In the Cellar: trout

Tom Dunne

(spoken in the style of an investigative journalist. Think Kent Brockman or Alan Whicker. Just not Anne Doyle)



Good evening and welcome to In the Cellar. The section of BGRH where we put various personalities from the site into the spotlight and allow you, the viewers, to ask them the questions you have always wanted to ask.

Our first guest tonight is a man who is a stalwart of all things manly. He is well known on this forum for his musings on various matters of importance to the Brotherhood, he has been known to write the occasional ditty to much hilarity and of recent has branched out into other forums of a more serious nature. He has regaled us with memorable quotes from his late father and, unbeknownst to many people, is in fact a rocket scientist.*

I refer, of course, to Brother trout.

So, without further ado, I open this session of In the Cellar, trout, by asking your views on the following:

(1) In one word or less, how would you describe yourself

(2) Given the current economic crisis, do you agree that removing all taxes on beer would act as a stimulant for the economy, putting everybody in a good mood and pull this country out of recession?

(3) Following on from point (2) above, do you feel that an equal, if not greater, reduction in pork prices would have an equally stimulating effect on the economy?


*may contain some inaccuracies

trout

OK. Here goes. Can't put this off any longer.

1) In one word or less, how would you describe yourself

Hmmm. Lugubrious ... or possibly tachyphagic.

(2) Given the current economic crisis, do you agree that removing all taxes on beer would act as a stimulant for the economy, putting everybody in a good mood and pull this country out of recession?

People much smarter than me in the field of economics are banging on about "you can't tax yore way out of a recession". I would like to attempt, using beer, to drink my way out of a recession ... it would be a noble gesture I'm sure.

(3) Following on from point (2) above, do you feel that an equal, if not greater, reduction in pork prices would have an equally stimulating effect on the economy?

Have to be careful here ... an oversupply of pork could lead to the Brothers getting very satisfied with themselves, quite lazy and indolent, unable to move any great distance and doing away with any aggressive or exciteable tendencies they might ... um *shakes head* ... nevermind. Yeah ... I'm all for it.

Zaph

Brother trout, by now the musings of Pa trout are legendary, but what is the single best piece of advice he ever gave you?

We all know that beer and pork are man's two greatest inventions. As the most renowned scientist on this forum, what do you consider to be the third greatest?

Where do you stand on the thorny issue of men wearing aprons?

Finally, the question that has taxed great minds for centuries - It's a Saturday afternoon and you're relaxing in front of the latest gladiatorial combat/fresco/sculpture/portrait/wood carving/clock/radiogram/plasma tv. Hand down the front of your toga/breeches/pantaloons/knickerbockers/trousers - yes or no?

trout

Brother trout, by now the musings of Pa trout are legendary, but what is the single best piece of advice he ever gave you?

"Never trust a man, even though he be yore brother, if his hair and his beard, they differ in colour". That one has never let me down. *sniff*

We all know that beer and pork are man's two greatest inventions. As the most renowned scientist on this forum, what do you consider to be the third greatest?

Easy. Remote controls.

Where do you stand on the thorny issue of men wearing aprons?

Man ... apron Can't say I've ever thought about men and aprons all that much. Nope. Still ... whatever floats yore haberdashery boat.

Finally, the question that has taxed great minds for centuries - It's a Saturday afternoon and you're relaxing in front of the latest gladiatorial combat/fresco/sculpture/portrait/wood carving/clock/radiogram/plasma tv. Hand down the front of your toga/breeches/pantaloons/knickerbockers/trousers - yes or no?

It's almost always good to have a hand in yore undercrackers.

Splinter

Brother Trout,

If you could pick one place in the city of Dublin for "Yore Ma's" to be built and run, where would it be?

Is there a single Wimmin(s) in the world of famous people that you would want as head bar maid in said bar?

and lastly,

Chicken wrapped in ham or turkey wrapped in ham?

smashey

Young trout,

Sex or pork knuckle?

Where in the world would you like the BGRH crew to go for a week?

Finally, why are you so in awe of me? :cool:

Cathmandooo

Mr. trout

Ketchup or cheese?

What's your favourite forum on boards?

Which beers did you enjoy most?

Who would win in a fight? Tanya or Igor?

trout

If you could pick one place in the city of Dublin for "Yore Ma's" to be built and run, where would it be?

Anywhere in the D5 area overlooking Dub-a-lin Bay ... which as we all know is on the proper side of the city, and is +1 better than D4.

Is there a single Wimmin(s) in the world of famous people that you would want as head bar maid in said bar?

Alicia Witt, Kata Mara and Caithi O'Malley can do shifts during the week, and Eva Mendes will help out at the weekends. I've thought this one through ... :cool:

Chicken wrapped in ham or turkey wrapped in ham?

Yes. With cheese.

trout

Sex or pork knuckle?

sex + pork knuckle == post coital meat coma ... what a way to go

Where in the world would you like the BGRH crew to go for a week?

Back to Dusseldorf ... do a proper job this time

Finally, why are you so in awe of me?

Because you sumo so well. And it's not exactly awe ... I have indigestion.

trout

Ketchup or cheese?

Trick question. The answer is always cheese.

What's your favourite forum on boards?

Feedback

Which beers did you enjoy most?

The next one

Who would win in a fight? Tanya or Igor?

If it was a fair fight (a straightener) then Igor would be hard to beat, he'd just sew on some extra arms and that.

If there was an audience, then smashey or one of Tanya's admirers would step in and then things could get tasty. I think the Bravo channel should do a "Deadliest Warrior" scenario on this.

The Recliner

Brother trout

What are the contents of your ideal sandwich?

Which is better Rugby/Football/Soccer in what order and to watch and play?

What is your favourite beer?

What advice would you give to any of the young aspiring Brothers that may help them achieve Brotherhood?

trout

What are the contents of your ideal sandwich?

Another trick question. The answer is rashers. Alwys rashers. And cheese. Rashers and cheese.

Which is better Rugby/Football/Soccer in what order and to watch and play?

Rugby and sumo. The ultimate sport would be Sumo Rugby ... I'd clean up!

What is your favourite beer?

I like that Styrofoam stuff that Sister Zapherine speaks so highly of.

What advice would you give to any of the young aspiring Brothers that may help them achieve Brotherhood?

Interesting question, if somewhat academic. You can't really achieve something like that ... it sort of settles on you, slowly over time. You can try eating lots of pork knuckles ... it may not work, but at least you've gotten some good pork into you.

trout

Ummm ... how long do I have to stay in the cellar ?

I need to pee. Seriously. Me back teeth are floating.

Tom Dunne

trout wrote: »

Ummm ... how long do I have to stay in the cellar ?

I need to pee. Seriously. Me back teeth are floating.

Just another day or so.

Anyway, back to the questions.

So, real or fake?





































(Christmas tree, that is)

P.C.

trout wrote: »

Back to Dusseldorf ... do a proper job this time

1.) So, when are we going back to Dusseldorf?

2.) If you could enjoy beer and pork with anyone (alive or dead), who would it be?

3.) What was the last book you read?*

4.) If you could live anywhere in the world, where would it be, and why?*

















* This might be a trick question.

smashey

Tom Dunne wrote: »

Just another day or so.

[Admin conspiracy]Eh Tom, we could keep him in here until Christmas. Just for the hell of it.[/Admin conspiracy]

Tom Dunne

*Jedi wave*

There is no Admin conspiracy

*Jedi wave*

Why yes, yes we can.

DenMan

Ah Brother trout.....the living legend.

1) Describe your perfect Kebab to us please so we can all marvel in your tastes?

2) While dining together in the fabled Kebab Train over the summer we got into a heated debate over the gorgeous Summer Glau. She really is a princess isn't she?

3) With Christmas on the horizon will you be sipping brandy by any chance?

4) Is it important to down a few cold ones before getting stuck into pork, or can a Brother just eat it right there in front of him?

5) How was the class of wimmins in 2009? Did they meet with your approval?

trout

Tom Dunne wrote: »

So, real or fake?

Always real.

P.C. wrote: »

1.) So, when are we going back to Dusseldorf?

Not soon enough for my liking.

P.C. wrote: »

2.) If you could enjoy beer and pork with anyone (alive or dead), who would it be?

Depends on how long for ... if it was for the rest of my natural, it would have to be my best pal in this world, mrs trout.
If it was for one night only, I think it would have to be Brendan Behan.

P.C. wrote: »

3.) What was the last book you read?*

Yeah, I see yore trick question ... I have to confess, I didn't read TGC book .. I've been up to my tonsils with work, so the last book I read was some turgid, dry, lugubrious security related horse-sh1te. I will be catching up on my reading over Christmas, and I have saved two books for the festive season. One is TGC book, and the other is Anathem by Neal Stephenson.

P.C. wrote: »

4.) If you could live anywhere in the world, where would it be, and why?*

I like where I live ... so it would have to be where I am now. My family are here, and my pals are here too. That's why.

DenMan wrote: »

1) Describe your perfect Kebab to us please so we can all marvel in your tastes?

Ishkanders ... that is all.

DenMan wrote: »

2) While dining together in the fabled Kebab Train over the summer we got into a heated debate over the gorgeous Summer Glau. She really is a princess isn't she?

Meh. She's all right, but she's no Princess Grace.

DenMan wrote: »

3) With Christmas on the horizon will you be sipping brandy by any chance?

Nope. Hot port for me ... I do like brandy snaps though, and brandy butter.

DenMan wrote: »

4) Is it important to down a few cold ones before getting stuck into pork, or can a Brother just eat it right there in front of him?

You have to be careful here ... fatal contention can literally freeze the brain of a brother solid, if he is forced to choose between beer and pork. The only sane response is to devour everything, as it falls to hand. So, distance is the only deciding factor; who among us could choose one delight over another?

DenMan wrote: »

5) How was the class of wimmins in 2009? Did they meet with your approval?

Oh sure they're all Lovely Girls, one and all.

P.C.

P.C. wrote: »

1.) So, when are we going back to Dusseldorf?

trout wrote: »

Not soon enough for my liking.

Thanks for the replies.
I particularly like the one above, now

Are you going to start the thread on it, or should I?

trout

P.C. wrote: »

Are you going to start the thread on it, or should I?

You'll just have to do it yoreself ... I'm still stuck in the bloody cellar!

Sofiztikated

I'm a relative newcomer to here, but I have a question, if I may.

In the preparation of meat, and meat based snacks, who does it better, brothers or wimmenz?

trout

Sofiztikated wrote: »

I'm a relative newcomer to here, but I have a question, if I may.

In the preparation of meat, and meat based snacks, who does it better, brothers or wimmenz?

All popular stereotypes aside, we here in BGRH have found, through an egalitarian process of self governance, liberty and freedom of choice, have found the following to be true* ... no man (or woman) should be incapable of feeding themselves.

Having said that, we also hold the following truth to be self-evident; the tastiest meat based snack is one that is prepared to the highest standards**, and presented to you in a dignified and traditional manner for yore eating enjoyment.





*more often than not, and for a given value of true.

** not all that high actually

Sofiztikated

trout wrote: »

All popular stereotypes aside, we here in BGRH have found, through an egalitarian process of self governance, liberty and freedom of choice, have found the following to be true* ... no man (or woman) should be incapable of feeding themselves.

Having said that, we also hold the following truth to be self-evident; the tastiest meat based snack is one that is prepared to the highest standards**, and presented to you in a dignified and traditional manner for yore eating enjoyment.





*more often than not, and for a given value of true.

** not all that high actually

Right..........

Em, so........

Bloody big words and high faluting talk. You a polimatition?

trout

Sofiztikated wrote: »

You a polimatition?

No. A humble arsehole, that's me.

Here ... you don't fancy sittin' down here in the cellar for a while, do you ?

Sofiztikated

trout wrote: »

No. A humble arsehole, that's me.

Here ... you don't fancy sittin' down here in the cellar for a while, do you ?

Who, me? Em, no ta. I'm em, washing my hair?

trout

Sofiztikated wrote: »

Who, me? Em, no ta. I'm em, washing my hair?

No problem ... there's a bucket down here ... bit of a rinse, you'll be grand

*rattles bucket*

Sofiztikated

Ah HAH! Thats a cunning ruse.

If there was water in the bucket, it wouldn't rattle.

What is it, a bucket of nails? Or a bucket of lies!

o_O

trout

It is a bucket of mostly water. Mostly.

OldGoat

Ahh young Fingerling, your answers are proving entertaining and enlightening thus far. :rolleyes:

Yore stool at the bar is well polished by the seat of yore pants and floorboards are well scuffed from the nails of yore boots. The wimmins flock to satisfy yore needs and your beer glass is seldom allowed remain empty for long. Yore neich is well and truly carved here. Now, horror of horrors, nightmare of nightmares...where would you go if you were barred from Yore Ma's?

Oh and just for divilments sake, one more little question - which of the wimmins of the bar makes the best sammiches?

trout

OldGoat wrote: »

Now, horror of horrors, nightmare of nightmares...where would you go if you were barred from Yore Ma's?

Well ... the last time I was barred from here, I went to tLL, and made some new friends, if only for a short while.

OldGoat wrote: »

Oh and just for divilments sake, one more little question - which of the wimmins of the bar makes the best sammiches?

Well, they all make lovely sammiches ... I couldn't possibly choose between them.

trout

*looks up at the trap door*

I'm no celebrity ... Let me out of here!

LostinBlanch

You have to answer the questions correctly first.

1. Bacon, which type smokey, streaky or back rashers?
2. Pancetta, poncey or not?
3. What is the password?

trout

LostinBlanch wrote: »

You have to answer the questions correctly first.

1. Bacon, which type smokey, streaky or back rashers?
2. Pancetta, poncey or not?
3. What is the password?

• All of them, yes please.
• What is it ?
• A pint of Styrofoam, was it ?

LostinBlanch

1. Correctemundo
2. Eytie bacon bits (v small) -think bacon hundreds and thousands. Or very think strips think bacon string.
3. Not bad close enough. I reckon you've done enough to be let out.

*tries to open trapdoor* Oops it's locked.

Hang on I'll go and see if I can find a key.



After I have a pint. Us brothers have priorities you know.

Tom Dunne

Brother trout, as the Festive Season approaches, it is a time of family gatherings, good wishes and plenty of reasons to indulge in excessive consumption of alcohol.

I put it to you that in these recessionary times, people should be moving back towards a Christmas of more modest celebrations, less over-indulgence, and Christian Goodwill.

Or should people just stay perpetually trollied for the duration of the Christmas week to numb the pain of Auntie Ethel regaling everyone with her stories of how it was much worse in the 1950's?

trout

Tom Dunne wrote: »

Brother trout, blah blah blah blah blah, blah blah blah blah blah blah blah, blah blah, blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah alcohol.

Blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah, blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah, blah blah blah , blah blah blah.

Blah blah blah just stay perpetually trollied for the duration blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah?

I agree with this.

juke

Brother trout

BEER or PORK?

Both is not an acceptable answer.

trout

juke wrote: »

Both is not an acceptable answer.

Does not compute

ChewChew

Mister fishy!

Christmas pudding or my delicious rocky road?:D

trout

ChewChew wrote: »

Mister fishy!

Christmas pudding or my delicious rocky road?:D

I would devour the rocky road, and smear the christmas pudding all over my nekkid body, so I would.

Easy. :pac:

juke

trout wrote: »

Does not compute

:mad:

I'm conducting a very serious scientific survey :cool:

trout

juke wrote: »

:mad:

I'm conducting a very serious scientific survey :cool:

OK. I'm taking it seriously.

I've been thinking about this. With some beer, which helps me think.

I think, with beer,you have beer.
With pork, you have pork, and you can compress it to get pork juice ... which is not quite beer, but it's pretty good.

So, if there absolutely, positively had to be a hierarchy among pork and beer, then pork is ahead, albeit marginally.

*I feel dirty now*

juke

trout wrote: »

OK. I'm taking it seriously.

I've been thinking about this. With some beer, which helps me think.

I think, with beer,you have beer.
With pork, you have pork, and you can compress it to get pork juice ... which is not quite beer, but it's pretty good.

So, if there absolutely, positively had to be a hierarchy among pork and beer, then pork is ahead, albeit marginally.

Well, thinking about it seriously,

You have to take time factors into account.

For example - 10 am on a

Saturday After The Night Before

.... there is NOTHING better that a rasher sammich

However, 5.30 pm on a Friday there is NOTHING better than a pint or 4.

And Sunday lunch there is NOTHING better than slowcroast pork belly ...but it's even nicer served after 2-3 pints of Beer

I has teh confusions

trout wrote: »

*I feel dirty now*

Yore honesty has been tabulated for future generations.