Pregnant at 44 - please help

Needabitofhelp

Hi all,

I've re-registered with a new username specially for this new post.

I have just found out I'm pregnant again. I already have 5 children and can barely cope as it is. The oldest is 12 and the youngest is 5 and my life, and that of my husband, was on track to becoming some way normal again.

We've no idea of what to do. The emotions are strong but mixed. We feel that our priority should be to ourselves and to our 5 children who need a lot of help at school and with life in general. Another child would impact on their outlook. I know myself that I'm not going to cope physically and mentally with this as I'm always exhausted as it is. The other alternative is termination and I don't know how I would feel in the months or years ahead if we went down that road. We're also Catholics which doesn't help.

We're praying for a natural miscarriage but like most things, one can't have one when one needs it most. Also, there's so many other people out there who would love a new baby so life is a bit unfair in some respects.

Could someone who has been through this give us a dig out in terms of how to approach how to decide what to do?

Many thanks,

Liz

LegacyUser

My mum had me when she was 45. That was 34 years ago. I know for a fact she was very stressed at the time because medicine would be a bit behind what it is now. And so was my Dad. But they went through with it and she called me her bonus boy. Im sure it wasnt easy but I know shes glad she had me and Im glad she did too obviously. Ive made a pretty good life for myself. Oh and I was her 9th kid.
My sister had her second when she was 44 just last year. The baby is fabulous.
I totally understand if you terminate. I firmly believe its your choice. But before you do just take your time and think.

LegacyUser

Hi OP,
My heart goes out to you. I want to tell you something and I know some people won't like it.
Research has shown that the number one emotion a majority of women feel after a termination is relief. Please don't discount this option, you have other lives that may need to take priority in your other children, so a termination is not a traumatic, end of the world solution.
I would STRONGLY advice a session with a crisis pregnancy counsiller in a REPUTABLE, IMPARTIAL agency. As crisis pregnancy is not just for a scared teenager, its also for people like you so you can consider ALL the options.

994

Also see http://www.positiveoptions.ie/

Overheal

Im all for Pro Choice but its not an easy choice. If you want to even consider it speak with a GP about the side effects. I could definitely see how having a 6th child would be undesirable. I dont think praying for a miscarriage is really.. well, I imagine its a very stressful time for you.

If however you decide to go through with the pregnancy just remember your oldest will be 13 and while that doesnt sound very mature on paper I've always noted that when theres a bigger age gap between siblings they work out a lot better. And he/she is at the stage where they are capable of taking on a lot more responsibility, though each of them should be chipping in by now, in some way. As for adoption, how would your other 5 children understand that though?

I would make seperate arrangements to meet with a pregnancy specialist like an above anon was saying and with your priest/parishoner and then decide whats best for you and your family.

dory

Sorry to hear you're not happy with the pregnancy. I can totally understand, five would be hard enough to rear let alone another one.

Just so you know terminating pregnancies when one can't afford any more is very common in some parts of the world. I've heard of it happening a lot in some Eastern European countries, so please don't feel alone or anything.
As one previous poster said, 'bonus babies' can be wonderful, as can all babies, but that's usually seen with hindsight, and at the moment you're probably worried about the here and now.

All I would say is make whatever decision you think is best for you, why let your religion decide it? And anyway, I'm not sure how God would feel about you praying for a natural miscarraige.

I would definitely recommend seeing a crisis pregnancy person.

SarahSassy

dory wrote: »

why let your religion decide it?

Obviously because she is religious and is making her decision taking note of her religious beliefs.

dory wrote: »

And anyway, I'm not sure how God would feel about you praying for a natural miscarraige.

Nasty and unnecessary. The lady is desperate and at the end of her wits worrying.

OP, as the other poster mentioned, your 13 year old should be able to help out with the younger ones. I cant guide you on what to do but my own concern, if it were me, would be that I would never forgive myself for getting rid of my kids sibling and that at their weddings, confirmations etc you would know that someone was missing. For me, I imagine, that this would be a burden too big for me to carry.

I hope you make the best choice for yourselves.

What does your husband think?

Nevyn

Not all crises pregnacies are teenagers, they happen to a range of people.

Needabitofhelp I would suggest that you and your husband if you both can together make an appointment for crisses pregnancy counselling. It's free and you can both talk about all the issues surrounding your situation and what ever choices you make.

http://www.positiveoptions.ie/

athlone M

need a bit of help, I'm sorry to hear that you are in a place like this but you say that you can't think of an abortion due to your religion but do you not think that praying for a natural miscarriage is wrong, now we could start that old debate of is it a baby or is it an embryo an whichever way you are inclined to think that is your own choice and that whole debate isn't going to help.
I feel for you and just recently after the birth of my two children which have been consecutive in the past two years i thought that I was pregnant for the third time and i have to say both myself and my husband were far from pleased so i can understand how ye must be feeling but my husband and myself decided that the baby (if there was one) would have been another child so like the two beautiful children that we have been blessed with and decided tghat how could we not love or care for another child like this, this probably doesn't help, but do what you and your husband feel is right for you and your family already but please take into consideration this will have in your family should you and your husband decide not to add this child to your family. Best of luck

Needabitofhelp

Thanks for the replies and support thus far.

I think I will call one of the agencies on positiveoptions and talk to one of their people.

The irony in all of this is that myself and my husband were never of favour of legalising abortion. We always viewed it as being for the young single girl. Now here I am looking at my options and probably having to go to the UK if that's the option I choose.

My husband is not feeling good about all of this. Both himself and myself are not stupid people and yet we find ourselves in this predicament. He was supposed to go for that v operation but didn't. Anyhow, we got careless and here we are.

Both of us would be very embarrassed as well if people knew that no 6 was on the way. Most parents would be in their 20s and 30s and here am I at 44. I brought all my kids to mother baby groups but I would find this one a bit difficult.

The biggest fears that I have with termination are regret and also that bad luck will come to our family. We have wonderful children - very hard work but still wonderful. Two of our children need a bit of extra attention and I think they would be the one's to loose out. I will keep going til I drop I suppose.

It would be so easy if nature took over for me.

athlone M

you have nothing to be embarrassed about should you and your husband decide to keep this baby. Your age is only a number and your baby wouldn't differentiate between the fact that you are 44 or say 49 when he or she would be going to national school. When I was having my babies I was surprised to find that I was amongst the youngest of the women both in the antenatal clinics and the maternity ward and I am almost 27. But as I previously said you really need to do what is best for you and your family

dory

SarahSassy wrote: »

Obviously because she is religious and is making her decision taking note of her religious beliefs.



Nasty and unnecessary. The lady is desperate and at the end of her wits worrying.

I wasn't being nasty at all. If you read the rest of my post I was trying to be unbiased and point out a major contradiction. I realise contradiction is one of the cornerstones of the catholic church but I thought it would be to the benefit of the OP to realise that the procedure she clearly wants but is slow to get is no better or worse than praying for nature to take over.
And then Athlone M came to the same conclusion, again in a non-nasty way.

OP, please don't be worried about mother and baby groups, the average age for mothers is getting older all the time. And I bet most people in that group won't even be able to guess your age, or will be too busy cooing over their own baby to notice.

Victor

My brother (last of 8) was born when my mother was 41 and my friend (last of 12) was born when his mother was 49 (he was a miracle baby conceived in Lourdes ).

Sure things are complicated, but I think you'll get by.

Zaph

Needabitofhelp wrote: »

Both of us would be very embarrassed as well if people knew that no 6 was on the way. Most parents would be in their 20s and 30s and here am I at 44.

Why should you be embarrassed for people to know that at 44 your husband and you are having sex? It's a perfectly natural thing for two people your age to be doing and most people would assume you are anyway. That you're now pregnant is merely confirmation that you still love each other enough to want to have sex, I know a few couples in their 40s who would love to be able to claim that. As for being too old, my sister's partner was 44 when they had their first and 49 when their second was born last year. Age really is just a number and you'll only be too old to be parents again if that's something you believe yourselves. Nobody else will have any problems with it, I can assure you.

Needabitofhelp wrote: »

The biggest fears that I have with termination are regret and also that bad luck will come to our family.

Regret I can understand, but the bad luck thing is a completely illogical response to the situation. While we all sometimes may wish bad karma on someone who has done something bad to you, if you think about it rationally you'll know yourself that an action has absolutely no bearing on the future luck a person may or may not have. The two are completely unrelated. So when making your decision, whatever it may be, you should discount any thoughts of potential bad luck in order to make whatever decision you feel is right for you.

prinz

OP, both my parents were in their mid 40's when I was born.I too am the youngest of 6 kids, and there is a gap between myself and the next sibling of 5 years like yours would/could be. My parents, like you, thought they were finished with the kids thing.. they got through it. It was tough work but they (parents AND siblings) managed just fine, and never had any problems.

LegacyUser

Hi OP,

really sorry to hear about your problems, can I say i was once guilty of praying for a natural miscarraige. i sat in a church for the first time in years and cried and prayed.
eventually i went to the uk. it was not as horrifying as i thought it would be.
from experience may i suggest you try the early medical termination pill. I knew i could not mentally go through a medical procedure so i opted for the pill which they can administer from 6-9 weeks gestation. it was fine. i took a pill, 4 hours later had one inserted inside me and by the next morning had what felt like a very heavy period, bareable pain and it was all over. well woman are brilliant, they offer free counselling before and after. they are amazing. I went to birmingham as its a bit cheaper than london and allows you both pills in 1 day if your from overseas. the other clinics do not guarantee they will have the time to give you the 2 in one day.
please consider this option, you will probably feel relief!
good luck with your journey and much love to you and your family in this tough time xxx

Needabitofhelp

Thanks all for the advice. Will go with that now. Hopefully will make the right decision.

LegacyUser

Hi all, it's me again. I can't remember my password, it's so long ago since I posted.

Our baby boy was born during the summer!! We are so thrilled even if it was all very stressful at the time. Wouldn't change if for the world now and we really did make the right decision in the end thank God.

We spend a lot of money on tests for abnormalities. Some things which had a 22:1 statistical probability based on my age were pushed out to around 700:1 after the tests. All of this was very re-assuring for us.

Baby is 4 months now and is doing very well. I am coping very well too. Our other kids love the new arrival and are very good at helping out which takes pressure off of me. Husband is delighted also. He paid a visit to the clinic over the summer!!

The support here on boards was great and it did help me get my thoughts in order, as chaotic they were at the time. That was a difficult time in my life and it's so good again now.

Thanks again.

prinz

Glad to hear it. Best of luck to you all into the future.

ABajaninCork

Aww - I'm so glad things have worked out for you, and I wish many years of health and happiness to you and your family, especially the little fella .

I'm in my mid-40's and have never been blessed by a child, so this thread has given me hope!

Best of luck to you.

Cheeky_gal

needabitofhelp1 wrote: »

Hi all, it's me again. I can't remember my password, it's so long ago since I posted.

Our baby boy was born during the summer!! We are so thrilled even if it was all very stressful at the time. Wouldn't change if for the world now and we really did make the right decision in the end thank God.

We spend a lot of money on tests for abnormalities. Some things which had a 22:1 statistical probability based on my age were pushed out to around 700:1 after the tests. All of this was very re-assuring for us.

Baby is 4 months now and is doing very well. I am coping very well too. Our other kids love the new arrival and are very good at helping out which takes pressure off of me. Husband is delighted also. He paid a visit to the clinic over the summer!!

The support here on boards was great and it did help me get my thoughts in order, as chaotic they were at the time. That was a difficult time in my life and it's so good again now.

Thanks again.

Ah this is the nicest story I've read in ages
Lucky kid !

Goldenegg

My mam got pregnant with me when she was 43. I was the youngest of 6 children and she calls me the odd time still to this day her bumper package because of the age gap between my siblings and I. It ranges from 21 years between myself and the oldest two (twins) right down to 8 between my sister and I who is the 2nd youngest.

We all get on like a house on fire! My sister and I are the best of friends now. The age gap seems to close the older people get. I am the same with the others, we meet up for drinks in the pub, and get on brilliant!

So, please think about your options long and carefully. You might not like this option, but would you maybe concider adoption? You said it yourself that life isn't fair, with couples not able to conceive and you did. Maybe the baby would bring happiness into another couples life?

Whatever you decide to do, you know that it will be the right decision for you. Don't rush into anything. The best of luck with everything!

Dudess

Aw that's amazing - brilliant stuff OP!

Zaph

Goldenegg wrote: »

My mam got pregnant with me when she was 43. I was the youngest of 6 children and she calls me the odd time still to this day her bumper package because of the age gap between my siblings and I. It ranges from 21 years between myself and the oldest two (twins) right down to 8 between my sister and I who is the 2nd youngest.

We all get on like a house on fire! My sister and I are the best of friends now. The age gap seems to close the older people get. I am the same with the others, we meet up for drinks in the pub, and get on brilliant!

So, please think about your options long and carefully. You might not like this option, but would you maybe concider adoption? You said it yourself that life isn't fair, with couples not able to conceive and you did. Maybe the baby would bring happiness into another couples life?

Whatever you decide to do, you know that it will be the right decision for you. Don't rush into anything. The best of luck with everything!

Goldenegg, had you read beyond the first post you would have seen that the OP had her baby during the summer and all are doing well.

barleybooley

I'm so happy to hear it all worked out for you and that you're happy OP, it's actually kind of cool to have a "twelve months later" story, kind of like at the end of films.

All the best!

How Strange

Aw that put a smile on my face at 7.45am! So happy it worked out well for you and your family and congrats on your new baby boy.

dolphin city

all I will say is this .....don't let being a catholic influence your decision on what you want to do. After all that has been exposed I don't think you should be listening to their "rules and regulations for the general population" when they did exactly what they wanted themselves and broke every "rule" in the book. also remember they can change the rules themselves whenever the want - (purgatory is real......no its not - it was all a lie). If you are a catholic in your heart you will always be one so ignore what the men in black are telling you.

good luck.

bubbaloo

dolphin city wrote: »

all I will say is this .....don't let being a catholic influence your decision on what you want to do. After all that has been exposed I don't think you should be listening to their "rules and regulations for the general population" when they did exactly what they wanted themselves and broke every "rule" in the book. also remember they can change the rules themselves whenever the want - (purgatory is real......no its not - it was all a lie). If you are a catholic in your heart you will always be one so ignore what the men in black are telling you.

good luck.

Dolphin - read above. The OP was posted last year and the baby was born this summer - all is well!

Jenneke87

I´m so happy for you. I couldn´t help but thinking how lucky your child is! Glad to hear you are coping well, and enjoy every moment of your new arrival

carolinespring

Your story put a smile on my face, what a lovely happy ending. Wishing Baby PS a long and happy life.

Overheal

Im glad that worked out as hoped for Best of luck!