Boyfriend trouble-am I using him?

LegacyUser

I really want honest opinions.
I'm with my boyfriend for a number of months. He has recently told me he's in love with me. I met him very shortly after I finished a crazy relationship and I think I might have been a little on the rebound at the start. However, I know I'm not in love with him and I know he's more into me. He has always been the one chasing me, and I was very passive at the start but I've gotten more into him now and I really am in "like" but not love with him.
I enjoy his company and our sex life improves every night we spend together. He takes me out to great places and even when its just us hanging out at home (in my place or his) he won't let me lift a finger because he "wants to spoil me". He always tells me how glad he is he found me and how lucky he is that I ever agree to go out with him, which anyone would love to hear.
I do love being with him, I miss him when we're not together for a few days but I had a self-reflective moment the other day and I think I might be using him because I love "being loved" and have always been treated quite badly by men in the past. I have strong feelings for him and would never want him to know I'm questioning the relationship but I also don't want to string him along if all I've fallen for is his adoration of me. I can twist him around my little finger and I hate myself a little when I do this-its usually me asking him to give me a life somewhere, do something DIY-ish in my house etc and he does it for me without a second thought, but sometimes I feel like I'm using him because our feelings are so uneven. Should I work at not being such a princess around him and hope our feelings will even up eventually? Do men like women like me? I hope I'm not coming across as a b*tch but I really want opinions on whether i should continue to pursue this.

krudler

Hmmm, seems you're more used to a relationship where the other person was a bit more , for lack of a better word, manly, and not fawning over you? there has to be a balance imo, nobody wants a pushover, you need someone who challenges you as well, its nice to know someone will look after you or whatever but not to the point where you can wrap them around your finger as you put it, people dont fall in love at the same time tho so it may not have hit you yet

LegacyUser

God, OP, I could have written that. I'm in exactly the same situation. I've been with the guy 10 months but am starting to wonder if what I love is his adoration of me, rather than loving him. The ex treated me quite badly at times and this guy treats me like a princess - cooks for me, buys me presents, rubs my feet all the time. This is all new to me so I'm wondering if perhaps it's just a novelty. I'm not used to a guy dancing to my tune all the time. I'm aware other girls boyfriends are like this and they take it for granted, so maybe this is normal and I've been missing out, who knows. On one hand it's nice to be appreciated (he always tells me how beautiful I am and how I could get any guy and he's lucky to have me) but I feel a bit bad that he's more into me than I am into him.

LegacyUser

How about being a bit more proactive....

Do some things for him or surprise him and take him out somewhere great and pay for everything.

Even out the relationship somewhat and that might make things a bit clearer for you.

That "like" might turn into "love" but until you even things out a bit (and stop letting him do all these things for you), you will never know.

LegacyUser

I look at my friends and they seem to get this kind of treatment from their BFs without analysing it too much. I do look after him in my own way, cook dinner, put on nice lingerie etc but maybe, like another poster said, I need to realise this is a loevly relationship unlike when I let guys walk over me in the past. Is this a proper relationship and I've just been missing out on how I should always be treated?

kildarelad

I went out with a giirl like this.I did all the things you say he did for you she took me for granted finished it with me on my Birthday after i had helped her come out of Depression and done everything for her. She went on to try get with one of my friends and messed with my head bigtime.I now have no interest in getting with any other girl.Do the decent thing stop stringing him along till you find someone better finish it with him if your not into him otherwise your just using him

Moomoo1

no, don't finish with him, just tell him that you don't know whether you are in it for the long-term or not. Leave the decision in his hands: maybe he is happy to see you for the next 6 months and then part?

kildarelad

no, don't finish with him, just tell him that you don't know whether you are in it for the long-term or not. Leave the decision in his hands: maybe he is happy to see you for the next 6 months and then part?

Their just delaying the inevitable if shes not into him at this stage

LegacyUser

Kildarelad,
I am very sorry that you were messed about in the past.

I do not think I'm messing my boyfriend around. He has always (from the night we met) told me how he feels about me and has said he knows I'm not as into him-he said he knows he loves me but I am not feeling the same way yet, but he hopes we'll get there some day. So I don't think I'm stringing him along, he knows I want to be around him, want to spend time with him and enjoy our sex life etc. So we are very clear about where we stand.

After thinking about my first post I think many women have boyfriends who look after them, like spoiling them and making sure they are happy-I know the men my friends are all with men who treat them like my boyfriend treats me and don't think they are using them.

I wonder if lots of men like are like my boyfriend ie treat women well and love making them happy, while having this reciprocated? I feel I will "even up" on feelings with my boyfriend but also need to get used to having a more "normal" or "functional" relationship, where I and my feelings are not treated badly.

Nervous Wreck

AmIhorrible? wrote: »

I really want honest opinions.
I'm with my boyfriend for a number of months. He has recently told me he's in love with me. I met him very shortly after I finished a crazy relationship and I think I might have been a little on the rebound at the start. However, I know I'm not in love with him and I know he's more into me. He has always been the one chasing me, and I was very passive at the start but I've gotten more into him now and I really am in "like" but not love with him.
I enjoy his company and our sex life improves every night we spend together. He takes me out to great places and even when its just us hanging out at home (in my place or his) he won't let me lift a finger because he "wants to spoil me". He always tells me how glad he is he found me and how lucky he is that I ever agree to go out with him, which anyone would love to hear.
I do love being with him, I miss him when we're not together for a few days but I had a self-reflective moment the other day and I think I might be using him because I love "being loved" and have always been treated quite badly by men in the past. I have strong feelings for him and would never want him to know I'm questioning the relationship but I also don't want to string him along if all I've fallen for is his adoration of me. I can twist him around my little finger and I hate myself a little when I do this-its usually me asking him to give me a life somewhere, do something DIY-ish in my house etc and he does it for me without a second thought, but sometimes I feel like I'm using him because our feelings are so uneven. Should I work at not being such a princess around him and hope our feelings will even up eventually? Do men like women like me? I hope I'm not coming across as a b*tch but I really want opinions on whether i should continue to pursue this.

I was this guy in this exact scenario up til just 6 months ago. Let him go OP. You know what you're doing and, although you don't mean it to be, it's going to be hurtful to him in the long-run. Speaking from experience. I fully regret my relationship with my ex. I deserved someone who felt as strongly for me as I did for her. Knowing that I never got that is more painful than the relationship's end.

Edit: Just to add that I know you're not using your bf. You seem really really genuine about the whole scenario, which is posi. I also know that any advice I give is biased by my past. So take from it what you feel is applicable.

LegacyUser

Thanks for the comment Nervous Wreck,
Again, I hope you realise the last thing I would ever want to do is hurt my boyfriend. I was lucky to meet him and we are very compatible. I have discussed this with only one close friend I have sworn to secrecy. She said I need to get used to "being loved" because this relationship seems, from her POV, to be a lot more "normal" than previous ones Ive had, where I bent over backwards to make the guys happy and put myself second.
My boyfriend is amazing and as I said in first post I have strong feelings fo him, but how are other people treated by their boyfriends? Is someone wanting to look after you how it works? Because for the first time in my life I feel this is a nice, happy relationship with no complications, and it feels great.
I hope people don't think I'm awful.

hollis12

well i have been in the position of your boyfriend, went out with a girl who was treated like crap by her exs and i mean crap, i wasnt as nice as you fella but still the point was she wasnt used to nice boyfriends at all.

she did like the love and strung me along a bit, the end result was for a while i hated her, and i let her know what i thought of her for what she did, and she was devastated but she wont do that again.

regardless of how you were treated treating him like this will have repercussions, it sounds like you have low self esteem after your exs treated you bad and you get a ego boost from your currnet bf, i would end the relationship and work on your self esteem.

Am I Horrible?

Am I Horrible? wrote: »

My boyfriend is amazing and as I said in first post I have strong feelings fo him, but how are other people treated by their boyfriends? Is someone wanting to look after you how it works? Because for the first time in my life I feel this is a nice, happy relationship with no complications, and it feels great.
I hope people don't think I'm awful.

I'm having a similar struggle with myself. I thought my ex treated me well at the time but now realise he didn't in a lot of ways. I don't want to dump on him too much, as I could always rely on him and he did a lot for me, but in terms of those little things, nothing. He never once cooked me dinner, never rubbed my feet while I watched TV (he actually refused when I asked), never any thoughtful little gestures. Looking back, it felt like we were mates. When I started seeing my new guy, I couldn't believe how attentive he was. From the beginning he treated me like the most important person in the world. We're together almost a year now, and it's still the same. He'd do absolutely anything for me. He jokes sometimes that I have him wrapped around my finger but he knows I don't take any of it for granted. He's still bemused at how appreciative I am when he cooks me dinner or drives to the shop to get me something. He says none of his exes were as grateful which leads me to think they expected all that, as they'd had it before. So I'd say yes, it is 'normal', it doesn't mean he's a lap dog or anything.

LegacyUser

Thanks Martin Squeaking Fluff
That's how I feel-my last boyfriend said he didn't like doing things like giving me a lift or picking up the bill for dinner because we were "equals" and he wasn't going to treat me like a little princess. At the time I was crazy into him so I put up with a lot of stuff my curren boyfreind would never DREAM of trying to get away with. I should add this last boyfriend really screwed me over and I vowed Id never let anyone treat me like he did.

Do you think we need to get used to having attention and love lavished on us Martin Squeaking Fluff? This relationship is how I always felt a relationship should be and its so secure and positive I don't want to let it go because of how I was treated in the past-maybe I need to open my heart a little bit and let him love me.

ManOfMystery

I think you need to recondition your way of thinking. It sounds like you do have very strong feelings for your boyfriend, but there's some kind of conflict going on in your head because the position you find yourself in now - being pampered -is a new one for you. Perhaps subconsciously you find it uncomfortable and different, and as such you're afraid to commit? Just try to relax and enjoy being with him.

Also, being attentive does not equate to being a lap dog. I'm very attentive to my girlfriend - buy her flowers, always tell her she looks great, am there for her ANY time she needs me, cook her dinner, do odd jobs and other things so she doesn't have to, etc.

But I'm not a walkover. If she's rude, cheeky or out of line, I'll be blunt and tell her so, not that it happens very often. I respect and appreciate her and I get the same back - I hope you and your bf can slip into a similar dynamic.

Am I Horrible?

Am I Horrible? wrote: »

Thanks Martin Squeaking Fluff
That's how I feel-my last boyfriend said he didn't like doing things like giving me a lift or picking up the bill for dinner because we were "equals" and he wasn't going to treat me like a little princess. At the time I was crazy into him so I put up with a lot of stuff my curren boyfreind would never DREAM of trying to get away with. I should add this last boyfriend really screwed me over and I vowed Id never let anyone treat me like he did.

Do you think we need to get used to having attention and love lavished on us Martin Squeaking Fluff? This relationship is how I always felt a relationship should be and its so secure and positive I don't want to let it go because of how I was treated in the past-maybe I need to open my heart a little bit and let him love me.

Yes, I think it takes some getting used to, the novelty still hasn't worn off for me! I agree that it feels like a relationship should be. What ManOfMystery said is what my boyfriend thinks too - he loves spoiling me but he's not a pushover. If I think about acting princessy, he soon lets me know that it isn't on, and I love that. If I say something cheeky/rude, he'll pull me up on it right away and I apologise and vice versa. No headwrecking or silly games.

Moomoo1

kildarelad wrote: »

Their just delaying the inevitable if shes not into him at this stage

ok, so let the inevitable be delayed. If he isn't happy with this arrangement (in which she cannot guarantee long-term commitement), then he can leave: but it would be his choice to do so.

Wibbs

IMHO this is a hard balance to strike for men(and women). I would say in general women need a little more strength for want of a better word in their partner.

Yes he's being nice and attentive and loving and you care enough about him that you wouldnt like to hurt him, but something is missing. I mean on paper its sounds great. I'm sure it sounds great to you and all your mates. But again something is missing for you.

I think that something is, you know you can take advantage of him. You know he loves you more than you love him. You're sure of where you stand with him. Ive said it before and it's my opinion that a woman wants her man to love her ands needs to know he does(and vice versa of course), but true long term love is where she's 99% sure he does, but that 1% where she's not quite sure, where she knows if she pushes his boundaries he'll walk is what keeps the in love and attraction there.

Now the "bad boy" eejits are a pain in the arse. Not attentive usually and you don't know where you stand. On paper they're looking like a dire bet and there's lots of unticked boxes, but there is something attractive there and that's the emotional arousal and excitement and the uncertainty of where you stand. IMHO this is really important to a lot of women, otherwise nice attentive guys even overly nice and attentive guys would get way more of a look in, but they don't. Between the two extremes the bad boy always gets more action as a general rule. Why? because whatever else its not emotionally boring.

Emotional boredom hits both genders. It's one reason IMHO that makeup sex is usually so good. You're both very emotionally aroused and that kicks off in bad emotions. As I say I think in general women want and require more than men of that emotional arousal to keep things fresh. I've known some women in emotionally staid relationships to actually pick fights for apparently no reason and the guy has no clue why. Or the guy does all he can, never stops is constantly acceding to her demands and yet she keeps pushing. There is a reason though and its an understandable and logical reason. Again IMHO because she's missing healthy emotional arousal and will take unhealthy emotional arousal if she can't get the good stuff. Again the bad boy provides more than the overly nice guy(though its usually unhealthy). She also is looking to get the guy to be more her equal, not her inferior.

Good strong men who are successful in relationships over time have the right balance. They engage with their partners and are kind and attentive, but they do it as an equal. They reward each other, rather than bribe each other emotionally. That's a biggy. Too many men use attention and kindness etc as a bribe with women, not as a reward or simply an expression of who they are as people. There is a subtle diff and I think a lot of men don't get that. Hell I didnt for long enough. I would say given a choice between a man who is your unequal and a man who is your superior many will even go for the latter. They don't really want to, but in the absence of an equal he's a better bet for all the reasons above.

So OP what do you do? If you know you don't love him the same way he does. If you start to feel bored in this. Then I would honestly reassess if you should be with the guy. You're only a few months in. You should be both in love. In a years time this boredom and "something missing" will likely build and build. then you'll both be a year down the line and more entrenched in each others lives with much more fallout if it does go south. I would be thinking about what you want and need. Just because he treats you well and there's affection there, that doesnt mean you're good to go for years or life. It's easy enough to go aong with as its comfortable, but IMHO lifelong love and indeed passion need more than that.

SarahSassy

OP you are over analysing it. You accept help from him but you also treat him (cook dinners etc) so its not all one sided. If I were you I would just relax and enjoy. Who says you need to know you are in love with him already if its only been a few months...

Keep treating him well and just enjoy...

extrinzic

Hi OP. I ran around after my last partner, cooked dinner, bought gifts, visited her family, asked her to come out with me if she was on her own etc. I really loved her, and tried to be a person she could love. The thing is, I chased her from the beginning. I did everything I could to win her over, and she gave in. She never cooked, rarely visited my folks, went out without me, sometimes all night. I believe she loved me for a while, but when our sex life began to suffer, she ran off with a work mate. Everything I had felt for her reversed, and for a time I really hated her. Now I realise I was settling for second best. It's not a case of letting him "love you more"; if you cant give him love he will eventually hate you for this. If he is like me, in time he will regret giving his love to somebody who, frankly, does not deserve it. It has made me a wiser person, but also a more cynical person. If we give too much, we may be left with not much else to give. Do you want to do this to him? Do you want to let him do this to himself?