Do we value our relationships?

SarahSassy

Just on foot of reading another post where the girl had broken up with her 'perfect man' and a 1.5 year relationship to go travelling? Do you agree with this? I personally dont. I think sometimes people place to little value on god relationships and let them go too easily? Any opinions?

Elba101

Well he obviously wasn't perfect or else she wouldn't have brokn up with him? Maybe she felt he was holding her back from doing everything thatshe wanted to do so she had to call it off?

If he's perfect you'll do whatever it takes to stay together.

SarahSassy

I dont agree. I do think people can and do finish great relationships to go travelling etc and I often wonder if these people do find happiness later on. I know how hard it is to find a good relationship so i would be very slow to throw one away just to go away for a year.

The Big Red Button

But what if she'd chosen not to go travelling just to stay with him? If travelling was something she'd always wanted to do, long before she'd met him? Would she really be able to look back with no regrets, no matter how perfect the relationship was?

Also - I don't know the back-story at all here - but if he cared enough about her, surely he should encourage her to follow her dreams while she's young enough to do so.

I'm not a big believer in fate etc, but if they are that perfect for each other then it would make sense that they might get back together sometime in the future, and they might both be more ready to settle down then.

I hate this idea that relationships are the be-all and end-all in life. Which probably sounds totally ridiculous, coming from someone who's twenty-four and engaged. :rolleyes: But I can honestly say that if I didn't feel I could be completely happy on my own, then I couldn't be in a relationship.

Elba101

Well, come back to me in a year or so and ill let you know:o

SarahSassy

Elba101 wrote: »

Well, come back to me in a year or so and ill let you know:o

Well I do hope it all works for you and was not digging at you. My friend broke up with her bf recently cos he wants to go travelling next year. She is absolutely crazy about him and vice versa but he has this 'need' to go... I just dont think young people (and now I sound so old) realise that relationship are not 10 a penny when you get older and while a relationship may not be the 'be all and end all', then neither is travelling.

G-Money

Some people just tend to go from one relationship to another, so I guess they might not fret too much when one ends. I'm not exactly sure how they do that. I guess they could be incredibly lucky to constantly meet the perfect new person after they finish with someone else, or maybe they don't have that high a standard in certain respects or just can't handle being single.

I'm guessing it's tough to be in a long distance relationship and I'm guessing part of the reason people end it is so that they can see other people when they are away. It's not a nice thing to think of them doing, but it's either that or cheat.

Wibbs

Elba101 wrote: »

If he's perfect you'll do whatever it takes to stay together.

True but no one perfect at least not after the initial buzz is gone. men and women are more likely to go walkabout at 3 years when they may love someone than they are at 6 months when they're in love with someone. The "perfect" man or woman is a bit different at 6 months in compared to 6 years in. Hormonally and all that stuff, the love chemicals drop anywhere between 2 and 4 years(sometimes earlier, rarely later). They can actually measure it and it seems that's the human reproductive mating cycle.

Look at RI. Look at breakup threads or threads of the "I'm not sure how I feel anymore" persuasion. The overwhelming pattern you will see is for that to happen at 2/3/4 years. It's almost a rule.

For the vast majority love beyond that is a very different kettle of fish. At its best its based on mutual respect, friendship, intimacy and equality. Many times its just based on habit and interdependence though. Or a feeling that ones options are limited, or the notion of settling down. I do believe love exists. Very much so. I just think it's a very small word for all the flavours it has though. And few enough make it work for the healthy benefit of both.

It's one reason I would rarely take love advice from someone in love in that time period. We all tend to forget ourselves and the objective angle in that stage. I do listen to those who have made it to 10 years. Big diff.

Wibbs

grandmaster wrote: »

Some people just tend to go from one relationship to another, so I guess they might not fret too much when one ends. I'm not exactly sure how they do that. I guess they could be incredibly lucky to constantly meet the perfect new person after they finish with someone else, or maybe they don't have that high a standard in certain respects or just can't handle being single.

I think people are very variable in the ability to reset the love switch.

At one extrem we all know people who were with someone a year ago and they were the "one" and it went south and now they're with someone new who is an even bigger "one" than the previous. I do think it's a self delusion. But a useful and healthy one for the most part.

Then there are others at the other end of the scale who find they can't reset the love switch. I would be at that extreme. Been in love twice with over a decade between them and after the last one I reckon it will be a very long time before it happens again. That's much less healthy than the serial love types IMHO.

I would say IME that as a general thing women tend more to be the first kind than the second. They're more emotionally fluid and indeed robust.

That said most people are somewhere in the middle.

opinion guy

Interesting thread.
I think this comes down to maturity to an extent. I think that there is a certain list of things in many peoples head as to things they are supposed to do. Get a job, get a relationship, get house, travel, etc etc.

I think thou some people just don't realsie that when they meet a good person and half a good relationship, they simply don't realise how lucky they are. Some people fall into these things, others spend years lookign for them in vain. When the ones who spent years looking finally find the person they want they value it. When those who have fallen into it look at their little checklist and realise they haven't travelled they don't realise how rare their relatioship is. They go travelling thinking either they will get their relationship back or they will merely fall into another relationship. ITs only when years later things don't work out the way they imagined they realise the true value of what they threw away. IMHO

Snowie

Wibbs wrote: »

For the vast majority love beyond that is a very different kettle of fish. At its best its based on mutual respect, friendship, intimacy and equality.
Many times its just based on habit and interdependence though. Or a feeling that ones options are limited, or the notion of settling down.

I dunno if this makes any sense but hopefully it will
are you kinda talking about wants and need's?

Look, the grass is always greener.

If she doesn't go traveling to stay with this man, she will regret it, and she could end up resenting him.

If she goes traveling, she will miss him and wonder if she did the right thing.

She can't win!

Personally, I know it's sad, but I do believe that if they're meant to be it will work out for them - and for the better - because she will have lived her dream and will never have those regrets. I think she is doing the right thing.

SarahSassy

opinion guy wrote: »

I think thou some people just don't realsie that when they meet a good person and half a good relationship, they simply don't realise how lucky they are. Some people fall into these things, others spend years lookign for them in vain. When the ones who spent years looking finally find the person they want they value it. When those who have fallen into it look at their little checklist and realise they haven't travelled they don't realise how rare their relatioship is. They go travelling thinking either they will get their relationship back or they will merely fall into another relationship. ITs only when years later things don't work out the way they imagined they realise the true value of what they threw away. IMHO

This is exactly what I was trying to get at...

Wibbs

Snow-Monkey wrote: »

I dunno if this makes any sense but hopefully it will
are you kinda talking about wants and need's?

Kinda yea. In some ways falling in love is a dodgy way of kicking off a lifetime commitment. Yes you do make subconscious and conscious decisions based on many things at that stage, but you also ignore the sometimes glaringly obvious because the blood is up. Another thing I've noted over the years is that the things that niggle but that you ignore when in love are 9 times outa 10 the things that will break you up or make a relationship hard work when that phase passes.

On a basic level we pair bond for reproduction and social status and simple company. They're the basic needs. That's fine, but to have something more than the ordinary, more than the couples you see wandering around glazed eyed in B&Q at the weekend dragging kids behind them, you need something more. I think that something starts with the individual and then and only then can it engage with another individual.

dudara

Wibbs wrote: »

I do listen to those who have made it to 10 years. Big diff.

Damn right!

I do genuinely believe that you will go the distance for a good relationship. I won't say 'perfect' because no relationship is perfect. But when it is good, you will fight tooth and nail for it.

Wibbs is right when he says that there is an itchy point in a relationship at 2/3/4 years. It will happen at a different point for everyone, but it does happen. You have to find a way to work through that itchy point together. You may come through it or you may not, but it's part of the natural evolution of a relationship.

My OH and I have been going out for over 10 years now. I was relatively young (21) when we started and we did hit that 'rough patch' a few years in (coinciding with my 25 year theory, see below). Since then, our relationship is different - and better. It's the second phase of the relationship - the phase that is capable of going the distance.

I don't want to sound dismissive here but based on my experience to date, (personal, friends and family, and years of moderating PI), I think that emotional maturity doesn't really develop until about 25 in most people. Up to that point, things are more fluid and subject to change.

Wibbs

I'd agree with the 25 theory alright. If I was looking to settle down as a broad rule I wouldnt date or get really into a woman until she was 25 +. 29 would be a good age. Much less likely to get the itchy feet at 3 years, or if she did would be both more mature to see it for what it was and/or aware that it's time to píss or get off the pot. I recall an ex of mine many moons ago that was torn between two men(not me BTW:D) at 28 and I said neither are exactly right for you. they're both ok but just not enough. Her answer? I'm tired of looking. Sadly though in that example I suspect that will haunt her down the line. Thats just from the guy side. I would say for women again in general if you're looking for it to really last then a guy over 30 is a better bet for much the same reasons.

allandanyways

Are we just talking about when somebody breaks up a relationship in order to go travelling or also when someone goes travelling on their own when they're in a good relationship?

If it's the former, I think that if you want to be single going travelling, then perhaps the relationship wasn't that good in the first place. If you are really and truly in love with a person, and you have a great relationship and you don't think that you could ever feel that way about anyone else, then why would you break up with someone just so you could have a few meaningless encounters whilst travelling? Sure, you'll both be lonely and miss each other but I don't understand why someone would actually break up a great relationship with a great future, just so not "to have to hassle" of a relationship whilst travelling.

In the case of the latter, I think that if the relationship is really strong, and the two people truly love each other and want the best for each other, then there's no need to break up the relationship. My friend's brother went to Australia for 2 years and managed to maintain his relationship with his girlfriend, who he'd been seeing for a year before he left, but he felt this "need" to go to Australia and she couldn't afford to leave her job. He's been back for a year now and they're engaged and reckons the time apart was the best thing that ever happened to them, as hard as it was at the time. (And he didn't cheat on her while he was away, big mouth friends claimed he was chatted up so many times but he was having none of it. For two years. Cos he loved her that much.)

I'm moving to Spain in Sept 2010 for a year, I have to in order to improve my fluency before I approach a masters. I've been with my OH for nearly 2 years and have no plans as of yet to break things up with him just so I can be single in Spain. I love him too much and to be without him, as in to not have him as my boyfriend, would be even worse than not being with him every day. We have a great relationship and I can't see myself having anything better with anybody else so what would be the point in breaking up with him just because I won't be with him every day?

Wibbs

dudara wrote: »

Wibbs is right when he says that there is an itchy point in a relationship at 2/3/4 years. It will happen at a different point for everyone, but it does happen. You have to find a way to work through that itchy point together. You may come through it or you may not, but it's part of the natural evolution of a relationship.

Very much so. I feel that if I had known that to the degree I know it now years ago, I would likely be in a 10 year relationship now, with at least two, maybe three women*. It's one of my biggest Doh!s and regrets. It's a very very big issue.

If I could transfer my mind to that wibbs of all those years ago(actually not even that many years), then I would have been as close as "perfect" a partner for those people. That's the irony of life at times though. Now I do know, but am very wary and meh about ever putting that into practice again. Then again if only once I help someone that was like me in life or in something like RI not to make that same mistake I reckon it's worth something.

*ehhh no. That doesn't read right!:eek::eek::D I mean with one woman out of those three.:D

dudara

Couldn't agree with you more Wibbs. Himself and myself worked it out togetherand got to where we are today together. We were lucky to have each other and lucky to be aware enough.

Like yourself, if I can make one person in PI/RI take a step back and look at things in a different manner, then that's a job well done.

opinion guy

Deleted User wrote: »

If she doesn't go traveling to stay with this man, she will regret it, and she could end up resenting him.

If she goes traveling, she will miss him and wonder if she did the right thing.

To some extent I agree, in that the desire to go travelling may be driven by various triggers that may well demand to be satified. But they could always go travelling together.

dudara wrote: »

I don't want to sound dismissive here but based on my experience to date, (personal, friends and family, and years of moderating PI), I think that emotional maturity doesn't really develop until about 25 in most people. Up to that point, things are more fluid and subject to change.

Hahaha - I have a similar theory althou in mine its more the late 20's theory. I'm thinking 28+ is more like it

allandanyways wrote: »

Are we just talking about when somebody breaks up a relationship in order to go travelling or also when someone goes travelling on their own when they're in a good relationship?

If it's the former, I think that if you want to be single going travelling, then perhaps the relationship wasn't that good in the first place. If you are really and truly in love with a person, and you have a great relationship and you don't think that you could ever feel that way about anyone else, then why would you break up with someone just so you could have a few meaningless encounters whilst travelling? Sure, you'll both be lonely and miss each other but I don't understand why someone would actually break up a great relationship with a great future, just so not "to have to hassle" of a relationship whilst travelling.

In the case of the latter, I think that if the relationship is really strong, and the two people truly love each other and want the best for each other, then there's no need to break up the relationship. My friend's brother went to Australia for 2 years and managed to maintain his relationship with his girlfriend, who he'd been seeing for a year before he left, but he felt this "need" to go to Australia and she couldn't afford to leave her job. He's been back for a year now and they're engaged and reckons the time apart was the best thing that ever happened to them, as hard as it was at the time. (And he didn't cheat on her while he was away, big mouth friends claimed he was chatted up so many times but he was having none of it. For two years. Cos he loved her that much.)

I'm moving to Spain in Sept 2010 for a year, I have to in order to improve my fluency before I approach a masters. I've been with my OH for nearly 2 years and have no plans as of yet to break things up with him just so I can be single in Spain. I love him too much and to be without him, as in to not have him as my boyfriend, would be even worse than not being with him every day. We have a great relationship and I can't see myself having anything better with anybody else so what would be the point in breaking up with him just because I won't be with him every day?

Hmmm I'm a massive skeptic on LDR's. Now in your case it seems like it could work. As in you are going out a long time and it has a defined time limit from the start. Thats framework you guys can work with. But your 2 years in Australia friend ? I'm massively skeptical about that. One thing I notice you didn't comment on - did she cheat on him when he was away ?

Snowie

dudara wrote: »

I don't want to sound dismissive here but based on my experience to date, (personal, friends and family, and years of moderating PI), I think that emotional maturity doesn't really develop until about 25 in most people. Up to that point, things are more fluid and subject to change.

i think thats very true +1

Gauge

Not sure how qualified I am to comment on this as I've never really been in a situation where I've broken up with someone I loved to go travelling. I did break up with a boyfriend of one year before going away for the summer but that would have happened anyway- although, I'd been planning the trip for most of our time together and his reaction to that was one of several warning signs that we were never going to be compatible in the long term.

I'll admit that my attitude has been that I will never miss opportunities like travelling over a boyfriend, but I'll also admit that this attitude is open to change if I ever meet someone special enough to change it for. So far though, I treasure my memories and experiences of travelling with friends more than any man I've ever been with.

I think another reason that I have this attitude is due to seeing a fair few of my friends missing out on, and ultimately regretting things that they did or didn't do because of a man that was in their life at the time. That trip I went on just after breaking up with my boyfriend? I was supposed to go with another friend who backed out at the last minute because she couldn't bear to leave the guy she was seeing behind. Sadly, he dumped her less than a month later. I've seen her postpone and cancel and miss out on quite a few opportunities since then, always because of a guy, and I couldn't live like that, so I don't.

Went off on a bit of a tangent there- to get back on topic, I don't think anyone can judge or over/underestimate the value of another person's relationship. If travel is more important to someone than being in a relationship- even if the person is their soulmate or perfect match or whatever- than that's just the way it is. There's always the risk that you'll regret leaving the person- but who's to say you won't regret staying with them either?

I've always dreamed about other countries and new places to see as opposed to weddings or soulmates, so for now it is a dealbreaker for me. Other people may feel different and that's what works for them, and like I said, I may change my mind some day about it. But so far I don't regret anything.

SarahSassy

Hi all - I suppose I mean why do people dispose of good relationships for what I see as less than important reasons. Its not only limited to someone going travelling.

Gauge

Reasons for ending a relationship vary in importance and complexity from person to person. Just because you see a "good relationship" as being more important than say, travel, or whatever, doesn't mean everyone else sees it the same way.

shellyboo

SarahSassy wrote: »

Hi all - I suppose I mean why do people dispose of good relationships for what I see as less than important reasons. Its not only limited to someone going travelling.

I guess it's just that relationships aren't as important to some people as they are to others. My personal relationships (friends, family and partners) are THE most important things in my life, with no exceptions. That can often be a negative thing for me actually, as I sacrifice some things for the sake of other people in my life that I probably shouldn't.

Other people are better able to put themselves first - I actually think that's the right way to be, in a way. There's no point limiting yourself.

Faith

I went through a slightly rocky patch recently with my OH. There were a couple of issues upsetting me. I was telling someone about it and they said "Oh you really don't sound happy. You should break up with him". I was so shocked! What kind of an attitude is that to have? "Oh, things are rocky, let's just break up rather than work through them." My relationship and my OH mean more to me what I could put in words. If there's an issue, we're damn well going to work through it and do our very best to make things work. I'm not going to throw it all away on a trivial issue.

So yes, I do think people give up too easily. Relationships are not supposed to be disposible. The divorce rate is what? 50% these days? When you marry someone, it's supposed to be for life. Do all that 50% of couples really have issues so insurmountable that they can't work past them? I know, of course, that plenty of couples have perfectly valid reasons for divorce, and it's the best thing for them, but I think a culture has been created where we think that relationships are as disposible as Penney's clothes. I know how difficult it was to meet my OH, I'm under no illusions that it would be easy to meet another partner.

Incidentally, my OH and I worked through our issues and came out stronger on the other side. Of course there's still imperfections in the relationship, but nothing we can't get past with a bit of work (yet anyway!).

MAB83

I wouldn't throw away my 2 year relationship with my girlfriend for anything. However that's because I've done the travelling thing, I've done the slutting around, I've had my fun. If she came along 3 years ago as perfect as she is maybe I would have broken up with her to go travelling because I needed to do it. And what if I was with someone at the time and stayed with her but I resented her because I've always wanted to travel? So if someone has it in their head that they want to travel the world for a year or two and break up with their partner because of it I don't see a problem with it. Yes maybe they will regret it down the line, I'm sure many do but people need to do what they need to do in life too.

Then again I'm 26/almost 27 and haven't spent years and years looking for "the one" so maybe I'm not as jaded as a lot of people are and see the whole thing differently. My relationship is the most important thing in my life but I got the rest out of the way first before I met her so if someone breaks up with their partner because they need to live their dream then I would never judge them, you can't put your life on hold for someone no matter how great they are. Life is there to live, the world is there to see.

allandanyways

opinion guy wrote: »

Hmmm I'm a massive skeptic on LDR's. Now in your case it seems like it could work. As in you are going out a long time and it has a defined time limit from the start. Thats framework you guys can work with. But your 2 years in Australia friend ? I'm massively skeptical about that. One thing I notice you didn't comment on - did she cheat on him when he was away ?

Sorry I was just commenting on him being away and that it would have been easier for him to play away in another country, but no, she didn't cheat on him either. She's a gorgeous girl and got chatted up constantly when she went out but even when she was off her face hammered, all she would ever talk about was her boyfriend and how she couldn't wait till he got back.

100% agree with Faith in that I think people give up on relationships too easily and sometimes for stupid stuff.

But in relation to whichever poster said that they've "done their slutting around", I don't think everybody needs to do that. Obviously the majority of people have experiences, be they sexual or realtionship experiences before they find the partner that they settle down with, but personally, I feel no need to "slut around" at any point in my life. I'm extremely grateful for the amazing guy that I have, and the thoughts of moving away and sleeping with loads of random people just to have the experience appeals to me about as much as a root canal tbh. I know the post wasn't directed at me but just thought I'd point that out, I really don't like that view of having to ride loads of people before you're 25 to have "life experience".

SarahSassy

Gauge wrote: »

Reasons for ending a relationship vary in importance and complexity from person to person. Just because you see a "good relationship" as being more important than say, travel, or whatever, doesn't mean everyone else sees it the same way.

Well I guess its just cos I am older and I know how hard it is to find someone special.

I also dont understand why people say they might resent their oh's if they didnt travel - surely its your own decision so why resent them?

MAB83

SarahSassy wrote: »

Well I guess its just cos I am older and I know how hard it is to find someone special.

I also dont understand why people say they might resent their oh's if they didnt travel - surely its your own decision so why resent them?

Because you may have stayed for them. It's not their fault, it's yours but a lot of people don't do the travel thing because they don't want to let go of their partners, hence they might end up resenting them. But that's their problem for making the decision, not the partner.

SarahSassy

OK so they resent them because they dont take responsibility for their own decisions.

MAB83

SarahSassy wrote: »

OK so they resent them because they dont take responsibility for their own decisions.

:rolleyes: That's not what I said.

Say you've always wanted to go to Australia, it's been your dream for years and you start saving up to go but someone amazing comes along before that and you fall madly in love and don't want to leave them.

Then a few months down the line or a couple of years later or whatever you look back and think you really should have went, it would have been a trip of a lifetime etc. And you know the only reason why you didn't go is because you stayed with your partner.

That's why you might resent them or the relationship a little. Not in a huge way that it should break you up but you'd always wonder about what you could have done.

I just don't think it's an easy decision to make and I can understand someone who picks the option of not going and staying with their partner that maybe they might resent them a little bit because they didn't go for their dream. Like I said, it's the person's choice but it's not an easy one to make and there could be doubts I'm sure, no matter how amazing the relationship is.

Are you saying you'd be happy just to stay with your boyfriend and forget all your dreams? Surely not. There'll always be some form of resentment if you gave something up for them.

SarahSassy

MAB83 wrote: »

Say you've always wanted to go to Australia, it's been your dream for years and you start saving up to go but someone amazing comes along before that and you fall madly in love and don't want to leave them.

Thats what I said....

I was that soldier and never blamed him - it was my choice.

beks101

MAB83 wrote: »

Say you've always wanted to go to Australia, it's been your dream for years and you start saving up to go but someone amazing comes along before that and you fall madly in love and don't want to leave them.
...

Are you saying you'd be happy just to stay with your boyfriend and forget all your dreams?

To completely generalise and take a black-and-white approach for a second, I think there are two types of people.

There are those who meet Mr Amazing and that's it, every other plan is trivial. And then there are those who are going to follow through with their plans no matter what happens.

I know both types - I have a work colleague who had planned to go travelling for a year but 'can't now because of Brian'. She doesn't feel she's missing out; she admits herself she couldn't live without the guy.

Then I have an old friend who has been globe trotting for the past four years, has had two or three serious relationships in that time but none of which blighted her plans.

I used to think the latter was inherently selfish and the very notion that she could seemingly 'dispose' of a relationship to move onto her next adventure was cold-hearted and shallow.

But I don't know. I sort of admire that. She's had some incredible experiences and equally some fantastic relationships.

I think it's not just a mindset, but also where you are in your life that determines these things. Some people see themselves settling with a partner a lot earlier in life than others.

Elba101

Deleted User wrote: »

Look, the grass is always greener.

If she doesn't go traveling to stay with this man, she will regret it, and she could end up resenting him.

If she goes traveling, she will miss him and wonder if she did the right thing.

She can't win!

Personally, I know it's sad, but I do believe that if they're meant to be it will work out for them - and for the better - because she will have lived her dream and will never have those regrets. I think she is doing the right thing.

Totally with ya on this one. In a relationship you have to make sacrifices but it shouldn't feel like a regret.

pikachucheeks

I think there are definitely people who take their relationships and their other half for granted. They don't place the value on their relationship that they possibly should.
So many people are unhappy in life because of bad relationships, bad break ups, being single ... So those who are fortunate enough to be in a solid relationship with someone who they love, who loves them back, should be very grateful. It's not an easy thing to find!

SarahSassy wrote: »

I do think people can and do finish great relationships to go travelling etc

It happens all the time. And my thoughts are totally divided on the issue!

Part of me feels, "It's a shame they've broken up, they were a good match"
A solid relationship is hard to come across and sometimes, people don't value how precious that was until it's too late.

Another part of me feels life is for living. It's your life and ultimately, you have a do what makes you happy. If a person wants to go away, travelling, and decides that being single during that time is more important to them than being in a relationship, then that's their decision.
It's not ... not valuing their relationship, it's just valuing their own personal wants and needs more.

SarahSassy wrote: »

I know how hard it is to find a good relationship so i would be very slow to throw one away just to go away for a year.

I feel the same. Personally, if I found myself in a strong relationship, I wouldn't give it up unless I had a very good reason to. It's not easy to find someone you can be totally comfortable with, it's not easy to find someone who can make you really happy and who you know you can trust and rely on, no matter what.

I plan on travelling after college. If I met someone between now and then and got into a relationship, I'd rather ask them to come with me, than break up.
But I do respect that sometimes, people can feel that to really experience travelling and seeing the world, they have to be single and free.

opinion guy

opinion guy wrote: »

Hmmm I'm a massive skeptic on LDR's. Now in your case it seems like it could work. As in you are going out a long time and it has a defined time limit from the start. Thats framework you guys can work with. But your 2 years in Australia friend ? I'm massively skeptical about that. One thing I notice you didn't comment on - did she cheat on him when he was away ?

That's a bit sad. I started going out with my OH just a few months before he had to move away for a year. Initially I was just going to leave it and 'see what happened' but eventually we both realised we didn't want anyone else. Saying that, if we had just said 'let's see how it goes' undoubtedly we both would have scored randomers or got into other relationships, serious or not, and it might well have ruined things. It's always a gamble. People you get on well with and feel that strongly about do not come along every day. Not for me anyway. This way at least both of us got a year of doing what we wanted work wise, seeing another country (I was abroad as well), living our lives but without throwing away the relationship. It has been far from ideal, but I wasn't willing to take the chance of losing him. If we end up breaking up further down the line, then I won't have feel I missed out on anything. I can honestly say I have not been tempted to cheat once.

It's not as rare as you might think. My old Spanish teacher met a guy the day before she moved over to Ireland for 2 years. They kept things going for all that time and now they're married with a baby.

MJOR

I think these days a lot of people want it all. They want the house the car and the perfect relationship. I think they also have a life plan maybe that they think they need to stick to, and i think that sometimes they think that relationships are at the end of their priorities because that is how society seems sometimes.

Personally for me i think the best relationships that you have are the ones that you're committed to and work at. In them you have to make small sacrafices so i guess it depends on how important travelling or work or what ever else is ultimately

Notorious

Deleted User wrote: »

Look, the grass is always greener.
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.
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She can't win!

I didn't read the OP, but it sounds like she could win; not break up with her boyfriend, and go travelling without him?

My girlfriend is currently working in another country and there's no definite time on how long she's going to be over there; it could be 6 months, a year or more. There was no talk of us breaking up at all.

I don't feel the need to be single and free just because my girlfriend is away. But each to their own. I suppose it is understandable if someone wants to be un-hitched while they travel the world or go to study abroad.

IMO if they were prepared to break up a relationship for whatever reason, then they couldn't honestly have been madly into the relationship.

Notorious

Notorious wrote: »

I didn't read the OP, but it sounds like she could win; not break up with her boyfriend, and go travelling without him?
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Totally agree, but that may not be an option, on his part, I don't know the ins and outs of it.

opinion guy

[quote=[Deleted User];63135828]That's a bit sad. [/quote]

Huh? Why ?

I started going out with my OH just a few months before he had to move away for a year. Initially I was just going to leave it and 'see what happened' but eventually we both realised we didn't want anyone else. Saying that, if we had just said 'let's see how it goes' undoubtedly we both would have scored randomers or got into other relationships, serious or not, and it might well have ruined things. It's always a gamble. People you get on well with and feel that strongly about do not come along every day. Not for me anyway. This way at least both of us got a year of doing what we wanted work wise, seeing another country (I was abroad as well), living our lives but without throwing away the relationship. It has been far from ideal, but I wasn't willing to take the chance of losing him. If we end up breaking up further down the line, then I won't have feel I missed out on anything. I can honestly say I have not been tempted to cheat once.

Well good for you. Is he still away ? Personally I know of one long distance relationship that worked out. All the rest were unmitigated disasters. I'm sorry I really don't mean to talk down your experience, its just that the people in those LDR's always said what you just said before it all went wrong.

It's not as rare as you might think. My old Spanish teacher met a guy the day before she moved over to Ireland for 2 years. They kept things going for all that time and now they're married with a baby.

If you mean LDR's are not rare, then I agree. But if you mean its not that rare for them to work out then I majorly disagree.

but that said - i wish you luck

How Strange

SarahSassy wrote: »

Just on foot of reading another post where the girl had broken up with her 'perfect man' and a 1.5 year relationship to go travelling? Do you agree with this? I personally dont. I think sometimes people place to little value on god relationships and let them go too easily? Any opinions?

I think that's a very general question and statement.

Age has alot to do with it. If a 18-24 year old asked me if they should leave their 'perfect partner' of 1.5 years to go travelling I'd probably say yes, definitely go and experience a bit of life.

If they were 25-29, then it would be down to the individual circumstances.

If 29+ and it was a great relationship then I'd be inclined to say be careful not to throw away something great which you mightn't get again.

As you get older (29+) it definitely gets harder to meet people because most people are already in relationships and starting relationships is more complicated but in your early to mid 20's then there's lots of opportunity for new relationships.

Seonad

grandmaster wrote: »

I'm guessing it's tough to be in a long distance relationship and I'm guessing part of the reason people end it is so that they can see other people when they are away. It's not a nice thing to think of them doing, but it's either that or cheat.

That's a bit of a blanket statement don't ya think?

Puddleduck

I understand where the other posters are saying that they think it comes down to age whether a person will end a realationship to go travelling, but I think its actually more down to the person rather than what age they are. Its a persons personal values that will determine if a person weighs up the pros and cons and recognises how valuable a person is/isnt. Im 25 and I value my partner. I wanted to travel but recognised how valuable and rare my other half is. I know Id find it very hard (if not impossible) to find someone that I gel with as well as I do with him. I know if I did end things the 'what ifs' would haunt me forever.
I think thats down to my personal values rather than my age. I think like someone else said here people view realationships as disposable and dont recognise when theyre on to something good. I think thats just the way things are at the moment. I find that a lot more people cheat now, since they want the fun of being single but the stability of a realationship. I also think that peoples expectations of realationships is far too high. Anyone that goes into a realationship without thinking there will be hard times is naieve

SeekUp

Several people have said something along the lines of "life is worth living" and you should go out and do while you can go out and do. I agree with the sentiment . . . but that also seems to trivialize the other option. Who says that staying with your significant other, or forgoing your traveling plans isn't "living"? It might not be as exciting as seeing new places and experiencing a different culture, but if you really feel a connection with someone, truly experiencing a person is just as noteworthy. It's a different kind of satisfying. And it is most definitely "living", it is an active choice -- just a different one.

I don't always think that people don't value their relationships (although I agree that we've gotten into a mentality where people are just as disposable as everything else in our lives). I just think that people weigh their relationships on a scale against what they ultimately want/need. Sometimes what they have isn't worth what they want to go out and get. Sometimes they're right. Other times they're wrong. But sometimes you can't see the forest for the trees, y'know?

P.S. LDRs are extremely hard. But you grow in a completely different way from it. And if it works, it's that much stronger for it.

Kya1976

It's obviously not a top priority to be in a relationship for everyone. I dont see a problem with that at all.

I get what the op is saying though that ppl don't value them but I dont know if I agree, ppl make choices that suits them at the time.

opinion guy

opinion guy wrote: »

Huh? Why ?

Because you're pretty much implying that guy MUST have cheated.

Well good for you. Is he still away ? Personally I know of one long distance relationship that worked out. All the rest were unmitigated disasters. I'm sorry I really don't mean to talk down your experience, its just that the people in those LDR's always said what you just said before it all went wrong.

He's back in a few weeks. Personally I know many LDRs that have worked out, including a few people who were on Erasmus, which to me is the ultimate 'party, have fun' time. I know of quite a few that haven't worked out, and every time it was either because one party didn't have their heart in it, or one or both were young and immature. One of my friends only lasted a month here in college before a guy started showing her attention and she dumped her long term, long distance boyfriend. IMO she obviously wasn't that into him in the first place if it was so easy to dump him. I was pretty shocked at how easily led away she was, to be honest. I've had much more chasing than that without even thinking about leaving/cheating.

If you mean LDR's are not rare, then I agree. But if you mean its not that rare for them to work out then I majorly disagree.

but that said - i wish you luck

Well, that's the people you know. From what I've seen it's maybe 50/50 at least. But not all LDRs are the same - if it's indefinite or very long term, that's different to 6 months or a year. And even then, I have a friend who was with his Taiwanese girlfriend for 3 years before he eventually was able to move over there.

miss_feminem

Isn't a relationship about compromise? There's thing my OH loves that I'm not mad about and vice versa, but we put in the effort to make each other happy.

Obv these are "small" things and moving abroad would be a bigger decision. But still, if he really wanted to go travelling (and we could afford it and get time off work, etc), then I'd go with him.