Do you have "rules" for dating?

liah

I can't really participate in this because I've never really done dating the conventional way despite three serious long-term relationships, so I'm kinda curious about the whole thing from the perspectives of other women.

Do you have your own set of "rules" when it comes to starting a potential relationship? When is it okay for the first kiss, first rumble in the sack, where you go for dates, over what period of time do you think you should end the "dating" and go "exclusive," do you let him chase, do you chase, prefer text or calls, etc..?

What are your deal makers or breakers after your first impression?

Or are you like me, and don't really do things the usual way? I kind of just.. "fall" into relationships; never dated, ever. So it's well beyond me!

Madame Razz

Bar my current relationship I usually end up doing it all arseways and breaking all of the 'rules' one's supposed to adhere to.

But fcuk it, I only ever did what felt right at the time and what was fun at the time, and sometimes it worked out and sometimes it turned out to be an unmitigated disaster. But you live and learn:)

Eitherway I don't look back and cry over it. C'est la vie and all of that:p

shellyboo

liah wrote: »

Do you have your own set of "rules" when it comes to starting a potential relationship? When is it okay for the first kiss, first rumble in the sack, where you go for dates, over what period of time do you think you should end the "dating" and go "exclusive," do you let him chase, do you chase, prefer text or calls, etc..?

Sounds like a whole heap of effort to me... I couldn't be bothered with that stuff. I try to do what feels right when it feels right.

liah

shellyboo wrote: »

Sounds like a whole heap of effort to me... I couldn't be bothered with that stuff. I try to do what feels right when it feels right.

Ah, I know, I'm the same way, but some people tend to reserve themselves and take things in steps, probably to protect themselves and scope out the potential partner.. I just fling myself into the fray no holds barred and hope for the best. :pac:

krudler

I've never really "dated" in the sense I've seen more than one person at once or been with other girls while seeing someone casually, I tend to fall into relationships (I'm a keeper ) I do prefer to wait to sleep with someone though, to me sex is something to be worked towards and looked forward to, not expected after a date or meeting a few times, i wouldnt put a specific number of weeks or whatever on it but whenever feels comfortable

Warfi

My one and only rule would be that they don't assume they know me because of their past experiences. I like to take men as I meet them, and it ticks me off if I don't get the same treatment from them. Don't have the patience for it

shellyboo

liah wrote: »

Ah, I know, I'm the same way, but some people tend to reserve themselves and take things in steps, probably to protect themselves and scope out the potential partner.. I just fling myself into the fray no holds barred and hope for the best. :pac:

I know some people do, and lots of my friends are quite horrified with my... well, I would call it honest, approach to dating. I don't tend to hide my feelings or play games or conform to anyone's expectations but my own.

I did used to wonder if this was what my problem was, if everyone else was doing it right and I was doing it wrong; but all those rules just aren't me. I tried it the "conventional" way once, I held off on sex, I played the text game, I did everything by the rules, and what happened was that I ended up with a guy who wasn't right for ME at all. He was lovely, but it wasn't right.

So now I just do things my way

MizzLolly

I don't really have any rules in regards to kisses or meeting friends etc, all of that stuff can come naturally. My main rule now though (and I've come to this conclusion from past experience) is to know when to realise that it's not going to work out or that there's no point pursuing it. For example, when a guy starts to show an interest and I like him and want to see more of him but there's something not quite right about the frequency of his calls/texts etc or if a guy is showing an interest in me but at the same time is having casual flings with other women - definitely against my rules. Granted, I don't have any hold over a potential partner but at the same time, if a guy can't show in interest in one girl at a time and doesn't see me as being worth going out on a limb without a security net of backup dates around him .. well he can get bent.

If you want to woo me then do it sincerely. Otherwise save the effort for some sweet, little, naive girl who'll fall for it. I can see straight through men who are only interested in getting their leg over - without caring if it's with me or just anyone who'll take 'em.

dublingal80

the only rule i have is not to sleep with someone too soon

In relation as to when to text, how long to wait before you text back and all that? I dont play games. If i want to text someone, I text them. Im not the type of person who thinks, oh i texted them last they have to text me first.
Life is too short

Nervous Wreck

I have a new rule for dating. It basically goes that if I'm not excited enough about seeing the girl or interested enough to, say, take a night off work to see her, it's a no go. I dated a girl a while back and I nearly vomitted before our first date cos I was so nervous. I really liked her but it didn't work out. The next girl I dated, it kinda peeved me that I had to take a night off work to go on the date and, as such, I wasn't really nervous or even very bothered with the first date. It was also our last date. I decided then that life's too short to spend my time hanging out in a cul de sac. If I'm drivin down a road, I wanna know that it's goin somewhere and I wanna be excited at where that'll be.

Emme

Nervous Wreck wrote: »

I have a new rule for dating. It basically goes that if I'm not excited enough about seeing the girl or interested enough to, say, take a night off work to see her, it's a no go. I dated a girl a while back and I nearly vomitted before our first date cos I was so nervous. I really liked her but it didn't work out. The next girl I dated, it kinda peeved me that I had to take a night off work to go on the date and, as such, I wasn't really nervous or even very bothered with the first date. It was also our last date. I decided then that life's too short to spend my time hanging out in a cul de sac. If I'm drivin down a road, I wanna know that it's goin somewhere and I wanna be excited at where that'll be.

That's good advice. I've found the last few "dates" I've been on rather tedious. I'm in my late 30s and figured that seeing as beggars can't be choosers maybe I should be willing to put the work into dates and if inspiration doesn't come it will with effort.

Then again maybe not. I went on a date a guy a few weeks ago - he commented on my hair colour (I'm naturally fair, he prefers brunettes) but gave him the benefit of the doubt and met him again. Zilch chemistry but even so he wants to meet again! I'll meet once more but that's it. I haven't time to waste on people who aren't right for me.

I sort of fell into my relationships - they were either friends of friends or I met them through a club.

I don't think there should be rules for dating except that both parties treat each other with respect and behave with dignity. There are too many books written on dating "rules" and they're a waste of money. "The Rules" and "He's Just Not That Into You" spring to mind. If you spend your free time reading that tripe you'll get what's coming to you - losers! That applies to the gentlemen who listen to PUA types!:D

Fink Goddie

krudler wrote: »

I do prefer to wait to sleep with someone though, to me sex is something to be worked towards and looked forward to, not expected after a date or meeting a few times, i wouldnt put a specific number of weeks or whatever on it but whenever feels comfortable

dublingal80 wrote: »

the only rule i have is not to sleep with someone too soon

Have to agree on that one for a number of reasons.

Herbal Deity

liah wrote: »

I can't really participate in this because I've never really done dating the conventional way

Is there a conventional way of dating?

Do people here even use the word "dating" much? Dating is a very American concept I think.

Nervous Wreck

Herbal Deity wrote: »

Is there a conventional way of dating?

Do people here even use the word "dating" much? Dating is a very American concept I think.

I think it's something that's becoming more common in Ireland.

liah

Herbal Deity wrote: »

Is there a conventional way of dating?

Do people here even use the word "dating" much? Dating is a very American concept I think.

Well, the whole setting up a date thing, texting, all that crap you read over in PI/RI about "we had a great date, why isn't he texting me back?!" etc. Some also date a few people at a time til one ends up being the one they want.

Dating seems to be somewhat prevalent here, anyway.

I've never gone on a date til after I've been "exclusive" with someone. Normally we just chill for awhile and somehow eventually end up in a relationship.

Emme

liah wrote: »

I've never gone on a date til after I've been "exclusive" with someone. Normally we just chill for awhile and somehow eventually end up in a relationship.

A good few people who meet on websites have adopted the American idea of considering it the norm to date a few people at a time and the web facilitates that anyway. IMHO it's a bit messy because one half might think he or she is exclusive while the other is seeing several people. This whole American business of dating several people at a time and only becoming "exclusive" after a while is open to all sorts of misinterpretation especially in Ireland! Basically it gives players free rein to do what they like.

Either you're going out with someone or you're not. I have male friends who I see from time to time but we're not dating, we're just meeting as friends. Some of them have asked me out as a girlfriend and if we go out as boyfriend/girlfriend then we have to be "exclusive" if it's to continue.

Sometimes I wonder if these people who invented "dating" realise that it's possible to have friends of the opposite gender.:rolleyes:

Nervous Wreck

Emme wrote: »

A good few people who meet on websites have adopted the American idea of considering it the norm to date a few people at a time and the web facilitates that anyway. IMHO it's a bit messy because one half might think he or she is exclusive while the other is seeing several people. This whole American business of dating several people at a time and only becoming "exclusive" after a while is open to all sorts of misinterpretation especially in Ireland! Basically it gives players free rein to do what they like.

Either you're going out with someone or you're not. I have male friends who I see from time to time but we're not dating, we're just meeting as friends. Some of them have asked me out as a girlfriend and if we go out as boyfriend/girlfriend then we have to be "exclusive" if it's to continue.

Sometimes I wonder if these people who invented "dating" realise that it's possible to have friends of the opposite gender.:rolleyes:

Being friends with someone of the opposite sex isn't what this thread is about though....

krudler

The idea of meeting up with someone in a romantic/date scenario while they have someone else on the go is a big no no for me, either you're single or you're not, I hate this "exclusive" crap, if you're on the fence about whether you want to be with me then see someone else the next night in the same situation then its the door fairly sharpish

metaoblivia

I do the American style of dating, and I enjoy it. It's never gotten messy. Of course, you generally know if someone is worth pursuing further a few dates in. But there's no reason to jump in and get exclusive from the first date, imo. I find it best to keep your options open until you know the person a little bit better.

And I have guy friends I go out with all the time. There's definitely a difference between the men you date and men who are friends.

As for rules, my only ones are to not get emotionally attached and clingy too soon and not to have sex too soon.

Emme

metaoblivia wrote: »

I do the American style of dating, and I enjoy it. It's never gotten messy. Of course, you generally know if someone is worth pursuing further a few dates in. But there's no reason to jump in and get exclusive from the first date, imo. I find it best to keep your options open until you know the person a little bit better.

So when do you snog them? When you're "exclusive" or before?
And if you snog them do you wait until you're "exclusive" before heavy petting?

I would see someone as friends for a few times but wouldn't actually regard it as a date until we're exclusive and wouldn't snog them until we're exclusive.

fionab1385

i think you really have to take it as it comes. Every relationship is so different. I am in one now and it's only just over 2 months and we said the love word over the weekend! Might seem a bit fast to some people and probably would seem fast to me if someone else was telling me the story but for me it just feels right. We are both in our 30's so old enough to know. and sure if we are wrong, we are wrong but you have to go with it, take a risk and keep your fingers crossed!!!!!!

metaoblivia

Emme wrote: »

So when do you snog them? When you're "exclusive" or before?
And if you snog them do you wait until you're "exclusive" before heavy petting?

I would see someone as friends for a few times but wouldn't actually regard it as a date until we're exclusive and wouldn't snog them until we're exclusive.

Well, it's up to the person. Generally, if I'm just dating someone I won't go further than kissing and some light petting until I'm more sure about whether or not I want to move the relationship into "exclusive" territory.

panda100

When I was younger I used to make little rules but I always ended up breaking them.
I have a dating pattern more than rules but I like to have drinks in evening time for first date and then a sober, day time second date.

pikachucheeks

I have one rule I can think of, which is that I'll always have to test the water and "see" them, before I get into a relationship and commit to them.

I consider relationships to be sacred. I wouldn't be willing to get in to a relationship with someone unless I liked them a lot, trusted they felt the same and could see the relationship ... going somewhere.

I think I'm just very cautious of my heart being broken and don't let people in too easily. So, for this reason, I like having a period of time where you're seeing each other and getting to know each other, before deciding to be exclusive. You get an idea of what the person is like and how you get on, before committing to them...

minidazzler

I do have a few unbreakable rules. But I don't tell anyone them.

krudler

minidazzler wrote: »

I do have a few unbreakable rules. But I don't tell anyone them.

Keep 'em on their toes, i like your style:D

minidazzler

krudler wrote: »

Keep 'em on their toes, i like your style:D

Not really that, it's nothing about what they do really, it's about who they are. So it's not exactly about keeping them on their toes.

krudler

I get ya, no point in telling people what you're expecting from the getgo , I have an idea of what i do and dont like in the beginnings of a relationship or meeting someone new but its not like you give people a list of do's and dont's, although maybe if we all did that itd make things a lot simpler

opinion guy

Hmm I kind of have an internal rule set. Not by intention its just sort of evolved. You know like stuff I've learned over the years like if person A sayx XYZ, run for the hills. I allow myself the luxury of being a complete hypocrit and overruling them whenever it takes my fancy. I suppose they are more guidelines than rules then.

Creamy Goodness

if i had rules i'd go out with no one...

oh wait...:(

stovelid

Never had any.

It always just....happened.

Warfi

stovelid wrote: »

Never had any.

It always just....happened.

Do you expect that to stand up in court?

ah know what you mean, good to take people at face value and take it from there

Novella

Hmm, I don't have any rules tbh, but then again, I don't "date". I mean, I get asked to go on dates with guys but I just never do really. I haven't been asked somewhere or by someone lately that particularly excited me and I just feel if I'm kinda "meh" about the whole situation, there's no point doing it.

I know a lot of people say, "Oh, the first time we met, I didn't like him/her but after a few dates, everything was great"! I don't go in for that at all. I think I'm a heart person. If my heart isn't saying, "Yes, go for it!!!!!" from the start, I'm just not going to. I know when I'm interested in someone. Everytime I get a text message, I'll hope it's from them etc. Otherwise, it's just a no. So I guess that is my only "rule", no 'not-really-bothered' dates!

liah

fionab1385 wrote: »

i think you really have to take it as it comes. Every relationship is so different. I am in one now and it's only just over 2 months and we said the love word over the weekend! Might seem a bit fast to some people and probably would seem fast to me if someone else was telling me the story but for me it just feels right. We are both in our 30's so old enough to know. and sure if we are wrong, we are wrong but you have to go with it, take a risk and keep your fingers crossed!!!!!!

I don't think it's fast.. but then again, my first relationship (2 1/2 years, ended solely due to the fact that I needed travel and he had university, and we were young) we said it 2 months in, too.. 2nd relationship (a year, ended early solely due to distance) was something like four days.. 3rd (current) was something like two weeks.

It's nuts to a lot of people to dive in so quick but I've never regretted any of them, at all. So I don't think it's strange!

Agent Smith

I Dont date men, tis a pretty solid rule i have...

me_right_one

Dating, rules, exclusive, chemistry:rolleyes:. Some people just watch too much tele!

miss_feminem

I don't really have rules. I'm not pushed on the whole "playing games" thing. Men are oblivious to the fact that you're flirting, etc so it is really a waste of time.

My one "rule" is: I wouldn't go out with a smoker. I just hate the smokes *yuk*

But that's not a concern for me anyways as I have my man (and I asked him out )

Kooli

Novella wrote: »

I know a lot of people say, "Oh, the first time we met, I didn't like him/her but after a few dates, everything was great"! I don't go in for that at all. I think I'm a heart person. If my heart isn't saying, "Yes, go for it!!!!!" from the start, I'm just not going to. I know when I'm interested in someone. Everytime I get a text message, I'll hope it's from them etc. Otherwise, it's just a no. So I guess that is my only "rule", no 'not-really-bothered' dates!

I agree with this, but I'm interested to hear that you do know people who had the 'he grew on me' experience.

I always find it strange that if me or one of my mates has been on a date or two, and the verdict is kind of lukewarm (i.e. yeah he was nice and I guess I fancy him a bit, but I'm not hugely excited about the whole thing) that the advice from the rest of the girls in the gang is almost invariably to say go on another date, give it a good try etc.

However I have NEVER seen that go anywhere! Any good relationships I have either been in or witnessed were good from the start - excited about dates, texts, butterflies etc.

I find with women sometimes we can have this attitude of...almost gratitude or something! Like if HE likes ME then I really have to give this a chance!

So anyway, to get to the point, that would be my only 'rule' - if I'm not that into it, don't try to force it just because he's really into it.

Jemmy

Rules?! Nah more hassle than it's worth, just go with the flow and see what happens!

Emme

Kooli wrote: »

I agree with this, but I'm interested to hear that you do know people who had the 'he grew on me' experience.

I always find it strange that if me or one of my mates has been on a date or two, and the verdict is kind of lukewarm (i.e. yeah he was nice and I guess I fancy him a bit, but I'm not hugely excited about the whole thing) that the advice from the rest of the girls in the gang is almost invariably to say go on another date, give it a good try etc.

However I have NEVER seen that go anywhere! Any good relationships I have either been in or witnessed were good from the start - excited about dates, texts, butterflies etc.

But it's often the bad guys who give us the butterflies, they're like chocolate, they taste good but they're BAD for us!:D The one you have a mad passionate reunion with and THEN he tells you he has a GF!!!:mad: Or the one who has you driven mental checking your phone every half hour for texts!

Kooli wrote: »

I find with women sometimes we can have this attitude of...almost gratitude or something! Like if HE likes ME then I really have to give this a chance!

Guilty as charged, and will be committing this very sin on Saturday night when I meet a guy who doesn't give me butterflies for a 3rd date!:o

Kooli wrote: »

So anyway, to get to the point, that would be my only 'rule' - if I'm not that into it, don't try to force it just because he's really into it.

It's like this, if there isn't a spark by the 3rd date there's no point in continuing. But I think you should go on a few dates with a guy to see if there's potential. You'd expect a guy to give you a chance, so you should give him a chance.

BumbleB

If I dont feel a warm fuzzy buzz when I'm talking to her ,no go .Hard to explain that one but I'm sure y'all felt it at some stage.

RABTMOUSE

I'm useless at dating- so I now stay clear of dating. Sitting across the table from a complete stranger who you're attracted to: that's recipee for disaster for me.
If anyone out there is 'good' at dating or has some 'tried and tested' rules, please share with me!!:)

goldjogger

Interestin tread,

My expereince of "dating" has been grand nothin very excitin, cinema, dinner that kinda thing which wouldn't be my choice of first dates really.

I tink this dating craic can get a bit out of hand cos from a past expereince i was "datin" a guy nothin serious, went out 4 dinner a few times and as i thought we were not goin out but he thought we were and it ended on bad terms.

My rule is to trust my instinct you know if you like a guy or not!!

MAB83

My only rules (when i was single!) were that she's a nice person and I can have a laugh with her. Besides fancying the person obviously.