Friend?

LegacyUser

I don't know where to start..I'm 34 female and have a male friend of the same age, all very platonic and has been that way for over ten years. I knew initally he was interested in a relationship but I have never had any kind of romantic interest in him and he ended up becoming a fixture amongst friends and family.
During all this time he has never gone out and actively tried to meet anybody else and for most of the ten or so years we've known each other we've both been single..to a point. He knew I had a tendency to swing the other way and while I wasn't actively involved with other people I always felt safe in his company, I was unable to come out at the time so it was comforting to have someone where there was no pressure to be anything other than myself, but lately his company is becoming a hinderence to meeting people and he doesn't seem to want to take the hint.

I drew the line very clearly today and feel sort of bad about it but the truth is, I feel like I've been carrying him all these years. He doesn't have a huge circle of friends, he still lives at home with his parents..and he is obsessive to the point of ridicule about his beloved football team. (his bedroom is adorned with football junk, from the curtains to the wallpaper). and then can't understand why he's not meeting any women. he's basically a 34 year old virgin. Its at the stage now where I feel like I have to lower my IQ several points just to have a conversation with him.
I genuinely do believe he needs some kind of help. I think he has abondonment issues and seems to be hell bent on being a doormat for his (adoptive) mother for the rest of his life.
and she doesn't seem to have the sense enough to make him go out and get on with his.

Taltos

Not too clear on what is being asked for here.
Can you elaborate what your issue is or was this just a vent over what happened yesterday?

LegacyUser

maybe a rant but I don't think its "normal" behaviour for a man of his age to be the way he is. It was all ok when we were younger but now we're older, the lame toilet humour and idiotic childish behaviour is having an adverse affect on well..his ability to function in society. (and maybe my ability to continue in his company.) In some ways I feel responsible, as if I've acted as an enabler allowing him to journey on letting his friends and family think I'm his imaginary girlfriend but the reality is very different and I know that he's always going to be stuck like a bur until he goes out and finds someone himself.
I want to be able to help him help himself and I don't really know what to do anymore.

Taltos

Why do you feel this responsibility?

You have not led him on.
He has made his own choices.
But - by attempting to take on this responsibility then you are doing what you said you don't want to do - you are "enabling" his actions.

There comes a point in many friendships where you have a choice.
1. Accept the person for who they are - faults and all - and just be a friend
2. Don't accept the person - stay friends - and slowly go crazy until there is a huge blow up
3. End the friendship

You seem to have chosen 3. And with the anger you are carrying this is probably the right choice for you.

But you also need to accept:
He is not responsible for you not having a relationship
You are not responsible for him not having one.
You are not responsible for him being babied at home.

Being an "enabler" does not make you a puppet master, not does it take away self control.

So let all that anger out - then take some time for yourself to see what you want to do and who with. Maybe at some point you can be friends again - but right now your anger might be too raw.

LegacyUser

Thanks for hearing :tu:

Taltos

No problem - just hope I haven't offended you - seems par for the course this week.