Say or Not?

LegacyUser

All, I just need to ask you your opinion on what happened to me when I was younger. A family friend always visited (late 50's), I was maybe 11/12, at this age I knew he was in love with me and was always afraid. One day, as a child he measured me, not my height, to see how developed I was. He always taked to me about his s3xual experiences quite graphically. I will add that the talk started when I was around 17. Thank God it didn't go any further than this, I do think it shook me though. I'm in my 30's now, I feel like I want to tell my Family about this experience. I have told my Mother this year but for other reasons I want to tell my Father. The reason I have to tell my Father makes me cry because in many ways I will be explaining to him that all the sh1te he has experienced in life could have been alot worse...too much to go into now.
So, back to my original question, what happened to me, can I have your opinion, am I being over dramatic, as I say nothing happened, just what I mentioned.

tbh

Confused_Me wrote: »

All, I just need to ask you your opinion on what happened to me when I was younger. A family friend always visited (late 50's), I was maybe 11/12, at this age I knew he was in love with me and was always afraid. One day, as a child he measured me, not my height, to see how developed I was. He always taked to me about his s3xual experiences quite graphically. I will add that the talk started when I was around 17. Thank God it didn't go any further than this, I do think it shook me though. I'm in my 30's now, I feel like I want to tell my Family about this experience. I have told my Mother this year but for other reasons I want to tell my Father. The reason I have to tell my Father makes me cry because in many ways I will be explaining to him that all the sh1te he has experienced in life could have been alot worse...too much to go into now.
So, back to my original question, what happened to me, can I have your opinion, am I being over dramatic, as I say nothing happened, just what I mentioned.

It depends what your motives for telling are. If it's to make sure the the guy can't do it to other kids, or to help heal yourself, then sure. If it's to punish your dad, I probably wouldn't. what has been said can never be unsaid. IF the only reason you're telling your dad is to prove to him that things could be worse, then what's the point?

nesbitt

This man violated you and something did happen OP. IMHO there is no grey area for abuse, interference of any kind is abuse and is wrong end of.

You told your Mam, well done. Your reasons for wanting to tell your Dad are valid. Please talk to your GP and seek professional councelling for what you have been through. Remember that you are not alone in being someone who was abused.

kjl

Perhaps the sex talk at age 17 was a little inappropriate, but don't start making accusations like that unless you are 100% sure. This is the kind of thing that could ruin a man's life.

From your own account, he never did anything to you except hug you in some sort of way which you are incredibly vague about.

Taltos

Before you say anything just consider the following.

1. Your motivations in telling your dad.
2. His reaction - again what are you looking for here.
3. Did your mum already tell him? If so and he has said nothing - he might be in shock - all dad's see their daughters as their little girls no matter the age and he might not be coping with this.

I would think approaching and challenging this "friend" with backup would be more appropriate. And scare him a little. Tell him you have informed the gardai and they are now keeping an eye on him.

And finally once more.
Your true reason for telling your dad.

LegacyUser

Hi, OP here. Thank you for all your replies, I suppose I should say a little bit more. The man in question passed away many years ago so my Father and revenge would not be the case. The only reason I want to tell my Daddy is because he lost everything in his life (except his kids), it saddens me to think this, he is an amazing man,. My reason for telling him is I 100% believe I was being groomed as such by this family friend, my parents separated at this time or just after, life has been awful for Daddy (and Mammy), the only reason I want to tell him is to make him think or in some ways realise that it a sad way it was worth it, because our family moved away from this man. Do you understand?
As for how my Mother reacted, shocked, like any parent really in that she had no clue how this man made me feel...No I feel like crying, as I did all day yesterday. So, because of teh break-up I was saved and possibly the rest of my family...

XarcherX

Hi OP, God you poor thing, i can see how this would stick in your head. Nothing like that is ever right, no matter what the circumstance, he was very very wrong.
But i think maybe you should talk to your mam and ask her what she thinks your dad's reaction would be? i don't really know if telling him would do anything but make him miserable. But really i don't know enough about the situation from your post to tell.
I think you should definately speak to your doctor about it first and well done for telling your mam, that took guts.

Take care OP x

Firetrap

I'd not tell him to be honest. I can see in a way how you mean well by telling your dad but it's a risk to take. Your dad could take it another way - that he had a friend that he let into the house and he betrayed his trust by behaving inappropriately towards you. You really don't know how such a bombshell might affect your dad. It could make him very upset and/or angry. Or to question his judgement of people. Rattle his confidence.

LegacyUser

Hi OP,

Are you sure he doesnt know? would your mother not have told him and dealt with this as a serious matter that you were abused sexually in this way when she found out, therapists have to break confidential rules for such a serious matter why was your dad never told by your mother at the time, this must have made you feel that the problem was not so serious.

Maybe if your dad doesnt know get your mum to say it to him now,

As a victim of this abuse you have experienced it is very important that you get acknowledgement and truth that this happened, i know personally that families find it very hard to process sexual abuse but for your health it is important that you deal with any issues that remain, what you could do is arrange to see a therapist and ask your parents for some support on this issue and work through it together, if your dad sees you healing and getting help it may help him.

I still cant understand why your dad was never told by your mother when you told her?

tbh

Confused_Me wrote: »

Hi, OP here. Thank you for all your replies, I suppose I should say a little bit more. The man in question passed away many years ago so my Father and revenge would not be the case. The only reason I want to tell my Daddy is because he lost everything in his life (except his kids), it saddens me to think this, he is an amazing man,. My reason for telling him is I 100% believe I was being groomed as such by this family friend, my parents separated at this time or just after, life has been awful for Daddy (and Mammy), the only reason I want to tell him is to make him think or in some ways realise that it a sad way it was worth it, because our family moved away from this man. Do you understand?
As for how my Mother reacted, shocked, like any parent really in that she had no clue how this man made me feel...No I feel like crying, as I did all day yesterday. So, because of teh break-up I was saved and possibly the rest of my family...

I understand totally - I wouldn't tell him. He won't see the positive, just the negative. He won't see that the abuse stopped, just that it was there in the first place.

I'm not saying you shouldn't tell him about the abuse - that's up to you. But you're asking very specifically would telling him about the abuse make him feel better? My opinion would be "no".

If you want to make your dad feel better, just tell him how much you love him.

Miss Fluff

+1 to what tbh said about. Telling your Dad will be of no benefit to him whatsoever, it would destroy any man to think he wasn't there to protect his little girl. The fact that you think this would make him "feel better" is a little disturbing quite frankly.

LegacyUser

hiya OP
First off, big hugs for what you went through. And well done on being able to talk to your Mam about it-that took a lot of courage.

If you haven't already considered it, I would advise you to speak to counsellor for a while. I had something similar with a family friend, who was closer to my older brother's age, and was trusted like a big brother. I never *ever* want my parents to know about it-they get upset about me losing a job, splitting up with a partner etc-I can't even begin to imagine how upset they'd be to know about something like that. I told one brother (I have several, all older) about this a few years ago, and it nearly destroyed us.

He felt like he should've noticed, should've done something to try and help me, and has threatened to kill the family friend, (who we've not seen since he emigrated in the early 90s.)
He still tries to bring it up now and again, and tells me he feels so helpless about it, and tbh, I regret telling him, because it's tormented him as well as myself.

I went to counselling for a long time, and while I'd never say I'm over it, I am dealing with it a lot better, esp. seeing as there's so much abuse in the news at the moment.

If you feel comfortable talking to your Mum about it again, ask her what she thinks of saying it to your Dad. I don't know if you two have a "chatty" father-daugher friendship, or if you're of my generation (a pat on the head every now and again is "I Love You"!) but either way, as another poster said, what's been heard, can't be unheard.

Please, do speak to a counsellor though-while it won't fix it, it can help it somewhat. Big hugs..Xx

phic

First off OP I'm really sorry about what happened to you, and hope you will seek professional help if you feel you need it.
However, if you want to help your father feel better, telling him his friend abused you probably isn't the way to do it. Maybe you should tell him for other reasons, but it's pretty much guaranteed to make him feel worse if anything.
You said the only thing he hasnt lost is his kids, maybe talk to him about how great his kids have turned out and how much they've acheived and how grateful you are to have him as a father etc. instead? that seems another way to make him see the brighter sides of life, without upsetting him so much.

LegacyUser

Hi OP here, thank you so much for all your replies, they made me cry and see sense. I have decided to see a GP and discuss everything with him, I realise there is no point in telling my Father, it might break him, in many ways it was just good to write this down and hear some wonderful words of advise from everybody. It was also good to read your words telling me that I was in many wasys abused and I have to deal with this to move on. Thank you to all of you for taking the time to reply...
tbh - i tell my Daddy often that I love him, in actual fact I usually ask him who loves him....he gets to list us all...XXX

tbh

Confused_Me wrote: »

tbh - i tell my Daddy often that I love him, in actual fact I usually ask him who loves him....he gets to list us all...XXX

nice one happy christmas.