Former School details
Your age (22)
Your original home town in Canada
Your email address
MSN details
Your Blog

Your own blog states the following
"I’ve had a long, tortured past, but I don’t regret a single second of it. It’s made me who I am, and I love who I’ve become today, even if I wasn’t such a great person in the past. I’m a confident, strong, compassionate individual and I wouldn’t have it any other way.
If you want to know anything about me, just ask me, straight out. I don’t do mind games and I don’t lie, so you can ask me anything.
And I mean anything.
I dare you."

Hope it works out for you.
Paul

I know, I'm a very open person and have no problem with this much information being available about myself. People have given me grief about it before but it does have a purpose. And it seems to have worked, albeit belatedly.

I know my Facebook settings, a lot of my stuff is public but I do have what I want set to private.

metrovelvet wrote: »

OP is 19 years old. And these are not childish fears.

22 years old. I last saw him when I was three years old. 19 years without him.

CDfm

metrovelvet wrote: »

OP is 19 years old. And these are not childish fears.

people marry at 19 and are tried as an adult and vote.

liah wrote: »

I know, I'm a very open person and have no problem with this much information being available about myself. People have given me grief about it before but it does have a purpose. And it seems to have worked, albeit belatedly.

I know my Facebook settings, a lot of my stuff is public but I do have what I want set to private.

people put a too much information on the internet

22 years old. I last saw him when I was three years old. 19 years without him.

Lets assume for a moment he is your Dad.

You have a choice whether or not to make contact. It is your choice.

You may not want to tell your mother out of loyalty or whatever.

His story may be different to you mothers.Your mother may be right about him or she may have told the story so often she believes it.

There is a possibility that you may not bond or you may not like him as a person.

My own inclination would to be openminded/curious but to be cautious.

Were you born overseas and I wonder if the embassy could offer any help in verifying if this person is a hoax.

liah

CDfm wrote: »

people put a too much information on the internet

Agree to disagree. I have nothing to hide.

Lets assume for a moment he is your Dad.

You have a choice whether or not to make contact. It is your choice.

You may not want to tell your mother out of loyalty or whatever.

His story may be different to you mothers.Your mother may be right about him or she may have told the story so often she believes it.

There is a possibility that you may not bond or you may not like him as a person.

My own inclination would to be openminded/curious but to be cautious.

Were you born overseas and I wonder if the embassy could offer any help in verifying if this person is a hoax.

The person is 100% my father, there is no doubt now. He has given me far too information that it is not possible for anyone else to know for it to not be him. My mother said even his writing style is the same. This is my father, and I know that now.

I have been keeping my mother updated with all of his emails, it is her right to know. She is worried, understandably, but she is supporting me regardless of how I handle the situation.

I'm still very conflicted; on one hand, I want him in my life to feel like I have a dad who actually wants me after years of abandonment issues. On the other hand, he was, to be frank, an asshole and I don't know if that's changed or if I should forgive him.

SarahSassy

Have you any curiosity about why he acted the way he did or anything that has happened in his life since? If so, you may be best to get answers to all your questions when you get the chance.

liah

SarahSassy wrote: »

Have you any curiosity about why he acted the way he did or anything that has happened in his life since? If so, you may be best to get answers to all your questions when you get the chance.

I've sent him what could be considered a fairly schizophrenic email, reading over it. Basically, the first third is a bit civil; telling him I had small bits of memorabilia related to him, but I didn't remember him other than one bad memory. In the second bit I asked all the hard questions; where he'd been, why it took so long, had he changed. Basically just what the hell the deal was, and what his excuse would be.

The third bit was probably a mistake.

I told him it was not my position to judge who he is now after 19 very, very long years. I told him I could not possibly know what he was going through for the memories I do have of him. And then I filled him in on what he'd been missing out on by not watching me grow up. I told him I like a lot of the same music as him. Similar taste in films and books, too. Told him that, despite growing up without him, I probably unintentionally had a lot in common with him. I'm not sure how, or why.

The more emails I'm getting from him the more I can relate to him. The way he writes, the things he writes about, it's like he's me. It's the most bizarre feeling I've ever had, and it just wrecks my head even more because I like him. Despite all the shít, all the horrible awful shít, I like him.

I'm not supposed to fúcking like him, I'm supposed to be furious at him. I'm supposed to hate him. But I don't. And I feel like I'm wrong because of that.

God, this is all so messed up.

Overheal

You're supposed to nothing.

If youre talking about how your mother feels and how she thinks you should feel, thats completely different to how you Actually feel.

I mean, my dad hates my mom virulently. That doesnt mean I hate her. Or even dislike her.

metrovelvet

You feel what you feel. There are no supposed tos about these things.

Just take your time. And its ok to feel alot of different conflicting things. You were probably used to hating him so now it must be weird not to.

But be careful of relatability and common denomonators. I have a lot in common with my mother but we hate each other virulently.

liah

Overheal wrote: »

You're supposed to nothing.

If youre talking about how your mother feels and how she thinks you should feel, thats completely different to how you Actually feel.

I mean, my dad hates my mom virulently. That doesnt mean I hate her. Or even dislike her.

But it's different. He physically hurt my mom. He was on drugs, and he was drunk. He wasn't a good person. I have memories of that happening in front of my three-year-old self. If I were an outsider looking in, I'd hate the person who did that to their family.

So why don't I hate him?

CDfm

liah wrote: »

I've sent him what could be considered a fairly schizophrenic email, reading over it.

The third bit was probably a mistake.


God, this is all so messed up.

I often find it hard to articulate and lots of people do -so you are human. No mistakes.

My son and I have similar sense of humour and even music at times. Anyway -it would have been unusual if he and your mum hadnt liked some of the same things and food. Also you have just plain coincidence.

I wouldnt worry -unless he is into Abba.

Take your time - dont go inviting him over for Xmas yet.

Just be careful around the drink and drugs issue.

metrovelvet

liah wrote: »

But it's different. He physically hurt my mom. He was on drugs, and he was drunk. He wasn't a good person. I have memories of that happening in front of my three-year-old self. If I were an outsider looking in, I'd hate the person who did that to their family.

So why don't I hate him?

Because its hard to see family in the same objective way you see a stranger. No one is all good or all bad. Right now you are seeing the good, and the good is there. Your mom saw the bad and maybe that is still there in him, maybe it isnt.

I think its nice that you are discovering each other but this is a honeymoon period. It wont be like this all the time.

meganj

Hey OP,

Firstly, I just wanna say how hard this must all be for you.

Secondly, I kinda know what your going through. My Dad left my mum to go back to his wife (who she didn't know about) when she was pregnant with me. We never had any contact for 13 years, and then the day before my 13th Birthday he rang and my entire life got, to quote the fresh prince, flip turned upside down. It was really hard because I wanted to hate him but he was my dad and he was really likeable.

Long story short, I still struggle with it everyday, he's in my life now, and I talk to him every couple of months and see him maybe twice a year, but there's only so much I can do, especially since he won't tell his family (i have two brothers and sisters, three uncles, two aunts and a grandmother) and as a result our relationship is stalled. I hate him sometimes, most of the time in fact, especially when the guilt set in early on about what he did to my mum, and it took years and years of therapy for me to realize that just because I liked him didn't mean i loved my mum any less or that she would love me.

Also I just want to say to those referring to the OP's "childish fears", my Dad's been in my life 9 years now and not a day goes by that I don't wonder if he's going to fcuk off again. That sort of rejection doesn't go away over night.

It's a long hard road, and I wish you the best of luck with it, and if you want to chat, PM me.

implausible

OP, what a headwrecking situation!

What I have to add is that different people react to situations differently. Nobody can tell you how to feel, it's something you have to work out yourself.

A person close to me had what seems to me quite a traumatic childhood, with an alcoholic father who became violent when drunk and who ended up in prison for attempting to kill his wife when she left him. My friend sees childhood as different to others but no big deal and is still in good contact with the father, at times caring for him physically and financially, while still having an excellent relationship with the mother. My friend's sibling, however, wants nothing to do with the father. Two people, same family, polar opposite reactions. They both think their reactions are normal and justified and have made up their own minds independently.

Be careful, but trust yourself. You are bound to be curious and have lots of unresolved feelings and unanswered questions.

Good luck.

LegacyUser

Liah, you're not alone. I didn't meet my Dad until I was 13, and I had those conflicting feelings that you describe. It's ok to want to get to know him, to like him even, because it IS possible that he's changed. He may have been in a particularly bad place at the time, and he also may have come out of that now entirely.

I think you'll regret it if you don't at least get some answers from him. From my perspective, it can work. My dad is now my best friend in the world, and I never would have believed that was possible. I'm in my mid-twenties now, so we've come a long way, but him on paper turned out to be entirely different to him in person. He had valid reasons for some of what separated us, and has never denied the mistakes he made. I know he still lives with the guilt, but I've long forgiven him, because as soon as I let him, he became the best father I could wish for. People make mistakes, and although I'm probably a particularly extreme example, this situation CAN work out if you want it to. I know what it's like to be shocked by how much you have in common, to see so much of yourself in someone else for the first time.

Of course, your situation may not work out anything like mine; you might even decide you want nothing to do with him, and no-one could blame you for that. But don't feel guilty if you want to give getting to know him a chance. Maybe once you do you'll decide he's not worth your time. Or maybe he is. But I think whatever happens, you should for your own peace of mind at least get his side of what happened all those years ago. He may not be worthy of forgiveness at all, but if he is, it might even help you to give it to him.

CDfm

+1

Victor

CDfm wrote: »

I can understand what you are saying but the OP is an adult and has to put aside childish fears.

You need to separate childish and childlike.

CDfm

Victor wrote: »

You need to separate childish and childlike.

Tough words that- I meant she can make an informed judgement - provided she accepts her mum may be a tad biased.

metrovelvet

CDfm wrote: »

Tough words that- I meant she can make an informed judgement - provided she accepts her mum may be a tad biased.

Yeah. Its kind of hard not to be after your husband is a drug user and assaulted you. Hard to see the objective big picture.

CDfm

metrovelvet wrote: »

Yeah. Its kind of hard not to be after your husband is a drug user and assaulted you. Hard to see the objective big picture.

You dont know what happened and neither do I.She has a childs recollection and her mothers retelling of events. People often edit the facts to show themselves in a good light -hey I do it all the time.

Most domestic violence is mutual violence. It is scary for a child to witness the people they love and trust having a go. Drugs or no drugs.I dont know if both parents were users either and dont particularily want to know.

My point is that the OP is an adult now and has to make up her own mind on the man she is in contact with now.

She is aware that he either was or is a drug user who could be a right asshole by his own admission.That itself would tell a person to be cautious.

So the OP should keep an open mind. It may be that everything her Mum says is true or maybe not.

Of course there will be conflicted feelings but you dont dwell on them. Its plain that the OP wants to know her Dad. She may need to come to terms with the fact that neither of her parents are perfect but did the best they could when faced with difficult circumstances.

The only piece of Yates writting that I like is this poem and it is appropriate

HAD I the heavens' embroidered cloths,
Enwrought with golden and silver light,
The blue and the dim and the dark cloths
Of night and light and the half-light,
I would spread the cloths under your feet:
But I, being poor, have only my dreams;
I have spread my dreams under your feet,
Tread softly because you tread on my dreams

Notorious

liah wrote: »

So why don't I hate him?

Maybe because instinctively you want to like him because this man is your father?

I feel like I'm wrong because of that.

I understand why you'd feel wrong for liking him, but you'd probably feel the same if you told him to leave you alone, no?