Messy situation - what to do?

LegacyUser

Have had a friends with benefits thing for nearly a year. Pretty much started with me liking him, dating him, realising we didn't have much in common and then drifting into a FWB scenario.
He lives close by and he always comes to mine and it's usually me who initiates it. For eg I might text him at 2am, he might reply, might not, but we usually end up getting together at some point in the day or two after, so it's not always about drink.

Anyway! Last weekend I was coming home from a nght out and texted him, no reply. Went home to bed. He rang the next morning, wanted to call over, I said grand he said he'd be there in 10 mins and never showed. Rang me during the week, got caught up in work. Whatever. So he said he'd ring me Friday.

So last night at about 11pm he sent me a text saying he was at a party and would be over later. I told him not a notion, I was going to bed. He rinfs at half one and is outside my door. I was pretty pissed off at him for not listening to me and also quite grumpy at being woken up. But i let him in.

So we get down to brass taxes but he wants me to give him oral and I didn't feel like it so he starts pushing my head down. He does this all the time. Tries to force my head or my hand etc and it drives me nuts, I HATE it and I've told him this. So I tell him to stop and instead a few mins later he does it again so I just pull away and tell him I don't want to do this anymore. I was really annoyed. He says "I better go home so" and I tell him that would be best. I also tell him that I'm done with the situation, that its just not working for me at all. But Mr pushy doesn't take no for an answer, lies down beside me and apologises profusely, all the while groping me or trying to get me "turned on". I keep pushing him away, he keeps apologising and then going back to what he was doing. I get really annoyed and tell him to just get out.

He gets dressed and is really annoyed with me, tells me I'm being a cow, that i've led him on and that I've dragged him up here plenty of nights etc....

Anyway he goes slamming the door behind him.


A few hours later I get an attack of the guilts and apologise for the way I handled it but say I hope we can still be on speaking terms (small town, work connections etc) and I hope he accepts my apology.

No response.

I know I wasn't the only one in the wrong but I'm not sure how I should handle this. Obviously have been put off FWB scenarios for life! Was thinking next time I see him just be friendly and if he's still in a sulk then it's his problem?

Peggypeg

I think that's the best solution, try to still be friends, if he won't be there's not much you can do about it. Just don't let it upset you, I'd say it'll blow over.

SarahSassy

Why not just try and be civil... I think the friendship thing is gone out the window.

dirtydress

Sounds like you handled the situation very well! Seriously, well done to you for not bowing to his pressure and for standing up for yourself. I'd say treat it like any break up...if he wants to be friends then thats great but if not you dont have a lot of say in the situation and will have to just get on with life...small town or not. Best of luck!

gaybitch

How much do you value his friendship outside of the benefits bit? Do you have a lot of mutual friends that this could be awkward around?

If the answers to the above questions are "not much" and "no", then you shouldn't feel bad about not making contact with him for a while. For a start, he didn't treat you very well that evening (name-calling and turning up uninvited aren't that excusable, really) and for another thing, having a friend with benefits you sleep with that regularly for that length of time could block you from getting involved with people you actually have a connection to.

Maybe the whole arrangement just ran its course. FWB couldn't go on indefinitely, after all - at one stage, one of you was going to meet someone else and it was going to get awkward.

Look at it that way! Try to see the positive in getting yourself out of a sticky half-relationship. Don't beat yourself up over it.

EDIT: Apologies I just saw the "small town, work connections" sidenote. Remain civil, try to iron out the loose ends in a brief and informal chat, apologise for kicking him out but explain and justify your reaction level-headedly - then get out of it. My point about the friendship stands - being civil and nice in work doesn't mean you can't still lessen the contact.

dudara

TBH - I think he's using you for sex (as opposed to being friends with benefits). I know that you think you're doing the same but it looks awfully one-sided from the description you've given.

LegacyUser

dudara wrote: »

TBH - I think he's using you for sex (as opposed to being friends with benefits). I know that you think you're doing the same but it looks awfully one-sided from the description you've given.

Thats seems a little bit unfair.

FBWs are friends who have sex, no? Who use each other for sex in a friendly arrangement. I don't think there's anything one sided here, there were both in on that arrangement only the OPs 'lover' broke the rules and acted ABUSIVE.

Men who try to bully you into doing things you don't want are not nice men and you really shouldn't have bothered apologising. He should've been apologising to you and don't you forget it!

vengeful

vengeful wrote: »

Thats seems a little bit unfair.

FBWs are friends who have sex, no? Who use each other for sex in a friendly arrangement. I don't think there's anything one sided here, there were both in on that arrangement only the OPs 'lover' broke the rules and acted ABUSIVE.

Men who try to bully you into doing things you don't want are not nice men and you really shouldn't have bothered apologising. He should've been apologising to you and don't you forget it!

I agree with dudara. She might think they're FWBs but it sounds to me like he doesn't respect or even like her very much.