Disapprove of a friend's plan

LegacyUser

Hi everyone,

I have a friend who I have known for 10 years. We're both guys in our mid thirties. He's not my closest friend but a friend nonetheless. He's had a lot of problems in his past (derpession, been on medication) but he's a good guy. He hasn't had much success at relationships with women.

Before I got to know him he once visited Thailand and used prostitutes there. I never wanted to know the details. For many reasons I believe this is a negative thing for him and also the prostitutes he has been with. Anyway that was in the past.. until recetnly, when he told me he is planning another holiday in Thailand.

I knew what this meant and I didn't ask him about it. One day we were talking and the subject came up. I avoided it, asking as little as possible and we moved off the subject. As we spoke more I thought to myself "why am I avoiding this subject. I will ask him how he views what he is going to do and let him know how i feel about it".

So we spoke and I told him I thought it was sleazy and to me seems like using people. He agreed it was sleazy to a degree but he feels he has no choice as he wants sex but has no relationship and is not likely to have one any time soon. That's it in a nutshell.

After our convesation I feel differently about my friend. He's not the closest friend I have but still...I don't know. I'm not sure how i feel.

I'm against prostitution generally and I strongly believe that westerners using Thai prostitutes is wrong. We in the west exploit (through unequal trade practices) poorer countries resulting in their people living at an economic disadvantage. The ultimate abuse is to then consume their women becasue we have an economic advantage that makes us look like millionaires compared to them. It's quite obscene when you think about it.

So back to my question; how would you react if your friend told you he was going to do this and you strongly believed it was morally wrong? Would you try to influence him not to do it? If so, how? Would you do nothing and continue the friendship as normal? Is that condoning his actions?

(BTW, I'd appreciate if any potential posters could stick to the subject and refrain from posting a debate about prostitution itself. Thanks).

Silverfish

I don't see how this affects you really.
Yes, it is sleazy, but it's also his business.

John Mason

I wouldnt react.

it is his business what he gets up to on holidays and nothing to do with you

Miss Fluff

It's not really any of your business. If it grates on you/upsets you, ask that he doesn't discuss it in your company (so for that reason you should probably avoid bringing it up if it's going to be contentious).

LegacyUser

Your feelings on the matter are totally irrelevant. Mind your own business.

Its very easy for those who can get relationships and sex to judge those who cant. Remember that and stop being so judgemental, if you've been lucky with women good for you but he hasn't and maybe instead of pondering the global injustice of the Thai sextrade ponder what its like not to ever feel a human touch unless you pay for it and have a bit of human kindness.

You have vastly overthought the whole thing and are coming from a very idealistic 'Ivory Tower' point of view. You are coming accross very prissy, sanctimonius and smug.

I am a woman. I have been to thailand and some of the sextrade disgusted me and some not. It seems to me the women have a choice and you are over-simplifying it, but anyway.

I think you should back off from judging this guy and keep your opinions to yourself.

I don't buy that you are concerned for the welfare of his soul either. You are just coming accross as a nosy parker. He's not even your best friend.

If its such a problem for you (lucky you if thats your worst problem btw) back off and leave the friendship to die a natural death.

nesbitt

If he does not foist any unwanted stories on you about his trip and is discreet than you should be able to make yourself switch off and not let it affect your friendship.

You have already let him know that using Thai prostitutes it is outside you own comfort zone, and it seems he respects your view, than meet him half way and live and let live etc.

Mind you as a friend I'm sure you have told him safe sex is a no brainer under any circumstances...

Taltos

I agree with the rest - BUTT OUT.

I too have a friend who took a similar journey a few years ago.
How did I hear? - his "best" friend announced it at on a night out in front of everyone...

Result:
We are all still mates with this friend.
"best friend" - he's been dropped by the lot of us as an untrustworthy moron.

This is not his issue - it's yours. Deal with it and let him live his life.

Emme

I agree that we in the West are exploiting poorer countries in many ways and prostitution isn't the only one. What about clothing and footwear that comes from sweatshop labour? Electrical goods?

Anyway, OP here's no point in moaning about what your friend does here. If you know some women who are looking to meet guys why not introduce them to your friend? One of them might hit it off with him. What he does in his private life is his business as long as he has safe sex and doesn't harm anyone. You may not agree with it and I don't either but the only thing you have a right to do is to tell him to have safe sex when he's over there.

stargirl01

Are you sure its women and not the ladyboy's he travels all the way to Thailand for.
Butt out, and leave him live his life, as it appears he's had enough of a hard time. Maybe he'll get lucky and marry one of them, and both parties will be happy, him with an endless supply of sex, and the prostitute getting a passport to the west.
Will your moral's be able to allow you befriend his wife?

davmol

Having been in thailand myself and seen it first hand I have no problem with it.I see it a mutually inclusive deal.Some thias live in deep poverty and their only means of making money is to prostitute themselves.It may not seem fair but life isnt fair!!
In some resorts there are peole selling things but this is common place and there is a saturation point to what people can do .Some have no education no qualifications so resort to sleeping with foreigners for cash.
If theres an old man who's very lonely and a very poor girl who is willing to give her companionship or herself then i dont see a problem.
Some of these men marry and provide for their wives and give them a life and things they could never have if it wasnt for the foreigner.

Yes its sleazy paying for sex but its been around since the dawn of time and people have and always will do it.

Ive never seen the point in paying for it but thats cos im in a long term relationship so never have had the need but for those who arent things are different.

Shelga

If you were approaching this from a different angle I might encourage you to delve deeper- i.e. why does your friend feel he has to go to prostitutes? Why has he given up on the idea of a relationship? Does he have low self-esteem? Could you perhaps encourage him in meeting new people and gradually become more outgoing?

As it is, you'd prefer to pontificate about the immorality of being/visiting a prostitute. :rolleyes: So I'd say to just leave it and keep your opinions to yourself.

herya

One of the main reasons why I could approve of (regulated) prostitution would be just this - there are lonely men who still need to have sex. What are they supposed to do, go raping dog walking girls in parks?

But perhaps it would be more fair, if your friend could choose another destination - like regulated European red light districts - with a better chance that the prostitutes went into it consciously if not willingly and were not sold as small children for paedophiles to rape and later for adult market punters to feed on. By seeking such services he would contribute to the market too - people are selling their children because punters are waiting for them, and your friend is one of them.

I'd have no issues discussing such a point with him.

username123

OP - who are you to force your moral judgements on someone else? What your friend does on a holiday to Thailand is his own business. You are just being judgemental and interfering - none of it is any of your business. If you dont agree with using Thai prostitutes - then dont use them. But dont try to force your morals on someone else.

If you were really worried about this guy you might go to the root of the problem and try to help him improve his self esteem so that he felt in the running for a 'normal' relationship in Ireland, instead of him feeling that he has no hope of a relationship anytime soon.