How to deal with alcoholic friend

LegacyUser

I'm going unregged here because quite a few people I know IRL know my log in but aren't aware of some of the issues I'm dealing with. This is also very long and a little bit complicated, so thanks if you make it through.

My husband is an alcoholic. He's currently in recovery but it's really very, very early stages and it's a massively stressful time for both of us. In a lot of ways I've borne most of the stress of this, particularly while he was still in denial and when he was starting to realise he did have a problem as he was frightened and frustrated and took a lot of that out on me. We are now at a point where he is nearly there but does occasionally still slip up. Maybe if he's had a tough session with his doctor or is feeling particularly depressed. He's getting help and I believe he will get there. He's come a very, very long way. But it's still very hard.

But that's just really the background. I have this friend who I met a few years ago when I was her manager. This might sound odd, but it wasn't a massively deep friendship as was her boss and needed to keep a certain distance between us. She would tell me a lot about her personal life and ask me for advice. If I'm honest she's never seemed massively together, but she's nice and I like her and we had a lot of fun together. A year or so ago we both moved on work wise and I stopped being her boss so our friendship got a bit tighter. I told her about the situation with my husband and how stressful it is. I'm not sure how much she really believes me as she has this idea that my life is perfect. I really appreciated our nights out. We'd have a laugh and I could let my hair down, which was a huge relief from things with my husband.

A few months ago she text me and said she was an alcoholic and needed help stopping drinking. I talked to to her a bit about it and I agree that she probably is. She can't go without a drink. If she doesn't drink she won't sleep. If she can't afford drink she gets panicked and can't function until someone loans her money. She has a very small income, but her number one priority is budgeting for her alcohol. I suggested she go to AA, but she was nervous so I said I would go with her. Tbh, I really, really didn't want to do this. It might sound mean but I'm barely staying afloat with my husband's problem, I just don't honestly feel I have the strength to help anyone else. I've gone to a couple of open meetings with my husband and they take a lot out of me. But I reasoned that I would take her to a 'newcomers' meeting and get her talking to someone who would help her.

I would keep making arrangements for us to go to a meeting, but every time she would find an excuse not to go. So I suggested we make it part of a day out. Go to a meeting and then a nice lunch and shopping, so it would be less of a frightening. She always agrees initially but then backs out. A couple of times her excuses have been that she can't afford the bus fair as she needs the money for wine. Or that she has a stressful few days ahead and needs to not feel bad about drinking. This went on for about 2 months.

I talked to another friend, my al-anon group and even my marriage counsellor about things with her. They all said that I've done more than enough and I need to let her go to a meeting or not go, but to stay out of it myself for now. I sent her the book that details all the local meetings and suggested she could also talk to her gp about alternatives if AA wasn't for her. I felt sort of bad but also relieved to not have to deal with it anymore.

The problem is that she seems to have decided to completely forget about it and is trying to put things back to exactly how they were. If I suggest lunch she doesn't want to do that, she wants to go shopping and for a few drinks. I know she's broke, we aren't doing great moneywise either atm, so I've invited her over for dinner/lunch, but that's too expensive for her as she can't afford bus fare. I've suggested she stay over here on nights my husband is away, and we can have a girly night in. But she wants us to go for drinks instead. She was supposed to come over for lunch this weekend but she's just text me to suggest we go for drinks instead and it's driving me crazy.

I don't quite know how to make it clear to her that I can't go for a drink with her. She's told me she's an alcoholic and that she knows she can't go on drinking. I'm just (hopefully) coming to the end of a hellish time with my husband's alcoholism. There is no way on earth I can ever go out with her while she is drinking. I can't stop her drinking, but I can't pretend everything is the way it was before I knew.

mazcon

She has handed this problem to you to solve and now she is sitting back and letting you worry about it. She won't stop drinking because of anything you do or say (or don't do or don't say). While you are there worrying about her addiction, she doesn't have to. My advice to you would be to step back completely, she is clearly not ready to tackle her problem yet so stop trying to force her to. If she wants to go drinking with you, say what you have said here...you don't feel comfortable drinking with her when she has said she has a drink problem. After that the choice to meet up is hers, Active alcoholics are very manipulative and will suck you dry emotionally if you let them. It sounds as if you are investing a lot of emotional energy in getting this woman into recovery. That energy would be better invested your own recovery and that of your husband. Take care x

anniehoo

OP first of all you sound like such a nice, caring and genuine person. I really hope your husband is on the right track, alcoholism is horrendous to deal with and so stressful id imagine. With regards to your friend id basically just give her an ultimatum-sober up and get help or see ya later. This may sound harsh but you have given this girl more chances than many people would have. How have you kept your temper when you are trying to organise fun sociable nights and she says she "has no bus fare", yet she can afford wine? Crazy behaviour altogether.

Basically explain to her that unless she makes a concious effort to get help and socialise without alcohol involved you'll have to take a break from her as you've enough to deal with.The stress of dealing with 2 peoples issues by yourself will only end up affecting your health in the end.

Taltos

I am going to be a bit blunt here - so sorry if this offends.

Stop making plans to meet.
Stop meeting her.
Stop returning her calls.

Reason: You need to focus on you, and on your OH. But primarily on you. Right now - this so called friend is leeching all of your remaining strength and you don't need that.

Guilty? No - don't be. You have repeatedly tried to help - meetings / books etc. But - this is her issue to deal with and only she is responsible.

For your own sake walk away. Apologise if you want to and give the reason above - it is true. Simply tell her you are too worn out right now to do anything with her and have no space to deal with anyone elses problems. Wish her all the best and advise that you hope at some point in the future you can pick up this friendship again - when she is sober and in recovery.

All the best with your husband. And do take care of yourself - I know how draining it can be to deal with a family member who's an alcoholic.

username123

Im going to be blunt on this one as well.

Stop trying to help her.
If she suggests meeting up with alcohol involved say tht you dont wish to go drinking with her in light of her recent relevations about being alcoholic and as Taltos says below, that you dont have time for a dysfunctional friendship so youd prefer space until she is in recovery.

No need to be mean or nasty or anything like that - just be clear, brief and leave her to get the help she needs off her own bat.

It sounds like she is attention seeking and manipulating you to get your attention - when she knew you were busy with your husband she suddenly needed your help - leave her off to sort herself out - you havent time or energy to be dealing with her problems.

auerillo

I think you can be honest with her and tell her that you are just too busy now to meet her. As you will know, living with your husband who you say is alcoholic, is mroe than enough stress and without having to cope with another alcoholic too. And you also know that no amount of talking to a stranger is going to convince an alcoholic to stop drinking. Thats a decision they have to reach for themselves, and sometimes it takes years or even decades. Point he to AA and tell her they are better placed to help her, wish her luck, and wave her goodbye, as the song goes!