Wife's miscarriage - Time off

LegacyUser

My wife had a miscarriage last week. It was to be our first child. Although we're devastated, we're getting through it together. The doctor gave us both a cert for last week. My wife will be getting another one until she has all the medical stuff out of the way, and she's feeling up to going back to work.

Im back to work in the morning and I feel rotten for leaving her at home. My head is still not right after the bad news. I'm absolutely gutted. We were so so happy at the news that she was pregnant.

I've decided to take the doctors offer/advice to take a cert for the days where my wife has to go into the hospital over the next week or 2. It'll mean going in and out of work. Is it stupid to expect to take such time off or is it generally ok for the man to take enough time off to get his wife/partner through the worst of the medical/hospital visits?

I don't want to be seen to be milking the time off when realistically, all I wasnt to do is be 3ft from my wife at all times. I dunno is it some sort of innate "defence" thing but I feel cr@p for leaving her tomorrow and I know my head wont be in work even though I am. I can't get my mind off what could have been, even though I know I should be confident that we'll conceive again.

I'm getting unbelievably anxious about every little thing since we got the bad news and the thoughts of work tomorrow and not being with her if she gets upset are annoying me. Then again.. The man always goes back to work straight away right?.. Any advice would be good. Thanks.

Zaph

I'm very sorry for your loss OP. You should talk to your HR department about compassionate leave. This is an exceptional circumstance and they may well have a policy for dealing with it. You need time to get over this as much as your wife does, and while obviously you're very concerned about her, don't neglect your own wellbeing. If being 3ft from your wife is what you need to do to help you cope, then that's where you should be.

Victor

I think you need to strike a balance - take some time with your wife, but at the same time get to do something to take your mind off things.

You might have a look here: http://www.miscarriage.ie/

Vyse

Sorry to hear your news. We had a similar experience very recently were my wife lost twins. We were both gutted. She was very lucky in that she experienced a very light miscarriage with no heavy bleeding. There was no need for a D&C.

In terms of coping I think everybody will be affected by this differently. I will have to say that my wife was amazing in this regard. She really showed great resilience. I think the main reason was that she talked to so many people openly about it. This really helped her through. Even though a lot of my friends didn't know she was pregnant I felt talking to them about it really helped me as well. You'll be very suprised at how many other people have experienced the same once you open up about it.

pab_lowe

hi there, been there and feel your pain. Do try to comfort your wife as best you can, it can be traumatic. My 2 cents worth is, don't neglect yourself. It can be very difficult for the male and you can sometimes feel you need to do all the supporting whereas sometimes you need a bit of support yourself.
I hope things work out for you both

LegacyUser

Thanks a lot for all the advice. We've been pretty open about it and we're getting amazing support from friends.

Thankfully my boss has basically said, whatever time off I need, to take it. Thats a huge weight off my shoulders. I need to find the balance between being there for my wife and trying to get back to work myself. I'm under zero pressure from work, I just think it'll be good for myself to get back into the swing of things a bit. The people I work with know and they have been brilliant. I have to think of my wife first though and make sure Im around at the times I think I should be. Even doing that will make me feel better.

I think I'm going to take a couple of days to be with my wife if she's got to go into hospital for the day or so this week or next week, and then just take it from there. Its hard to know what the right thing to do is, and when its time to stop sitting at home and get back to some kind of normality. I know there'll be a week or two where she's at home and I'll be in work. I just want to be nearby.

I'm trying to find positives in all this so maybe you'd give me your thoughts on the following..

Has anyone here gone through a miscarriage in the 'family' on the first pregnancy and gone through the wondering if the first child will ever arrive?

Also, I've read that an anembryonic pregnancy, while shattering, shows that we can conceive a child and hopefully its just a matter of time. Fingers crossed.

Billiejo

A-A Dad
Sorry that you are grieving over the loss of your expected baby. If its any consolation, from a medical prospective your wife should need very little medical follow up, if any.
If this was your first baby take heart as 10-15% of first pregnancy's result in miscarraige and most couples succeed second time round even becoming pregnant speedly.
It is a known fact that some men can be strongly affected particularly if they have seen their baby on ultrasound and it lovely to see that you are so concerned and supportive towards your wife.
Most good hospitals have counselling available to you both.

eviltwin

First of all so so sorry that your joy has been cut short in this way.

I've lost three babies myself this way and its never easy to deal with. When I got pregnant with my first baby, the pregnancy went like a dream and I had a healthy baby girl so I never in a million years thought that I would ever have any issues but my next three pregnancies ended in miscarriage.

The latest one was late last year and it was devestating as it had been a very much planned and longed for baby. My husband took a week off work and basically did everything for me - I couldnt get out of the bed - but a week was the maximum the job would let him have. I went back to work the same time he did and I have to be honest although it was hard it was probably the best thing for me to get back to normal.

Get lots of support. There are a lot of online forums and places where you can talk to other people who have lost their babies. You need to grieve, its a loss in the truest sense of the word and just because you never got to hold your baby or know its gender doesnt mean its not hurting. I found it was only through sharing my feelings with other people who had been there that I started to get better.

You might find planting a tree or giving your baby a name helps...I didnt know the gender of my child but giving "her" an identity has helped us when we talk about her

One thing you do need to be aware of is that while it does slowly get better things will probably go back to square one around the time your baby was due and it important not to underestimate that.

The good news is that in most cases miscarriages are simply a freak of nature and not a sign that there are any issues so you should be able to conceive again. Plenty of people have successful pregnancies after loss, I've been fortunate enough to conceive again and I'm sure you will too..best of luck to you both