Giving Closure

LegacyUser

Long term poster...

Was in a LDR with a guy for 2+ years until mid 2007. It was a mainly emotional relationship - we never went "all the way" - which was his choice but one I was relieved by. As with some LDRs we gradually grew apart, and all this time apart gave me great scope to think. I was confused about my sexuality for many years and was toying with the idea of being bisexual until I finally accepted that I was indeed gay. He was aware of my past relationships with women and was under the impression I was bisexual.

A few weeks after this "epiphany" I traveled to meet him and told him that I thought we should end our relationship because of the distance/changes in views/general drifting apart. He agreed wholeheartedly and admitted that he had been feeling the same and went as far as to say that his mind had drifted to another person. I didn't tell him I was breaking up with him because I was gay.

My thinking, after consulting with friends and family, was that the revelation might be damaging or hurtful for him. While I wasn't in love with him romantically, I still loved him and didn't want to hurt him so I thought it was best to not say it. I realise that this was very naive and thoughtless of me, perhaps cowardly even.

Contact with my ex has been intermittent but amicable, via email/text and a handful of telephone calls over the years. He was aware over this time that I had relationships with women. Soon after we broke up, he entered another long term relationship which ended 4 months ago and he decided to take a holiday back home to clear his mind. He arrived back 2 months ago and through mutual friends, his family too even, learned that I am gay. Cue a week of abusive phonecalls and emails, to not just me but my family (he still had my house phone number) and my girlfriend.

I arranged to meet him, to talk plainly about how the land lay. I told him the truth, I was in fact _just_ gay and I had realised this towards the end of our relationship. He was quite upset and vowed never to talk to me again .... until last week when he contacted me and claimed that he was "emotionally fractured" and could "never trust a woman again". I have, it would seem, dented his masculinity.

I've refuted all of his questions - no he didn't turn me gay, no I was not attracted to him 'cos he was effeminate, no I didn't "settle" for him. I'm blue in the face from trying to explain to him that my sexuality has NOTHING to do with him. It just doesn't seem to be working.

What can I do to put his mind at ease? The ideas have run out. Anyone out there been in a similar scenario? I need advice, please.

rizzee

He should get off his high horse, you've done nothing wrong here. He entered another relationship after you, if he wasnt over you then why did he get into one? Why does he still hold a grudge when you both agreed on mutual terms to end your relationship with each other? He seems like aright muppet.

magneticimpulse

he was in a relationship so what gives him the right to treat you like this? if you were dating another man, would he still be giving you abuse. i cant really give you advice, but hopefully he comes around and stops acting like a twit

OS119

solicitors letter.

there was nothing cowardly about the way you broke up with him, you were 'compassionately honest' and sensitive - indeed far more sensitive and concerned about his emotional wellbeing than if you'd said 'im breaking up with you because i'm gay'...

you have absolutely no obligation to be nice to this bloke, he's being an utter twat and has no 'right' to be upset or hurt about decisions you've made long after you broke up with him.

solicitors letter - cease and desist all contact or you'll answer to the Gardai.

(if you're feeling cruel, add "and yes, you did 'turn me' gay with your utterly inadequate performance!" to the solicitors letter.)

good luck, and enjoy your life.