One night stand rut

LegacyUser

Hi everyone,

I'd appreciate a bit of outside perspective on this, as I'm finding it hard to figure out what's going on in my head and can't really talk to friends without the judgement blighting things.

Female, mid 20s and I've recently ended a nearly three year stint of celibacy with a string of one night stands. No particular reason for the celibacy, but that I just didn't meet anyone and the opportunity didn't present itself in all that time. I guess I hadn't been going out much, and my daily routine with work etc doesn't lend itself well to meeting someone special.

Funny as it may sound, I do actually have a high sex drive and this is why I jumped into bed with the first guy. I went out, met a hot guy, took him home, got laid. As anyone who's had one knows, there's a certain rush of adrenalin / high that goes with having a one-night stand, and the intimacy, affection, morning sex (!!) was something that I hadn't experienced in so long that within a few weeks, the same thing happened with a different guy.

Fast forward another month and I find myself doing it again, and now I am starting to worry. The thing is, I am doing it purely for the sex, and have so thoroughly enjoyed each experience, but I don't want this sort of life for myself. I suppose the fact that I hadn't had sex for so long beforehand means I am divided as to how this is making me feel about sex - on the one hand, it's liberating to finally just throw caution to the wind and release the sexual tension, but on the other hand, I feel in the long run it's unfulfilling.

Two of the guys didn't even ask for my number, which to be honest was for the best, but it still makes me a little insecure about both of those experiences...'were they actually attracted to me or was it a drunken thing? Was I not 'girlfriend material' because I jumped into bed with them?'

In all honesty, I don't feel used, as I did just as much using as they did if that was the case, but I guess the aftermath is what I am struggling with as I personally think it's harder for a female to have sex with someone and be grand with never seeing them again.

I want a meaningful relationship, but I feel like I am in limbo right now because I am unwilling to go on any longer without sex, but I don't know how to have / find someone to have a relationship with. It's easier to find someone to just have sex with...?!!

I guess, I could do with a bit of advice on getting out there, and not just getting laid. I honestly don't think I am a one-night-stand person, this is just a pattern I have fallen in to because I can't seem to navigate the relationship thing.

Wagon

I don't think either gender is better than the other at having one night stands. I'm a bloke and I've no time for them. It's a myth and it ultimately comes down the the person and what they want out of it.

If you are enjoying yourself then keep going, just keep safe and don't go bragging to everyone about how great it was. As for the guys not thinking you were girlfriend material, yes that's probably true. A lot of (but not all ) blokes think that a woman who jumps into bed with them in the first night is just a shag and not to be considered when it comes to a relationship. yes it's unfair but for the majority that's how it seems.

If you want a meaningful relationship, then maybe when you meet someone you like don't be quite so quick to throw the pants away. This isn't criticism, it's advice. That way you can tell when a bloke is just after a shag or if he likes you for who you are.

LegacyUser

Thanks Wagon. I'm thinking more about it and thinking it might be a self esteem thing. The guys I ended up with I met while I was out, so in my head I was going, 'I need sex, this is how it's done, so this is what I'll do'.

In a sense I feel like the possibility of sex was a stronger incentive for them to get close to me than personality etc, so I guess that's an issue that I have to deal with. It's been a long time since I've had anything meaningful with the opposite sex, so in my head, this was just a way of sorting out my needs without getting hurt.

I don't want to get into a pattern of one night stands though, as I don't think I can emotionally handle them. I just can't figure out how I can develop a healthy attitude towards relationships and all that, enough to be open to them and not feel like a closed shop, which is how I feel right now. I feel like I've gotten so used to being alone (even three years ago it was a pretty short-lived thing) and I don't know how to adjust that attitude to open up to someone I like.

Anyway. Thanks for your honesty about the 'girlfriend material' thing. I sort of figured that one out myself but sometimes you need it spelled out for you!

Wagon

1nightstandrut wrote: »

I don't want to get into a pattern of one night stands though, as I don't think I can emotionally handle them.

Well then don't force yourself.

I just can't figure out how I can develop a healthy attitude towards relationships and all that, enough to be open to them and not feel like a closed shop, which is how I feel right now.

Yeah i can understand where you're coming from. A thing to bear in mind is that none of us need sex. we want it but we never need it. it's a choice and different people have different preferences as to how they like it. I mean you went three years without it because you were just busy with other things in life so there's the proof that it isnt a need.

If you being bothered by the way the two blokes just walked off without getting your number and are feeling uneasy at the concept of just using each other as a shag (sorry, couldnt think of a better choice of words), maybe don't be so quick to jump in if you're having doubts. Then again on a night where you meet a bloke and you are positive you just want a good ride then by all means go for it. Just make sure you're comfortable.

I feel like I've gotten so used to being alone (even three years ago it was a pretty short-lived thing) and I don't know how to adjust that attitude to open up to someone I like.

Well if you are talking to someone and things are going very well then maybe get his phone number instead of his...(sorry, im a crude fúcker :P). Even if it goes nowhere you're still making the effort to get to know someone and eventually the idea of being in a relationship will be less alien.

Anyway. Thanks for your honesty about the 'girlfriend material' thing. I sort of figured that one out myself but sometimes you need it spelled out for you!

Ah no problem, didnt want to say it but that's how it is. Some women have the same attitude. not to the same degree as men do but it's definately out there.