Need to get off my chest

Nance

Don't really know how to start.. but I'll try..
Firstly, just want to say I am not under any circumstances considering having an affair but I just have to get this off my chest as it's driving me around the twist.
Am married nearly 3 years to my husb, we've been together 7 in total and have a beautiful little boy together. Generally speaking we are very happy, have a nice life and get along quite well. We have our usual arguments but we always make peace and move forward and we do have a strong relationship that has been tested by various circumstances in the past.

My problem is that I cannot get my first love out of my head. I'm 32 now and went out with him 15 years ago. I'm sure many of you have had first loves so please tell me if what I am feeling is normal and I will forget about this.

Like any first love it was not to be when we finished school and went down two different paths in life. When we broke up I was absolutely devestated, I thought I'd never get over it. Of course I did, but every single day since we broke up I have thought about him. I wouldn't spend all day pondering him, but he would flash into my head, could be any place any time.
During these 15 years, he had a different long term girlfriend, about a year after we broke up. I was always the ex in the background and we were together a lot while he was with her, which was for about 8 years.
But I did move on and found love with my husb. I would never have had contact really with my ex (feels strange calling him that because it was a teenage relationship, so it barely even warrants it)... anyway, as I said we would never really be in contact, never had his mobile or e-address but we'd randomly bump into eachother at Xmas or bank holiday weekends.. I live in Dub and he would live at home. It would always be in the back of my mind that I could meet him and as soon as I would it was like there was nobody else in the room. We still got along really well and when we would talk to each other, it would be like there was nobody else in the world except for the two of us.
Once I started going out with my now DH I never really engaged too much with him because I didn't want to end up doing the dirt. I let my guard down one night and we kissed, that's all, nothing more. We agreed to have a chat about it and he basically told me that if I wanted to give things a go he would. I was going out with DH 2 years at the time and I was in a terrible dilema. I broke up wtih him for about a week to try and sort my head out. I couldn't face hurting him, I knew we had something really good that was going places and I just didn't want to take the risk on a person I was in love with as a teenager.. so that was that, I told him that it was best if we just both moved on with our lives and so we did.
The problem is that I have never been able to get him out of my head. It's actually getting worse, where I am dreaming about him 2-3 times a week. When I am at home visiting my folks, he's at the forefront of my mind because I could bump into him and I always do.
I did recently on a night out with a friend and agian the minute I saw him my heart skipped a beat and once we started chatting, which was about nothing except movies, it was like there was nobody in the world but the two of us.

I feel absolutely tormented that I am thinking about someone else when I have a husband who loves me and a beautfiul baby. I would never in a million years let anything happen or come between us, but I feel like there is so much going on in my head that I have to write it down to try and get it out and make sense of it.

In some ways, I feel like I should have taken a gamble on him because he is the one for me and nobody could ever make me feel like he does. I'll never be able to have children with him, I won't grow old with him or laugh or cry with him... I feel like I possibly missed out on what was really meant for me..
On the other hand I am very grateful that I have all of that with a man that I do love and I try to tell myself all of the usual cliches.. what's meant for you won't pass you, wasn't meant to be etc.... and as I said I love my husband so much, but there's a part of me that loves this man more and wishes that I could be with him without hurting anyone else.

The reality is that it will never happen and while I will have a happy life with my husband andI do hope that nothing ever comes between us, deep down I have this sad feeling that I will never feel true true love or share true true love again in my life with the person that I really believe I am supposed to be with.

I really believe that he feels the same way too. He has a partner and they have a 3 year old. I don't know the other girl at all and I know nothing about their relationship, I really do believe that he feels the same way. Nothing has been said but when we meet our eyes just lock and you can just feel the chemistry and the love that we have for eachother. We would never flirt or be affectionate in anyway with eachother but it's just there. I really wish it wasn't because as I said I am tormented and I am liviing with this every day. I have told nobody, none of my friends, my sister, nobody. I don't want anyone thinking I am contemplating having an affair, I am not. I just have these feelings and I can't make them go away.
I honestly believe I will love this man until the day I die. I can't describe that feeling I have inside when I see him or the feeling I have when I wake up from my dreams. In these dreams, we are just talking to eachother and we have kissed in the dream nothing more, but it's very real. I feel a mixture of ecstasty and guilt when I wake up, but that's the great thing about dream land, you actually haven't done anything wrong !

Maybe one of you will tell me to get a grip of myself that I am in love with someone that i don't really know anymore and am yearning for the past. I can't even tell you that you are right or wrong because I have had these feelings for so long now that I can't separate them from anything else that I feel.

As I said, nothing will ever happen, I will not put myself in that situation. I don't really drink, so it's not like I'd be out and let myself lose control, that just wouldn't happen. I just needed to get it off my chest and I do wonder is there anyone out there that feels like this, maybe you can give me some tips as to how to shake this person out of my head. I was actually thinking about hypnotherapy !!

I do have my husband and baby, whom I love dearly but I also have my dreams, that will just have to do ...

thanks for reading

lazygal

Your dreams are just that-dreams. TBH OP it sounds like you feel your life is boring. I'm not saying it is but it sounds like marriage and children are not the fairytale dream ending you expected.
People might think I'm harsh but you are an adult who made a choice to get married and have a child. You might have had your doubts or cold feet but you went ahead with it. You then had a child with your husband. It just sounds like you're letting these daydreams of love with someone else run away with you. Maybe you need to fill your days with something besides this dream "first love"?
What's to say if you did leave him and he left his relationship and you both hooked up that you wouldn't have another set of "the grass is greener" about some other guy? I think this is 100% about you and your marriage than about actually wanting to start something with this other guy and if there is a problem there you need to focus on that and not child-like fantasies of hooking up with your first love. You're an adult, remember, and a child is involved. Thats your priority and where your focus should be.

muboop1

Wow...

I honestly do not know if my advice will be any use...

Honestly i have to say that it sounds to me like you actually do not know this guy, who he is or what he is like anymore.

People change and all that. Possible you have an idea of him that doesn't exist and has manifested itself as an obsession?

How can you love someone you do not know? infatuation vs love maybe??

My advice would be that going to the ex could be the worst thing you have ever done.

Instead of spending time thinking about this guy, maybe spend time thinking how to make your own marriage stronger and more enjoyable?

And honestly, might be best to either talk to this ex (soberly) and see if he is whom you think he is? That or my personal favorite, never lay eyes on him again, ever... Harsh, but if you have these doubts now... and see him when drunk some night? now I'm not saying you are a cheater or anything. But bet to avoid the situation!

You have a child you love and a husband you love... is that not enough?

If not... then you need to end it with you husband and give this guy a try. However you need to be honest with yourself in this, and realise what you might be giving up... and it might be for nothing...

Theres a saying that " absence makes the heart grow fonder"
Thats a statement i disagree with. absence doesn't make the heart grow fonder, it lets us remember what we want to remember and build up a person in our heads into an image we want to see them in. Hate, love...

LegacyUser

OP, I seen your post and I just had to reply, Im in a very similar situation. Got back in contact with an ex through a social networking site a couple months ago. We were together about five years ago, and I thought about him all the time, and would talk about my regrets with him with friends.

We got back in contact and he has a long term girlf and they are living together. It broke my heart, but we met up anyway just to catch up. Needless to say, it was amazing, got on so well, no one else in the room as you say. And he felt the same. It was unbelievable and a big shock to both of us. Just pure chemistry.

Unfortunately we both made a mistake one night when I had gone down to visit and we felt terrible. Agreed we couldnt do it again and we should just be friends. What a joke, we came pretty close to making the same mistake again so we agreed that we just cant talk, we cant be in the same room without throwing all reason out the window. So thats it, he went back to the girlf and me back to my on/off boyfriend.

I would do anything to be with him, and told him I wanted us to be together, but he made it clear from the start that he wasnt going to leave her. He also made it clear that he was confused about her because of me and that he would love to be with me again. Which sucks! Selfish as it sounds, I still dont know why hes not with me.

But i think about him all the time. I dont fall in love easy, and I can honestly say, he was it for me. It kills me to think about him marrying or having kids with her, because I know it should be me. He has said as much too. I know hell be my biggest if not only regret on the day I die and Ill never stop thinking about him but I hope I stop waiting for him.

So I can see it more from his point of view to be honest. What stopped you giving it a shot when he asked you to? I dont think its the not being with him you regret, its the not knowing if it wouldve worked out. Id love to know, because I havent a clue why my guy isnt with me when I would do anythin for us to be together and he is in love with me.

I know your pain, and it is crap! Im dreading my life not even talking to him. Just thinking about him cheers me up. Maybe we are just doomed to forever wonder what could have been? Sounds fun! haha

Even though I know this advice wouldnt work for me, I think because you are married with a child and love your husband, it would probably be best to just put him in the past and chalk it up to experience. Some people never find true love after all, so in a weird way I guess we are lucky, even if it doesnt feel like it.

If you really want to be with him, you will have to give up a whole lot, and hurt people in the process. Would you be willing to do that, just so you never have to wonder again? I know the answer for me but then again this isnt my thread!

I wish you the best of luck, I know Im going to be in your position in a few years and I am not looking forward to it! Stay strong, you have a great life, you need to find a way to not regret him and not wonder what may have been. Let me know how you do that!

LegacyUser

op i know exactly what your feeling.

over 6 years ago when i was just outta my teens i went out with a guy for a few months.

i cannot get him outta my head. most days he flashes into my head. i dont think i actually still love him but he made such an impact on my life that i have a special wee place in my heart just for him that noone else can claim or hasnt managed to yet anyways!

like you i also have children, i had one when i met this guy and he was great with my son.

i have been in many long relationships since this guy, even got engaged and fell preganant a second time but i cant settle. i know its not that im waiting for him but i cant just find what im looking for and on the last time around i realised slightly too late that it wasnt going right.

ive moved counties, change my life in a bid to make a fresh start... he rang me a few days ago to say he's going to be a daddy... it made me sad, it really did!

i dunno what to tell you only that your not alone and your not going to ruin your marraige but who knows if you will ever get him outta your head. honestly, who cares, its your head! as long as there is no acting on it

kenbrady

OP you said you had a relationship with him as a teenager. That is how your post sounds like a teenage crush.

The "our eyes lock across a room", "I know he loves me too", crap.

I can tell you how to get over this crush 100%.

Leave your husband, take your baby and go ask this man to fulfill your special love and be with you for ever. If he does take you in (doubt it), after a few months of living together, you will realise that this is a fantasy and he's not the man in your head. You will regret forever you left your husband for this deluded daydream.

Grow up, stop day dreaming and make your real life better and more exciting.

GismoBaby

very helpful kenbrady, ever heard if you've nothing contructive to say, say nothing?? it applies!

OP has already said she will not leave her husband nor is she contemplating an affair. this is simply something thats going on in her head that she has to deal with. and from the looks of it, she ain't alone! it mite sound childish to you but its very real to her

good luck OP

Wibbs

It's a hard one and a common enough one too and I've heard it from mates, male and female, more than once. Of the people I've known I'd say well over half of them, if not more have "the ex" they have deep regrets about. 9 times outa 10 it's their first love. Not the teenage one, the first truly adult love. In some that regret is very strong. Like you, these are people with husbands/wives/families too.

I think a lot of it is wishful thinking. I think it's also because their current relationship is in the very long term phase marriage and kids etc and they think back to a relationship that never got to that stage, but was exciting and passionate. I reckon if that ex relationship had gone all the way it wouldn't have been as brilliant as they think. I think it's also down to being very compatible and the fact that the first love is so new and innocent etc. It's the relationship that neither party ever thought could end. Subsequent relationships after that big breakup have in the back of your mind "this could end" kinda thing, as it happened before.

Now there are a couple of people I can think of that looking in from the outside the ex relationship was a better one and mistakes were made and it shouldn't have gone south. In one case I know of, the two did end up back together over 10 years later, after both had long term things going on in the interim. No kids though. In another case a couple got back together decades later, after both had raised families and were widowed. So cynic that I may be, I do think this "one true love" thing has some legs for some people, even if it's a self fulfilling prophecy. They're rare enough though.

So what do you do? Well you could up sticks and leave but as you said you wouldnt and that would be daft anyway. Try and see it for what it is, a lovely romantic memory that keeps a part of your romantic needs alive. Your husband fulfills the rest and in a very real and practical way too. It may not be as exciting as once it was, but it's real. Real doesn't show up in fairy tales, but it should.

kenbrady

GismoBaby wrote: »

very helpful kenbrady

kenbrady wrote: »

Grow up, stop day dreaming and make your real life better and more exciting.

That is very helpful, it's practical, real and something she can do to fix this situation

GismoBaby wrote: »

OP has already said she will not leave her husband nor is she contemplating an affair.

She is constantly day dreaming about another man. She may say she is not contemplating an affair, but because of this fantasy in her head, next time she's out and bumps into him, she won't be able to control herself, as she thinks it's destiny they should be together.

Nance

Guys,
Thank you all for your replies.
There has been a very different mix of opinions, but that is great because it does help you see the wood for the trees.
Kenbrady, while your posts don't hold any punches, they are helpful, you see the very practical and objective side of things. If everyone who lived with these very romantic notions, life's too short kind of attitude, what way would the world be?!

The post did for me exactly what I intended to do and that was to get it off my chest. As I said under no circumstances was I or would I ever at any point consider acting on these feelings. I entered into my marriage wihtout any duress, loving my husband and I do take my vows very seriously. To assume that I would lose control and act on these feelings is totally incorrect, but I understand how you would think it.

What has started to become a little clearer to me is that I guess I am finally realising that the path I am on, the one which I have chosen, is the path for me, for the rest of my life. While marriage put me here, having a child keeps me here. I don't mean that in a begrudging way at all, as I said I love my family, but perhaps it's the realisation of what my responsibilities now are and that THIS IS IT ! That guy represents a very different and carefree side of me that existed before I met my husband and I guess it's closing the door on that person i.e. the carefree me that is actually bringing him to the forefront of my mind more than ever.

I made a decision not to give things a chance with him when I could have and I chose not to. There will be times when I'll wonder what might have been, but we don't have the opportunity to see what the alternative path might have been like, so it's best just to let it go. The reason I didn't give it a shot was because I was happy with my husband, who was my boyf at the time and I didn't think at the time that he could have made me happy and nothing has really changed. The memories I have make me nostaligic at times but I think it's more for the times when I didn't have a care in the world and I had other people to do the worrying for me. I guess I have to realise that I am an adult now and have people relying on me.

I do think I will always have a special place in my heart for him and I am not saying I wont ever think about him again but things are just a little clearer to me and I am starting to understand why I am thinking about him, particularly now more than ever.

As some of you said, be grateful for what I have and start to make my own life better than sitting around day dreaming about the past. The past is the past and it should all just be left there.

Thanks again for taking the time to read and reply, it has been most helpful.

Kimia

tellmeaboutit wrote: »

And he felt the same.

So thats it, he went back to the girlf and me back to my on/off boyfriend.

he would love to be with me again

It kills me to think about him marrying or having kids with her, because I know it should be me. He has said as much too.

I havent a clue why my guy isnt with me when I would do anythin for us to be together and he is in love with me.

I know you're not the OP but something is glaringly obvious to me here. If he loves you as much as he appears to etc, and it's true love, why doesn't he leave his girlfriend for you? Surely it should be as simple as that?

To the OP, I think that you are putting this guy up on a pedestal. You don't know him anymore and what you're feeling is infatuation and excitement, probably mixed in with lust.

Fair play to you though, you seem to have a good head on your shoulders and you're not willing to throw everything away becuase I believe deep down you know it's not true love either.

Best of luck.