I need to write this now...

LegacyUser

But basically, right now, I'm feeling very down, very low, and very impulsive. I know myself well, I know all the theory, I know what I need to do as a long-term thing, but right now, I'm struggling hugely. For years, from my early to late teens, I had issues with eating disorders, depression and self harm and a couple of tame suicide attempts (pills).

Since I turned 18-ish most of that hasn't been an issue, and I've had a few years where I barely thought about any of this. I was on top of all of this. None of it was really an issue, or a part of my life. Would have the odd 'attack' of depression, but could deal with it.

The last month, I've fallen apart. All those stupid behaviours of my past have found themselves to still be a big part of me now, in my present. It all peaked at an almost-suicide attempt 2 weeks ago, I had full intention of going through with it all, but after downing a substantial amount of alcohol and some pills, I stopped halfway through my supply and that little voice that had become so complacent suddenly went 'Whoa, what the hell are you doing?', and I crawled into bed and slept it all off. And I told people about this and I had been doing better. I was starting to slowly, little by little, get myself together and suddenly I'm just in a really bad space again. I can't figure out what I've done to get myself here and I dont know what to do.

Right now, really, I don't think I'm even looking for all that much advice or anything, but I need to get this out of my head, and just keep delaying the impulses to do something stupid and hope they pass, hope they pass hope they pass.

All the while, wondering why I'm like this now, wondering why I suddenly can't cope with a life I loved a month ago. It's like there's two forces in my head at work, one which is content with life, the other that isn't. That second one has lain dormant for so many years, and suddenly, is back with a vengeance, it's hard to know which feels worse at times, the apathy, feeling nothing, not caring, not smiling, oblivious to all the positive things and people around me, or the feeling that I'm about to explode, that it will only take one person to say something meaningless and I'll burst into tears, or start shouting and screaming and hitting and kicking. I feel so much anger sometimes lately and I don't know why. I hate it, it's not me. I'm not an angry person, it isn't me. And yet I'm snapping at people I love, and their offhand totally non-offensive meaningless remarks are met with this twisting, bitter resentment in my head that I can't quite control. I've yet to voice a lot of the anger beyond sarky comments or unwarranted impatience, but it's just all bubbling and brewing and boiling inside.

Then I get to the point where any of the options I have to control my mood, to cheer myself up or calm myself down, I end up turning to food, throwing up, or cutting myself. I'm sick of it. This isn't me. This isn't who I am. But it's still consuming my thoughts, my moods, my actions, everything. It's just so much bigger than me right now and I don't know how to cope with it. I just want it to stop, but then this apathy and negativity get into my head, and all of a sudden the wanting of all the negative stuff to stop turns into suicidal thoughts. And the apathy knows this and there's a little part of me going 'ah no, I don't want to do that'. And it's like I'm outside myself watching all this happening, not quite wanting it to happen, but watching anyway, and not interrupting any of it. I was lucky that a part of my senses came through last time but what if they hadn't? What if there's a next time?

I feel quite close to despair now. I feel out of my own control and I don't know what to do.

The doctor put me on to anti-depressants after the attempt thing two weeks ago, but I'd started improving after 3-4 days (and it takes at least 2 weeks for the anti-depressants to take effect), so I decided I didn't need them, and to work on getting myself better without them.

Now, I'm thinking they could be a bit of a necessity. Just want to stop the planet and get off and hide for a while, really.

Whynotme

Depression is a terrible thing. Especially when it hits when you have been feeling good, that makes it even harder to accept. If your gp has prescibed meds I would suggest that you take them. Also go for counselling to work out where you are and why. Have you read any self help books? Esp ones on Cognitive Behaviour Therapy? They may help you to deal with the onset of depression and give you tips on how to overcome the 'bad' or 'negative' thoughts. Speak honestly to family and friends, ask for hugs as physical contact is wonderful when feeling low. It helps you to know that you are loved and that someone cares.

If you don't go for counselling you will never get to the bottom of whatever is lying dormant in you. Something somewhere is affecting you. Find it and start to regain control of your life and thoughts again.

Fiend-Foe

Look into CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy). Ask your Doctor.

It really changed my life and along with a good counselor was the only thing that ever helped me beat depression. I tried several different medications, mos of them just did nothing or made me feel a lot worse.

Really, I swear by CBT and so does anybody I've talked to with any experience of it. It will change your life.

You CAN beat this, you WILL feel better. Nothing is permanent.

LegacyUser

Whynotme wrote: »

Depression is a terrible thing. Especially when it hits when you have been feeling good, that makes it even harder to accept. If your gp has prescibed meds I would suggest that you take them.

Yes, I did end up coming to that conclusion last night. Find the concept of having to become dependent on pills quite unpleasant, and a little scary, so had been hoping to avoid it, but there don't seem to be a lot of other options right now.

And in fairness, it's not so much that the GP prescribed them, but that I went to him and asked for them initially and took a lot of convincing him that I wasn't doing as well as he thought. (I brought a support in with me for this, as it was not my usual GP, but one I could get an appointment with quickly as I know him).

Also go for counselling to work out where you are and why. Have you read any self help books? Esp ones on Cognitive Behaviour Therapy? They may help you to deal with the onset of depression and give you tips on how to overcome the 'bad' or 'negative' thoughts.

I'm in counselling at the moment, I probably should have mentioned. It's a community based one, and free, as I'm on a very low income. It's been amazing help and support, but it can be a long time between one session and the next.

Speak honestly to family and friends, ask for hugs as physical contact is wonderful when feeling low. It helps you to know that you are loved and that someone cares.

I've actually not really got any family anywhere nearby, at all, but do have some good friends. And you're right, the physical contact is wonderful. There's been a part of me sort of craving it lately, and I'd not quite put the two together until you said it there.

If you don't go for counselling you will never get to the bottom of whatever is lying dormant in you. Something somewhere is affecting you. Find it and start to regain control of your life and thoughts again.

I know I do have issues from my past, and that they are maybe perhaps not as settled as I thought they were. But I still can't see how those molehills became this mountain, so to speak.

Actually, having to find it and start again to regain control of my life and thoughts... I think you've hit a bit of a nerve there, possibly.

Thank you, that was a very useful post.

LegacyUser

Thanks too, sunflower and fiend-foe.

Like I said above, I'm still not keen on the thought of anti-depressants. As a relatively short term basis, I can just about handle, but the thought of taking them for the rest of my life, I just cannot come to terms with.

Meanwhile, I am doing counselling, but am not doing Cognitive Behavioural Therapy.

I'm finding the counselling quite useful and it's about the only thing out there for somebody on my budget, where I am.

And yes, I've been giving alcohol a relatively wide berth of late. Not quite abstinant, but not as heavy drinking as before.

extrinzic

OP, I get the impression that you are very creative. Now, just to be clear, I’m not suggesting that you made any of this up. I simply think that you write very elegantly and descriptively. I wonder if all this time you find yourself despairing has anything to do with your neglect of your creative ability. Perhaps you need to focus your talent into something more positive and constructive. I believe that for every kilojoule of energy you expend creatively, you will receive it back in turn, and then some more. You can medicate yourself to numb the fire within, but if you can, forge something beautiful with your flame. I believe you can, and you should. Be.

anto 1967

hi op,i hope you are feeling better today.i think you need to start taking your medication again straight away and stay on it. you will not be on it for the rest of your life.you just need it to get you through the rough patches. i think you should go to one of those 12 step help groups. such as GROW.I went there years ago and it helped me immensly. it changed my life. i haven't needed to go back in years. and i'm off all medication now. so you will get throgh this.take your meds to get you through the rough times and stay on them until you get much better, and even then don't get off them completly, you will need to wean yourself off them slowly.go to Grow. and get involved in the groups. you will meet loads of other people who are just like you. get your gp to refer you to a psychaitrist and a psycholist. you should be able to see these for free. you need to come at this problem from all sides. and you will overcome it.wishing you all the very best. remember you are not alone.

LegacyUser

extrinzic wrote: »

OP, I get the impression that you are very creative. Now, just to be clear, I’m not suggesting that you made any of this up. I simply think that you write very elegantly and descriptively. I wonder if all this time you find yourself despairing has anything to do with your neglect of your creative ability. Perhaps you need to focus your talent into something more positive and constructive. I believe that for every kilojoule of energy you expend creatively, you will receive it back in turn, and then some more. You can medicate yourself to numb the fire within, but if you can, forge something beautiful with your flame. I believe you can, and you should. Be.

You know, I have been neglecting my painting recently. There's this one piece I'm working on that I just needed to be in a good headspace for, to convey the feelings I wanted to express with it. I probably should have started a darker piece and used that to let my head chill out a bit. Thanks, that point has been really helpful. It's quite cheered me up, actually, I'm going to reply to the next post and then pull out my paints!

LegacyUser

anto 1967 wrote: »

hi op,i hope you are feeling better today.

I am actually. Not too long after starting this thread, I had a small melt down and subsequent heart to heart with a close friend, and it felt quite good to get it all off my chest.

i think you need to start taking your medication again straight away and stay on it. you will not be on it for the rest of your life.you just need it to get you through the rough patches.

Yeah, I'm back on it this time. And while I'm actually feeling quite good now, back to my old self, more or less, I'm just still afraid of how quickly I can go from grand to suicidal. So I'm back on the pills anyway, and will review this again in the new year.

i think you should go to one of those 12 step help groups. such as GROW.I went there years ago and it helped me immensly. it changed my life. i haven't needed to go back in years. and i'm off all medication now. so you will get throgh this.

Nah, glad they helped you, but 12 step isn't really for me, to be honest.

take your meds to get you through the rough times and stay on them until you get much better, and even then don't get off them completly, you will need to wean yourself off them slowly.

What I'm finding difficult now is that I feel pretty much fine. I feel quite fine, quite stable and back to my normal, chirpy self. So it's harder to remember to take the meds, because I'm not feeling any effects yet whether I take them or not, and as well, it's hard to know when to come off them, because I can just spiral down so quickly. But I guess that's the kind of stuff to take up with my G.P. and my various supportive friends.

go to Grow. and get involved in the groups. you will meet loads of other people who are just like you.

Perhaps it's something to do with my lifestyle and interests, but I'm already very well acquainted with other people 'just like me', which I guess is why I put a lot of emphasis on having my friends, but don't feel the need to go to groups.

you will overcome it.wishing you all the very best. remember you are not alone.

Thanks for the good wishes and your post, it's much appreciated

Lugus

Hi OP, glad to hear you are doing well. I too used to go through the same up's and downs with depression and suicidal thoughts, every couple of years i would go throught a new bout and it used to fill me with dread that this was the way i was going to be for the rest of my life. I first went down the route of medication too and was prescibed medication called seroxat(Paxil) whiched helped alot initially but realized that it only masked the problem and numbed alot of emotions both good and bad so i never really learned how to deal with these situations and prevent them from happening. Although i know medication can and has helped alot of people, i found that the linden method by charles linden has given me alot of understanding about my situation/condition and given me the ways and means too overcome my thought structure. I only started this program a couple of months back and i find the techniques so helpful, to be honest i feel like a new person.

[/
Originally Posted by extrinzic
OP, I get the impression that you are very creative. Now, just to be clear, I’m not suggesting that you made any of this up. I simply think that you write very elegantly and descriptively. I wonder if all this time you find yourself despairing has anything to do with your neglect of your creative ability. Perhaps you need to focus your talent into something more positive and constructive. I believe that for every kilojoule of energy you expend creatively, you will receive it back in turn, and then some more. You can medicate yourself to numb the fire within, but if you can, forge something beautiful with your flame. I believe you can, and you should. Be.
]

Also i'd like to agree with extrinzic. alot of people that suffer from depression are highly creative and intelligent people that need to find an creative outlet and continue to pursue it. But you also need to include regular exercise in your life and eat healthy. some people can get away with not doing any of the above but i found with myself and alot of other people with depression that you need these things in your life to help you cure depression. Hope this helps?

Also i'd like to ask Has anybody tried this method and if so how did you find it?

extrinzic

Good for you OP. Glad to help.

confusedgirl

I'm in a similar enough situation to you; having experienced recurring depression for years.

I think you need to focus on lifestyle choices. Get exercise (when im doing well, i go for run most mornings etc), eat well (avoid caffeine, alcohol, smoking, drugs, sugary and processed foods-a natural diet WILL help). Make sure you get plenty of Omega 3s which are found in fish and vitamin B, both of which can help improve your mood and energy levels respectively. I would also say read Gareth O'Callaghan's book "A day without hope" where he talks about his battle with depression. It'll give you tips on how to deal with depression and some hope. I also take "Kalms"-they are a herbal remedy for stress. You can get them in Boots, take two at each meal (breakfast, lunch and dinner). Check with your doctor first though if you are on medication because the herbal remedy might affect it. Chamomile tea, hot water bottle and socks on my feet (I've cold feet lol!) at bedtime help me get a good sleep. I have also found therapy and 12 step support groups extremely helpful. Keep in contact with your friends-its tempting to isolate yourself but this will only make it worse. Also I've found a fantastic website. Its primarily designed for students but ignore the student-related bits and it could be used by anyone-they have a good focus on CBT, forming new habits, understanding what depression is etc. I printed everything out and have it all in a folder now! Its www.studentdepression.org studentdepression.org (sorry I dont know if i can give external websites out but please let me quote this one its the best I've found yet!)

I also found setting goals really beneficial-which ties in with CBT. Start with small goals and work your way up. If you use the "SMART" acronym, this will help you. You can google it and goal setting is also dealt with in the Gareth O'Callaghan book I mentioned earlier. Businesses use the "SMART" technique all the time for projects but it can be applied to your personal life-after all, isnt your life that biggest project you'll ever have? (sorry if that sounds corny but its true!)

Xluna

Sounds like manic depression rather than the regular variety.

Wibbs

Xluna no online diagnosis please.