On A Break?

LivinLife

My ex and I were together for 5 months and I can honestly say they were some of the best times I've ever had and I think he felt the same. He'd never loved anyone before and told me I was the first girl he had ever loved. However around 4 months into the relationship, I found out that he was going to be going away with all the lads for a holiday of boozing etc etc (I wont say where incase he reads this, but it is a lifetime opportunity where they're going). I was quite taken aback and didn't bring it up for a while, but I had this nagging feeling that he was going to cheat on me there. (I'm the kind of person who puts up a wall when it comes to relationships and finds it very hard to let that guard down. I didn't feel this because of anything he'd done to me, simply because of my own fear.)

So I told him how I felt, and understandably he was quite hurt by my comments and I apologised but said it was just how I was feeling. After I did this, things went a little downhill and I felt as if he didn't care about our relationship anymore at times, but then at other times he would tell me how much he loves me and the usual sweet-natured things he used to do. Well he is now away and before leaving, he said he felt that he needed a break from us to "think about things with our relationship" and that we will talk when he returns. (This is complete and utter bull**** as our relationship was always so easy, no thinking or planning just letting things happen and going with the flow and I concluded he did this just to "enjoy" his holiday more)

I was shocked and hurt by this. It is honestly one of the most shockingly patronising things I've ever been told in my life. How on earth he felt I couldn't see through is blatant lie is unbelievable. Every friend I've talked to so far (most of whom are friends with him and think highly of him) has told me to end things now, not to be taken for a ride etc etc. However I'm in too minds as to what to do when he comes home. I still have feelings for him obviously and if he actually does decide he wants me back, my heart is telling me to say yes and my head is saying no. I've spent hours thinking about this, cried myself to sleep and generally just doing absolutely necessary things to get by everyday.

I just need a bit of guidance and advice. What do you think I should do? And how should I react to him when he comes home?

SarahSassy

So does he want to be single while away on holidays?

Shin Bet

Well op you turnd around to a guy who loves you and told hin your feeling was he was going to cheat on you,
in all honosty what did you think he would do sure he can offer reasurances that he wont but no matter what happened you would be suspicious and that shows a lack of trust.
you need to get this "wall" thing out of your head
trust is built not earned in a relationship you both have to start out trusting each other not waiting for some mythical point where you can switch off your suspicion mode because that doesnt happen.

iceman777

From what I've just read, he wants his cake and to eat it too.
In short, you are on a break i.e. broken-up so he is free to do what he likes on his holiday.

When he comes back he may (and it looks likely) want to get back with you and will use the excuse that he was on a break if any stories are leaked out, which they will especially if you know his friends and there are some of them going on the holiday.

It is now up to you, do you want him back when he returns, but I think it is very unfair that he decided to go on a break before he left to go on holiday.

Only you know the answer as to what to do and to make the decision based on what your head tells you as opposed to your heart.

MissFlitworth

LivinLife wrote: »

he said he felt that he needed a break from us to "think about things with our relationship" and that we will talk when he returns. (This is complete and utter bull**** as our relationship was always so easy, no thinking or planning just letting things happen and going with the flow and I concluded he did this just to "enjoy" his holiday more)

Honestly, if you're the kind of person who worries about their boyfriend cheating on you on holidays without every having been given any reason for it and then tells your boyfriend that you're afraid he's going to cheat on you then your relationship *probably* isn't as easy going as you would like to think it is. He might actually need some time to think about the relationship away from you to see if he wants to be with someone who feels that way about him.

Just take some time to yourself, it sounds like you have your own issues you really have to deal with before you can be happy in a relationship. Then when he gets back you can both take it from there.

Terodil

LivinLife wrote: »

I had this nagging feeling that he was going to cheat on me there. [...] So I told him how I felt, and understandably he was quite hurt by my comments and I apologised but said it was just how I was feeling.

Ugh. You didn't take anything back, you just reinforced what you said ('ya I know it hurts you but I still think you're going to cheat on me'). What a sh*tty apology. You told him twice, unprompted apparently, that you thought he would not be faithful to you.

LivinLife wrote: »

After I did this, things went a little downhill and I felt as if he didn't care about our relationship anymore at times [...] he said he felt that he needed a break from us to "think about things with our relationship" and that we will talk when he returns. (This is complete and utter bull**** as our relationship was always so easy, no thinking or planning just letting things happen and going with the flow and I concluded he did this just to "enjoy" his holiday more)

I think you need a good helping of empathy. Of course he is hurt and needs to think about the relationship now that he knows that you do not trust him. It was easy, going with the flow etc. before you stabbed him with your suspicion. That easy-going time is past now, due to your mistrust. Calling his need to think about things 'bull****' shows that you are entirely self-centered and completely unable to walk in his shoes if only for a minute.

I'd need my space too after realising that.

LivinLife wrote: »

I was shocked and hurt by this. It is honestly one of the most shockingly patronising things I've ever been told in my life.

See above, I rest my case.

LivinLife wrote: »

How on earth he felt I couldn't see through is blatant lie is unbelievable. Every friend I've talked to so far (most of whom are friends with him and think highly of him) has told me to end things now, not to be taken for a ride etc etc.

I think that might be best for both your sakes if that's how you look at things. You have made a mistake, he has not. He has been very loving towards you, told you you were his one and only, and yet you throw that mistrust in his face and worse, apologise (for nothing) and still maintain it.

Unless you are willing to take a step back and look at how he feels, this relationship has no chance.

If you want to make it work, you need to let him come back and see how he feels (i.e. welcome him home and then *listen* to him). Be ready to apologise (sincerely this time) and drop that wall in your head. Completely.

Miss Fluff

LivinLife wrote: »

He'd never loved anyone before and told me I was the first girl he had ever loved. However around 4 months into the relationship, I found out that he was going to be going away with all the lads for a holiday of boozing etc etc (I wont say where incase he reads this, but it is a lifetime opportunity where they're going). I was quite taken aback and didn't bring it up for a while, but I had this nagging feeling that he was going to cheat on me there.

You were quite taken aback? About what? About him going away with his mates? You were going out with him four months, you are "taken aback" that he wants to go on a holiday with his friends and then you turn around and say you think he is going to cheat on you? Your relationship doesn't sound "go with the flow" at all as you put it. Not being harsh but I'm not surprised he wants to take a break.

ManOfMystery

TBH I think both parties are in the wrong here.

The OP being 'taken aback' simply because her partner of only 4 months is going on a lad's holiday is a bit of an overreaction. Lots of guys do it, what's the deal? You may have insecurities for whatever reason but being only 4 months into a relationship, it's a bit early to be projecting these onto your other half. To be fair I'm not surprised he reacted how he did.

However, I think his part in this is worse. A relationship is not a like a switch you can turn on and off when it suits. He's being very disrespectful by breaking up with you shortly before going on a lad's holiday, and in some way this verifies what you initially feared. As you say, it's a very blatant lie and he's engineering the situation to suit him. No doubt he will come back from holiday with a clear head and wanting to get back to things with you - and a few weeks down the line you'll probably hear that something happened with other girls, but it was during your 'break'.

Also, if he did go on this break with the best of intentions, his timing leaves a lot to be desired. Breaking up with anyone shortly before you disappear on a holiday is really a bit selfish IMO.

LivinLife

Thank you to everyone so far for the comments. I do realised I hadn't been the best girlfriend during this whole situation and I sincerely thank you for your honest words and am trying to work on my issues!

Miss Fluff wrote: »

You were quite taken aback? About what? About him going away with his mates?

I didn't put details etc into the OP, but when I found out about the holidays it had already been booked etc about a week before hand, hence why I was taken aback, as I was shocked he hadn't told me previously that he was going away as we talk to each other everyday and I would have thought he might have mentioned it. Of course I understand him wanting to go away and tbh I understand him wanting a break from me. At times I don't think I could even put up with myself but I'm going to really try when he comes back I think!

MissFlitworth wrote: »

Honestly, if you're the kind of person who worries about their boyfriend cheating on you on holidays without every having been given any reason for it and then tells your boyfriend that you're afraid he's going to cheat on you then your relationship *probably* isn't as easy going as you would like to think it is. He might actually need some time to think about the relationship away from you to see if he wants to be with someone who feels that way about him.

Just take some time to yourself, it sounds like you have your own issues you really have to deal with before you can be happy in a relationship. Then when he gets back you can both take it from there.

When he told me, obviously he was happy and I was for him, but he kept going on and on about how wild it would be etc which didn't put alot of confidence in me about the trip.

From reading the above posts, I know I have a lot to work on myself. When he comes back should I wait for him to contact me or should I text him as a friend asking about the holiday etc to try and show him that I understand his thoughts/feelings and am sorry about how I reacted?? We are both in the wrong I understand that, and from the above posts it appears that I am more so than he is. I know it would take a lot to get back to where we were and I hope he is willing to give me another chance because I miss him so much. It honestly feels as if I've lost a best friend and there's an empty void inside me...

ManOfMystery

OP, I had assumed your bf's holiday was booked before you two got together - I didn't realise it was only a week or so before you found out. I agree that it is strange he didn't see fit to tell his girlfriend he was going away on a lads holiday as soon as he booked it, it's not like forgetting to grab a pint of milk on the way home.

Kimia

ManOfMystery wrote: »

No doubt he will come back from holiday with a clear head and wanting to get back to things with you - and a few weeks down the line you'll probably hear that something happened with other girls, but it was during your 'break'.

Breaking up with anyone shortly before you disappear on a holiday is really a bit selfish IMO.

Totally agree with this. Perhaps you were right to suspect him. Really don't like the sound of this. I mean come on, what kind of thinking is he going to be doing while away on a wild holiday with his mates?

I think what happened is you were getting along fine, then yuo come out with this bombshell saying you don't trust him, he gets p*ssed off (and rightly so), has a think, says, 'she thinks i'm going to cheat anyway' and then says 'i'm not going to think about it on holiday we'll take a break until i'm back' and there you have it.

Bad move on your part OP, what were you thinking to tell him you think he's going to cheat!!!? But also it appears that he's hedging his bets now because he doesn't know whether he wants to be with you and will not be faithful on holidays (and was honest with you about that).

I dunno. Yer both wrong. if you want to be with him after that maybe text him when he comes back but don't be surprised if he's been with other women on hols. Nothing you can do now but wait.

LivinLife

Kimia wrote: »

I think what happened is you were getting along fine, then yuo come out with this bombshell saying you don't trust him, he gets p*ssed off (and rightly so), has a think, says, 'she thinks i'm going to cheat anyway' and then says 'i'm not going to think about it on holiday we'll take a break until i'm back' and there you have it.

Ha you actually took the words out of his mouth I've realised that the reason why I told him how I was feeling was because I was so scared to lose him and thought telling him might reassure me but with hindsight what the f*ck was I thinking?! I guess that's what love does to you sometimes! And I've ended up losing him anyway

Kimia

Don't feel bad, we all do it sometimes and sure how can we learn from our mistakes unless we make them in the first place!

Talk to him when he gets home, but again he's no angel now, he's used whatever leeway he had by asking to go on a break before a lad's holiday. :rolleyes:

LivinLife

Kimia wrote: »

Don't feel bad, we all do it sometimes and sure how can we learn from our mistakes unless we make them in the first place!

Talk to him when he gets home, but again he's no angel now, he's used whatever leeway he had by asking to go on a break before a lad's holiday. :rolleyes:

Thanks you're right. I most certainly won't be handling future situations the same way :P Truth be told I thought about telling him that he could do what he wished whilst away not because I don't love him or anything, but that way I knew he wouldn't be lying to me when he came home (again trust issues I know!)) and I honestly just want him to be happy and have an enjoyable holiday but he was the one who shot down that idea.

Kimia

You really do need to work on that trust thing, and your self-esteem too. What makes you think he would want to cheat on you? Why is it a done deal? Have some confidence in yourself! Don't be putting yourself down because you're just creating a self-fulfilling prophecy - be strong.

LivinLife

Kimia wrote: »

You really do need to work on that trust thing, and your self-esteem too. What makes you think he would want to cheat on you? Why is it a done deal? Have some confidence in yourself! Don't be putting yourself down because you're just creating a self-fulfilling prophecy - be strong.

I've been through a lot in my life. I know everyone has but I've had family situations etc that were the first for the record books to put it lightly and I think that's where my lack of trust comes from. People who should have been there for me in my life were not e.g family members who most people would trust with their lives. I've also been cheated on before, the most recent being when I went on a holiday and my boyfriend was unfaithful during the time I was away. I feel bad for burdoning this on my ex, but the situations above have all happened in the last 3 years so are still very much fresh in my mind.