Break Up problems??

LegacyUser

I decided to post up as unregistered for obvious reasons....

Anyway, I had been going out with a girl for the 4months or so and everything was fine, she's a solicitor in Dublin and I'm a Student in Limerick, met her on a random night out back in July. Everything had been going fine, I used to go up to Dublin every 2nd weekend and we'd do the usual stuff, concerts/drinks/dinner etc.. and it was all fine fine.

The major problem for her was the age difference, She was just gone 29 recently and I just 22.. I didn't had a problem whatsoever about it but she obviously did, I didn't go out of my way to mention my age in fairness but it started 2 weeks ago when she sent a text along the lines of "....Its amazing what you can find out online..." Obviously she was searching my name, which didn't bother me too much.

Everything was fine until this weekend, I came up Friday as usual, I met her when she finished work and we had a few drinks and all was good, we arrived back to hers and caught the end of the Toy Show and a dvd afters, everything was perfect...Fastforward the following morning, she pop's off to get some water and arrives back to bed and hop's in, we fall asleep again and we wake up to get ready for the Irish Rugby game, at which point she says out of the Blue, " When were you going to tell me?" I obviously had no clue what she was on about, and she says again "Are you going to tell me", at which point, I don't know what it was, it came through that she was on about my age. I didn't know how to reply....

My answer eventually was some along the lines of ..."What do you want me to say? That I have been slowly falling in love with you and knew that you'd drop me like a sack of spuds if you found out.." At which point she sort of let out a small nervous laugh, I asked why she did and she said it was either laugh or cry.

She said we could still go to the game as "Friends" and I said fine, but I couldn't see how it could work since we basically weren't talking much at that point anyway.. I offered to leave her the match tickets and I'd go home, but she declined and said she'd drop me to the station. At the station I tried to offer an explanation the same as in the apartment but I got a curt "get out". I then decided to drop her a text about 20 minutes later and apologised again and again stating I was falling in love with and am still... I got a reply that I shouldn't treat people I like that..And that you don't discuss your so called relationship via text and it ended with "Please don't contact me again..."

This was saturday morning before the game and I have tried texting her again, but to no avail, It was probably the stupid thing to do but I had to try.. I aske if we could talk about it but nothing back...

What should I do?? Delete her number/texts and remove all evidence of her from my life and as the guys say "get back on the horse"...?? Try get in contact with her again? I need answers

And a massive thank you if you actually take the time to read this. Cheers.

DubLass

I dont get it, so was your age the issue? If everything was going grand why would it matter? It sounds like there might be more going on in her head, or if not, maybe she just doesnt like younger guys, sounds a bit immature to me.

LegacyUser

Ya it was the age, apparently I had been lying to her about it all along about it even though it only came up 2/3 times over that period of time. Oddly enough she used to mention the odd time how she usually went for older guys, and infrequently mentioned 1 or 2 of her ex's, which I let slide.

What should I do?

My thinking is that possibly she's of that (and I hate being cliched here) settling down age possibly? And that me only half way through my masters/ temp duty manager job(oddly enough I was on a very similar pay rate to herself..) was a put off?

Found it strange too how suddenly she switched from relationship to "...we can go as friends to the match.."

Any advice is massively appreciated.

berger28

nothing to do here but forget the whole thing. Deleting her number is a good place to start. You seem genuine, and while I can appreciate her point of view, if age was an important factor to her then why didnt she ask you straight out first time she met you, she must have known you were somewhat younger.

Monkey61

OP to be honest I think you may have had a lucky escape here. She sounds really really odd.

I don't know how anyone could go from "having a great relationship and everything is perfect" one minute to suddenly "we can just be friends" the next if she had already found out about your age. Her telling you to get out, that you shouldn't "treat people like that" and "talk about relationship via text" in those circumstances is beyond rude and very, very strange.

For 29 she sounds a hell of a lot less mature than you do.

All I can think of is that she was looking for an excuse, she is a total drama queen...or that she is just a bit of a nutjob.

I know you are falling in love with her and it seems difficult now, but the best thing to do is delete the number and move on. In the future you can have a hilarious story about the weirdo solicitor ex-girlfriend.

Snabe

wow. totally agree with monkey61. seems a total overreaction on her part.

ok, i understand how she'd feel a bit funny about things coz you didn't come straight out and tell her your age - what else might you be hiding etc. but the fact is that age gaps just aren't that big a deal. you seemed to be getting on great when she thought you were a similar age to her.

its totally her issue. if she has a problem with going out with a 22 year old just because he is 22, rather than basing her decision on the person, then there's not much you can do to change her mind.

i'd say just leave things be for a while, she might realise quickly enough that its not actually that big a deal.

ash23

I don't know guys. I'm 27 and if I found out a guy I had been seeing for 4 months was only 20 then I'd be pretty upset.

The fact of it is OP, that over that time she obviously suspected you were younger. She brought it up (she should have just asked you outright) and you never told her. You were being deliberatly obtuse about it and somewhat deceptive. You knew what age she was and you suspected it may be an issue that you were younger and therefore you omitted to tell her which imo is deceptive albeit for "the greater good".

I wouldn't go out with someone 7 years younger than me. I'm at a different stage in my life, where I want to get married and have kids. I doubt a 20-22 year old would be in the same frame of mind.

I'm guessing she thought that what she had found on the internet might be wrong (after all even the internet makes mistakes ) but I'm guessing that when you were up there she found a way of making sure (checked your ID while you were asleep).


She didn't handle it well at all. She should have just asked what age you were if she had suspicions you were younger. But you didn't handle it well either and should have told her.

I doubt there is much you can do to salvage this. If you really want to try then write her a letter saying that you are sorry for not telling her but you hope she doesn't throw away what you both have just because of your age. But tbh OP, it seems like she knows what she wants and she's all too aware that you aren't the person she can have that with. I broke up with a guy lasy year because I found out he was just coming up to his 20th birthday. He didn't lie so it finished before it started. I just wasn't willing to invest a lot in a relationship where we were at totally different stages in our lives.

It might sound harsh but it's true.

DubLass

I dunno Id be delighted to get a fella 7 years younger than me I agree with Monkey, I think you had a narrow escape and to be fair, she was going out with you for a couple of months, she either liked you or didnt, age shouldnt be a factor. And I know lots of 20-22 year olds that are far more mature than 28-29 year olds.

(let me clarify this with I was asked out by a fella a whole 20 years younger than me last week, he didnt know of course) but I said no.

ash23

DubLass wrote: »

I dunno Id be delighted to get a fella 7 years younger than me I agree with Monkey, I think you had a narrow escape and to be fair, she was going out with you for a couple of months, she either liked you or didnt, age shouldnt be a factor. And I know lots of 20-22 year olds that are far more mature than 28-29 year olds.

(let me clarify this with I was asked out by a fella a whole 20 years younger than me last week, he didnt know of course) but I said no.

I think it depends on what age though. If I were 45 I'd have no problems going out with someone who was 35.
But I'd have huge problems if I were 30 and going out with a 20 year old.

This girl the OP is talking about has her life sorted. SHe has a career and is older, knows what she wants and where she is with herself.

He's in college, living far away from her, could end up anywhere in the next few years.
Plus he didn't tell her.
Whatever chance he had of sorting it earlier if he'd been upfront but that, combined with the age gap, I don't blame her really.
I'd do the same, i'd just have handled it better.

LegacyUser

I did guess that she had obviously had a good look through my jacket Saturday morning. It was hard to take that she had so little trust in me. Its not like I intentionally lied or went particularly out of my way to.

In fairness to myself its not exactly like I'm a first year college student, I'm halfway through a masters currently, and I have a definite life plan for the next 5 years.

I think the reason it hit me so hard was the ease at which I slipped into her lifestyle, Dinner and Drinks with good conversation or casual Sunday's out in Dalkey or some such... It was or still is even how I envisage myself in 5 years. And it all just suited me down to the grounded. That and just having someone to share the smaller moments with..

I took the first step today and deleted her number off my phone. But I have saved it to a email draft just in case.

ash23

Helpme1987 wrote: »

I think the reason it hit me so hard was the ease at which I slipped into her lifestyle, Dinner and Drinks with good conversation or casual Sunday's out in Dalkey or some such... It was or still is even how I envisage myself in 5 years. And it all just suited me down to the grounded. That and just having someone to share the smaller moments with..

See, she probably sees herself married with a couple of kids in 5 years. Lets not forget that in 5 years you will be 27. She will be nearly 35.
I'm 27 now and not in any major rush to get married and have kids. But still, I would expect and want to be married with kids at 35.

She feels that she hasn't the time to spend waiting for you to get to where she is.
Did you ever see the episode of friends where Rachel turns 30 and dumps the younger guy because she has an idea, a timeframe, in her head about being married with kids and he just doesn't fit into that.

DubLass

ash23 wrote: »

See, she probably sees herself married with a couple of kids in 5 years. Lets not forget that in 5 years you will be 27. She will be nearly 35.
I'm 27 now and not in any major rush to get married and have kids. But still, I would expect and want to be married with kids at 35.

She feels that she hasn't the time to spend waiting for you to get to where she is.
Did you ever see the episode of friends where Rachel turns 30 and dumps the younger guy because she has an idea, a timeframe, in her head about being married with kids and he just doesn't fit into that.

Sometimes the best laid plans dont work out to plan, how about enjoying life for the moment and letting the future take care of itself?

ash23

DubLass wrote: »

Sometimes the best laid plans dont work out to plan, how about enjoying life for the moment and letting the future take care of itself?

Some people plan. I do. I prefer to have an idea in my head about what route my life is taking and I prefer to take action than wait and see what happens. I'm just saying that perhaps the OPs ex is the same.

Some people will think "age gap? No biggie. I'll see what happens".
Others (like me and I'm guessing OPs ex) are more "hmmm...age gap. But if he's 22 then I'll be waiting about 4 years before he'll be considering getting married and then another year at least until we get married and at least another year before we have a baby so at best I can hope to be 35 before having the first one and I want 3 etc etc....

It's just how we're programmed.

LegacyUser

Who's to say I won't be in that frame of mind in sooner rather than later? I just feel let down that it such a quick decision, in the space of 30 minutes I had gone from bliss to standing at the DART station saying "WTF??..."

In my obviously biased opinion age shouldn't have come into it, I've lost count the amount of people who've said that shouldn't have mattered. Although I have come across afew who've said I'm better off, any girl that looks through your personal belongings and is this untrusting is not worth it.

I'm just... I don't know how I am really..I miss her that's for sure, miss talking, the plans we had for Christmas and New Years and that. I deleted her number today, yet still I have an urge to send her a message, and how...how can someone I had so many feelings for just drop me from their life so fast, like I was never there.

I suppose that's shock... I don't know really..

LegacyUser

I feel for you, I really do...i was in the exact same situation except Im the older girl.

the age difference is nothing, I mean I was 11 years difference with my ex and trust me he was younger yes but the most mature of us i have to admit and for sure more mature than many guys around my age.
you cant plans things, you meet someone and you click and no one has their age stamped on their front head, so you go on and get to know them and sure you know their age but you cant help but fall for them...
its the same then a girl who would want to meet a guy rich with fancy car and lifestyle and end up falling for a mecanic (not that there is anything wrong with mecanic guys;) ) just trying to make a point..

For me it was all good and bliss till all his mate start getting jealous of our happiness and brought all those comments as mentioned in earlier posts here about me and what I SHOULD want and DO at my age. How darling of them, right!?


Little by little that made him over think everything, and im like someone said earlier, I live for now, the present and the happiness I have now, what is meant to be is meant to be, no point in making plans for the next 5 years because really, who can say for sure they know exactly where they will be in 5 years! no one!
I have seen gfs of mine at 25 not being able to have kids, or a guy friend of mine getting seriously sick at 22 ...what is it to say you cant love someone for somethign as silly as age!! a birth year!!!!? c'mon guys, thats is sooo shalow..

For me, we loved each other so much he called me for ages after he breakup, he wasnt ready for kids in few years, that was the reason, I accepted it but it sure didnt stopped the feelings!! we were mad about eachother and like you I deleted him and all but it was still there and still is, I accepted the breakup, moved on, but I can honestly say after a year i still think he was the love of my life.

So there, I think if she really had strong feelings for you, and only you can tell as we dont know her, then leave her alone....I did with my ex and he did came in contact telling me he had freaked out but nothing was the same, it was a moment of weakness from him as he was missing me but opinion of others mattered most to him then me in the end so maybe shes the same...

moved on, forget about her for a while, maybe its just because you were in the honeymoon phase that you feel that its been cutting off you but time will tell, if she truely felt something you might see her crawling back to you, if anything ,the fact that you wont chase her might, always does!!! and at this point you might not be interested anymore, who knows!

good luck!

magneticimpulse

Hi OP, im 28, 29 next week. I understand 22 year olds are mature...we are all adults afterall. But you did mention you "lied" about your age. Some people take any sort of lie or deception as a bad sign of character. If you were not so bothered by being much younger how come you didnt tell her straight away your real age? how come you knew she was 29 but she didnt know your age?

I would agree with Ash on this one. You say you have a 5 years plan? Does that involve married with kids? Are you mentally prepared for children now? Like i said I will be 29 next week and Im seriously thinking about children. I dont have a boyfriend, but by 32 I definitely having a child. With or without man. And majority of my friends have said the same. (IVF, man whatever). Ive done my career thing, I want children end of discussion. My clock is ticking...woman cant make babies forever you know. We are consently reminded by our mothers and other elders that we need to get cracking. My life plan...meet man quickly. Date (2 years),31, hope he proposes marriage by the time...quickly arrange wedding (33) pop out 1st child. 35 pop out 2nd child, 37 pop out last child. We just dont have time to wait like you do. Time is tick tick tick. I suspect she wants someone who is willing to do all that now. (i think most women think this...we are all subject to biological clock and didnt choose that)