I feel neglected

LegacyUser

I'm 24, female and with my boyfriend for about a year. He's a great guy, I love him and he treats me really well but I have a problem with the fact he's a 'great guy' to everyone. Don't get me wrong, I love that he's so kind, but sometimes I think he just takes it too far always trying to fix other peoples' problems. I'm finding more and more lately that this is to the expense of our relationship. I have let it go a lot because I don't want to look selfish. I've been left at parties having to make small talk with randomers because he's talking to a girl mate who's had a fight with her bf, or he's trying to stop a fight, or giving someone a lift home because they were drunk, you get my drift. That stuff is OK, but lately I'm getting annoyed. We'd have made plans for him to come over and he'll be hours late because he's helping out a mate. I'm not suspicious that he's cheating on me, I do believe he's doing what he says, but I just think he takes too much upon himself. He was supposed to meet me at 7pm tonight, it's now almost 11 and he's rung me to say he'll be over 'soon', he's over at a mate's house whose girlfriend is going to break up with him. I know the mate needs support, but.......I'm his girlfriend. I've had a ****ty damn week, I've injured my back so have been stuck at home all week, as a result of that I haven't been able to go to work so I've lost money I was relying on, I study part time and I'm stressed with the workload, I found out I might have to go into hospital soon and I had a horrid procedure done at the dentist the other day. I know none of this is earth shattering, and I know I sound selfish, but I REALLY could have just done with curling up with my BF and a bottle of wine, not sitting in on my own all evening waiting for him. I know he thinks he's doing the right thing, being a good friend, but shouldn't I come first? This mate isn't even one he's known for years or anything like that. He only met him this year. I'm just starting to feel a bit neglected. I tried to tell him this last time and he got very upset and told me he would try to stop helping everyone but he hasn't. What can I do?

starchild

i dont think your being selfish, i reckon if you showed him your post he would understand immediately.

I can kind of relate to your situation , i was very like your boyfriend when i was younger and it cost me a really good relationship. I was pretty much always available to everybody at the detriment of my ex. She got fed up of it in the end and called it a day.

At the time i couldnt see her issue but looking back i understand it completely, i was like soundboard for all my mates to run to and i felt like i was doing the right thing.

Talk to him again and try make him see what you mean, you sound very reasonable and with a bit of luck he will have the common sense to understand it and take it on board.

That_Guy

You're not being unreasonable OP. I understand where you're coming from.

Just have a talk with him about it. Just tell him that you love the way he tries to help others but also tell him that he's not always gonna be able to help everybody. The best way for him to help people is let people help themselves.

LegacyUser

So, I'm still having this problem. He told me he'd take it on board and change, but he hasn't. Every time, it's just this 'one crisis situation' or 'a mate who really needs me'. He just feels like he has to get involved in everything and help everyone, even though most of these people have partners of their own who should be helping them! I feel like I'm the one who ends up lonely and sad while my boyfriend is off giving a shoulder for other girls (and boys) to cry on. What to do??

Taltos

It appears you only told him less than a week ago.

have you shown him this thread?
Look - if it is getting to you that much and you cannot cope with his good nature - ie you see it as a major flaw instead of a strength then sit him down and spell it out.

Use the examples from the last few days. Tell him how rotten you have been feeling and how lonely. Be honest here - just be straight up and tell him that you cannot see yourself continuing in such a one-sided relationship.
That you think it is great he helps others - but he is doing so to the detriment of your relationship and is just pushing you away.

Just ask him to honour his committments to you and that if you are to survive he has to realise that your relationship must come first. Cause here's the thing - there will always be some crisis to someone like him. It is possible in someway he is feeding off being needed and being the saviour like this - but clearly you are starving from it and need a break.

So show him the thread.
OPs BF - you are going to LOSE your girlfriend here...
(like poster above - speaking from personal experience here)

LegacyUser

OP, I was in your situation.
In my case by boyfriend spent way too much time and effort with his two siblings. Now, don't kick me, I'm from a close family but it was getting ridiculous. His sister, who is married, expected him to drop plans to faciltate babysitting her small child (assuming I would come along to keep him company) and because her husband was "useless around the house" he would often spend Saturday afternoons clearing gutters or other DIY stuff for this couple-BTW she is loaded so they could PAY someone to do this stuff but my boyfriend was basically an unpaid handyman. His brother was a former alcoholic, doing really well but he's like a child. My boyfriend woud get calls from him looking for help to sort out financial stuff, assemble flatpack furniture etc. at all times of the day and night.
I had to sit him down, asked him to let me speak with no interuptions, justifications etc and tell him how I felt. He realised how much he was carrying the can for his brother and sister and I think for the first time in his life he decided he didn't have to be the "fixer" of the family. If people rely on others to bail them out, they have no need to change their behaviour or learn to do something themselves. Likewise, if people see their "role" as the good guy who helps every one out (exept the most important person, their partner, because they never need to ask for help!!) again the behaviour won't change. Sit him down and show him your post, make sure he knows its not about HIM but his BEHAVIOUR, because its nice to care but you should come first.

LegacyUser

Taltos wrote: »

It appears you only told him less than a week ago.

have you shown him this thread?
Look - if it is getting to you that much and you cannot cope with his good nature - ie you see it as a major flaw instead of a strength then sit him down and spell it out.

I've asked him many, many times in the past. We ended up fighting over it around the time I made this post and he promised to change, but he's still doing it.

Use the examples from the last few days. Tell him how rotten you have been feeling and how lonely. Be honest here - just be straight up and tell him that you cannot see yourself continuing in such a one-sided relationship.
That you think it is great he helps others - but he is doing so to the detriment of your relationship and is just pushing you away.Just ask him to honour his committments to you and that if you are to survive he has to realise that your relationship must come first. Cause here's the thing - there will always be some crisis to someone like him. It is possible in someway he is feeding off being needed and being the saviour like this - but clearly you are starving from it and need a break.

He asks me why I feel neglected as he supports me so much and does so much for me - this is true. He's the best boyfriend I've had in that way. But I still feel that sometimes he puts me on the back burner temporarily, and I don't see why it's like that.

You are spot on about there always being some crisis to someone like him. I've tried to tell him that these situations exist for everyone, only the rest of us just mind our own business if they don't affect us and get on with our own problems. He just doesn't seem to get it. If someone is upset, if someone gets themselves in a fight or is upset after an argument, he always makes it his problem. He thinks it's strange that I don't, even though I told him almost everyone would take my approach! I'm not selfish or mean, I help people when they need help, but I don't see the point in being Superwoman. It isn't necessary, and to be honest I think it's more to make himself feel good rather than to actually help, as sometimes his 'heroic' actions seem to make things worse for the people involved.

It's just so hard to explain this without it coming across as cruel or an assassination of his character, but I need to get through to him. I would like to show him this thread but I think he'd be upset at me posting on an forum about this.

LegacyUser

Hi op

You are definitely not being selfish or unreasonable i think you have a right to be upset. From personal experience hes not going to change as long as he perceives that what hes doing is right even if hes causing more harm than good, you can sit him down and explain to him how your feeling but you will not get through to him or change him. In fact he may even get worse as he gets older, you have to either accept that this is a part of him or move on. Saying that he could change as he matures more but from your post id doubt it.

CDfm

I reckon your b/f is a bit insecure.He doesnt need to do stuff like this as being out at parties where people argue after drinks etc.- stuff that will sort out

Maybe you need to sit him down and say - right when we are out I want you to spend tim with me not drying the tears of the bimbo who has had too much Prosecco or the guy who having argued with her.So he has to say no to these people.

Tell him that going out with him means you get chatted up by randomers and ask him is that what he wants.

If it happened to me I would tell her I was heading home or I would go somewhere else.

I discuss my health with my g/f and if I was facing tests or whatever she would know about it and be around.