Confidence knocked

LegacyUser

I don't really know how to approach this subject. Maybe I'm whinging like a little baby, maybe I'm looking for moral support, or maybe I'm just venting. Despite what people say, it is very hard to go out an meet someone. I've tried approaching women in pubs; they kinda treat each approach like you're after one thing only, despite genuine intentions. That's not a criticism, there are a lot of jerks out there who are just after that. And it doesn't help those of us who are genuine. Never the less, it makes things difficult.

So I tried the online dating thing. And despite all my efforts to make a decent profile, knock on peoples' doors so to speak, and treat every person individually, I've got literally, and I do mean literally nothing back. I dunno what it is. Looks, personality, sense of humour. If it were any of these things, it'd suck. But I think I've got a lot going for myself in each area, so it just leaves me thinking what the heck's wrong with me?! Has anyone else just gotten completely blanked? Is this what dating and meeting people has come to? Trying time and time and time again, hoping for a scrap of something back? It's not really helping the confidence and at this stage, I feel like giving up completely on meeting someone.

LegacyUser

ThisDifficult wrote: »

I don't really know how to approach this subject. Maybe I'm whinging like a little baby, maybe I'm looking for moral support, or maybe I'm just venting. Despite what people say, it is very hard to go out an meet someone. I've tried approaching women in pubs; they kinda treat each approach like you're after one thing only, despite genuine intentions. That's not a criticism, there are a lot of jerks out there who are just after that. And it doesn't help those of us who are genuine. Never the less, it makes things difficult.

So I tried the online dating thing. And despite all my efforts to make a decent profile, knock on peoples' doors so to speak, and treat every person individually, I've got literally, and I do mean literally nothing back. I dunno what it is. Looks, personality, sense of humour. If it were any of these things, it'd suck. But I think I've got a lot going for myself in each area, so it just leaves me thinking what the heck's wrong with me?! Has anyone else just gotten completely blanked? Is this what dating and meeting people has come to? Trying time and time and time again, hoping for a scrap of something back? It's not really helping the confidence and at this stage, I feel like giving up completely on meeting someone.

This is only my opinion from what you've written because I've never seen you talk to women, but is there any chance that you're coming on too strong? Do you feel that you're not getting anywhere so you ratch it up a notch? This would come across when you're chatting someone up, whether in the pub or online.
Your best bet is to take a step back and re-evaluate the kind of person you'd like to meet. Re-evaluate also what it is that makes you tick in your own life...start doing the things you enjoy. I believe that you can meet someone when you do things you enjoy the most. You're relaxed and happy, and other people can see that.

Even if you don't meet someone, at least you're doing something you like instead of shooting yourself down because you didn't get a girl's number.

good luck : )

Rantan

unreg20 wrote: »

This is only my opinion from what you've written because I've never seen you talk to women, but is there any chance that you're coming on too strong? Do you feel that you're not getting anywhere so you ratch it up a notch? This would come across when you're chatting someone up, whether in the pub or online.
Your best bet is to take a step back and re-evaluate the kind of person you'd like to meet. Re-evaluate also what it is that makes you tick in your own life...start doing the things you enjoy. I believe that you can meet someone when you do things you enjoy the most. You're relaxed and happy, and other people can see that.

Even if you don't meet someone, at least you're doing something you like instead of shooting yourself down because you didn't get a girl's number.

good luck : )

Sound advice, I would add by saying maybe consider taking up more activities, sports etc, this would give you the opportunity to get to know more people. Get yourself out and about, relying on the pub will limit your experience. If you find something you really like you can be yourself and more relaxed which will come across to other people and hopefully give you a better chance. Important thing is to relax, no point putting yourself under pressure.

Oh yes, not meaning to sound weird, most important thing - good shoes. Chicks dig good shoes. Spend as much as you can afford on a good pair of shoes and see what happens. You might know this already, but if not give it a go!!

MIN2511

Hey, can you get a good mate of yours to look at your profile?

I've found that spelling, grammar, punctuation and most especially first mail are deciding
It works for some, not all

LegacyUser

Yeah, I make sure my spelling and grammar's always the best it can be. Nothing worse than making yourself out to be an idiot! And I don't think I come on too strong. If anything, I'd be a little shy, but not shy to the point where I'd be visibly nervous or anything like that. I don't know. Maybe I'm just not using the magic words or phrases. Maybe I'm just not that interesting. It just kind of sucks when you put yourself out there, and get nothing in return.

LegacyUser

Are you one of those guys that punches above their weight? i.e. are you going for girls that are way out of your league and not chatting up the girls that are actually in your league?
What type of girls are you approaching?

Fiend-Foe

Rantan wrote: »

Chicks dig good shoes. Spend as much as you can afford on a good pair of shoes and see what happens. You might know this already, but if not give it a go!!

Really?

Never owned a good pair of shoes in my life...

Just be yourself OP, but try not to come on too strong.

Like above try get involved in things you are interested in and meet more people because I think most good relationships come from friends of friends.

Girls who you can get to know and spend time with and let them get to know you before you make your move.

Rantan

Fiend-Foe wrote: »

Really?

Never owned a good pair of shoes in my life...

Just be yourself OP, but try not to come on too strong.

Like above try get involved in things you are interested in and meet more people because I think most good relationships come from friends of friends.

Girls who you can get to know and spend time with and let them get to know you before you make your move.

absolutely on the shoes, first hand experience of it too! When chicks scan a bloke when they are checking him out they will always check the shoes it's just like when blokes check chicks out we use the check list t**s, eyes, face, legs etc etc
Despite what they say most girls are pretty shallow when it comes to meeting blokes, a lot of their initial opinions are formed on how a guy is pressented, could be the nicest bloke on earth but if you look a bit tatty, they wont be interested(unless the are grungers or something). Thats my opinion, would like to hear a girls opinion, if they think I'm right or wrong.

But more importantly are the points about getting to know people through interests, hobbies etc etc thats crucial

fairycakes

Hi there OP I have tried the online thing myself and to be honest guys who sent me a one liner didn't get a reply back..If your emailing a girl try to include something thats in her profile as in hey I see you like football who do you support that sort of thing, and believe me not all women knock down guys who chat them up at a bar you just got to chat the right one up

Good luck..

martdalto

I think you're trying too hard.

I don't mean that in the sense that you are actually trying too hard while chatting someone up - just that from your posts it seems to be all consuming, and really getting to you. There's an air of desperation about you.. not saying you, personally are desperate - Just that you seem desperate to find someone!

Try relax, try not to think about it so much. If it comes to it, you said you've considering just "giving up".. do that. Very often when we're not trying for something, that's when it will happen.

As someone advised, take up a hobby - Sport, musical instrument, whatever. Something that allows you to relax without going out with the sole intention of chatting someone up and getting a date. Because it seems that's what your life has become.

Maybe do "give up" for a few months, and see how it goes. If nothing else it will give you a break to go back again with a clear head, and new found enthusiasm!

MIN2511

I am a chick and i swear i don't look at shoes, couldn't be arsed! As long as the fella is clean, smiles, and fit

BraziliaNZ

Seriously lads, shoes?? If women judge people by their shoes you're meeting the wrong women. Don't worry about the online dating thing, I didn't get one response with various profiles I've tried in the past too, it's a mystery to me.
I can't pick up chicks in bars/clubs either, the only time I seem to get lucky is when i meet girls through association, i.e. through friends, work etc. And I never have a problem hooking up with girls this way. I mean have you ever got lucky? In what circumstances?

LegacyUser

Ah yeah, I've had a couple of relationships. And I must admit, the girls I have been with, I've gotten to know before anything happened. So by that, I'm not all that worried. I guess I just don't make that much of a first impression. In fact, I'm pretty convinced of that! And meeting someone in pubs is all about first impressions.
But most of my friends are in relationships now and there are few single ladies in the group.

Kimia

haha I have to laugh at the shoes comments, as if that's the magic key to meeting women!

Please don't waste your money OP. Confidence is way more attractive than nice shoes. Maybe you're coming across as too shy?

Try to enjoy the single life. I know it's a contradiction, but when you start to enjoy life on your own and are completely content without someone in your life, then they'll come along. Best of luck.

BraziliaNZ

well i've faced up to the fact that certain people, i.e. me, just don't hook up in bars/clubs. It's not a big deal. I still get opportunities every now and again through various circumstances. So forget about it, just go out and enjoy yourself, these days I would rarely even talk to any women when i go out, I usually just sit with my friends getting drunk and talking nonsense for the night. But that's what I want to do. So I don't bother with clubs anymore or noisy pick-up bars.

weedaisy

HI ya OP... I'm pretty much of a disaster in that area too... I just attract the wrong kinda guy. but then again maybe i just dont give them a chance, maybe i've turned away a nice guy like you without really knowing what they were like.

The main prob I find with guys is that some get quite obsessive - like they want to take me, keep me and mind me forever! They come on really strong and dont take no for an answer. I immediately dismiss them at that stage!

Maybe if you get talking to a girl, just talk and be your fun self - a good sense of humour is always a must (I think) there is just something special about someone that can make you smile. If you make a girl smile with genuine humour at that time she will smile everytime she thinks of you. Don't stay around too long, but if you feel its going well ask for her number! If you get it she's interested, then text her the next afternoon. Just take it slow!!

Soul Cake Duck

The mating process can be draining for sure but feck that you should be kind of proud that you have actually approached women in bars/pubs etc, even if you did get knocked back or whatever. I know people can be short/cruel and on behalf of the women, apologies! But don't think of these things negatively, honestly and yes confidence is attractive for some but not for others (I'm for instance would be drawn to shyness, my friend to confidence etc!). Some girls like good shoes, seemingly, others not so bothered!

So...what do you like? Chances are when you know what you are attracted to in a girl, you'll spot it on first impressions and your intentions (body language!) will tell her that your attraction is genuine. Also to 'save face' so to speak if you see someone you fancy make eye contact from a distance and watch for eye contact and flirtations back...keep making eye contact throughout the night (if possible of course) and build flirtation up like that before approaching..to me it is less intrusive and like making a joint decision to approach each other, in a way.....I've rambled now haven't I?!!

LegacyUser

Some great replies here, and I thank you all! The thing I've always found with the whole eye-contact thing is, does it not come across as a little creepy? There's a fine line between eye-contact and leering, and the last thing I want to seem is creepy. I've already got enough going against me with the hood up, and the hands shuffling about in my pockets.

Also, where would be good to meet women my age? I'm 29 now. I was thinking of doing a cooking course in the new year (primarily down to the fact that constant dinners of cereal are growing tired, and I hate microwave food!) but do many people my (or our) ages do that? Anybody have any suggestions? Apart from dancing. Me flinging my arms and legs wildly about isn't something anybody should have to witness.

Soul Cake Duck

Well the eye contact thing can be tricky I guess but I would always play it by year...you see a girl and eye contact is made…you look for that fraction of a second longer than you normally would and look away (smile in a different direction - optional!!!)...talk to friends for a while...look back over later. You'll be surprised once you look out for body language/signs from women how you'll learn to distinguish between interest and disinterest.

As for cookery classes, well if you can't cook and want to learn, do them anyway!! Don't just associate pubs/clubs with the only 'acceptable' place to flirt or ask women out because that will limit possibilities so if you're not finding any connections there...change...from something like a bus stop to doing courses, hobbies or any group work activities can open up more possibilities and opportunities.

Rantan

Supercroc wrote: »

Well the eye contact thing can be tricky I guess but I would always play it by year...you see a girl and eye contact is made…you look for that fraction of a second longer than you normally would and look away (smile in a different direction - optional!!!)...talk to friends for a while...look back over later. You'll be surprised once you look out for body language/signs from women how you'll learn to distinguish between interest and disinterest.

As for cookery classes, well if you can't cook and want to learn, do them anyway!! Don't just associate pubs/clubs with the only 'acceptable' place to flirt or ask women out because that will limit possibilities so if you're not finding any connections there...change...from something like a bus stop to doing courses, hobbies or any group work activities can open up more possibilities and opportunities.

sound advice - you need to distinguish between doing things coz "this is how you meet someone" and things you want to do for yourself. Eye contact is a natural reaction - (thats how I met my missus) in a bar actually, so it does happen, If you see someone you're really attracted to, hold the look for a fraction of a second longer than normal and the rest will come naturally. If you want to learn to cook take a cookery class it's that simple but dont go do a cookery class purely to meet someone.

You dont' "get your confidence back" you rebuild it - slowly, over time. And that, I think, was the title of your thread "confidence knocked"
That means lots of little elements of positive change in your life. Re the shoes: these losers with their "anti-shoe" campaign have it all wrong!!! Best place to start in my opinion is at the bottom and work up.

Start thinking about yourself and what a good looking, sound, smart person your are, get a new pair of shoes, new jeans and go out somewhere and think "damn I look great" and stop worrying about if your going to score or not. Its all about the attitude, have the confidence to believe in yourself my friend and you wont have to worry any more, the girls will come knocking at your door.

Rantan

ThisDifficult wrote: »

Some great replies here, and I thank you all! The thing I've always found with the whole eye-contact thing is, does it not come across as a little creepy? There's a fine line between eye-contact and leering, and the last thing I want to seem is creepy. I've already got enough going against me with the hood up, and the hands shuffling about in my pockets.

Also, where would be good to meet women my age? I'm 29 now. I was thinking of doing a cooking course in the new year (primarily down to the fact that constant dinners of cereal are growing tired, and I hate microwave food!) but do many people my (or our) ages do that? Anybody have any suggestions? Apart from dancing. Me flinging my arms and legs wildly about isn't something anybody should have to witness.

Sorry forgot to ask - dont need location exactly but whereabouts do yo live?
I want to make some suggestions for activities, but would help if I knew what type of area you were in, town, country, seaside etc etc (impending redundancy so have loads of time on hands!!)

Warfi

Rantan wrote: »

Best place to start in my opinion is at the bottom and work up.

Totally agree .

Also agree that you shouldn't go to the cookery class just to meet women, recipe for disaster (excus the crap pun). Go because you (as you say) want to learn how to cook. If you go thinking you'll get a date, you're putting too much pressure on yourself and you won't enjoy the class half as much.

LegacyUser

Once again, sound advice by all. And I am grateful. I should clarify, I'm not going to do the course for the purpose of meeting someone. I'll do the course whether it's filled with young people, or the elderly! I was just wondering if anyone had any experience in one and how was it. But I digress. I'm in Dublin, by the way.

I do have confidence in certain aspects of my personality and what have you. I know my limitations and can work around them given the right circumstances. But when you try something and you get knocked back constantly, you cant help but feel there's something wrong with you!

Warfi

ThisDifficult wrote: »

But when you try something and you get knocked back constantly, you cant help but feel there's something wrong with you!

My own world was like that for a while, still is somedays when I'm feeling crappy. It helps me to take pleasure in things that aren't necessarily connected to meeting someone. I think before there would've been things I did just because there might've been an added advantage of meeting someone (despite my protestations that I did it just because I liked it). Meeting someone was always at the back of my mind.

I've given up thinking and hoping I'll meet someone. I don't analyse conversations I have with the opposite sex anymore, wondering if they're suitable. I enjoy the conversation for what it is, a chat.

It's like a weight has gone off my shoulders.

Rantan

I have a few links to websites i wouild like to put up for activity suggestions, does anyone know if putting up links to companies is a problem regarding advertising etc etc????????

LordDorington

ThisDifficult wrote: »

I don't really know how to approach this subject. Maybe I'm whinging like a little baby, maybe I'm looking for moral support, or maybe I'm just venting. Despite what people say, it is very hard to go out an meet someone. I've tried approaching women in pubs; they kinda treat each approach like you're after one thing only, despite genuine intentions. That's not a criticism, there are a lot of jerks out there who are just after that. And it doesn't help those of us who are genuine. Never the less, it makes things difficult.

So I tried the online dating thing. And despite all my efforts to make a decent profile, knock on peoples' doors so to speak, and treat every person individually, I've got literally, and I do mean literally nothing back. I dunno what it is. Looks, personality, sense of humour. If it were any of these things, it'd suck. But I think I've got a lot going for myself in each area, so it just leaves me thinking what the heck's wrong with me?! Has anyone else just gotten completely blanked? Is this what dating and meeting people has come to? Trying time and time and time again, hoping for a scrap of something back? It's not really helping the confidence and at this stage, I feel like giving up completely on meeting someone.

hey can I just get a point in for the girls and say we are not all like that! Some of us do appreciate guys who are upfront and confident A lot of women are wuite bitchy and snotty (I feel like I can say that because I am one ha ha) but dont let it get to you there are lots of lovely ones too!