Afraid of being alone.

LegacyUser

I have a problem which when I think about it has probably followed me around for quite some time. I have no problem spending time alone in the house or being on my own. My issue is that I tend to cling in a way to one or a few close friends. I need to be able to text or speak to them or a get very anxious. It terrifies me to think about when college is over and we all go our seperate ways and I lose them all. I'm finishing before a lot of my closest friends so will be in the working world sooner than they are. I was also thinking of going abroad for a while to work but the fact that I'd lose the closeness of them puts me off. I'm scared that I'm going to end up planning my life around other people and not achieving what I really want but at the same time without these people around I just fall into this empty void or something. I just don't know what to do, why can't I live without other people?

santana75

thogoof wrote: »

I have a problem which when I think about it has probably followed me around for quite some time. I have no problem spending time alone in the house or being on my own. My issue is that I tend to cling in a way to one or a few close friends. I need to be able to text or speak to them or a get very anxious. It terrifies me to think about when college is over and we all go our seperate ways and I lose them all. I'm finishing before a lot of my closest friends so will be in the working world sooner than they are. I was also thinking of going abroad for a while to work but the fact that I'd lose the closeness of them puts me off. I'm scared that I'm going to end up planning my life around other people and not achieving what I really want but at the same time without these people around I just fall into this empty void or something. I just don't know what to do, why can't I live without other people?

I think the important thing is that youre aware of the problem. Thats a huge step and a brave one because a lot of people are like this and they never face it or even admit theres a problem. Society at large and the media would lead you to believe that being around other people all the time is the healthiest way to live and that aloneness or individuality is detrimental to your health. In fact I just read an article last week in the paper that basically concluded that single people arent as happy as married people and live shorter lives!! This kind of thing gets into the public consciouness and gives people this fear of being by themselves.
So dont underestimate the degree to which your unconscious mind has absorbed these messages and the degree these fears control your actions.
But thats only one aspect of why you fear being alone. Theres a lot of other messy and complicated issues that are associated with your upbringing, childhood experiences, abandonment issues, lack of self belief, lack of self trust and many others. The only way youre going to get to the bottom of this problem is to stop chasing people. Stop calling, texting and looking for company so much. Now I dont mean cut yourself off completly, but at the same time be aware of the moments when youre most tempted to contact somebody. What is going through your head, what are you saying to yourself? Theres feelings youre trying to avoid by constantly being in touch with others and these feelings are trying to tell you something. What that is only you can know and the only way to know is to let them be and not try distract yourself with other people.
See theres a part of every person that tries to protect them from pain(physical and emotional)and this part of you is very clever at steering you away from discomfort and hurtful feelings. Some people use alcohol to avoid these feelings, others use food(Anytime I see an obese person I cant help but see somebody whos desperately avoiding feeling pain). And then some people will use the company of others not to feel uncomfortable feelings, and this is the category you fall into. The only way around this is to feel the feelings. When you are on your own dont call anybody or even text. Dont watch tv or cook or clean or even read a book. Take time every day to sit with yourself. Just sit in a quite room by yourself for 1 hour every day. At first this may seem hard so even 15minutes would be great, then gradually build on that. Just sit, close your eyes and breath. Thats all you do. Dont daydream though and go off into a fantasy land, breath and focus your concentration on how you feel physically. That'll be a great start and I guarantee if you dont contact other people when you desperately feel the need to, you will find out why you cling to other so much.
Theres a movie playing in your head every time youre alone and its a movie of fear and horrible endings. But it happens so fast you dont even kop onto it. So thats why you need to slow things down, breath and pay attention to how you feel. The thoughts are happening lightning fast and when you think, you feel. For example if youre thinking: Holy crap Im alone and I cant cope, what will happen to me, nobody will take care of me, I'll die etc.........this produces a response in the form of fear. That part of you that protects you from pain will kick into action and get you to contact somebody so that youre distracted from this pain. And the cycle will continue until you break it.
I hope that makes sense, Im not sure if Ive explained all of that clearly. Overall the answer is: Awareness. You have to become aware of what youre telling yourself and aware of the movie youre playing in your head when you are alone. Even write down your thoughts when youre alone, you'll be amazed at the things that are going thorugh your head. Once you become aware you can then work on changing the thoughts.
Good luck

Cicero

what you are describing is something very common, & indeed 'normal'. You are soon moving from a very 'safe' & happy envirnonment to one you are not yet familiar with- it is a common reaction humans feel when faced with a big change in their lives.
I'll keep my response short:
1. What you're experiencing is a normal reaction to an upcoming and inevitable change
2. You are aware of it, which is great.
3. Start small to cope with this change- i.e. start to do things (like go out for the day/an event without your friends to see how it feels) - it doesn't mean you will loose your friends when college ends, it's just your relationship with them will be different, so start to prepare yourself for this now
4. One excellent,best-selling and very readable short book on human change is called 'Who moved my cheese'
http://www.whomovedmycheese.com/Movie.html
I recommend you pick up a copy as it really has some good advice.
5. Remember things will not be the same in the future- they will be DIFFERENT- but that doesn't mean they will be bad..

Hope this helps