What would you do if you met a girl like this? Questions for the boys

LegacyUser

hello,
I'll try to be as brief as possible. Basically, I'm female 28, no relationship exp whatsoever. still virgin. So guys, imagine you're out and about somewhere, you meet a girl, think she's pretty, great figure, all in all a lovely girl. you ask her out & you hit if off. you're feeling positive about the whole thing. ok, fast forward a few weeks, your'e getting to know her, no bedroom stuff yet. but you're hoping and wondering when that's going to happen. Then, she sits you down, and tells you a bit about her life up to that point. She's tells you that she's never had a boyf (and the virgin part), she's had serious confidence and low self-esteem issues all through her teen and 20s. She had a couple of years of depression when she was 25-27. Real fear of imtimacy. She'd gotten help, and learned to become a bit more happy and confident. When you hear this, you're really shocked (presumably) cos the girl you met didn't seem like she had all these issues. She tells you that she's really keen on you, but that she's hoping you'll be patient in every aspect of the relationship. You're really really into her!!
So, how would you react? I would prefer if fellas in the ~27 and over age group would comment thanks. (not planning going out with guys younger than this)

Its just that Ive read several threads on here over the past while, about confidence/sex, age of loss of virginity, & general relationship stuff, and from reading stuff I really worry about myself, and how a fella would react to the above.

Thanks in advance for any comments.

TechnicalGroup

Well.

First up, if you are at the very start of getting to know someone, it is important to present a positive image of yourself. I'm not saying that you should be dishonest, but the positive stuff should outnumber the negative stuff 10 to 1 or more. You should think about a narritive about yourself that tells someone your background.

To answer your question, personally, I would have no problem if somebody told me that they were in the position that you were in, I would not be put off, if maybe a bit daunted. I would think it is very sweet, and I would be delighted and intrigued to be your first.

If I were you, I would seek a hook up where you don't have sex on the first occasion. Maybe find someone who you fancy and can talk with and say that you are very willing to have sex, but that you haven't done it before. You should set up a situation where you have all the time in the world, and ideally as little pressure as possible. I'm thinking at least a weekend. Include a bottle of wine, nice food, no interruptions. Have fun.

Calya

I'd like to think if your really really into her then you'd give the relationship a chance and try to be understanding.

G-Money

I'm a 32 year old guy and for me I'd have no problem with that whatsoever. It might be partly because I have my own self esteem issues and confidence issues and I don't have a great deal of experience either, so I'd feel like me and the girl would have something in common and would understand each other's situations better. I might be surprised slightly, but definitely not shocked. I'm almost in the exact same boat so I know what it's like.

I reckon most of the reply's you will get will be in the form of "if he's not patient etc, he's not worth your time" and I would say they are right. There's nothing that you've said that would really cause a guy to freak out or think less of you. Plus I can't imagine any guy complaining that you are a virgin.

That's my 2 cents worth anyway.

Faith

sotell me wrote: »

Then, she sits you down, and tells you a bit about her life up to that point. She's tells you that she's never had a boyf (and the virgin part), she's had serious confidence and low self-esteem issues all through her teen and 20s. She had a couple of years of depression when she was 25-27. Real fear of imtimacy. She'd gotten help, and learned to become a bit more happy and confident.

I'm not a guy, but this section jumped out at me. Personally, I think that's over-sharing. If I was casually seeing a guy and after a couple of weeks he off-loaded his whole cache of issues onto me, I'd be a bit freaked out. It's too much information too soon. It'd be sufficient to say that you want to take things slow for your own reasons (perhaps include the virgin thing, but just explain that it was never the right time or something). Of course you can tell him later on in the relationship, but not at the start IMO. I wouldn't see why you'd need to share all that hugely personal, and largely irrelevant, information with someone you barely know. Sure, if they press you for answers you could touch on the issues. The reasoning behind this is that it's a lot for someone to deal with, and it could easily frighten them off. If you've gotten help and moved past the issues, there's no need to make a big deal of it early on.

LegacyUser

OP here,

thanks for comments so far.

Faith: I wouldn't actually want to divulge everything so soon into a relationship. It might be spread out over a few months. and yeah I wouldn't do it to scare a man off. In fact, I'd only say something if I had a good feeling about him, and him me. I only said a 'few weeks' in, cos I presume that's when (most) men start to think about getting a girl into bed. So, I presume, therefore, that some sort of talk needs to come.
My post is only a look see to check what the general consensus from men my age or a wee bit older was about my sort of situation. Thanks for your comment though.

Liam Byrne

I could be over-reading this, but while I'd love to view the above at face value, there's one line that stands out to me....

Real fear of imtimacy.

......and one way of avoiding intimacy is to put someone off from the word go, regardless of how much you like them. So the reasons behind the above might not be as straightforward as "look, wanted to say this - this is me".

Tread carefully, op.......tread, but carefully......

Sinall

Faith wrote: »

I'm not a guy, but this section jumped out at me. Personally, I think that's over-sharing. If I was casually seeing a guy and after a couple of weeks he off-loaded his whole cache of issues onto me, I'd be a bit freaked out. It's too much information too soon. It'd be sufficient to say that you want to take things slow for your own reasons (perhaps include the virgin thing, but just explain that it was never the right time or something). Of course you can tell him later on in the relationship, but not at the start IMO. I wouldn't see why you'd need to share all that hugely personal, and largely irrelevant, information with someone you barely know. Sure, if they press you for answers you could touch on the issues. The reasoning behind this is that it's a lot for someone to deal with, and it could easily frighten them off. If you've gotten help and moved past the issues, there's no need to make a big deal of it early on.

+1. Too much information for so early on. I would definitely tell the guy that you are a virgin but don't overload. Of course all this stuff is incredibly important to you and rightly so, but it could be too much to take in all at once.

LegacyUser

OP here.

I reponded a few mins ago, my connection is dodgy so maybe it didn't go up. apologies if this post goes up twice.

Faith:
I understand what you're saying. I wouldn't actaully blurt everything out in one go, of course not. I presume that after a few weeks, let say 7,8 of spending a lot of time with a girl, a man will start to think along the lines of bedroom, and i therefore presume that some form of a talk is needed. The bedroom is not the only concern, just one that might be more a slightly more immediate thing.
My thread was only a look see to check out what men my age would think of someone like me. There is no way I'd want to scare a man, and have the relationship go all serious. and of course i'd want positivity at the start.

thanks.

Satyr_The_Great

Nothing wrong with that situation. I know plenty of people in the same situation and not a bother on them.
It wouldnt bother me at all if a girl told me all that. HOnesty in a relationship / friendship from the start is always a good way to start. Yeah looks are a good thing, but its also whats on the inside that counts, no point in being with somebody if they are a total asshole or biatch, ya gotta get along with them too. Im 27 and a male,, and Id rather a girl tell me the truth, virgin or not its always a good thing to tell the truth and start off on a good note.

Wibbs

It so depends on the guy. Me I would be the type that knowing all of that would be grand and I would actually prefer to know, but I'm one of those bloody weirdos who reads the end of a book to find out how it resolved:D. Others may be freaked out by it or not so much freaked out but thrown off balance. Both are just different ways of handling things. Neither particularly bad just different. So long as it's not an extreme. Ditto for you too. I can imagine that needing to get all of this out is a comfort in a way for you. If I'm honest and get it out and he sticks around that's a good sign. I get that bit alright, but like others have said let him know what he needs to know unless you're sure he's of the I want to know all upfront type.

In any case a guy who actually likes you for you will be cool about it regardless of what type he may be. I would honestly not worry about it. The fact that you had this past and you have taken real steps and doubtless hard at times steps to make yourself a better person is a major plus point in your favour and rarer than those who just muddled through life. A very attractive trait in either gender as friends and especially lovers.

Faith

Okay, what I got from your post was that you were going to sit them down and blurt out everything in one long monologue! The issues you've gone through are not a big deal. Most men would be fine with them - as long as they're not bombarded with a detailed history of them all in one go. When you feel bedroom action is on the cards, that would be the time to mention that you're a virgin perhaps. Maybe include that you've never had a proper boyfriend. But the intimact, self-esteem and depression issues can be kept for later times.

If this is how you're planning to go about it, then I wouldn't say you have much to worry about!

krudler

The virgin thing wouldnt bother me at all, I prefer waiting to have sex with someone new anyway, to met its something to worked toward not expected after a date, the intimacy stuff I wouldnt really blurt out straight away, thats pretty deep to be bringing up straight away in a new relationship, and if it were me I'd have to trust the person a fair bit before I got into intimate personal stuff like that, wouldnt divulge over a first date coffee or something it could scare someone off.

kjl

ok, you want the truth.

You would be lucky to make it to a few weeks with me without any bedroom action, then if you sat me down and basically told me you used to be a social introvert and are still a virgin. I would think, I need to dump this girl pretty rapidly for 2 reasons

1. I want to enjoy sex, not teach someone how to do it and be worried if they are ok and I haven't hurt them.

2. It sounds to me like you are on some sort of self discovery journey and I want to be with someone who is confident in who they are, someone who I know I wouldn't always have the upper hand on.

And if I did stay with you, it would only be to claim you virginity.

That's just me, but I'm a bit of a dick. So just a warning to you, there are plenty of people out there like me

kenbrady

kjl wrote: »

1. I want to enjoy sex, not teach someone how to do it

obviously you're not that great a teacher if you wouldn't enjoy it.

OP, the virgin thing is fine, don't make a big deal out of it, just say you never met the right person ...

A new relationship is about enjoying the person for who they are now. Dumping your past on someone so early is not a good idea. It takes away from the carefree early stages of a relationship.

You could end up getting hurt, when there is no need. Not all relationships work out, so best to wait until you have a relationship ie(have a talk about being a couple months) before you bring it up, because it could end for no reason anyways within a few weeks.

Virgin thing no problem tell if you want (don't have too). The other stuff wait a while, but if you're in a happy relationship with some, guess what you no longer have issues with intimacy, you should be feeling more confident and have better self esteem. You could then say "do you know I used to has issues with intimacy and self esteem" and he will probably find it hard to believe, because you are so great now.

opinion guy

Also 32.
I wouldn't bat an eyelid at the virgin thing. In fact I'd probably feel special if you were considereing sharing that with me after such long wait. But, that:

she's hoping you'll be patient in every aspect of the relationship

...is a little vague. Do you mean you want to wait till marriage, or do you mean a couple of months or what ? Because personally I've no problem waiting a long time for the right person, I mean its only fair to know what the rules are isn't it ? If I felt like someone was powertripping off it I'd be cutting my losses.

As to the past issues stuff. Again depends how you go about saying it. If you blurted it all out at one go it might be a bit intense. I guess the main thing I'd be wondering is - ok is she telling me this because she's over it and is sharing her history with me - which i would take as a good thing, or is she telling me this because she's still dealing with it and trying to turn me into her councillor? I'm not really looking to be someone's councillor.

kjl wrote: »

That's just me, but I'm a bit of a dick. So just a warning to you, there are plenty of people out there like me

True that. But you also have a point - there are a lot of bastards out there.

LegacyUser

OP here.
thanks for he comments. going on this small thread, there are about 3/4 decent guys for every dick. kinda how I thought.
I wouldn't make a guy wait that long, maybe 2/3 months, until some trust is built up and I know him pretty good.

thanks for the comments!

Think big

I would take you in my arms and tell you not to worry too much about these things. I would tell you that there is a lot more to life, yeah love making is an essential part of that, but people dont stay with each other just for that. They stay with each other for emotion, the way they feel about each other and then that. After telling you that, I would help you build your confidence up, I would take up a hobby with you, something you like or maybe I like, where we can meet people & be sociable, I would take you away. I would do all I can to take you to the point where you will not worry about any of this. Ofcourse all this given that Im attracted to you & I really like you as a person.

I would not be put off, as I was a virgin until I met my partner, and I've been with her ever since, more than 3 years. Everyone is a virgin until they... So there is no point thinking men will be put off due to that, if they are then honestly, they are not worth it. For taking things slow and maybe very slow indeed, you have to be careful with some men, the attention span seems to be very short with some men. And honestly, a lot of men love the chase and if they stay long enough with you without pressuring you, then you've struck gold.

And its all about love, if love is there, it doesnt matter, I know a fella whose girl was in a very very bad accident and she cant do any of those things with him. She was horrible to him after that, just so that he moves on & finds someone else because she couldnt satisfy him. He didnt go anywhere, he knew exactly what she was trying to do. He looked after her while in hospital & I know that man is going to spend the rest of his life with her. He wouldnt look at another woman twice. Its great to see people like that these days, amazing couple, amazing man.

Its all about love, not what's on your mind.

LegacyUser

[/quote], but I'm a bit of a dick. [/QUOTE]yes you are and a selfish one too. OP forget this

santana75

Aww jeez OP, youre worrying about nothing. Im a guy and let me tell you theres no man whos worth anything that would have any problem with what youve said. But having said that Id agree with the person who said you could be over-sharing by revealing so much about yourself to a guy you like. Youre under no obligation to tell anybody your sexual history or lack there of, thats your business.
But like I said if you do choose to tell all, you got nothing to worry about with a decent man.

themusicman

Hi OP

As has been said before no man worth their salt would have a problem with what you have said. however timing would be everything. We all have a history that makes us what we are today....for both better and worse.....and the person you are today is shaped by your life so far. There is no need to explain or attempt to justify the position you are in.

I know from bitter experience however that what you say will put people off, especially if you share it too early. And that could have the effect of sending you backwards, which would be a shame seeing as you seem to hae moved forward. I spent time with someone recently who I knew for many years, and on revealing my past discovered the fastest run away in history. Happily I am long enough in the tooth not to have let it ruin me, but not that long ago it would have.

My message....do what makes you feel comfortable but err on the side of caution. There is no rush to tell if you want to and no need to tell either. You will be accepted for who you are, not who you were.

Good Luck

sunnyside

kjl wrote: »

ok, you want the truth.

You would be lucky to make it to a few weeks with me without any bedroom action, then if you sat me down and basically told me you used to be a social introvert and are still a virgin. I would think, I need to dump this girl pretty rapidly for 2 reasons

1. I want to enjoy sex, not teach someone how to do it and be worried if they are ok and I haven't hurt them.

2. It sounds to me like you are on some sort of self discovery journey and I want to be with someone who is confident in who they are, someone who I know I wouldn't always have the upper hand on.

And if I did stay with you, it would only be to claim you virginity.

That's just me, but I'm a bit of a dick. So just a warning to you, there are plenty of people out there like me

I'm surprised there aren't more replies like this.

an post wrote: »

, but I'm a bit of a dick. [/QUOTE]yes you are and a selfish one too. OP forget this[/QUOTE]

I wouldn't advise her to forget this. I think it's important for the OP to be aware that lots of people think like he does. It would be naieve to think otherwise. The OP would be best avoiding such people but needs to be aware that they exist.

LegacyUser

sunnyside wrote: »

I'm surprised there aren't more replies like this.

, but I'm a bit of a dick.

yes you are and a selfish one too. OP forget this[/QUOTE]

I wouldn't advise her to forget this. I think it's important for the OP to be aware that lots of people think like he does. It would be naieve to think otherwise. The OP would be best avoiding such people but needs to be aware that they exist.[/QUOTE]

I meant she should forget about people who have that attitude and not waste her time with dicks

Bottle_of_Smoke

Have you still got a fear of intimacy? Don't think I'd be willing to have to deal with that.

Wouldn't mention it beforehand. With the right guy you might not have a fear of intimacy afterward.

Being a virgin doesn't matter. How much someone enjoys sex generally boils down to how attractive they find the other person.

I'm personally of the opinion most men would deal far better with a partner being a virgin than an accurate account of the average woman's sexual history. The average woman is under no obligation to detail how many men they've slept with and neither are you.

Gyalist

sotell me wrote: »

So, how would you react?

I'd tell you "let's just be friends".