Don't know what to do ???

LegacyUser

Hey all ,

Not sure where to post this well this is the deal , basically been with my boyfreind now 8 years ... and well i dont know if its going to go any further .. i mean 8 years is a long oul time and i dont know if he is ever going to propose to me .. we have talked about it and well last year i mentioned it when we went out for dinner and i was after have a bad year with my parents splitting up and he said he didnt want to ask me becuase of this , then he changes the subject .. all of our freinds keep joking about it and things and he just laughs it off .. his younger brother got engaged this year too and getting married now next year and they been together 4 years ... i just feel that im wasting my time hanging on , i mean there is only so many times u can say it to someone without being a pain , we moved in together only last year after 7 years .. and only becuase i pushed him a little bit btu he then agreed it was the best thing he has done .. i love him very much and he is my best freind .. i just dont know what to do and would be happy to hear of any other peoples opinons ..

Thanks in advance

P

DagneyTaggart

What will you have from marriage that you dont have now lala?

Shazam69

Wht don't you ask him to marry you!

LegacyUser

Shazam69 wrote: »

Wht don't you ask him to marry you!

haha i actually mentioned that before , i said what would u say if i asked you and he just said i would say no !!! coz i want it to be me that asks you .. but i mena 8 years and waiting lol agghh

John Mason

What difference is a piece of paper going to make to your life/relationship?

seahorse

DagneyTaggart wrote: »

What will you have from marriage that you dont have now lala?

This is the question I would be asking myself if I were you lala.

finbarrk

At the same time it's time for him to bite the bullet and ask you. Could you ask him is he ever going to ask you to marry him?

martdalto

I know if you want to get married, then it's almost the only thing you think of. And the longer it doesn't happen, the more you think you are missing out on.

He has already told you that he wants to be the one to ask you, so he hasn't said he never wants to get married. I'd leave him to it another while. How long you're going out together doesn't make that much difference really. Although I know when you want something, and you see someone else getting it quicker (his brother) that can be upsetting.

Why would you split up with him? Do you love him? Does he love you? Would you be happy to split up with him and go off and find someone else, get married within a coupe of years, and never think about your bf again?

Give him time (I know, I know, he's had 8 years!.. but....) You've only been living together a year. He was reluctant at first, but admits it's now the best thing he ever did. I get the impression, he's a bit of a slow mover! Would you like children? Are you waiting to get married to have children? Are you reaching "an age" where maybe there's not much time left, or are you still quite yong?

Have you discussed, things like this with him, children, age, time, etc?

If you haven't then maybe you should. At least then it might give him an idea of how long he has left before it becomes too late. Try not to nag about it. There's nothing that will make someone dig their heels in more, than being nagged about something. And when he eventually does ask, wouldn't you like to think he asked because HE wanted to, and not because YOU wanted to!

kittenkiller

DagneyTaggart wrote: »

What will you have from marriage that you dont have now lala?

Maybe the Op doesn't want to start a family outside of marriage?
Maybe she needs to know that he's in things for the long haul?
Maybe she's bored and fancies a project to keep her busy?
Maybe she wants to celebrate her relationship with all her family and friends around?
Maybe she respects the sanctity of marriage and feels that she's put a whole chunk of her life into a relationship that she's not 100% sure is going anywhere?

There are plenty of reasons that she might want to get married.

I think you need to have it out with your partner.
Tell him how important it is to you and give him a guideline like "I always saw myself being married by the time I was {insert age at next birthday here}."
If you want to marry this guy, then you should be able to have a frank talk with him about your hopes, dreams and plans for the future.

krudler

kittenkiller wrote: »

Maybe the Op doesn't want to start a family outside of marriage?
Maybe she needs to know that he's in things for the long haul?
Maybe she's bored and fancies a project to keep her busy?
Maybe she wants to celebrate her relationship with all her family and friends around?
Maybe she respects the sanctity of marriage and feels that she's put a whole chunk of her life into a relationship that she's not 100% sure is going anywhere?

There are plenty of reasons that she might want to get married.

Except that one

Angelandie

My sister was in same boat as you OP. She has been going out with a guy for yrs and has mentioned a few times that she would like to get married. This is generally met with responses such as Waste of Money, Better things to spend my money on than a ring! Finally last yr she told him that she wanted to at least be engaged before they'd be going out 10 years (they're going out 9 yrs now). Just the other day they were talking about Christmas presents for each other and he asked Her to marry him and now is getting her an engagement ring for Christmas and has promised to propose again with the ring.

He has said he wants to ask you so just give him time, but maybe but a vague deadline in his head! Best of luck!

LegacyUser

thanks all for your replys .. I know most people think that getting married it just a peice of paper , but its not its about making that commitment to somebody and making vow's for the rest of your life , and guess it apart of life too , I will sit down tonight anways and talk to him and tell him what i think .. and then leave it up to him i guess .. thanks again

P

wicklori

Broke up with my ex earlier this year, after coincidentally 8yrs, and reading your post, I could have been reading about myself.

I can completely relate to your feelings-every time you go to a wedding people say-oh you'll be next to give us a day out; every time one of your social circle gets engaged you wonder when/if it'll ever be you; and most of all you wonder what's wrong with you that he hasn't proposed by now.

We can all say you shouldn't need a piece of paper and ask why you want to get married but that's not the point. You want to be married to him and that's it!

I don't know if I'm the best person to give advice as we ended up splitting, but I will say this. Make your position clear-you want to get married, to him, in the not too distant future. See what his response is and if it's not what you want at the very least consider your position.

Can you handle much more of this feeling (the way it felt to me was like an implicit rejection)? I'm sure over the years your OH has got the message that marriage is on your agenda and had his chance to say it wasn't on his?

The only other thing I will say, (and someone said this to me before we broke up and I didn't really appreciate it!) is that I met someone else and the long term plans are very much on the agenda-immediately! The implication being that when you are with the right person, the rest happens naturally....

tbh

kittenkiller wrote: »

Maybe the Op doesn't want to start a family outside of marriage?
Maybe she needs to know that he's in things for the long haul?
Maybe she's bored and fancies a project to keep her busy?
Maybe she wants to celebrate her relationship with all her family and friends around?
Maybe she respects the sanctity of marriage and feels that she's put a whole chunk of her life into a relationship that she's not 100% sure is going anywhere?

There are plenty of reasons that she might want to get married.

I think you need to have it out with your partner.
Tell him how important it is to you and give him a guideline like "I always saw myself being married by the time I was {insert age at next birthday here}."
If you want to marry this guy, then you should be able to have a frank talk with him about your hopes, dreams and plans for the future.

All good reasons, but maybe she just wants to know why the guy is with her for 8 years and hasn't asked her yet?

OS119

OP, while its a very good idea to make sure your partner knows what you want out of a relationship, you ought not to assume, like this:

finbarrk wrote: »

...At the same time it's time for him to bite the bullet and ask you....

that he has the same views as you about what are the milestones in a relationship or indicators of how happy either partners are with it.

he may have no interest in marriage per se, that doesn't mean he doesn't want a very long-term, exclusive, serious relationship. he may be happy with the relationship as it is, precisely because he's happy with the relationship as it is.

two friends of mine who are in an exclusive, long-term serious relationship that is every bit as deep as my marriage, explained their decision not to get married as 'i know that she/he wakes up every morning in my bed because they want to be there - not being married means that i'll never ever have ask myself if they're there because they can't afford to divorce me'.

its a logic i rather like - and if it wasn't for the legal advantages of marriage when you have kids, its one i'd like to try. your BF may have similar views....

HermitHorace

Do you think he is committed to the relationship? in that his heart is not truely in it?

I know this is difficult to consider but I guess the only way to find out is like others have suggested, have an open and frank dicussion but keep all options open.

martdalto

HermitHorace wrote: »

have an open and frank dicussion

... but try not to turn it into a nagging session or a "him against you" situation!

If you love him, and he loves you, then there is no real reason for you to call it a day, but as others have said - have the discussion, with a seemingly vague timeline, but still getting the idea in there!

You never know - he might already be planning the proposal as you sit here reading!

gilmour

Im going to try my best not to turn this post into a rant so here goes:

The OP's post could have been my ex gf's post from 2 years ago, i was with my girlfriend for over 8 years and eventually got the axe for a number of reasons, but the biggest one being failing to "truely commit myself to her". I adored her, was faithful to her, treated her very well and cared for her deeply. We had a very very good relationship - stable, unique, trustworthy and despite the fact we were with each other for so many years, we somehow managed to keep it fresh and vibrant - up until the time a few of her friends got proposed to, after that it was downhill ,and fast.

Now, the rant. What is it that is so appealing about marriage to anyone? What is the fundamental appeal of going through a process that, to me anyways, puts an otherwise happy couple under psychological and financial pressure, especially when they already have what they wanted in the first place - Love. Reading the OP it looks like she is on the verge of giving an ultimatum to the love of her life, either you do what i want or you go and take your love for me and everything we built together with you. Maybe im ****ing crazy, but does nobody else think like me and see this is flawed logic of the highest degree? Its either real insecurity based solely on social status or a complete lack of trust for the partner.

Somebody else already pointed it out, but OP you should really clear the mind and think hard about what married life is going to give to you compared to what both of you have got right now, and then for any benefits that you think of, ask yourself are those benefits really worth risking your entire relationship for what you've both worked so hard to develop and maintain.

LegacyUser

but then, on the other hand, OP would think: does this guy not love me enough to marry me?

MissHoneyBun

DagneyTaggart wrote: »

What will you have from marriage that you dont have now lala?

irishbird wrote: »

What difference is a piece of paper going to make to your life/relationship?

seahorse wrote: »

This is the question I would be asking myself if I were you lala.

By the same token, why shouldn't her boyfriend marry her then when it clearly means so much to her?

And who's to say that she is the one risking the relationship by wanting marriage? By virtue of not wanting marriage is her boyfriend not putting the relationship at a similar risk? Let's not place all the blame on one person, when both desires are equally valid.

To put it simply OP, you need to talk to your boyfriend. Communication is key. The outcome may be positive or negative but at least then you'll have an outcome, which is far better than an endless waiting game.

dirtydress

Whether your pro marriage or anti is irrelevant here. The fact is that the OP's OH is (for all that she knows) PRO marriage...as in he wants to marry her at some stage so we can rule out any feelings about "what does a piece of paper mean" and 'do you not love each other enough as you are?'. The question here is when is he going to get his skates on and ask (since he's already said he wants to be the one to ask) and for an answer I think the OP is going to have to have a very honest conversation with her OH.