tickingclock

LegacyUser

Hi there I'd like to get some advice on my situation. To start I am a female just turned 30. I've been going out with my boyfriend for 6 years now and things are great. We live together for the past two years and are hopefully going to make the move on buying a house together soon. As I said our relationship is great but quite relaxed on his part, i.e. requires a push in the right direction every once in a while in relation to organising anything, saving for this house that we're hopefully going to be buying together.

It has always been this way in our relationship with me driving things a little more you could say. I have no doubt that he loves me and is fully confident in our relationship. He says he could never consider anyone else. Its just he lives in the now and finds it almost impossible to plan anything. Very frustrating at times. Where the issue lies for me at the moment is my age and wanting to have kids. I am very eager to have kids as soon as I can in my 30s for obvious reasons - fertility, health, number of kids wanted. However I would like to be married before we have kids. He would agree with being married before having kids.

Over the past few months I have started to get quite anxious about this whole situation probably brought on by a large number of my friends and his friends/acquaintances getting engaged and just recently my younger sister. Some of these people haven't been going out as long as us either. This is compounded by the endless questions, jokes etc from family and friends about getting engaged. I used to laugh off all these kinds of things this time last year but at the moment they are driving me mad. I still pretend to laugh them off though! I feel like every comment is a little reminder that I'm getting older and need to get sorted soon. When people make these kind of engagement and marriage jokes to my partner when I'm there he just laughs and says ah we're still young. But I feel like turning to him and saying No we're not! We've spoken about marriage before numerous times in a vague way and its definately on the horizon from his point of view. But the question is when. He is so laid back I feel it may not happen for a long time. I'm probably way overthinking things but thats very much a part of who I am unfortunately.

My younger sister getting engaged recently was a strange one. While I was absolutely delighted for her and her partner. I couldn't help feel that I thought it would be me getting married and starting a family first. What I suppose my question is is whether I should bring this up with my partner. I really don't want to freak him out and have a wierd discussion but I don't know what else to do. Of course I'd love a romantic surprise proposal but realistically at this stage it's going to be just him caving into external pressure to propose. Its going round in my head now for the past few months and is making me very anxious. I never thought I would be someone to put pressure on anyone to get married but I just feel like time is not my side here. I Know some people will probably think I'm freaking out over nothing but I'd still like some opinions on my situation.
Thanks so much.

Vyse

I would suggest talking to him about it. 6 years is a long time. The unfortunate reality is that some people just don't want to get married. If he's one of them and you're not you may well need to go your separate ways.

merlie

Hello Op,

A lot of people live together as opposed to marriage now. Getting married isn't cheap by no means. If could be that your partner is thinking of the costs involved and maybe he is waiting to be more financially secure.

Just because your family, friends think it funny you are not married and the other people in your life are getting engaged or married, does not mean you have to as well. It sounds like a competition. It is your life not anybody else's.

I understand the age thing, and the need to 'rush' to 'secure' your relationship. It is obvious that your partner is as you said 'comfortable' in the relationship. Unlike the other poster, if you find out his views on marriage are different from yours, there is no need to drop him. You have been together for a long time, just talk with him. Communication is the key.

Oryx

1) If you want to get married, ask him.

2) Marriage is not going to change your day to day life with him one iota. Its good to remember that.

3) You could be married in three months time, with feck all expense if you wanted to. It doesnt have to be a big deal. So back to point 1.

OS119

merlie wrote: »

A lot of people live together as opposed to marriage now. Getting married isn't cheap by no means. If could be that your partner is thinking of the costs involved and maybe he is waiting to be more financially secure.

getting married does not cost a lot - its a simple matter of attending an office with 2 other people, a registrar, and handing over 150 quid... if the OP's bf is the kind of laid-back, 'not-fussed' bloke she describes, its extraordinaraly unlikely that the reason he's not proposed is that he's waiting for the day they can have a E20,000 wedding in a castle with white doves, half-a-dozen bridesmaids and every bugger they've ever met quaffing back their champagne...

OP, communication is neccesary here - don't worry about 'scaring him off', you're about to have a 'look, we're running out of time to have kids' conversation. if he runs away its not because of how you phrased it, its because he doesn't want kids.

have the conversation, and make sure that he knows that if you both want marriage+house+kid+kid before your fertility drops through the floor, then as a couple you'll need to get a serious move on. let him know that at this stage a decision, and action, is required. if, once you've made the timing issues clear, he begins to prevaricate then he's saying 'no'.

you then need to make a decision based on what your really want out of life, and how you feel about your boyfriend.

LegacyUser

have the conversation, and make sure that he knows that if you both want marriage+house+kid+kid before your fertility drops through the floor, then as a couple you'll need to get a serious move on. let him know that at this stage a decision, and action, is required. if, once you've made the timing issues clear, he begins to prevaricate then he's saying 'no'.

you then need to make a decision based on what your really want out of life, and how you feel about your boyfriend.

From the above it seems all us 30 year olds better sit our boyfriends down for a chat then. Your post is a bit of scaremongering I think. "Get a serious move on" ?????? Are YOU serious?? Fair enough, if the OP is with her man for 6 years then she has every right to want to move this forward. However, 30 is NOT old and there is pleanty of time for the marriage and family. I'm 30 and get the odd time bomb panic - but then I realise I'm still a young one really! Relax OP, and don't worry so much. Every thing that is meant to happen - happens.

OS119

anoner wrote: »

From the above it seems all us 30 year olds better sit our boyfriends down for a chat then. Your post is a bit of scaremongering I think. "Get a serious move on" ?????? Are YOU serious?? Fair enough, if the OP is with her man for 6 years then she has every right to want to move this forward. However, 30 is NOT old and there is pleanty of time for the marriage and family. I'm 30 and get the odd time bomb panic - but then I realise I'm still a young one really! Relax OP, and don't worry so much. Every thing that is meant to happen - happens.

female fertility starts to decline markedly at 35 - on average, and it takes - on average - a fertile couple some 6 to 12 months of regular unprotected sex to acheive a pregnancy.

if you plan on having children you want to have your children by then. if you're happy with the idea of 'it may happen, it may not', then by all means wait.

so yes, if the OP wants several children - she makes reference to wanting 'a number of children' in her post - then sorting out her BF, getting a new house, getting married, and having a minimum of two children before she's 35 means getting on with it.

'getting on with it' now also means of course that should her BF say that actually he doesn't want kids, she has an opportunity to assess her options. if she waits a few years while he prevaricates, then she may find herself out of options.

OP. apologies for the rather 'clinical' discussion of your life, hopes, dreams, and internal organs - sadly however the subject warrents it...

username123

You need to have a chat with him and find out what his plans are. He could easily coast along for another few years, get a shock when you insist on marraige later on and walk away from the relationship leaving you mid-30s and in a worse position time-bomb-wise.

Just tell him that you want to have children and the clock is ticking and if marraige isnt on the cards in the next year or two you need to know so you can assess your situation.