How do I stop being like this about guys?

LegacyUser

Hi, long time female poster going unreg to see if anyone can knock some sense into me. Sorry for the length of the post.

I'm doing a postgrad in the same place I did my degree, but most of my friends have moved to the other side of the country. The friends still around are mostly working guys. Its fine most of the time but I do get lonely. Its also very hard to meet guys as I'm always out with a big group of lads. I'm sick of being single. My course is small and we haven't gelled at all, people have their own friends and don't see the need to make new ones at this point. We've gone out as a group twice all semester and it was awkward and not enjoyable. I broke up with my long term boyfriend over two years ago. We are not on good terms as he went very bitter when I moved on before him. Unfortunately, he is in the same group of friends, though not living in the area anymore.

Since then, I have met two guys that had potential. I fell quite hard for both of them. The first of these, who I met through mutual friends, said he really liked me but had ex issues. After a few months, when I felt (though the conversation had never taken place) that we were a fairly established couple, one night he just cheated on me, kissing someone else right in front of me. He apologised, I forgave him and a week later he did it again. Since then, every time I seem close to liking a guy, this ex comes back into my life, apologising, saying it kills him to see me with someone else, but still not offering me a relationship. I find it hard to totally move on when he keeps doing this, but I have improved.

The other guy was an acquaintance through my male friends (I only ever tend to meet guys through friends, I'm not good at meeting guys on nights out or anything). He's known for being a perpetual singleton and I knew that so I suppose I was half prepared for him to get bored eventually. But instead, something I wasn't prepared for, after two months, when I had really gotten attached, my ex found out and suddenly he decides this guy was a great friend of his in college (not true, they were barely more than acquaintances) and that I was only kissing this guy to get at my ex. He said this because he was bitter I had moved on, he had acted the same about the first guy I had been seeing but he had no grounds to say anything about that guy as they weren't acquainted. So since he had such a problem with it we ended things. We have kissed a few times since while drunk but then just never mention it after.

Since then (last April) I have been completely single and unable to meet guys, due in part to the fact that now college is over there are fewer single guys my age around, in part to my lack of female friends to go out with and in part because I suppose I can't open myself up to the idea of just kissing a stranger and hoping it turns to more, I want to meet someone in a friendly setting and let it develop. It doesn't help that both of the guys I mention above are still around and it still hurts to see either of them with other girls.

Then, after months of total lonely singledom, last week I ended up kissing a guy I have been friendly (but not too close to) with for four years. When we met I was still with my ex, and he had a girlfriend by the time I ended it with my ex, so although I have always been very attracted to him both in looks and personality, I never thought about it much as he was out of bounds. But now he's single for the last 6 weeks and out of the blue the other night (while sober) he starts telling me how great it is that we know each other so well for so long, and that I'm beautiful. As the night led on drink is definitely what led to the kiss but it was nice. We were out with a group of other male friends, all of whom said they saw it coming for ages. Went back to my house, talked and kissed for a while then he went home.

However, since then, I have heard nothing from him. I know he's newly single, but I can't help getting my hopes up. He's a good guy and surely he felt something for me. If he was just out to score to enjoy being single why choose me and not some hot female stranger? But then why wouldn't he text, even if it was just to say that he wasn't sure we should make anything of the kiss? I know I'm foolish, but I can just tell that this is going to end in tears. If I see him out and he's not interested I'll be hurt. If we kiss again I know he's not long single and so he won't be likely to get into another relationship. But even though if I'm sensible I know these things, I can't help it. I've always had feelings for him and now here we are. How do I stop myself from over analysing everything and falling for guys who will only hurt me?

Libertewhite

First off, there is nothing wrong with you, its completely normal. As one says: you have to go through the pain to experience the joy. From going out with all these guys you get to know what you are looking for in a guy and know when to run a mile, so I wouldn't necessarily look at it from a bad point of view.

So with your friend, whom you are very attracted to; I'm thinking hes in (somewhat) the same boat as you in some aspects.
Since hes not long out of a relationship, Id say hes very cautious to start something up again...especially a friend, it could ruin your friendship if things started falling apart.

From what I gather from your post, I could say he likes you.
Maybe give him time to himself, be single for a while?
And I wouldn't be too quick on the mark to get something out of him. I'd say he would need time to gather his thoughts together.

Best of luck

magneticimpulse

your normal. im in the same boat, post grad too. but dont look back on your past so down!! you dont have kids or baggage, your a free woman. look at your positives. yeah next time you see this guy, arrange a date. get out there and hold your head up high, because there is absolutely nothing wrong with you. tell the stalker that he is a bit of a male bunny boiler and he needs to cop on to himself