Can we really get over these issues?

LegacyUser

Been with him for 2 and a half years. Have had wonderful, wonderful times in our relationship. And still do - to a point.

He began showing serious interest in a mutual friend of ours who would also be close to his family. This made things much worse. For example, he would stare at her in her provocative clothing (despite her having a non descript figure i.e straight up and down, flat chested - which is fine, but not my shape and so admittedly, what my boyfriend says he does not fancy in a girl).

He would also make an effort to converse with her and seemed to enjoy her company a lot and make reference to her at times where it wasn't necessary. It got to the point where I hated when she was around, because I knew I'd be second best.

My boyfriend and I are close enough to be brutally honest with each other and so I told him how I felt second best, less attractive than her, that I felt I wasn't his type anymore etc...

At first he denied that he ever looked at her "that way" and didn't find her attractive. He then admitted,after probing, that he did look at her when she wore certain clothes as it is a man's natural reflex to do so. She also began acknowledging that my boyfriend was reacting to her, and began playing on this to get at me.

This of course, added fuel to the already very lit fire. The bottom line now is I am still trying to deal with it, and this all blew up about 6 months ago, if not longer. I love him dearly, genuinely. This issue is the only one we have, but it seems to crop up whenever I know they will be together.

I was never even slightly paranoid about him around girls or watchful, and now I am both because of his admitted wrong actions. I was so hurt, and cried to him about it and how I felt betrayed that he would dare look at her like that in front of his friends and family.

...How stupid I must have looked. As a general consensus, she would not be considered beautiful nor ugly - middle of the road, puts on obvious make up and "seductive clothing" to upgrade herself kinda style.

So ,now, he has changed significantly and has said how sorry he is for putting me in that position. He has made a very conscious effort to stop looking at her as he does not fancy her, according to him. He has tried to make me feel number one. He makes an extra effort around occasions where he knows I won't be there and she will be.

So why do I still feel angry/hurt/sad/ugly/betrayed when I know they will be around each other's company or when he even mentions her in general? It is causing serious strain on our relationship, to the point where it could break us up down the road, and I want to do as much as I can to fix it. I seem to still be "punishing him", unconsciously/unintentionally for what he did, and I want it to stop so we can move on and enjoy what I know we can have.

I would LOVE any advice/experience, however harsh or loving it might be! Thank you for reading.

Katgurl

personally i'm confused as to what he actually did? he LOOKED at another girl from time to time and it is now in the past. I think you have guilted him quite enough and this girl is not the problem, there is either somethign very lacking in your relationship or more likely, your perception of yourself.

ManOfMystery

OP, if you are going to go through life thinking that any significant other you may have cannot even LOOK at other females, then you're in for a very lonely time.

It is only natural for people to look at others of the opposite sex, whether they're in a relationship or not. It doesn't mean they will act on it, it doesn't mean he will cheat on you, it doesn't mean he is fantasising about her.

I have a beautiful girlfriend who I love very much, and I would never cheat on her. But that doesn't mean I suddenly find all other females on Earth unnattractive. On any given day, I may glance at a woman who is dressed in an attractive way, or who I find physically attractive. I'm not thinking of trying to get her into bed; merely admiring her. I'm sure my girlfriend does the same when she passes an attractive guy in the street, and if she didn't? Well, I wouldn't consider it normal.

Your boyfriends response - that it's a typical male reaction when confronted with a female in provocative dress - sounds 100% honest. There are plenty of females posting in this forum about boyfriends cheating, drinking, gambling and flirting with girls behind their back, so be happy that the worst your bf does is take the odd glance at a female. Trying to exercise control over a partner is the beginning of the road to ruin for many relationships.

LegacyUser

HelpSeeker wrote: »

Been with him for 2 and a half years. Have had wonderful, wonderful times in our relationship. And still do - to a point.

He began showing serious interest in a mutual friend of ours who would also be close to his family. This made things much worse. For example, he would stare at her in her provocative clothing (despite her having a non descript figure i.e straight up and down, flat chested - which is fine, but not my shape and so admittedly, what my boyfriend says he does not fancy in a girl).

He would also make an effort to converse with her and seemed to enjoy her company a lot and make reference to her at times where it wasn't necessary. It got to the point where I hated when she was around, because I knew I'd be second best.

My boyfriend and I are close enough to be brutally honest with each other and so I told him how I felt second best, less attractive than her, that I felt I wasn't his type anymore etc...

At first he denied that he ever looked at her "that way" and didn't find her attractive. He then admitted,after probing, that he did look at her when she wore certain clothes as it is a man's natural reflex to do so. She also began acknowledging that my boyfriend was reacting to her, and began playing on this to get at me.

This of course, added fuel to the already very lit fire. The bottom line now is I am still trying to deal with it, and this all blew up about 6 months ago, if not longer. I love him dearly, genuinely. This issue is the only one we have, but it seems to crop up whenever I know they will be together.

I was never even slightly paranoid about him around girls or watchful, and now I am both because of his admitted wrong actions. I was so hurt, and cried to him about it and how I felt betrayed that he would dare look at her like that in front of his friends and family.

...How stupid I must have looked. As a general consensus, she would not be considered beautiful nor ugly - middle of the road, puts on obvious make up and "seductive clothing" to upgrade herself kinda style.

So ,now, he has changed significantly and has said how sorry he is for putting me in that position. He has made a very conscious effort to stop looking at her as he does not fancy her, according to him. He has tried to make me feel number one. He makes an extra effort around occasions where he knows I won't be there and she will be.

So why do I still feel angry/hurt/sad/ugly/betrayed when I know they will be around each other's company or when he even mentions her in general? It is causing serious strain on our relationship, to the point where it could break us up down the road, and I want to do as much as I can to fix it. I seem to still be "punishing him", unconsciously/unintentionally for what he did, and I want it to stop so we can move on and enjoy what I know we can have.

I would LOVE any advice/experience, however harsh or loving it might be! Thank you for reading.

I don't think you can. You should part company. Sorry.

Kimia

To the above, I don't understand why they should break up over this? Strange.

To the OP. I totally understand where you're coming from as I've been through similar myself. What you have to remember is that this girl (because of her link with his family) is going to be around for a long time, and you need to figure out a way to deal with it because it's non-negotiable.

Obviously you don't want your boyfriend to be staring at another woman in front of you, it's disrespectful but again fairly natural for him to look at another woman when she's dressed provocatively. It's how he does it that's the issue.

I really really believe that you can get through this. You have to take a MAJOR step back and realise that he actually hasn't done anything wrong really, only just looked at another girl who was dressed up. He shouldn't have done it that obviously and that's what you can say to him, but don't make a big deal out of it.

Through your actions you are also bigging this girl up to be forbidden fruit and you have to be very very careful here. Treat her as nothing but a family friend and her allure will falter. You're making her a bigger deal than she is. He probably never thought about her that way until you got so upset.

Take it slowly and back off slowly. Joke about her, in a very very subtle way, to show him that you're not bothered and that you are too confident to be bothered with little things like that. Act as if she's no threat at all, which she isn't, and funnily enough she will cease to be one in your mind.

He's been very well behaved really, too well behaved some might say. You can't stop him from looking , but don't blow it up to be bigger than it is. Show him that you are the confident woman who he loves and that you are in no way concerned with other women. Confidence is very attractive and a bit of alloofness goes a long way.

Dizzyblonde

I think that regardless of what he now says, what he did was quite cruel because reading your post it sounds deliberate and as if he was trying to make you jealous.
If that is the case then only you know if you can be with someone who plays those games.
If on the other hand it was unconscious on his part, then you should brush it off and move forward. I'm curious about the things he and she attend but you don't?

kenbrady

HelpSeeker wrote: »

(but not my shape and so admittedly, what my boyfriend says he does not fancy in a girl).

got to the point where I hated when she was around, because I knew I'd be second best.

I told him how I felt second best, less attractive than her, that I felt I wasn't his type anymore etc...


I am still trying to deal with it,

but it seems to crop up whenever I know they will be together.

I was never even slightly paranoid about him around girls or watchful, and now I am both because of his admitted wrong actions.

I was so hurt, and cried to him about it and how I felt betrayed that he would dare look at her like that in front of his friends and family.

So why do I still feel angry/hurt/sad/ugly/betrayed when I know they will be around each other's company or when he even mentions her in general?

It is causing serious strain on our relationship, to the point where it could break us up down the road,

be "punishing him", unconsciously/unintentionally for what he did, and I want it to stop so we can move on and enjoy what I know we can have.

I think the only issue here is your self esteem.

What did he do ? Look at another girl when she wore sexy clothes.
Now if he started staring and saying wow look at how hot she is, she's so sexy. Then it would be an issue. But I don't think it is, like he said it's just normal male behaviour. I'd say his admission of wrong actions came because you started making a big deal out of this and crying. The only way he felt to make it better was to tell you he'd never do it again.

LegacyUser

To Kimia in particular, thank you for such a straight forward and intelligent response. It really made sense to me and made me see the error of my thinking.

Yes, my self esteem is a problem, and always has been for family issues and a bout of depression reasons. I know myself that I have to -WANT to - cop on and get back our good times, but seem to be facing a brick wall when I try.

I agree that his response seemed honest, but I kept thinking if he really doesn't fancy her, why did he oogle over her for the bones of a year in front of me and his friends and family? This is the crux of the problem I think - why be that disrespectful over someone you don't want you know? She isn't single, but I guess my esteem issues meant I obviously took it far too seriously.

Maybe I need a does of lightening up. He was shook after this all came to light and seemed angry with himself for what he did and for hurting me. Writing this makes me kind of think in a different perspective actually...I am blessed in that I am in my early twenties in a long term relationship and this has been the only problem. Jesus, maybe I am actually stupid!

I want to say how much I appreciate the help you have given. I told my boyfriend that I put this up and he had a look at it in college. We are trying to work as a team to get over this and maybe boards is just the kick in the ass I need to get over this. Though getting over my self esteem issues may be the root of this whole problem, so that should be addressed first perhaps?

Sincere thanks again to all!

LegacyUser

As regards the things I wouldn't attend but they would, if there was ever a family/social "do" and I was busy in college or work or with my family, then I would get upset that he'd have the night to eye her up as much as he wanted. I thought if he was disrespectful to do it enough and as obviously for as long as he did in front of me, what would he do when I wasn't there?

This is obviously an incredibly unhealthy attitude that leans towards possessiveness. But I wouldn't cancel anything to make sure I was there to "spy on him" or anything like that, I'd just be annoyed that he'd be lapping her up. This again links to my self esteem issues. Has anyone any ideas as to how confidence can be rebuilt in these types of situations?

LegacyUser

HelpSeeker wrote: »

I want to say how much I appreciate the help you have given. I told my boyfriend that I put this up and he had a look at it in college. We are trying to work as a team to get over this and maybe boards is just the kick in the ass I need to get over this. Though getting over my self esteem issues may be the root of this whole problem, so that should be addressed first perhaps?

Sincere thanks again to all!

If you can't deal with your issues between the pair of you and have to bring in an internet forum, you have serious problems in your relationship. It shows you OP have poor communication ability and it is another example of your self esteem issues, you need other people to support and validate your opinion.

HelpSeeker wrote: »

Has anyone any ideas as to how confidence can be rebuilt in these types of situations?

What type of situation ? your lack of confidence is the cause not the result of what you posted.

I think this is all your problems and your boyfriend did nothing wrong.

Kimia

Hey Op, there's no easy way to 'build' confidence at one of these events. It just takes practice really. And also, it may help you to read some self help books too that would offer you some affirmations that can help. It's all in the mind - if you believe that there is no way that he would ever cheat on you, and it sounds like that is the case and that your boyfriend is a decent guy - then there really is no need to worry.

Practice ignoring that possessive urge and it will become natural after a while. Don't be worrying about him ogling this girl - he is a man and it's completely normal for him to look at other women, you won't be able to stop that and you shouldn't want to. Don't we give a handsome man an extra glance!! But that doesn't mean that we don't love our boyfriends, it's natural.

So don't worry OP, thankfully you have realised that this may not be your boyfriend's issue, but about your own self-esteem. Start working on that and practice, practice practice! In a few months you will look back on this post and wonder what all the fuss was about I promise. It happens to all of us, these flashes of insecurity so don't beat yourself up. Recognise it for what it is and leave it behind you.

Fair play to you both for working together to get through this. You will be fine. Best of luck xx

Kimia

fghfghfghfgh wrote: »

If you can't deal with your issues between the pair of you and have to bring in an internet forum, you have serious problems in your relationship. /QUOTE]

What a ridiculous statement. Why don't you lobby for the closure of the entire relationship issues forum for god's sake. Sometimes people just need to vent and get some objective and helpful advice. :mad:

LegacyUser

Kimia wrote: »

fghfghfghfgh wrote: »

If you can't deal with your issues between the pair of you and have to bring in an internet forum, you have serious problems in your relationship.

What a ridiculous statement. Why don't you lobby for the closure of the entire relationship issues forum for god's sake. Sometimes people just need to vent and get some objective and helpful advice. :mad:

I can understand why you might think that.


It's different she is using the forum to communicate with her boyfriend (ie telling him to look at the thread) and bring in a third party in what should be a discussion between two people in a relationship.

It's not venting or looking for an objective opinion, it's a crutch and it shows that the OP doesn't have the confidence to deal with the issues regarding her boyfriend herself.

OPs language is objective in the post, but I suspect she had intentions all along to tell her boyfriend about this post and it seems underhand and like emotional blackmail to me.

kenbrady

Bonito

Don't end the relationship. He has been honest with you, so what if he's looked he's not touching, or even looking anymore.

He's with you not her, just remember that, you're clearly the one he wants to be with.

Seems to me that you two are so honest with each other that if he wanted her he'd tell you and leave you for her, but he hasn't done that and it definitely sounds like he's not going to stray away from you.

Just relax and keep reminding yourself your his,he's yours and you're strong and happy, dont give her any satisfaction in showing cracks in your relationship, if anything when you're ariund her you should rub her nose in it that he's with you, link his arm, share a kiss and an embrace or two and just completely ignore her

LegacyUser

Thank you again for the great responses, I really appreciate them. You are right, he is with me for a reason, and he is a very understanding and decent guy. For the record, I'm well able to communicate with my boyfriend - we don't have a boards-internet relationship thanks!

"you need other people to support and validate your opinion." - well considering I finished my original post by saying I'd love any advice, whatever form it came in, I'm not seeing how this is the case? I asked for help as to why I still feel betrayed and how I want to move on from this - nothing to do with asking for support or opinions! and the emotional blackmail thing is far too funny, sorry!

My boyfriend suggested books a while ago and I may just do that. My self esteem issues plus his actions made me exaggerate what happened maybe, blowing it out of proportion? I was in his last night and this is what he thinks. I thought it was very insightful and accurate probably? He is wonderful really, and as this is the only problem we've encountered, it seems more and more unimportant the more I understand all of yer perspectives. I think I needed that switch of thought to cop on and call a spade a spade.

And Bonito, you're right. We are so open with each other that if he truly wanted to leave me, he would have by now. Ah the power of boards!

Thank you again folks!

Bonito

I love happy endings glad i could help