Punishing people.

Slumdog

With my friends, if I get any sense of disloyalty, I'll try punish them somehow and they'd barely know it's happening. Mostly trivial thing like lifts in the car etc. but sometimes pretty serious.
On a night out, if I know a girl is coming onto me, I get more satisfaction from leading her on for a bit and then rejecting her.. Even if she is really sound and good looking, knowing that I rejected her is a better feeling than getting with her.

I got an extremely tough time in school because of one horrific rumor/truth. I still had my circle of friends and they were mostly ok but everyone else was just evil. It has made me detest certain people and I was very suicidal back then. I used to daydream about killing the perpetrators, about destroying them instead of myself. I know I will get my revenge served cold someday and they will deserve it even 10 years later.. To this day, 5 years later, I still bear a grudge against everyone even though I'm in a different place, see different people and should have no reason to be like this. Back then I was unpopular, now I'm one of the most popular people I know. I used to be bad looking, now I am confident. I'm a cúnt at heart, my friends arn't.

I want to get rid of this thing in my life.. No one knows about it because it's not obvious but the things I'm missing out on because I'd rather hurt the other person is crazy. It's like the rejection I've had in the past from girls and old friends will never stop haunting me..

College changed everything, it's the best thing anyone can do except in my head, I still have this want to hurt. I want other people to feel how I did but I still want to be liked. I'm actually very good at it.. I feign attraction, I make plans and break them, I stop contact for months just so I know that they are left wanting and I'm not.


So unhealthy and so unnecessary.

Kevster

i understand what you're going through, but there are ways to alter your way of thinking. Firstly, you could try to start replying to people here in this forum and be attentive/helpful towards them. There are many people out there with problems, and devoting your time to them can be rewarding. I have clocked up 17000+ posts on a different mental health website for helping people.

You dont have to be cruel and vindictive.

Kevin

Snowie

Slumdog wrote: »

With my friends, if I get any sense of disloyalty, I'll try punish them somehow and they'd barely know it's happening. Mostly trivial thing like lifts in the car etc. but sometimes pretty serious.
On a night out, if I know a girl is coming onto me, I get more satisfaction from leading her on for a bit and then rejecting her.. Even if she is really sound and good looking, knowing that I rejected her is a better feeling than getting with her.

I got an extremely tough time in school because of one horrific rumor/truth. I still had my circle of friends and they were mostly ok but everyone else was just evil. It has made me detest certain people and I was very suicidal back then. I used to daydream about killing the perpetrators, about destroying them instead of myself. I know I will get my revenge served cold someday and they will deserve it even 10 years later.. To this day, 5 years later, I still bear a grudge against everyone even though I'm in a different place, see different people and should have no reason to be like this. Back then I was unpopular, now I'm one of the most popular people I know. I used to be bad looking, now I am confident. I'm a cúnt at heart, my friends arn't.

I want to get rid of this thing in my life.. No one knows about it because it's not obvious but the things I'm missing out on because I'd rather hurt the other person is crazy. It's like the rejection I've had in the past from girls and old friends will never stop haunting me..

College changed everything, it's the best thing anyone can do except in my head, I still have this want to hurt. I want other people to feel how I did but I still want to be liked. I'm actually very good at it.. I feign attraction, I make plans and break them, I stop contact for months just so I know that they are left wanting and I'm not.


So unhealthy and so unnecessary.

so basically your angry at the people who made your life a living misserey.

yet with in your anger you make other people feel as bad, they may have never done anything to you.....

heres a thought think about the hard time, you got.

then think of the hard time you've given to people

is it similer ?

Yea


You know what they say, he who is bullied becomes a bully.

Its true i had a very rough time in school actually i got treated worse then a dog. But you know what.

all that hate i have for them is no longer hate

Its pitty that 45 year grown man had to bully a defenceless 12 year old....

but ya see i use that hate that loathing for something good motivating my self to be better then the people who treated me so badly.


I'd recomend one thing

Go seek profesional help.

theres no shame in it, Ive had to do it and am the better person from it as are many other people.

Slumdog

Kevster wrote: »

i understand what you're going through, but there are ways to alter your way of thinking. Firstly, you could try to start replying to people here in this forum and be attentive/helpful towards them. There are many people out there with problems, and devoting your time to them can be rewarding. I have clocked up 17000+ posts on a different mental health website for helping people.

You dont have to be cruel and vindictive.

Kevin

This might sound odd but I was always the shoulder for girls to cry on through the start of college.. I've done the nice guy thing for about 2 years and I think that's where my spite towards women comes from. Fickle creatures.
I love one girl and unfortunately she is the one who hurt me the most over the years.. We were so close for so long and together now and then.. We've drifted now because we were hurting each other. I still fantasize about her in a good way but then also in a horrible way where I make her suffer physically and mentally.

Snow-Monkey wrote: »

so basically your angry at the people who made your life a living misserey.

yet with in your anger you make other people feel as bad, they may have never done anything to you.....

heres a thought think about the hard time, you got.

then think of the hard time you've given to people

is it similer ?

Yea


You know what they say, he who is bullied becomes a bully.

Its true i had a very rough time in school actually i got treated worse then a dog. But you know what.

all that hate i have for them is no longer hate

Its pitty that 45 year grown man had to bully a defenceless 12 year old....

but ya see i use that hate that loathing for something good motivating my self to be better then the people who treated me so badly.


I'd recomend one thing

Go seek profesional help.

theres no shame in it, Ive had to do it and am the better person from it as are many other people.

I wouldn't count it similar in degrees of hurt but I see your point. What I do to people is much less than what was done to me.. I've never even been in a physical fight or given someone outright verbal abuse. I try play on peoples day to day stuff but only if they deserve it in some way.

I would agree with the statement "he who is bullied becomes a bully".. It's a chip on the shoulder that never fully goes away. I would give everything I own to have ten minutes with the guy from school.. I would destroy him, his face, his body, I would pay to him tortured, to have his tongue cut out. I can't express just how much I want his entire life to be in ruins for what he did. Maybe I do need to talk to someone about this time of my life.. 2 years off walking around school with a name being called by every single person from 1st year to 6th year. I don't fully blame the girl involved, she's just a retard who didn't realize what would happen.. but him, he knew exactly what would happen. I didn't actually do anything bad to the girl, I just told her something about myself which no one was meant to know. She has a shíte life now anyway so I'm happy.


I'm getting so worked up here thinking about something that happened 5-6 years ago.. I'm in tears thinking about it. I havn't lived in the place for 3 years or had to confront it. No one in my life now knows about it but yet I think about it regularly. I think I need to talk to someone outside of my life, a counsellor. I need to let it all out, my hate, my want for revenge, my want for their blood on the end of a knife. I will never do anything to them and it's for the best. I will never do anything to myself either except lose the people I genuinely care for if I keep being a cúnt to them.



Sorry for my ramblings, I don't even know what I'm trying to say here..... I wouldn't even know what to say to a counsellor. "I was bullied by an entire school, now I hate people". What is he meant to do with that like.

opinion guy

what exactly did these people do to you ?

you definitely need to speak to someone. your murder fantasies are frankly a little scary

Slumdog

It was a girl and 3 guys who were friends. I text her something, she spread it on and then my life was ruined. At home I had my parents separating and in school, I had the same shít every single day. I had nowhere to go.. I gave up on everything, I nearly feked up the leaving cert until a week before it when I crammed the entire thing and got my college course.

Fantasies are fantasies.. They're just in my head. It would be completely unnatural for me to not want to ruin him. I can't go into detail about the story in case by chance one of them is a poster on boards.

It's mad, none of my friends would even think I'm unhappy.. Shows you can never judge a book by it's cover.

Snowie

Slumdog wrote: »

I wouldn't count it similar in degrees of hurt but I see your point. What I do to people is much less than what was done to me.. I've never even been in a physical fight or given someone outright verbal abuse. I try play on peoples day to day stuff but only if they deserve it in some way.

I would agree with the statement "he who is bullied becomes a bully".. It's a chip on the shoulder that never fully goes away. I would give everything I own to have ten minutes with the guy from school.. I would destroy him, his face, his body, I would pay to him tortured, to have his tongue cut out. I can't express just how much I want his entire life to be in ruins for what he did. Maybe I do need to talk to someone about this time of my life.. 2 years off walking around school with a name being called by every single person from 1st year to 6th year. I don't fully blame the girl involved, she's just a retard who didn't realize what would happen.. but him, he knew exactly what would happen. I didn't actually do anything bad to the girl, I just told her something about myself which no one was meant to know. She has a shíte life now anyway so I'm happy.


I'm getting so worked up here thinking about something that happened 5-6 years ago.. I'm in tears thinking about it. I havn't lived in the place for 3 years or had to confront it. No one in my life now knows about it but yet I think about it regularly. I think I need to talk to someone outside of my life, a counsellor. I need to let it all out, my hate, my want for revenge, my want for their blood on the end of a knife. I will never do anything to them and it's for the best. I will never do anything to myself either except lose the people I genuinely care for if I keep being a cúnt to them.



Sorry for my ramblings, I don't even know what I'm trying to say here..... I wouldn't even know what to say to a counsellor. "I was bullied by an entire school, now I hate people". What is he meant to do with that like.

Its called venting.
Understandable.

I can see and undertand that hate that want to hurt some one and show them that its your turn to look down on them but its foolish, your letting the worst emotion, come out anger bye submiting to it and allowing your self to consume your self with hate your making your self worse feeling worse but coning your self bye thinking it makes you feel better.

But you don't...

Then il tel you how it goes when you decide your ready to actually take the bull bye the horns. But first of, There is nothing more satisfying in life then dealling with your probelms and being proud of your self.

You start to deal with the things that make you upset in your life slowly things come out you take things at your own pace. Eventually you talk about them and its easy but you really have to want to get better ..

you start to talk about how you felt, etc... and slowly you begin to counteract the negititivity with the fact that fully charged you could do very well for your self youve got bags of motivation with in you.

but well done on talking about it its the first step beleave you me

sorry if my last post sounded blunt.

Slumdog

Snow-Monkey wrote: »

Its called venting.
Understandable.

I can see and undertand that hate that want to hurt some one and show them that its your turn to look down on them but its foolish, your letting the worst emotion, come out anger bye submiting to it and allowing your self to consume your self with hate your making your self worse feeling worse but coning your self bye thinking it makes you feel better.

But you don't...

Then il tel you how it goes when you decide your ready to actually take the bull bye the horns. But first of, There is nothing more satisfying in life then dealling with your probelms and being proud of your self.

You start to deal with the things that make you upset in your life slowly things come out you take things at your own pace. Eventually you talk about them and its easy but you really have to want to get better ..

you start to talk about how you felt, etc... and slowly you begin to counteract the negititivity with the fact that fully charged you could do very well for your self youve got bags of motivation with in you.

but well done on talking about it its the first step beleave you me

sorry if my last post sounded blunt.

I do take solace from what I've done in my life.. I managed to get through college and am now in a good job. I know that they threw away everything they were given.

You mention dealing with problems, this is one I've avoided for years but I want to confront it now.
I've dealt with a bout of alcoholism before during college. I was drunk every single day by 1 o clock.. 7 days a week for about 8 months. Get up, drink my 4euro bottle of wine and a few cans while everyone was in college. Thank god for my ability to cram before an exam. Bereavement can be hard I guess but I got past it, just like I want to get past this.

I don't know if I will stop "punishing people".. but if I can get rid of my demons, I'd be happier.

LegacyUser

Hi OP,

You are really angry and understandably so. Anger can be a good thing -it alerts us to when we have been hurt or violated. You anger however is desructive and self destructive which is unhealthy. I understand what you are saying about your fantasies and maybe you are just expressing what is not socially acceptable to say but they are a little frightening. My view of your situation as you describe is that during school when all this bad stuff was happening to you - you were unable to get angry and therefore unable to protect yourself and took what was thrown at you without fighting back. Now you are older and you are getting in touch with all the anger you have repressed for so many years. Repressed anger can become rage. Before you turned it on yourself and not you are turning it on others. You want them to feel your painm hurt and torment. You mention other don't know how unhappy you are -thats a lonely place to be. Its like that child is you is crying out for someone to notice your pain. Definetely seek proefessional help. If you can be as open and honest with a counsellor as you have been here - it won't take long to get to the root of your issues. You know what it's like to be hurt so you know too well how to hurt others. You are hurting yourself too in all of this - so do it for yourself also aswell as those lives you wish to destroy. good luck.

beks101

I know you're not looking for sympathy, but Christ Slumdog, my heart goes out to you.

Those years at school are crucial and I know a few adults who are deeply unhappy and messed up because they haven't reconciled similar experiences at school, and relive them in their own way, on a daily basis.

One is a good friend with self esteem issues and an eating disorder, and the other is an older uncle who is an alcoholic and a deeply troubled man.

I'm not trying to scare you, but just to show you that you can never belittle or play down these sort of traumatic experiences - doing so will only add to your problems down the line. They rarely, if ever, just fade away.

From an outsider's perspective - you were put through hell on a daily basis by people who should have known better, at a time when you needed the opposite to develop as an emotionally healthy man. And you had a complete lack of a support system. Your friends should have stuck up for you more, and your parents should have spotted there was something wrong. This isn't an exercise in pointing-the-finger though: your parents were going through a separation, your friends were young etc...this is life, no-one said it was fair.

However, now the responsibility lies with you to finally confront everything and learn to re-programme your brain so you're not using these negative behaviours as a coping mechanism. Which, by the way, I think are not as dysfunctional as others have made out - you were wronged, and no-one ever apologised or recognised that. Of course you're going to feel vengeful, bitter, spiteful and full of rage. Jesus, it has to come out in some way.

I think you owe it to yourself to look into finding a counsellor. There's plenty of good advice on this forum in this area, and personally, I can say that psychotherapy was a massive turning point in helping me sift through my own issues and come out the other side.

It won't be easy or happen overnight, and may involve remembering upsetting incidents that you've kept in the back of your mind all these years, but in the long run it could be the best investment you ever make in your life.

Be honest and open with yourself. Good luck

Slumdog

Thanks satguest and beks, really good posts.. I've been re-reading what I've wrote over and over and I'm crying here for the last half an hour. A 22 year old lad crying about secondary school.. I havn't cried since my friend killed himself.

I think I'm genuinely going to seek a councillor. Even an hour of venting this to a person would be good... I feel like I want to scream it all out. This sentence struck a massive note with me beks.. "you were wronged, and no-one ever apologised or recognised that.". It's the truth of the situation, everyone has forgotten except me and no one who knows me now will find out. It's up to me to deal with it.


I'm going to stop posting about this, it's really upsetting me and I can hear the name being called over and over in my head.. The responses I've got have been excellent and as much as I don't like crying, it's good to get it out.

/Wanders back over to his main account.

Thanks.

jmbkay

Hurt people hurt people. You have started dealing with your feelings. The best of luck.

LegacyUser

OP

Do yourself a favour and see a counsellor. It's not like you cut your finger you need a professional who has a wealth of experience dealing in peoples lives and issues.

People are complicated yet inherently good. Don't underestimate these friends of yours who you think don't notice your subtle tactics. You are only 22 you have a whole and wonderful life ahead of you where you learn about the world and other people.

Talk through your issues sooner than later before it consumes you.


The very best of luck.