casual hook ups

LegacyUser

I broke up with my ex at the start of the year, we'd been dating five years, first serious relationship and a pretty long drawn out painful breakup. I know i'm not over him completely yet - i seem to hang on a lot to the past in general, and still have teary moments and think a lot about how i didnt have the character to see his faults and walk.

well, i'm a bit curious about my relationship with sex....when i was with him, it became an issue as i didnt cum every time which made him feel like he had to practice more and me feel insufficient and faulty, and often i'd end up having sex even if i didnt feel like it because he wanted it and faking the results (not the issue here, so please no rants - it was consensual, and since splitting i realise my compromise was a big problem)

since we've split, i've found myself having sex with someone quite casual and meaningless. i can meet a guy and bed him that night and the next day, expect to feel guilty, feel i should, but instead not really feel anything except a vague 'did i really want to do that' feeling as i usually dont cum. i've had one partner with whom i've had casual amazing sex, but a few once - off's too. is this normal? i know ppl will say only do what u want to do - but at the time, i want it, or more, i dont see why not or can say no....

i ask as i have a friend, like him enough as a mate and we've ended fooling around a few times - i'm a bit confused, as i'm attracted to him with clothes on, like teh kiss, but feel no spark in bed, we had sex for teh first time recently and it was pretty useless, and always im thinkin 'does he even fancy u or is it just drink'......

do other ppl go thru this, or should i be worried....do i have a problem?

shellyboo

I think that's pretty normal. When you're used to having proper relationship sex, casual sex does feel empty. It's up to you to decide if it's something you want to continue to do or not, really... but I don't think what you're feeling is unusual.

Diveonthe12th

I'd say it's just another case of drunken slut-itis... maybe you've had so much sex your nether regions have died out ... a bit like a kid who cant taste **** from scoffing too many sweets.

BraziliaNZ

Diveonthe12th wrote: »

I'd say it's just another case of drunken slut-itis... maybe you've had so much sex your nether regions have died out ... a bit like a kid who cant taste **** from scoffing too many sweets.

Not getting any mate?
There's nothing wrong with what you're doing, just keep it safe and don't earn yourself a reputation - i.e. don't disrupt any friendships/relationships. You're young I presume, so play it by ear and eventually you'll find your feet. I'd imagine there'll be a lot of hate coming at you on this thread though by blokes who can't get laid or can't fathom the thought that girls can consensually sleep around nowadays.

opinion guy

To be honest with you I don't think you should be doing what you are doing. Why ? Because you don't seem to quite know why you are doing it and you don't sound like you are terribly much enjoying it. To me it seems like you are looking from something from the random sex that you are not finding. I don't know what - validation? being wanted ? something. Seems to me like you are not fully aware of where your emotional wants and physical wants delineate from each other. Given that I think what you are doing is probably not good for you and you might get hurt.

I'm not saying there is anything wrong with casual sex, its just that I don't think everyone is wired to deal with it and my impression from your post is that you are not wired that way at the moment.


Hmmm I have one direct question, when you decide to have one of these hookups, can you tell me/us why you decide to have sex on any given occasion ?

The Recliner

Diveonthe12th banned for a week for that wonderfully witty contribution :rolleyes:

ash23

Sex when very drunk is a bad idea. Highly unlikely to be any good, not just because of technique etc but alcohol tends to numb things and that includes your bits and bobs so you won't have the sensitivity that you would when sober.

LegacyUser

OP here,

thanks Dive for that wonderful anatomy lesson - too much sex and ur nether regions die out...must check with the doctor first though if you don't mind.

Thing is, I've had only three other partners then my ex, so it's not like i'm sluttin around....it's just, should sex come this easy to me, and so casually? maybe ur right shelly, it's a weird feelin to have sex with someone u dont love after so many years where it's an expression of love.

opinion guy, i hear what ur saying and true, i went through a bit of that at the start - kissing guys to feel affection, to get the hug after and while i dont think it's the case now, i'm not altogether sure in some way it's not - that's why i'm posting, to see if i'm still doing that now. like, am i sleepin with the other guys to avoid a situation where i actually like the guy, or am i really ok with casual sex, am i wired to go for it.

with the other guys, i've had sex with them because i've been horny (sorry for being crude) and i'm quite a sexual person. and i guess what's bothering me is that i can do that - i can want sex, go through with it and with someone i dont care about........ok it's not great when we actually get down to it in teh case of two guys (one night stand, the other the friend).....guess i'm a bit floundering from the break up in that, to have sex seems so natural cos of the past relationship, but it's with someone i'm not in love with which is a bit weird....maybe it is just case of getting used to it....

as for disrupting relationships/friendships part of the reason we broke up was because of teh interference of another girl (but mainly his lack of respect for our relationship) so i have strong feelings on this issue.

opinion guy what u said strikes something with me ' i dont know why i'm doing it' - maybe that's why im posting here? i dont think i'm doing it to feel love/affection possibly even teh opposite as i dont feel much for the guy in that way, but if i'm not getting satisfaction either, is it just a case of 'there wasnt much chemistry' or is there a deeper issue that's stopping me from fully enjoying the experience, as other than not getting there, i enjoy casual sex

Taltos

Hi Op.

Am with Opinion_Guy on this. From your post it seems to me that you seem emotionally remote from what is going on here.

There is nothing wrong with being horny - shows you have a pulse after all.
But maybe try a few different things.

You mentioned that you are not orgasming - what about thru masturbation - or vibrators? Don't feel that just cause you are horny you need to jump into bed with a friend / stranger.
It could just be that guys just do not cut it for you, and that you need a bit more stimulation.

Maybe get your head straight before embarking on more meaningless sex - esp if you are risking your friendships with this. Sorry if I am reading more into it than there is - just what I am seeing. However if you do want to continue (no harm in that) just make sure you are always safe.

LegacyUser

thanks taltos, having followed ur advice with other posters, it's generally been pretty sound and worth taking.

i have no probs orgasming myself, and often orgasm thru sex, just sometimes, it feels like i'm going thru the motions of sex for the guy's sake more than my own so yeah, maybe i'll have to start slowing things down, try other stuff than sex esp if as sometimes happens i'm all up for it, but once it starts getting going, i get turned off - but can imagine that'll cause a lot of friction with guys.

i dont think i'm risking friendship, he doesnt have any feelings for me, and things aren't awkward afterwards, more like 'hey ur horny, i'm horny lets be horny together' then the next morn we go back to mates....

but there is some emotional distance, maybe it's just cos it's casual sex or maybe it's cos of me....i had been thinking the last while that i'll have to go a bit slower tho my libido often says different!

shellyboo

sex curious wrote: »

Thing is, I've had only three other partners then my ex, so it's not like i'm sluttin around....it's just, should sex come this easy to me, and so casually? maybe ur right shelly, it's a weird feelin to have sex with someone u dont love after so many years where it's an expression of love.

opinion guy, i hear what ur saying and true, i went through a bit of that at the start - kissing guys to feel affection, to get the hug after and while i dont think it's the case now, i'm not altogether sure in some way it's not - that's why i'm posting, to see if i'm still doing that now. like, am i sleepin with the other guys to avoid a situation where i actually like the guy, or am i really ok with casual sex, am i wired to go for it.

with the other guys, i've had sex with them because i've been horny (sorry for being crude) and i'm quite a sexual person. and i guess what's bothering me is that i can do that - i can want sex, go through with it and with someone i dont care about........ok it's not great when we actually get down to it in teh case of two guys (one night stand, the other the friend).....guess i'm a bit floundering from the break up in that, to have sex seems so natural cos of the past relationship, but it's with someone i'm not in love with which is a bit weird....maybe it is just case of getting used to it....

I can 100% relate to what you're saying, I'm kinda going through similar myself. I think it particularly happens after a relationship where the sex was intense and fulfilling... anything else seems a bit empty after that.


I wouldn't recommend getting used to it, you don't seem to be getting much out of the sex so there's no real benefit in doing it, tbh. Maybe take some time out and reconnect with yourself sexually and emotionally? You can stave off horniness perfectly well by yourself, and I think, given your questioning attitude now, you might regret having these casual hookups in the future.

It seems to me you're definitely looking for something, to recapture a feeling, but that will have to come from you first - having lots of casual sex won't make you feel better, or satisfied, or fulfilled, I don't think.

Some people (like me) crave physical intimacy and affection, and casual sex is actually quite an easy way to get that - but it's a quick fix, a temporary high, and dealing with the comedown afterwards, when the guy's disappeared off into the night, can leave you feeling a bit lonely, a bit empty.

Taltos

sex curious wrote: »

just sometimes, it feels like i'm going thru the motions of sex for the guy's sake more than my own

As per Shelly - stop this now.
Otherwise the whole thing becomes a routine / chore. If you are not up for it - then push back. There are times for all of us when it is just not good - take those times as a signal to step back a bit. A guy who is really into you will respect you and and your choices - and those that act like spoilt kids - well you now have their worth....

Glad no friendships at risk here - did feel I was stretching it a bit and sorry for misinterpreting the orgasm thing - again another leap

5 yrs is a long time you know, maybe you are just missing the closeness and need to take some time for yourself - or find other ways to treat yourself without doing stuff that is really not giving you any pleasure.

panda100

I think that what your doing is quite normal after a long term relationship. Its quite healthy to explore your sexual side like this. However, It doesnt feel like your doing it for yourself when you say your going through the motions for the guys sake. There is no point having casual sex when your doing it for someone else pleasure!

Perhaps take this time to expolore your high sex drive by yourself.Learn more about your body, buy a vibrator and that will satisfy your horniness.

Perhpas just stick to kissing with guys for the moment until you feel you've met someone you can have more fuffiliing sex with?

G-Money

It's up to yourself OP what you'd want to do. There's a few things to keep in mind though. Obviously, make sure you use protection. Also, you might want to have a think about how casually you are sh****g random guys. As a guy myself, I wouldn't be keen on getting into bed with a girl if I knew she'd been with someone else just before me. In fact, it would put me off completely, and it has done quite recently. I know a couple of girls I was in contact with and sort of flirting with online and they both f****d other guys within the last few weeks. I don't think I've ever lost interest so quickly.

Just might be something to consider.

shellyboo

grandmaster wrote: »

It's up to yourself OP what you'd want to do. There's a few things to keep in mind though. Obviously, make sure you use protection. Also, you might want to have a think about how casually you are sh****g random guys. As a guy myself, I wouldn't be keen on getting into bed with a girl if I knew she'd been with someone else just before me. In fact, it would put me off completely, and it has done quite recently. I know a couple of girls I was in contact with and sort of flirting with online and they both f****d other guys within the last few weeks. I don't think I've ever lost interest so quickly.

Just might be something to consider.

Sorry grandmaster, but that's your problem and not theirs. What they need to do is be discreet, not limit sexual involvement. Having sex with more than one guy a month isn't a lot by any standards.

G-Money

shellyboo wrote: »

Sorry grandmaster, but that's your problem and not theirs. What they need to do is be discreet, not limit sexual involvement. Having sex with more than one guy a month isn't a lot by any standards.

I can see your point, but I don't think I'm the only guy who'd feel the same way.

MizzLolly

Is there a chance that you're still hoping to get back with your ex? You're mentioning coldness an awful lot in your posts so you obviously feel that you're getting nothing from your casual partners. Do you reckon this is because you are still thinking about your ex? Like you still feel that there's something missing?

opinion guy

shellyboo wrote: »

Sorry grandmaster, but that's your problem and not theirs. What they need to do is be discreet, not limit sexual involvement. Having sex with more than one guy a month isn't a lot by any standards.

Um sorry shelly I think that's alot. I'll put it to you this way - of all the male friends I've had over the past 5 years I can think of one who would be having sex one girl a month, nevermind more than that. And he knocked someone up.

Personally, I'd have reservations sleeping with someone if I knew they had that track record. Certainly not until after they had an STD test

G-Money

I'm sure most people when they meet someone they like, sort of hope that the person hasn't had sex with anyone else for quite a while. That might not be realistic in today's world, but I think it's still what a lot of people would like. I know I'd prefer a girl hadn't been with anyone for a while before she was with me (sex wise I mean). Plus by the same token, I'm sure she'd prefer I hadn't banged some other girl recently either.

LegacyUser

are you guys for real? you'd really not want to be with someone who'd had sex recently? how old are you??? maybe people in their 40's can have this attitude, but i'd expect younger generations would be open enough with sexuality to accept their love interests have had previous partners, possibly recently - i dont see a problem with having multiple partners, i do have a problem with how they respect themselves and others and under what circumstances they had their partners...that tells more about the person than numbers.

Whilst I agree that someone with a VERY promiscous/casual attitude to sex would put me off a relationship, I would expect them to have satisfied themselves at some point recently, either wiht a friend or a casual.....and since when does casual sex equate pregnancy opinion guy?

and anyhow this isn't an issue for me - i don't want a relationship with someone, i really couldnt care if it put the guy off - both because i find this attitude quite incompatable with mine, and i find it quite insulting that it would be a judge of my personality/loyalty.

whilst i agree you can explore ur sexuality with vibrators....thing is, i have done so and it's just not as satisfying as the orgasm you have with sex......

i agree though with what other posters are hinting at - maybe i'm not connecting with myself emotionally, but can connect sexually....i have had quite amazing sex wiht one of the guys i have a regular thing with, but emotionally i cant give him anything, and the others, there is a 'comedown' in that it's lacking something i had wiht my ex...whilst i enjoy the physical and the intimacy, it just feels a bit strange that i can have that without a long past with them, the relationship....

I am missing the closeness though - i miss sleeping beside 'a guy' (i dont want to get back with him).... he's moved on, found someone else and where am i.....stuck, why cant i move on? it's not like i want him back, and i'm a bit nervous that this feeling of not wanting a relationship again, of never wanting that closeness is not gonna go (logically i know it's not true, i will feel better, i already feel like i'm delighted to have myself back again, and to explore sex is fantastic after five years with the one partner not fully satisfied).....

i think our break up might still be haunting me - he made comments that i just wanted casual, and i was shallow and would never be happy, and i was desperate to validate myself and would never be happy....i just cant get over that - it sticks in my head, and it's probably what's driven me to write here - because on the one hand, i enjoy the sex with guys, i've been the one to ask for it and certainly dont want anything more, yet those words come to haunt me and make me question myself, i'm not sure anymore whether those doubts and questions are his or mine

Wagon

One thing stood out for me in your post here and i just wanted to try and explain it.

sex curious wrote: »

and anyhow this isn't an issue for me - i don't want a relationship with someone, i really couldnt care if it put the guy off - both because i find this attitude quite incompatable with mine, and i find it quite insulting that it would be a judge of my personality/loyalty.

I agree to an extent but im one of those kind of blokes and for good reason too. I've been with a few girls who led me to believe that things where going somewhere and while i was busy trying to be nice and a gentlemanly (as a chap does when someone tells him they really like him), they were off banging numerous different blokes. So i dont mean to insult you but lads still have a right to decide if they can trust a girl. And if her past is making them uneasy? fair enough.

opinion guy

sex curious wrote: »

are you guys for real? you'd really not want to be with someone who'd had sex recently? how old are you??? maybe people in their 40's can have this attitude, but i'd expect younger generations would be open enough with sexuality to accept their love interests have had previous partners, possibly recently - i dont see a problem with having multiple partners, i do have a problem with how they respect themselves and others and under what circumstances they had their partners...that tells more about the person than numbers.

Whilst I agree that someone with a VERY promiscous/casual attitude to sex would put me off a relationship, I would expect them to have satisfied themselves at some point recently, either wiht a friend or a casual.....and since when does casual sex equate pregnancy opinion guy?

I never said casual sex = pregnancy. But its a risk you run - yes? No matter how many precautions you use its still a risk.

Sweetheart I'm going to be a little bit oldman preaching for a bit, but bear with it - I do have a point to make. This is not an age thing. It may be an experience thing, but that's different. After a while if you are paying enough attention you start to notice something. That is, that the people you know who end up getting pregnant without wanting to, who end up catching infections - we'll for the most part they are the people who go out and get laid every week. Of course there are the odd exceptions to that - but those people are quite unlucky. I've had to deal with this. I did what your doing for a very brief time and ended up with dramas, despite taking all the appropriate precautions. Now luckily it all worked out and the dramas went away. But trust me you do not want to have to deal with consequences.

EVERY time you have sex you are running the odds on getting pregnant or catching something (or you run the risk of bringing a nutcase home - the most common risk IMHO). The more random sex you have the more your risk goes up. FACT. The more partners who've had lots of other partners the more your risk goes up. FACT. If you don't accept these facts then you really do need to have a good hard think about things.

Personally, my attitude is, given my experience, if I'm going to be running any risks with anyone I want to know them at least well enough to know that they are worth* taking the risk. Knowing someone well enough generally involves not being hammered and knowing them more than an hour in some club one night. And numbers kinda come into here because I have to wonder about someones sense of self-respect if they are sleeping with someone else every week. I mean those are risks I wouldn't personally take and I'm physically incapable of being pregnant! Such a person would to my mind, be taking risks that I wouldn't. And that would be making my potential-drama-ometer blow a fuse - and opinion guy does NOT like drama. There's no judgement involved, its just a preference.

*And by worth I DO NOT mean that they have been chaste. I mean that they are someone I like and could trust and who are basically grownups I could see myself potentially being with beyond the sex.


But by all means ignore me and find out the hard way if you must.

Anyhow, end preach, back to trying to help you.



Quite apart from all that. As to your question. Well for one thing you are contradicting yourself. You are saying you just want sex but you are also saying you miss someone beside you. Hmmm whether you like it or not there are emotions involved here for you. And I have to ask - its from something you said earlier - is there an element of anger in this for you ?

as for disrupting relationships/friendships part of the reason we broke up was because of teh interference of another girl (but mainly his lack of respect for our relationship) so i have strong feelings on this issue.

opinion guy what u said strikes something with me ' i dont know why i'm doing it' - maybe that's why im posting here? i dont think i'm doing it to feel love/affection possibly even teh opposite as i dont feel much for the guy in that way

Kinda seems to me like your angry just below the surface. Maybe at how he ended it, maybe something else. I'm picking up a vibe of 'angry he did this to me so from now on I'm going to be the one in control and noone else gets to do that to me'. (That's a long name for a vibe, I know, but there you have it:rolleyes:). In other words maybe you are doing what you are doing because you know you are the one in control and you can't get emotionally hurt by these randomers the way he hurt you. You are trying to fill you physical and emotional needs of intimacy, but its not quite working because you can't really fill the emotional part of that with randomers and the resulting disconnect in your emotions is making you think. Hence the feeling of not quite getting everything you feel you should as you described here:

I am missing the closeness though - i miss sleeping beside 'a guy' (i dont want to get back with him).... he's moved on, found someone else and where am i.....stuck, why cant i move on? it's not like i want him back, and i'm a bit nervous that this feeling of not wanting a relationship again, of never wanting that closeness is not gonna go

Does that sound anywhere close to you ?

G-Money

sex curious wrote: »

i don't want a relationship with someone, i really couldnt care if it put the guy off - both because i find this attitude quite incompatable with mine, and i find it quite insulting that it would be a judge of my personality/loyalty.

You sound like you are not sure what you want OP. From reading your original post and replies, it sounds like you want to stop the one night stands and meet someone, yet you are saying you don't want a relationship. Also, I don't know how you associate loyalty with someone not being totally happy that you'd been with someone a few days or weeks previously.

BraziliaNZ

grandmaster wrote: »

It's up to yourself OP what you'd want to do. There's a few things to keep in mind though. Obviously, make sure you use protection. Also, you might want to have a think about how casually you are sh****g random guys. As a guy myself, I wouldn't be keen on getting into bed with a girl if I knew she'd been with someone else just before me. In fact, it would put me off completely, and it has done quite recently. I know a couple of girls I was in contact with and sort of flirting with online and they both f****d other guys within the last few weeks. I don't think I've ever lost interest so quickly.

Just might be something to consider.

About that - you really shouldn't ask and a woman shouldn't kiss and tell, none of it matters if no one knows.

shellyboo

grandmaster wrote: »

I'm sure most people when they meet someone they like, sort of hope that the person hasn't had sex with anyone else for quite a while. That might not be realistic in today's world, but I think it's still what a lot of people would like. I know I'd prefer a girl hadn't been with anyone for a while before she was with me (sex wise I mean). Plus by the same token, I'm sure she'd prefer I hadn't banged some other girl recently either.

But it's none of her business who you had sex with before you met her, or how recently.

I just wouldn't care. Just because someone's had sex with someone else "recently" - how does that affect my relationship with them in any way? At all?

BraziliaNZ

shellyboo wrote: »

But it's none of her business who you had sex with before you met her, or how recently.

I just wouldn't care. Just because someone's had sex with someone else "recently" - how does that affect my relationship with them in any way? At all?

Yeah the fact is they're sleeping with YOU now, and it's your job to make sure she doesn't want anyone else

opinion guy

shellyboo wrote: »

But it's none of her business who you had sex with before you met her, or how recently.

I just wouldn't care. Just because someone's had sex with someone else "recently" - how does that affect my relationship with them in any way? At all?

Well I thought I explained this above thou admittedly its a long post so ye may have missed it. From my point of view it speaks to the other persons sense of self-worth. If they take risks that I wouldn't then I'd be concerned that we aren't a good match. Now I'll qualify this by saying it not about how recently they slept with someone, its more about their attitude to things. But sleeping with different people in quick succession is to my mind a risky behaviour I wouldn't do. And like I said I've had my own dramas and seen plenty of others - these are my conclusions from those experiences. So I don't think there's anything morally wrong in casually sleeping around, I just don't think its a terribly smart thing to be doing, for various reasons.

But all of this is getting a little off topic don'tcha think ?

shellyboo

opinion guy wrote: »

Well I thought I explained this above thou admittedly its a long post so ye may have missed it. From my point of view it speaks to the other persons sense of self-worth. If they take risks that I wouldn't then I'd be concerned that we aren't a good match. Now I'll qualify this by saying it not about how recently they slept with someone, its more about their attitude to things. But sleeping with different people in quick succession is to my mind a risky behaviour I wouldn't do. And like I said I've had my own dramas and seen plenty of others - these are my conclusions from those experiences. So I don't think there's anything morally wrong in casually sleeping around, I just don't think its a terribly smart thing to be doing, for various reasons.

But all of this is getting a little off topic don'tcha think ?

Fair enough I suppose, but I still don't agree with your point of view.

magneticimpulse

can i just ask, what is definition of "hook up" in ireland. found it in an email once from my ex to another girl. i thought it meant sex, he said it just meant meeting up for a beer!! im convinced the meaning is the same meaning all over ireland, especially in dublin that it means having sex??

BraziliaNZ

well it depends on the context. Want to hook up for a beer?
or - I hooked up with some chick last night!

Doesn't have to mean you had intercourse with someone but it can mean that too. Next time you're snooping in your exes emails maybe consult urbandictionary.com?

opinion guy

shellyboo wrote: »

Fair enough I suppose, but I still don't agree with your point of view.

Also fair enough. I hope you are lucky enough not to find out why I have adopted this opinion

magneticimpulse wrote: »

can i just ask, what is definition of "hook up" in ireland. found it in an email once from my ex to another girl. i thought it meant sex, he said it just meant meeting up for a beer!! im convinced the meaning is the same meaning all over ireland, especially in dublin that it means having sex??

Could mean anything. Could mean met for coffee. could mean kissed, could mean shagged. In short your never gonna know unless he or she tells you so no point driving yourself demented about it

shellyboo

opinion guy wrote: »

Also fair enough. I hope you are lucky enough not to find out why I have adopted this opinion

If you've adopted it due to something bad happening to you personally then it's not really appropriate to prescribe that attitude to others, is it?

Yes, casual sex is risky behaviour. So is jaywalking. So is riding a motorbike. So is smoking. Yet people don't get moral judgements made on them for the latter options, do they?

Of course everyone is entitled to date who they want - but let's not be disingenuous about WHY. If you people think someone who sleeps around is a bit cheap and nasty and not worth going out with, they should say so - not dress it up in concern about health. Because plenty of things are bad for your health, but that doesn't stop us dating someone. You People don't go around asking potential dates if they've ever had chicken pox or mumps or glandular fever of the off chance you they might contract it off them, like.

opinion guy

Shelly did you read what I said?
I said it's not a moral thing. I never said anything about cheap and nasty.
I did not say I've adopted this attitude because of something that happened personally. I said I adopted it because of several things that happened both to me and to others and upon reflecting upon all that adopted this attitude. I also am not prescribing my attitude to others - I'm saying its how I think, you can do what you want. And how I evaluate the risk of potential partners is my business and if you don't like it there is no point in you getting snippy with me. Jaywalking, motorbike riding and smoking are risky too. We each make our own evaluation of the risk and act accordingly. Same with sex. My attitude is a safer approach than yours as governed by statistics. Don't take it out on me if thats a fact you don't like

Frankly I find this offensive:

If you think someone who sleeps around is a bit cheap and nasty and not worth going out with, say so - don't dress it up in concern about health.

That's your interpretation not mine - don't try and put words in my mouth. I never said anything about cheap and nasty. I'm not dressing anything up in concern about anything. This is actually what I think. I'm puzzled as to why you are suddenly on the offensive on this. Anyhow, this is off topic and unhelpful to the OP so I suggest if you want to continue it we discuss via PM.

shellyboo

opinion guy wrote: »

Shelly did you read what I said?
I said it's not a moral thing. I never said anything about cheap and nasty.
I did not say I've adopted this attitude because of something that happened personally. I said I adopted it because of several things that happened both to me and to others and upon reflecting upon all that adopted this attitude. I also am not prescribing my attitude to others - I'm saying its how I think, you can do what you want. And how I evaluate the risk of potential partners is my business and if you don't like it there is no point in you getting snippy with me.

Frankly I find this offensive:



That's your interpretation not mine - don't try and put words in my mouth. I never said anything about cheap and nasty. I'm not dressing anything up in concern about anything. This is actually what I think. I'm puzzled as to why you are suddenly on the offensive on this. Anyhow, this is off topic and unhelpful to the OP so I suggest if you want to continue it we discuss via PM.

I wasn't putting words in your mouth, I was giving an opinion. You took it personally when it wasn't directed at you. I should have been clearer in my language. Edited.

magneticimpulse

BraziliaNZ wrote: »

well it depends on the context. Want to hook up for a beer?
or - I hooked up with some chick last night!

Doesn't have to mean you had intercourse with someone but it can mean that too. Next time you're snooping in your exes emails maybe consult urbandictionary.com?

it wasnt like that! he went through all my emails, laptop, photos, msn conversations from my laptop. (different story)

me i was using his iphone one day to check my yahoo account (was home in ireland from france for week, checking what time my parents flight from USA getting in at). anyone who has iphone, knows that your account automatically is logged on, so his account was already logged on and the email "pity we didnt hook up" was there. i imediately told him, wasnt like i kept it a secret and he was there next to me when it happened. he said it was because she had gone back to the usa and he knew it meant nothing? she was just visiting for a weekend. he said in usa it means hook up for a beer? anyway was just a question thanks

beks101

Gah, what a can of worms this whole subject is.

Yes, casual sex runs many risks, but just because someone is a fan of one night stands does not mean they are irresponsible about their sexual health or have a fundamental lack of respect for themselves.

Sometimes a girl gets horny and wants nothing more than to get laid, and of course this isn't as generally accepted as if she were a guy, but there you have it. The question is, can she emotionally handle it?

OP I think that's the question you need to ask yourself - are you using these experiences as a reactionary tool to the relationship you had with your ex (EG to 'prove' to yourself that you're over him, or whatever the case may be) , and does the enjoyment of the act itself outweigh the aftermath of mixed emotions, confusion etc...

To be honest, this is something I am sort of grappling with myself, as I find myself in a situation where I am not particularly interested in a relationship, but still interested in sex.

It's a tough one to call, but to be honest, I'm beginning to think, if this bahaviour is causing you so much confusion and distress that you ended up posting here, maybe you should take a break from casual sex for a short while just to give yourself a bit of head space and see if things become clearer?

vorbis

you can condense the argument about casual hookups down to "Do whatever you want to do but be discreet about it". As to the OP, it doesn't sound like you're enjoying the one night stands...

Think big

What would life be without any mistakes, just dont make too many. It could seriously affect your future as in your long term relationship, kids, family. Everything. And by affect I mean, you & your mental state, honestly, you dont want to be in a state where you will be asking yourself questions about the actions you have taken in the past. My judgement for things is to ask myself a few questions before I do something serious or major. I ask myself, does my conscience really allow me to do this? What would happen if someone I personally know & who I really look upto, do what I am doing, what would I think of them? What would world be like if everyone started doing what I am going to do? Would I be happier/ content before or after?

Now these 4 questions might not be valid for every step of your life, but it gets you thinking...

konalavadome

hi i went through a bad break up a few years ago with someone she wanted to have a sexual experience while travelling but still retain the possibility of us meeting up again i was led on a bit and wasnt too sure what was going on with us as i was still at home. although i can sometimes be pretty strong mentally it was hard on me seeing pictures on bebo/facebook and guys putting up comments (after we had completely broken off ). she essentially was able to move on very quickly and easily while i was still at home missing her.

anyway it took me about 6 months before i could pick up the confidence to approach women in pubs up to that point i had slept with 2-3 women while she was gone. but eventually when i had a bit more confidence in myself i felt the best way to get over her my mental state andthe relationship was to sleep my way out of it. i must have slept with 20 women in one year and had i think 3 girfriends. which is a lot for a someone like me, but what i noticed or what my friends were telling me was that i was never enjoying the night with them or music festivals as i was allways thinking (when am i going to have sex/how am i going to get sex/who ami going to have sex with etc etc). after i broke up with a girl from the northside of dublin i think i slept around a little bit more till september 2008 when i got a good job and just said "that's no more of this nonsense for a year" as it was getting in my way. and then at electric picnic 2009 i started again and missed the entire festival! but then i met this wonderful girl that i went out with for a month and not once during sex or waking up in the morning with her did i think of my ex, i was pretty much free and happier.

people go though this in different ways: some sleep thier way out/ move onto a different person immediately/ or like me sleep your way a bit but really take time with yourself to think about who you are where you are and where you are going especially if your not happy being single. This is the most important thing. if your not enjoying the sex with casual hook ups i understand, but you need to relax and take time to yourself and then enjoy them more. it worked for me. i just focus on standing up for myself and look for those around me. hope this helps you somewhat.

The Recliner

opinion guy wrote: »

Shelly did you read what I said?
I said it's not a moral thing. I never said anything about cheap and nasty.
I did not say I've adopted this attitude because of something that happened personally. I said I adopted it because of several things that happened both to me and to others and upon reflecting upon all that adopted this attitude. I also am not prescribing my attitude to others - I'm saying its how I think, you can do what you want. And how I evaluate the risk of potential partners is my business and if you don't like it there is no point in you getting snippy with me. Jaywalking, motorbike riding and smoking are risky too. We each make our own evaluation of the risk and act accordingly. Same with sex. My attitude is a safer approach than yours as governed by statistics. Don't take it out on me if thats a fact you don't like

Frankly I find this offensive:



That's your interpretation not mine - don't try and put words in my mouth. I never said anything about cheap and nasty. I'm not dressing anything up in concern about anything. This is actually what I think. I'm puzzled as to why you are suddenly on the offensive on this. Anyhow, this is off topic and unhelpful to the OP so I suggest if you want to continue it we discuss via PM.

shellyboo wrote: »

I wasn't putting words in your mouth, I was giving an opinion. You took it personally when it wasn't directed at you. I should have been clearer in my language. Edited.

Take it to PM people

Please keep things on topic for the OP

To be honest OP, I don't think you have a good attitude towards casual sex. I'm not going to bore you with my personal opinions here but I think casual sex is only good if both people are getting something out of it, and I think despite the name, you should still have some sort of connection with the person, fancy the pants off them even if you've known them 5 minutes. From what you've said about your friend, you don't really fancy him, you don't know if he fancies you - why on earth are you sleeping with him then? I don't think 'for the sake of it' is a very good reason (and that's what I got from your post). I think that shows a lack of self respect, and chances are, he's not going to respect you very much either. Even for a f*ckbuddy situation, there has to be more there than thinking the other person is just OK.