anyone been in a similar situation?

LegacyUser

i found out this morning that im pregnant. iv only just turned 18, both me and the father live at home and our parents have warned us they dont want grandchildren any day soon. Im freaking out because i havent fully decided what i want, my boyfriend is 100% certain hes not ready for a kid and wants me to kind of do a self abortion type thing by drinking alot of vodka as he heard this would probably do the job. im worried though because iv heard that drinking doesnt always get rid of a baby but instead harms it and although im not ready for a child either as im in college and im in no way financially stable enough to care for a baby i always told myself id never ever have an abortion and i dont really want to. i suppose what im asking is whats the best thing to do in my situation because im so confused and cant even think straight?

Nevyn

Firstly my utmost sympathies it's a horrible place to be in.

Drinking will not cause a miscarriage all it will do is up the chances of fetal alchol syndrome, doing anything to try and cause a miscarriage is illegal.

As for trying to sort your head out I suggest you get professional help and support for what ever choice you make. Crises pregnancy counseling is free and you can make an appointment and find out what you options are and what supports there are for you.

http://www.positiveoptions.ie/

Your parents will get over their disappointment, your pregnant its not like you have cancer or have become a junkie prostitute.

If ending the pregnancy is not an option for you there is still the option of adoption or interim foster care while you sort yourself out, there is more then just having/ not having the pregnancy continue.

I hope that your bf and family come true for you on this, but you're not the first 18 year old to find herself pregnant and you wont be the last, I know your scared but get yourself an appointment to get your head and heart sorted.

Nevyn

http://www.positiveoptions.ie/counselling/

Counselling Can Help

This website is designed to help you find a counselling service that will support you in dealing with a crisis pregnancy.
Why go for Crisis Pregnancy Counselling?

There are many conflicting and strong feelings around a crisis pregnancy – taking the time you need to look at your issues and thoughts calmly can help you to make the best decision you can, at the time of the crisis. It can help to talk to someone who is not personally involved, and who can help you to find the answers to your questions.

The counsellor’s training and skills will enable them to help you to explore your feelings about the pregnancy. You can discuss how you feel about the pregnancy, parenting or having the baby adopted. If you wish they will create an opportunity for you to explore terminating the pregnancy. They will facilitate and support you to reach your own best decision. The counsellor does not judge or decide for you.

The counselling session is free of charge and you can attend for as many sessions as you feel you need.

A counselling session will give you:

* Time and space to work through your feelings about the pregnancy.
* Support in dealing with the shock and distress you may be feeling so that you can move on from the crisis.
* The opportunity to discuss your choices – Parenting, adoption and if requested, abortion.
* Help in telling your partner, friends and family if you need it.
* Practical information on your rights and entitlements, and the supports available if you’re in education or if you're working.
* Referral to other helpful services such as GPs, medical services, supported accommodation services or specialist adoption agencies if you wish.

The counselling services listed on the Positive Options website offer crisis pregnancy counselling that is:

* Free – there is no cost to you.
* Non-judgmental – the counsellors are there to help, not to judge.
* Non-directive – counselling is designed to support you and give you truthful information to help you make the decision that is best for you, without trying to influence you.
* Confidential – what is said in a counselling session is confidential.*
* Specialised – counsellors are trained to help their clients and have experience in dealing with all kinds of issues relating to crisis pregnancy.

Anna Molly

Oh shizzle.
I know this might look like a grim situation, but it's not the end of the world.
It could be the best thing that ever happened to you.

I'd go with the advice of the previous poster and talk to crisis pregnancy.
Take time to think about what you want,
don't rush into it.
Obviously, if you're going to have an abortion you need to do it before a certain point but...ya catch my drift.
Please do not do the whole alcohol thing. If the baby survived and you then decide to keep it, it will have a host of problems.

Have you considered doing a Juno on it? Having the baby and giving it up for adoption?
Just pointing the options out to you.

Personally, I'm anti-abortion, so my opinion here is somewhat biased.

Your parents will be a wee disappointed,
but at the end of the day its because they probably want you to go to college, travel and do all the usual things that teenagers do. You can still do these things, maybe they'll just be put on hold.
All I have to say is it's not all doom and gloom.
Best of luck. I hope you make the right decision for you, and the wee one.
Also, you're the one who will have to live with the decision you make, be it aborting or carrying a child, your boyfriend's opinion is important but it is down to you at the end of the day.

ash23

I was 19 when I found out I was pregnant and I was devestated.

I considered abortion and had pretty much decided on abortion but changed my mind for reasons that are long and complicated.

I had my daughter who is now almost 7.

I'm not going to tell you what to do as obviously you are the only one who can make the decision. I am pro choice though. I made my choice with no pressure from anyone and I firmly believe every woman should be able to do the same.

You need some time to think about things.

Don''t even consider trying to self abort. It is dangerous.
Would your parents be the type to support you in your choice (whtever it may be) or would they try to influence you? Have you anyone you can talk to who wouldn't be biased and would just listen while you sort out what you want in your own mind (a friend, aunt, sister?)


If you need to ask me anything, feel free.

we'llallhavetea_old

hi op,

i know what you're going through is hell at the minute.

just slow down, relax and think about it.

you said you never wanted to have an abortion, don't do it because a scared young boy told you to.

you're parents will freak, yes, but they will get over it. jesus if my dad did, yours will too!

i found out i was pregnant just before i turned 19, freaked out, then realised i was going to have the baby.

you will know what to do, just calm down.

my daughter is 5 now, she's the best thing that ever happened to me, i'm a lone parent, it can be done alone!

good luck op xxxx

LegacyUser

If you don't want it don't have it-most women are relieved after a termination and who wants to be tied down with a kid at 19-more than likely himself won't stay around.

If you're still at the early stage you can have a medical abortion thats no more painful than a heavy period.

Dont let the pro-life crowd put you off-they wont be raising it for you when you're on your own and things are tough.

we'llallhavetea_old

confused... wrote: »

i found out this morning that im pregnant. iv only just turned 18, both me and the father live at home and our parents have warned us they dont want grandchildren any day soon. Im freaking out because i havent fully decided what i want, my boyfriend is 100% certain hes not ready for a kid and wants me to kind of do a self abortion type thing by drinking alot of vodka as he heard this would probably do the job. im worried though because iv heard that drinking doesnt always get rid of a baby but instead harms it and although im not ready for a child either as im in college and im in no way financially stable enough to care for a baby i always told myself id never ever have an abortion and i dont really want to. i suppose what im asking is whats the best thing to do in my situation because im so confused and cant even think straight?

dowhatsright wrote: »

If you don't want it don't have it-most women are relieved after a termination and who wants to be tied down with a kid at 19-more than likely himself won't stay around.

If you're still at the early stage you can have a medical abortion thats no more painful than a heavy period.

Dont let the pro-life crowd put you off-they wont be raising it for you when you're on your own and things are tough.

she says she doesn't want to have an abortion.

opinion guy

dowhatsright wrote: »

most women are relieved after a termination

Evidence for this statement ?


OP I'm sorry for the difficult situation you are in. I think at then end of the day with this one you have to follow your own conscience. DO NOT drink vodka - it won't cause an abortion and may only harm the babie's development or even harm you (people do die from alcohol poisoning).
DO listen to Thaedydal she gives great advice above and DO speak with an unbiased crisis pregnancy councillor. Don't try and deal with it all on your own pet it will only be overwhelming

Danniboo

dowhatsright wrote: »

If you don't want it don't have it-most women are relieved after a termination and who wants to be tied down with a kid at 19-more than likely himself won't stay around.

If you're still at the early stage you can have a medical abortion thats no more painful than a heavy period.

Dont let the pro-life crowd put you off-they wont be raising it for you when you're on your own and things are tough.

While I appreciate it is the OP's decisions. Us so called "pro-life" crowd are every bit as entitled to the "pro-choice" crowd if that's how you so like to label it. Just because your pro abortion doesn't mean you're right or more entitled to have an opinion. You obviously never went through the agony of being told there's a good chance you might not be able to have children.

ash23

Danniboo wrote: »

While I appreciate it is the OP's decisions. Us so called "pro-life" crowd are every bit as entitled to the "pro-choice" crowd if that's how you so like to label it. Just because your pro abortion doesn't mean you're right or more entitled to have an opinion. You obviously never went through the agony of being told there's a good chance you might not be able to have children.

Guys, this isn't about pro life or pro choice. It's about a young girl asking if anyone has ever found themselves in the same position.

OP, seriously, there are one or two of us who have been where you are now. If you have any concerns about anything post here and we will be able to give you some idea of what you would experience as a young parent in terms of financial help, help with continuing in college, what it's like to bring up a child, the difficulties in choosing what the best thing for you will be and how difficult it can be to make those choices.
You only found out this morning. i remember when I found out. I was sick, shocked, upset, distraught, confused....

You need to take some time to wrap your head around this.
My daughters father wanted an abortion. i ended up asking him to leave me alone in order to give me space to make my choice on my own. I didn't want to be influenced either way.
I hope you have somebody you can talk to who will just listen and not influence or judge.

Danniboo

ash23 wrote: »

Guys, this isn't about pro life or pro choice. It's about a young girl asking if anyone has ever found themselves in the same position.
quote]


Why you quoting me it wasn't me that brought it up?

ash23

Danniboo wrote: »

Why you quoting me it wasn't me that brought it up?

Apologies, I didn't mean it personally. I was merely quoting the last person who brought it up.

LegacyUser

I got pregnant at 16. You will get through it whatever you decide. Your fella sounds so immature. So was mine, we didnt last. I was a kid having a kid. My parents adopted him. He has never lived with me. I married someone else and we have a family. I wanted to have him adopted, but my parents didnt want that, I didn't know what I wanted. You sound more mature than I was, you just need to figure out what you want to do, even it means it doesn't work out with your bf.

Firetrap

I think first thing you should do is go get crisis pregnancy counselling from a reputable agency. Thaedydal's pointed you towards Positive Options - that's a very good place to start. Whatever you do, don't go down the road of trying to poison the baby with vodka.

Sounds to me like you're not going to get an awful lot of support from your boyfriend. Do you have any close friends who you could talk to? What about your parents? I know you've said they've warned you not to get pregnant but would they be the sort of people who would help you out, regardless of what decision you come to? The most important thing is to reach a decision that you are happy with. Not what other people tell you to do.

JuliusCaesar

dowhatsright wrote: »

most women are relieved after a termination

opinion guy wrote: »

Evidence for this statement ?

Here

LegacyUser

hey everyone. thanks a million for all yer replys yev helped alot. me and my boyfriend spent all last night and today going through all our options and talking about what we both want. i went to the doctor and i now realise how stupid i was to even consider drinking. she was very helpful, didnt judge and talked us through everything. wev decided we're going to keep it and we're putting aside what little money we have already so fingers crossed we'll manage somehow. it still hasn't sunk in yet but im getting a little more used to it and both me and my boyfriend have decided neither of us want an abortion. my parents are strict and im not going to tell them until early january because i dont want to ruin christmas for the family, they will take a long time to get over it but they will eventually and hopefully support me. thanks for all yer replys yev given me alot to think about and i really appreciate it.

LegacyUser

opinion guy wrote: »

Evidence for this statement ?

i had a termination and all i felt was relief

OP, PLEASE go and get professional advice unfortunately, most people here have an agenda and you wont get impartial advice.

take care, and believe in yourself to make the right decision for you, not for anyone else

Lothaar

Something similar happened to me and my now-wife. She was 20 and her parents were extremely strict. She told them on New Year's Day, so as not to ruin Christmas.

It was tough in the early years. My daughter is now 8.5 years old and an absolute legend. I wouldn't trade her for the world.

We were both very immature at the time. It made us grow up pretty quickly. Thing is, it galvanised our relationship and gave us happiness in ways we never imagined. (The sleep depravation was a pain, but that happens no matter how old you are when you have kids!)

If you're both in it together, you're in for a bumpy, but potentially incredible, ride!

Good luck.

omahaid

Hi OP, was in the same boat, me 18 her 17. Our daughter is 11 now, it all worked out perfect so theres hope

LegacyUser

confused... wrote: »

hey everyone. thanks a million for all yer replys yev helped alot. me and my boyfriend spent all last night and today going through all our options and talking about what we both want. i went to the doctor and i now realise how stupid i was to even consider drinking. she was very helpful, didnt judge and talked us through everything. wev decided we're going to keep it and we're putting aside what little money we have already so fingers crossed we'll manage somehow. it still hasn't sunk in yet but im getting a little more used to it and both me and my boyfriend have decided neither of us want an abortion. my parents are strict and im not going to tell them until early january because i dont want to ruin christmas for the family, they will take a long time to get over it but they will eventually and hopefully support me. thanks for all yer replys yev given me alot to think about and i really appreciate it.

OP I'm so delighted that you went to the doctor and that your boyfriend is going to support you.
If you do have second thoughts, please don't do yourself any harm x

I was in a similar situation when I was 15, had split from boyfriend as he was a complete bully to put it mildly. I was so frightened going to tell my parents as they would've been a bit strict and I feared they would freak altogether.

Granted they were shocked, once they got over that and their initial disappointment, they were very supportive. The way my mum put it to me at the time was 'no amount of shouting at you will make you any less pregnant so what's the point'.
Hopefully your parents will be happy once they get over the initial shock.

Don't feel stupid or beat yourself up for what you had contemplated doing, it was a big shock for you and its nearly impossible to think straight under the circumstances.
I considered all sorts of stupid things when I found out I was pregnant but thankfully I didn't follow through on any of them!

If abortion isn't something you want to consider then there is also adoption. That's what happened in my situation and it was the best decision I could've made for my child and I.
Its not like it was years ago where you handed over the baby and heard no more, I opted for an 'open adoption' where I have yearly visits with my child and communicate with the adoptive parents via letters/emails.

It can be frightening being pregnant when its unexpected but there is more than one option open to you.

The very best of luck to you and your boyfriend in the future, I hope it all works out for you whatever happens

LegacyUser

seek help wrote: »

i had a termination and all i felt was relief

OP, PLEASE go and get professional advice unfortunately, most people here have an agenda and you wont get impartial advice.

take care, and believe in yourself to make the right decision for you, not for anyone else

And your opinion is not bias at all???

LegacyUser

it was this time 17 years ago and I was the boyfriend involved. I wanted a quick solution, I felt very scared and too young to be a father. We didn't seek advice and back then it wasn't very easy to get advice on termination, it meant running away to England to terminate it. Because termination was so difficult we discussed all other options, to be honest there weren't any other options. It was either have the baby or not have the baby and options after that were personal decisions on whether to stay together as a couple, whether to live together, whether to put the child up for adoption, or stay living apart.

The biggest trauma was telling the partents. It wasn't nice because they freaked, but 17 years on I'm the Dad to a 16 year old daughter. I lost my youth, looking after a baby is hard work in the sense that you can't go out and socialise like before, but it's not like a death sentence....you soon forget the independence you lost when you realise what you have gained.
I think your boyfriend needs counselling, he needs to step up to the plate a little bit and realise if he was old enough to have sex then he's old enough to be a father.


To the poster who mentioned agendas, get down off your high horse for a moment. The poster asked for help and other peoples experiences. If you had a termination and it was the best thing for you then great, but please have the decency to allow others post their experiences too. I'm neither for or against termination, I'm pretty neutral on the subject. But having been through what I've been through, if my 16 year old daughter told me she was pregnant I'd support her through a birth or termination, whatever HER decision is, but as her Dad I do have the right to advise her on what decision to take based on my own life experience. My advice based on what I've experienced is to have the baby....I have a 16 year old daughter driving me nuts on a daily basis not the regret of having terminated her.

wolfpawnat

OP, my heart goes out to you:( I too was in your position, minus the self abortion thing, I had actually booked a holiday to the UK during the earlier stages of the pregnancy before I even knew I was preggers!

I am delighted your partner and yourself came to a decision together! You both are in for exhausting nights, loads of dirty nappies and a baby that will make your hearts melt every time it looks at you.

Join the girls on the pregnancy forum if you have any questions, they are amazing there. And no matter how stupid you may feel the question is, they will help you. They were a god send when I was pregnant.

I was in college too (I am on time out now, but I will be going back, my partner is still in college).

We didnt tell anyone for 5 months!!!! I was clearly pregnant before we told anyone (thank goodness for over sized hoodies!)

If you have any questions at all, do not hesistate for a second to pm me. Even just to rant off some of the hormones:)

And same with himself, there is a fathers thread there too! He can release some of his worries also.

martdalto

OP, I'm glad you and your boyfriend hvae discussed it, and that you've been to a doctor. As so many other posters have said - having a baby young is not the end of the world... and you can be almost certain that after the initial disappointment from your parents, they will want to make sure that you are ok, and they will love and welcome their new little grandchild.

Just be aware of what you're body and mind are going to go through over the next few months. You are starting to come to terms with it now.. but next week you will most probably be terrified again, then you will swing back to being ok and happy with it, and before you know it you will be in a panic about it all again. This will happen almost daily for the next 9 months!!

I have 3 children, all from marriage, and I spent the 3 entire pregnancies swinging between, delight, terror, nervousness, excitement, dread, back to terror again! (although by the third one I added exhausted to the mix!!)

Building yourself up to tell your parents you will be anxious and terrified, but once it's done it's done and you can all get on with it together.

It's a huge thing to happen at any time in your life. Don't be too hard on yourself if you find it all getting too much. Just know that everyone who is pregnant goes through the same range of emotions, regardless of their circumstances.

Good Luck to you, I wish you all, all the best.

LegacyUser

Thaedydal wrote: »

Firstly my utmost sympathies it's a horrible place to be in.

Drinking will not cause a miscarriage all it will do is up the chances of fetal alchol syndrome, doing anything to try and cause a miscarriage is illegal.

As for trying to sort your head out I suggest you get professional help and support for what ever choice you make. Crises pregnancy counseling is free and you can make an appointment and find out what you options are and what supports there are for you.

http://www.positiveoptions.ie/

Your parents will get over their disappointment, your pregnant its not like you have cancer or have become a junkie prostitute.

If ending the pregnancy is not an option for you there is still the option of adoption or interim foster care while you sort yourself out, there is more then just having/ not having the pregnancy continue.

I hope that your bf and family come true for you on this, but you're not the first 18 year old to find herself pregnant and you wont be the last, I know your scared but get yourself an appointment to get your head and heart sorted.

Please, please don't drink while pregnant. You will only damage the baby and it will very likely survive. Someone very close to my family has fetal alchol syndrome and it is very serious. It affects the development of the fetus mainly the brain as far as I know. This person is quite slow - very poor at school, very poor problem sloving skills, very little cop on, I could go on but don't want to give details. His/Her future doesn't look good. This person is very unlikely to be able to handle paying bill, budgeting, holding down a job although they look perfectly 'normal'.

You need to get Crises pregnancy counseling etc like others have advised.