I cant get over it (bedroom troubles)

LegacyUser

I have a problem and its really hurting me, I am with a fantastic girl and I plan to spend the rest of my life with her. She is perfect in every way and she feels the same way towards me as I feel towards her. The catch however is this, she is sick she has been since I met her and its ok i love her and am prepared to take care of her its not likely she will ever get better (it has to do with headaches I am not going into details) the problem I have is that physically the relationship isnt fantastic I have been feeling pretty neglected lately and I feel worse for feeling bad about it in the first place. we have sex maybe once a week if I am lucky but its pretty planned and mostly the same thing. We used to be pretty hot for each other I could take her mind off the pain and it would be amazing I made the sex very much about her but now... well I guess I want to be able to spontaneously make love but I cannot get her in the mood any time except on our "planned" days if they happen (always once a week never more) its always on her time.

Am I selfish for feeling this way? I feel terrible no matter what angle I look at it, I feel bad like the relationship isnt physically compatible and I feel horrible for thinking of myself when she is unwell. I have considered giving up and seeing if she instigates it for us randomly some time but I already know that if I dont try and start things when we are alone they wont happen. And lately it certainly has not been happening no matter what I try.

I feel that I cannot tell her of my pain because mine is emotional and hers is physical, which is kinda mixed up considering my problem is also physical I am unsatisfied, god I must sound schizophrenic right about now but if anyone can make sense out of this short novel I have written please help me I am secretly hurting and it is tearing me apart.

How Soon Is Now

Seriously right i dunno maybe your a nice guy maybe your not but this is starting to bother me.

Im a fella ok yes we all get turned on bla bla bla and so forth but why is there so many men out there who make such huge deal out of not having sex for a few days or weeks its not end ****ing world.

Your making us all look like machines who only give ****e bout gettin sex at end day no matter what. I mean if your girlfriend is sick is that not enough to make you think mmm maybe just leave things for awhile and see how i can make this easyer for us in other ways.

I mean i love sex as much as anyone else and it can be an important part of a relationship but jesus its not the most important part if u need something that bad use bloody hand.

If you care that much bout her you will leave her alone to over come this in her own time just be her fella and look after her like your meant to u aint gonna dry up 2morrw like can have sex anytime maybe now u need to just look after someone elses feelings for once.

shellyboo

Well, she's sick, so sex isn't going to be forefront of her mind at all times. However - you say you're still having sex once a week? That's not bad, dude. That's pretty good in a long term relationship with someone who's in pain.

How often would be ideal for you? Do you think you could talk to her about it and compromise?

At the end of the day, it may be simple sexual incompatibilty. You need to decide how important sex is to you - is it a dealbreaker?

LegacyUser

angerfist2009 wrote: »

Seriously right i dunno maybe your a nice guy maybe your not but this is starting to bother me.

Im a fella ok yes we all get turned on bla bla bla and so forth but why is there so many men out there who make such huge deal out of not having sex for a few days or weeks its not end ****ing world.

Your making us all look like machines who only give ****e bout gettin sex at end day no matter what. I mean if your girlfriend is sick is that not enough to make you think mmm maybe just leave things for awhile and see how i can make this easyer for us in other ways.

I mean i love sex as much as anyone else and it can be an important part of a relationship but jesus its not the most important part if u need something that bad use bloody hand.

If you care that much bout her you will leave her alone to over come this in her own time just be her fella and look after her like your meant to u aint gonna dry up 2morrw like can have sex anytime maybe now u need to just look after someone elses feelings for once.

You dont understand, it has been like this for 18months now, I am just feeling a bit neglected and <Snip>. I am not sterotypical I have been looking after her feelings and that is why I cant talk to her about it without becoming a jerk.

miec

Hi Op

I can empathise because you are caught between two difficult positions. You love your partner, you want to spend the rest of your life together but due to her health issues sex is a lot less than you would like. It also sounds very controlled.

The thing is, reading from your post, that you both had more sex at the early stages. Now most couples experience this and then it dips. You state that her condition is chronic and likely to last probably a lifetime, the thing is you have to accept this if you want to stay with her, but then how do you reconcile your needs as well because your needs are valid too.

First of all you have to talk to her about this, gently and lovingly, tell her what she means to you, but explain to her how you feel frustrated sexually. It does not make you a bad person, and repressing it or hiding it does not work, it will come out elsewhere. You cannot order your sex drive to go away because it won't. You do not need to feel guilty or selfish but you do have to ask yourself can you live with this for the rest of your life if you marry her.

We used to be pretty hot for each other I could take her mind off the pain and it would be amazing I made the sex very much about her but now... well I guess I want to be able to spontaneously make love but I cannot get her in the mood any time except on our "planned" days if they happen (always once a week never more) its always on her time.

Did your girlfriend plan the sex days? Why can she have sex that day and not outside of it. Does she do sex to please you? When I read the above statement it read like to me that you put a huge emphasis into getting her into the mood, pleasing her, does she ever sexually please you? Is she affectionate or intimate outside of sex. Does she caress your body, or give oral (whatever you like) or a massage?

Would your girlfriend be willing to do this? Do you have any say when the sex happens? Is there a possibility that you feel controlled, unloved or ignored? Words are one thing but it is action that counts, do her words and actions match up? Good luck Op, I hope you find a solution.

LegacyUser

shellyboo wrote: »

Well, she's sick, so sex isn't going to be forefront of her mind at all times. However - you say you're still having sex once a week? That's not bad, dude. That's pretty good in a long term relationship with someone who's in pain.

How often would be ideal for you? Do you think you could talk to her about it and compromise?

At the end of the day, it may be simple sexual incompatibilty. You need to decide how important sex is to you - is it a dealbreaker?

You are right. It isnt a deal breaker I guess being rejected every single time has taken its toll on me. She is worth it, sex is very important in a relationship I believe I just dont want it to be the same thing like it has been, I dont want it so planned if you get what I mean. But alas no matter what I am still the jerk in this situauion

miec

Seriously right i dunno maybe your a nice guy maybe your not but this is starting to bother me.

Im a fella ok yes we all get turned on bla bla bla and so forth but why is there so many men out there who make such huge deal out of not having sex for a few days or weeks its not end ****ing world.

Your making us all look like machines who only give ****e bout gettin sex at end day no matter what. I mean if your girlfriend is sick is that not enough to make you think mmm maybe just leave things for awhile and see how i can make this easyer for us in other ways.

I mean i love sex as much as anyone else and it can be an important part of a relationship but jesus its not the most important part if u need something that bad use bloody hand.

If you care that much bout her you will leave her alone to over come this in her own time just be her fella and look after her like your meant to u aint gonna dry up 2morrw like can have sex anytime maybe now u need to just look after someone elses feelings for once.

Your response is not very helpful, he is not making out that all men are like machines. The OP is very aware his girlfriend is sick and its not just for a few days but a lifetime, and **** is not the issue, he wants to be intimate with his girlfriend and right now he is trying to find a way to get a balance, telling him he shouldn't feel that way is counterproductive. He does feel that way.

miec

But alas no matter what I am still the jerk in this situauion

I don't think you are.

opinion guy

Ok my instant reaction to threads like this is: did you tell her this ? And I see that you didn't. But really I think the most important thing to do is to find a way to bring up the topic. Its something you need to talk to her about. You might just find that you guys can find a new way to enjoy each other if ye talk about it. Just don't say something stupid like 'the sex is crap love'.

angerfist2009 wrote: »

.......maybe just leave things for awhile and see how i can make this easyer for us in other ways.
.........
If you care that much bout her you will leave her alone to over come this in her own time...

Angerfist2009 (apt name apparently) ever heard the expression attack the post not the poster ? Anyhow, the quotes above tell me that you didn't read or didn't get the OP's issue or you don't know much about chronic illness - this isn't going away "in a while", this is one of those forever things. The OP is considering this on a long term basis and if you take the time to reread his post you will see that he is also concerned about the sex being good for her. I think he's being pretty considerate and trying to find new ways to see the problem cause he cares about her

How Soon Is Now

secretlyhurting wrote: »

You dont understand, it has been like this for 18months now, I am just feeling a bit neglected and <Snip>. I am not sterotypical I have been looking after her feelings and that is why I cant talk to her about it without becoming a jerk.

Your gettin it once a week so you said what the hell is wrong with once a week like? Is that not good enough seriously i dont understand how some people feel need to get all up in a huff over not being able to have sex non stop. Your going on like your being deprived of it gettin nothin at all like.

Anyway if you love someone that much sex none stop is not anyway important bottom line is you are still having sex with this women even though she is in pain and still trying to please you what more do you want like ??

shellyboo

secretlyhurting wrote: »

You are right. It isnt a deal breaker I guess being rejected every single time has taken its toll on me. She is worth it, sex is very important in a relationship I believe I just dont want it to be the same thing like it has been, I dont want it so planned if you get what I mean. But alas no matter what I am still the jerk in this situauion

Less of the self-pity would be a start, OP. No point being a martyr about it. Face facts - this is the situation. Sex once a week isn't *really* that bad, really. It's not ideal, I'd be frustrated too, and rejection really is not nice at all... but you're choosing to put up with it. Nobody's making you do that.

You can talk to her, and try to come to some compromise about making sex more frequent - but that may not be possible because of her illness. So, decide - stay and accept the fact that your sex life is not going to be 100% what you want, or go. In a case like this where illness is a factor, there's not much else you can do, unfortunately.

How Soon Is Now

miec wrote: »

Your response is not very helpful, he is not making out that all men are like machines. The OP is very aware his girlfriend is sick and its not just for a few days but a lifetime, and **** is not the issue, he wants to be intimate with his girlfriend and right now he is trying to find a way to get a balance, telling him he shouldn't feel that way is counterproductive. He does feel that way.

Ya god help poor fella only gettin once a week if hes lucky. Theres more then likely relationships all over country were they dont get anything from each other in this way like i said before if shes that sick and she is already trying to please him whatever way she can and he loves her that much once a feckin week is surely good enough.

How Soon Is Now

opinion guy wrote: »

Ok my instant reaction to threads like this is: did you tell her this ? And I see that you didn't. But really I think the most important thing to do is to find a way to bring up the topic. Its something you need to talk to her about. You might just find that you guys can find a new way to enjoy each other if ye talk about it. Just don't say something stupid like 'the sex is crap love'.




Angerfist2009 (apt name apparently) ever heard the expression attack the post not the poster ? Anyhow, the quotes above tell me that you didn't read or didn't get the OP's issue or you don't know much about chronic illness - this isn't going away "in a while", this is one of those forever things. The OP is considering this on a long term basis and if you take the time to reread his post you will see that he is also concerned about the sex being good for her. I think he's being pretty considerate and trying to find new ways to see the problem cause he cares about her

I read his post and i understand what he said what i said was let the women try and deal with things in her own way for a while if he loves her that much whatever she can give him that she is comfortable with should be enough. No one is making him stay in this relationship but himself if he cant live with it move along.

Wibbs

angerfist2009 lets try and dial it back a tad. Yes I understand, it is an emotive subject, but being understanding leads to a better kind of advice. People will listen more for a start.

How Soon Is Now

Right lol
This thread aint about me anyway so enjoy

daisybelle2008

OP, there does tend to be other factors for reduction in sex. You say she is ill with headaches but you do not want to go into details. There may be something significant there or maybe not. Are these stress related (i.e phsychological)? I am not trying to diagonose what is wrong with her but I am getting the feeling that there is something vague and indeterminate about it and that your s*x life has dwindled significantly from the earlier days. Apologies if I am reading the situation incorrectly.

Lollipops23

OP plenty of couples(especially if they aren't living together) have to "schedule" sex; it's a fact of busy everday life. And plenty of couples (again particularly those living apart) don't get it more than once a week. Couples in longterm relationships don't tend to jump eachother's bones every time they get together!

I think you're expecting a little much from your OH to be honest with you. She's struggling with what sounds like a debilitating condition and can't be expected to be "up for it" all the time. Once a week sounds pretty effing good from here!!

If this is something you feel you really can't get over, it doesn't make you a bad guy. You may want to question whether this is something you could cope with in the longterm.

Lady Davenport

secretlyhurting wrote: »

I have a problem and its really hurting me, I am with a fantastic girl and I plan to spend the rest of my life with her. She is perfect in every way and she feels the same way towards me as I feel towards her. The catch however is this, she is sick she has been since I met her and its ok i love her and am prepared to take care of her its not likely she will ever get better (it has to do with headaches I am not going into details) the problem I have is that physically the relationship isnt fantastic I have been feeling pretty neglected lately and I feel worse for feeling bad about it in the first place. we have sex maybe once a week if I am lucky but its pretty planned and mostly the same thing. We used to be pretty hot for each other I could take her mind off the pain and it would be amazing I made the sex very much about her but now... well I guess I want to be able to spontaneously make love but I cannot get her in the mood any time except on our "planned" days if they happen (always once a week never more) its always on her time.

Am I selfish for feeling this way? I feel terrible no matter what angle I look at it, I feel bad like the relationship isnt physically compatible and I feel horrible for thinking of myself when she is unwell. I have considered giving up and seeing if she instigates it for us randomly some time but I already know that if I dont try and start things when we are alone they wont happen. And lately it certainly has not been happening no matter what I try.

I feel that I cannot tell her of my pain because mine is emotional and hers is physical, which is kinda mixed up considering my problem is also physical I am unsatisfied, god I must sound schizophrenic right about now but if anyone can make sense out of this short novel I have written please help me I am secretly hurting and it is tearing me apart.

You seem to feel selfish for even thinking this, but you aren't. It's healthy to want to show your love to somebody physically. This isn't just difficult for you, it probably is for her too. Have you had a chat with her about it? I'm not for one minute suggesting that you should ask her for more sex, be careful how you word it of course. Tell her you love her, and not being able to show her physically has been difficult for you. Back this up by telling her it changes nothing and you love her unconditionally. This is a very sensitive one, and I can understand why you are upset about it. Your girlfriend might be unwell, but it doesn't mean you should stop communicating as a couple.

CDfm

I think you should think about moving on. There is more to this tan sex and its sounds like her illness is keeping her from being emotionally available for a relationship.

Not good.

Smallbit

CDfm wrote: »

I think you should think about moving on. There is more to this tan sex and its sounds like her illness is keeping her from being emotionally available for a relationship.

Not good.

+1 OP, you need to be decide whether the relationship is meeting your own needs too. Being a carer for a sick person is hard enough without trying to enjoy a relationship at the same time.

You're not a jerk to want a normal two-way relationship that works for both of you, and by the sounds of it, things are not going to improve.

You don't give any detail as to her condition, but unless you deal with the likely outcome and assess whether you can live with it long-term, then it might be time for some difficult decisions.

LegacyUser

I agree with cdfm and smallbit. Love should always be unconditional. This relationship seems to be getting like hard work for you.

LegacyUser

Well I got the courage up to talk to her about it, as you all can tell its a very tough situation and yes it is a lot of hard work. She told me that she feels horrible that she cant satisfy me and that its unfair on me. But we talked it over and now things are ok. I dont know if later on I will be in the same situation but I am willing to try, despite her health she is a angel and all I could ever need. I have done some soul searching and its not actually the amount of times we do it, its how planned it is, it never just happens. But we have talked about it and I think things are going to be ok. Thanks for your advice, some of you were counter-productive but a lot of your answers really helped.

How Soon Is Now

secretlyhurting wrote: »

Well I got the courage up to talk to her about it, as you all can tell its a very tough situation and yes it is a lot of hard work. She told me that she feels horrible that she cant satisfy me and that its unfair on me. But we talked it over and now things are ok. I dont know if later on I will be in the same situation but I am willing to try, despite her health she is a angel and all I could ever need. I have done some soul searching and its not actually the amount of times we do it, its how planned it is, it never just happens. But we have talked about it and I think things are going to be ok. Thanks for your advice, some of you were counter-productive but a lot of your answers really helped.

And now the world is a happy place really glad u sorted it