Tales from the Jax

Johnnnybravo

Anyone here have any interesting stories from things they have overheard from the Jax?

Just wondering cos Im a sad bast*d much like the dole office thread.

My name is URL

Meanwhile, in the hall of Justice!

Rabies

basement?

Gummy Panda

*paging FlutterinBantam*

Princess Consuela Bananahammock

Two bosses talking to eachother about how I'd been hired only to prove how anyone could do some rich git's job. Bastards!

SEPT 23 1989

I banged my head in the jax and invented the flux compositor which makes time travel possible a few days later a midget kid came around claiming to be from the future

i shot him dead

AnonoBoy

Were Basement Jaxx named after a cellar toilet?

minidazzler

When I was a young boy of around 10 I was in the bathroom of a trainstation.

It was my first time in the City and I saw a big black man stab another man in to back while I was in the toilet.

Then a nice man took me back to my farm.

NothingMan

Wow, a thread opened and barely one post relating to the actual topic.

I saw the title and I thought it could be amusing so I came in thinking it'd be a laugh and just see the usual "Oh my god, AH is so sh1te, look at these silly topics". Why post if you think it's silly?

Nehoo, I was in college and the guy in the next cubicle was sharting like a mad yoke. Sounded like the Peter Griffin Vs Michael Moore fart song. Was washing my hands when he came out and it was one of my lecturers! Never able to look at him again without imaging that.

Not so much a tale form the Jax, but definitely one I remember, EEWWW!

Kazooie

I know a lad that fell asleep in the jacks of a pub between the bowl and the wall beside it. When he woke he tried lifting his head straight but up was trapped between the wall and the bowl. He was so locked it took him 15 minutes to realise all he had to too was slide his head out first then lift it up.

He should have his own tv show this lad I'm tellin ye.

Johnnnybravo

NothingMan wrote: »

Wow, a thread opened and barely one post relating to the actual topic.

I saw the title and I thought it could be amusing so I came in thinking it'd be a laugh and just see the usual "Oh my god, AH is so sh1te, look at these silly topics". Why post if you think it's silly?

Nehoo, I was in college and the guy in the next cubicle was sharting like a mad yoke. Sounded like the Peter Griffin Vs Michael Moore fart song. Was washing my hands when he came out and it was one of my lecturers! Never able to look at him again without imaging that.

Not so much a tale form the Jax, but definitely one I remember, EEWWW!

EWWWWW ROFL

thats nasty!!!! but funny, gwan shure were on a roll now mayaswell get a few stories

Tabnabs

"Beware the pygmy limbo dancers!"

Best jax advice ever!

Long Onion

Nothing ever happens in the toilet. If you hear any 'tales' they are either lies or twistings of perverts. Go in, have a piss, wash your hands, leave. Take no more than 2 minutes.

I do not want to hear other peoples toilet conversations, they do not interest me, nor do I want to read other peoples musings of urine addled, drink induced ramblings they may or may not have overheard.

Can we discuss something else?

Johnnnybravo

Long Onion wrote: »

Nothing ever happens in the toilet. If you hear any 'tales' they are either lies or twistings of perverts. Go in, have a piss, wash your hands, leave. Take no more than 2 minutes.

I do not want to hear other peoples toilet conversations, they do not interest me, nor do I want to read other peoples musings of urine addled, drink induced ramblings they may or may not have overheard.

Can we discuss something else?

The short answer would be no:D The long answer would be yes but not in here

Capt'n Midnight

The night was dark and eerie
the toilet light was dim
I heard a crash
and then a splash
good grief he's fallen in :eek:

WindSock

Johnnnybravo wrote: »

:pac: so ya was in the jax and???;)

Well seeing as you are dying for a toilet story....

My friend was working in Wexford and popped into the public toilets there only to see a chap weeing into another mans mouth while he was touching himself.

Is that what you're after?

Johnnnybravo

WindSock wrote: »

Well seeing as you are dying for a toilet story....

My friend was working in Wexford and popped into the public toilets there only to see a chap weeing into another mans mouth while he was touching himself.

Is that what you're after?

well it is a jax story , a disturbing one but a jax story none the less.

Gummy Panda

WindSock wrote: »

Well seeing as you are dying for a toilet story....

My friend was working in Wexford and popped into the public toilets there only to see a chap weeing into another mans mouth while he was touching himself.

Is that what you're after?

was it white wee wee? :pac:

NothingMan

Long Onion wrote: »

Can we discuss something else?

We are discussing something else....On all the other thousands of threads going on boards. Here we're talking sh1te .

Was walking into the toilet in college and a friend was having a p1ss in the cubical so I gave him a little push to throw him off balance(nothing hard just a friendly shove) So as I was pishing in the urinal he decided to do the same back. But the urinal is a lot closer to the wall than a jax so I smashed my head off the tiled wall. Very hard to concentrate on yor aim when you're seeing little birdies dancing around yor head.

DOC09UNAM

Long Onion wrote: »

I do not want to hear other peoples toilet conversations, they do not interest me, nor do I want to read other peoples musings of urine addled, drink induced ramblings they may or may not have overheard.

What an incredibly strange thread to click on if you didn't intend to read drunken rambings about people in the jax then...

i just don't understand how you got so unlucky.

Johnnnybravo

NothingMan wrote: »

We are discussing something else....On all the other thousands of threads going on boards. Here we're talking sh1te .

Was walking into the toilet in college and a friend was having a p1ss in the cubical so I gave him a little push to throw him off balance(nothing hard just a friendly shove) So as I was pishing in the urinal he decided to do the same back. But the urinal is a lot closer to the wall than a jax so I smashed my head off the tiled wall. Very hard to concentrate on yor aim when you're seeing little birdies dancing around yor head.

:D:D:D funny

Johnnnybravo

DOC09UNAM wrote: »

What an incredibly strange thread to click on if you didn't intend to read drunken rambings about people in the jax then...

i just don't understand how you got so unlucky.

rofl

fletch...

mmmm, i dont usually do toilet threads but anyways.
was on the jax and leaned over a bit to see how big the trout was when suddenly the seat snapped off and sent me flying, faceplanted into the wall.

battser

What a thread!

Feck all jax stories but lots of baiting!

Noice!

A work colleague heard some dude crackin one off in the cubicle next to him last week! The culprit has since been sacked off :P

DOC09UNAM

Bit harsh to sack him for that tbh... shoulda just had a word with him about it, would have been funnier.

3hn2givr7mx1sc

battser wrote: »

What a thread!

Feck all jax stories but lots of baiting!

Noice!

A work colleague heard some dude crackin one off in the cubicle next to him last week! The culprit has since been sjacked off :P

FYP.:cool:

AckwelFoley

I heard togizefuking in the cubicle beside me. He was taking a sh1t

dr.bollocko

Thread pruned. Let's see how it goes for a wee while before instigating locking protocol.
Please no more discussion about the rules or whether this thread should stay or go or whatever. Everyone so cranky. Damn.

the_barfly1

Jax was a character in the game Mortal Kombat, he had bionic arms.

Scrawled on the inside of a cubicle door of one of those pay per use Jacks:
"Here i sit all broken hearted, paid to sh1t and only farted"

bluto63

I was in the Porterhouse in London and I went to the toilets to let a log fly. There was one other guy in the bathroom at the urinal. He was standing beside the door of my cubicle, and I started hearing this rattle of jewellry. Underneath the door I could see the shadow of him stroking his salami. When you've still got some work to do in the toilet, you can't just leave. But it's so incredibly uncomfortable to hear this guy giving the little soldier a tug. I just popped my ipod in until I was done then legged it out as quick as I could

r3nu4l

dr.bollocko wrote: »

Thread pruned. Let's see how it goes for a wee while before instigating locking protocol.

I see what you did there

We were out celebrating a friends birthday one night when he went off to the toilets. It was 45 minutes before we realised he hadn't come back

So we assumed he'd scored and didn't give it much more thought until I went to the toilets and then saw his feet sticking out under door of one of the cubicles. Turns out the guy had fallen asleep mid-poo, somehow slipped off the seat and cracked the back of his head on the bowl and was unconscious but sitting up on the floor, head lying back on the toilet seat... Ewww.

We had to call an ambulance and drew lots to see who would go with him to the hospital while the rest of us carried on to a late-bar

Gummy Panda

I remember i went into a Burger King in Limerick at around 2am. I was a mate and his on/off girlfriend. I wanted to take a piss but only the disabled toilets were unlocked.

So i go over and open the door to find a ugly skanger girl on the toilet eating a chicken royale. I could see her manky knickers around her ankles with her jeans. She reached up and closed the door. Didn't try cover herself while closing the door as she was still too busy eating her chicken royale.

Needless to say, I didn't buy any food after witnessing that.

Johnnnybravo

bluto63 wrote: »

I was in the Porterhouse in London and I went to the toilets to let a log fly. There was one other guy in the bathroom at the urinal. He was standing beside the door of my cubicle, and I started hearing this rattle of jewellry. Underneath the door I could see the shadow of him stroking his salami. When you've still got some work to do in the toilet, you can't just leave. But it's so incredibly uncomfortable to hear this guy giving the little soldier a tug. I just popped my ipod in until I was done then legged it out as quick as I could

These are brilliant!! Sick but funny, the odd things people get up to in toliets!

FlutterinBantam

Hmmmm... disgusting these scenarios,reminds me of the time I was in Durban SA and need to "cut rope" sorta rapido.

Pulled into a petrol station in Amanzimtoti and headed for the clunker to dump .

Two cubes ,one free, so in and unloaded ,next thing the fcuking wall of the other one collapsed in on me and there are two rather large African gentlemen in a state of "disarray" one with a rampant cock and the other with a fooking large cornetto stuffed up his hole, which appeared to have been interfered with.

Fcukers actually said "Sorry Baas", gathered themselves together and exited.

I was well past Margate before I recovered :eek:

Johnnnybravo

FlutterinBantam wrote: »

Hmmmm... disgusting these scenarios,reminds me of the time I was in Durban SA and need to "cut rope" sorta rapido.

Pulled into a petrol station in Amanzimtoti and headed for the clunker to dump .

Two cubes ,one free, so in and unloaded ,next thing the fcuking wall of the other one collapsed in on me and there are two rather large African gentlemen in a state of "disarray" one with a rampant cock and the other with a fooking large cornetto stuffed up his hole, which appeared to have been interfered with.

Fcukers actually said "Sorry Baas", gathered themselves together and exited.

I was well past Margate before I recovered :eek:

hahahahahahaha oh fcuk ill never eat a cornetto again. Fcukin halarious!!!

mink_man

NothingMan wrote: »

Wow, a thread opened and barely one post relating to the actual topic.

I saw the title and I thought it could be amusing so I came in thinking it'd be a laugh and just see the usual "Oh my god, AH is so sh1te, look at these silly topics". Why post if you think it's silly?

Nehoo, I was in college and the guy in the next cubicle was sharting like a mad yoke. Sounded like the Peter Griffin Vs Michael Moore fart song. Was washing my hands when he came out and it was one of my lecturers! Never able to look at him again without imaging that.

Not so much a tale form the Jax, but definitely one I remember, EEWWW!

graphic

congo_90

One time went into a jax. Was pretty badly needing to take a dump so i went into a cubicle. I remember i was quite young and noticed a hole in the cublicle wall and the usual grafitti etc.

Anyways just as I was done.. a cóck came through the hole! I was so shocked I didnt know what to do so I just ran out and told a security guard. At the time. I was too young to fully understand but looking back on it..
Ewww! glory hole! :eek:

Other than that, in more recent times. I found someone asleep in a cubicle. lieing in urine, brown stuff (use your imaginiation), possibly vomit and a lotta jax roll hangin outta him with his trousers at his ankles.

Johnnnybravo

congo_90 wrote: »

One time went into a jax. Was pretty badly needing to take a dump so i went into a cubicle. I remember i was quite young and noticed a hole in the cublicle wall and the usual grafitti etc.

Anyways just as I was done.. a cóck came through the hole! I was so shocked I didnt know what to do so I just ran out and told a security guard. At the time. I was too young to fully understand but looking back on it..
Ewww! glory hole! :eek:

Other than that, in more recent times. I found someone asleep in a cubicle. lieing in urine, brown stuff (use your imaginiation), possibly vomit and a lotta jax roll hangin outta him with his trousers at his ankles.

That c*ck thru the wall one is fairly shocking! Disgusting!

RMD

Not the usual toilet story but I have a decent one.

Was doing shots in a bar abroad and all of sudden got that feeling when you know you're gonna throw up so I ran straight for the bathroom. Got inside and the only cubicle was locked, didn't even have time to make it to the sink it came on so fast. Went everywhere, ****ing everywhere. Covered the entire bathroom as it was pretty small (1 cubicle, 1 sink, 2 urinals) and some poor ****er in the cubicle had the pleasure of hearing abotu 2-3 liters of vomit hitting the cubicle door and splashing everywhere.

Ran back outside and grabbed my mates as there was 3 hefty bouncers on the door and I didn't want them sussing me out, just as I was walking by the toilet door on the way out, I see the poor bastard who was in he cubicle emerging covered in my vomit from head to toe on his back, completely dry on the front. Obviously enough he slipped on his way out of the cubicle and got covered in my mess.

Needless to say, I broke my ****s laughing.

Fago!

Johnnnybravo wrote: »

Anyone here have any interesting stories from things they have overheard from the Jax?

Just wondering cos Im a sad bast*d much like the dole office thread.

Not a convo or a story I heard, I was sitting on the jaxx and some guy rushed into the one next to me, struggles to open his jeans and then lets rip.

All you hear then is him pebble-dashing the jaxxpot... "ooohhh god.... btbtbtptptptppbpbpbpbpbpbpppptptptpbpbptpbtbtbtbtbtddtt Brrrapp braappp....."*

Cut to me ****ting myself laughing (Literally)

*

That's the noise of a man's insides falling out through his arse btw!

dr.bollocko

Fago_25 wrote: »

Not a convo or a story I heard, I was sitting on the jaxx and some guy rushed into the one next to me, struggles to open his jeans and then lets rip.

All you hear then is him pebble-dashing the jaxxpot... "ooohhh god.... btbtbtptptptppbpbpbpbpbpbpppptptptpbpbptpbtbtbtbtbtddtt Brrrapp braappp....."*

Cut to me ****ting myself laughing (Literally)

*

That's the noise of a man's insides falling out through his arse btw!

I think we had that figured out without the spoilers mate. The usage of the verb "pebbledash" cements the image pretty well.

Cupcake_Crisis

Oh if toilets could talk!! Myself and a friend almost got thrown out of the toilets on friday night for laughing hysterically and taking about half an hour in the cubicle. Something was very, very funny, but neither of us knows what it was!

I always have really deep, meaningful heart to hearts in the toilets when ive had a few too many. Often with complete strangers mind you :rolleyes:

FlutterinBantam

Uhhhmmmm ..adverb I'd say myself.

Verb = to shíte= a verb tells something to be done?

How things are done the adverbs tell..

hence "pebbledash" is a description of the act of shítting.

As in "I went into the cube after a feed of brown bread and curry and pebbledashed the shítter" or "I didn't enjoy the party for Janet's 21st so I went upstairs and 'pebbledashed ' her family's shítter."

Mods move this to 'languages' if necessary:cool:

Rondolfus

I was at the urinal of a restaurant, when a phone went off in the cubicle behind me. The guy answered angrily and said ,

" No I haven't left! I'm still in the toilet. Yea.... yea... yea...(Getting more frustrated).... WELL I CAN'T HELP IT IF IM CONSTIPATED CAN I???!!


Nice to see romance is still alive

Handsome Bob

My mate had a cold one night we were in the local, when he went for a piss he was constantly sniffing. He was in a cubicle so to the outsider it would have seemed that he was snorting cocaine. Next thing he knows there are bouncers waiting for him outside the cubicle and they ****ed him out for doing cocaine. :pac:

Another one was when my mate was in the jax of a club that shall remain nameless. Some sound bloke gives him a broken nose, and then says "sorry bud thought you were someone else." Oh yeah sound nice one. :rolleyes:

Fago!

dr.bollocko wrote: »

I think we had that figured out without the spoilers mate. The usage of the verb "pebbledash" cements the image pretty well.

OOOOOOOH! Use yer prescription and take a chillpill doc

orourkeda

I heard a bloke taking a sh*t there just yesterday

Thephantomsmask

the_barfly1 wrote: »

Scrawled on the inside of a cubicle door of one of those pay per use Jacks:
"Here i sit all broken hearted, paid to sh1t and only farted"

Then one day I took a chance, thought I'd fart but I **** my pants.

Ann22

My friend and his little niece are always prank calling each other but his niece 'Niamh' always knows his voice, he just can't disguise it. Anyway he was sittin on the bowl in his work toilet quietly minding his own business and for the want of something to do started practicing his voices....'Niamh.. Niamh. .Niamh... (clears throat)...NIAMH. Then, to his horror, the toilet in the next cubicle flushed and someone hurridly left:o.

A workmate of mine was in a toilet once and the chap in the next cubicle was sitting crapping and happily munching a bag of crisps'plop ..crunch..plop:o.

I once wiped my bum and accidentally threw the tissue under the wall into the next cubicle:(..sunny side up. I nearly died of shame. Thank God there was no one next door but there were a few waiting outside. Hope they didn't see my hand frantically scrabbling under the wall to retrieve it:o.

Johnnnybravo

Ann22 wrote: »

My friend and his little niece are always prank calling each other but his niece 'Niamh' always knows his voice, he just can't disguise it. Anyway he was sittin on the bowl in his work toilet quietly minding his own business and for the want of something to do started practicing his voices....'Niamh.. Niamh. .Niamh... (clears throat)...NIAMH. Then, to his horror, the toilet in the next cubicle flushed and someone hurridly left:o.

A workmate of mine was in a toilet once and the chap in the next cubicle was sitting crapping and happily munching a bag of crisps'plop ..crunch..plop:o.

I once wiped my bum and accidentally threw the tissue under the wall into the next cubicle:(..sunny side up. I nearly died of shame. Thank God there was no one next door but there were a few waiting outside. Hope they didn't see my hand frantically scrabbling under the wall to retrieve it:o.

I think the eating in the jax thing is the worst :eek: SICK!

Altho throwing yer used jaxroll in the next cubicle is a classic