how honest should I be?

LegacyUser

Hi,
My boyfriend and I are together a few months. The subject of exes has come up and he has been very honest about his past relationships, why they ended and how he's moved on etc. He has not been pushy about asking me but once the subject of my most recent previous relationship came up and I was really vague about it and said somthing like its all in the past now so it doesnt matter.
But Ive a problem. My ex is someone I work with and who I see every day. He treated me really badly at the end of our relationship, said he wanted to take a break to think about things, slept with me during our "break week", said he wanted to keep things going and then dumped me by text. BTW we are in our late 20s so its not like we are teenagers and work in a very responsible career. I have to put on an oscar-winning performance every day in work because noone knows we had a relationship and things have changed between us. I look at my ex sometimes and I want to kill him, I literally want him gone forever and for me to be able to move on from this because its very difficult to draw a line under this past relationship when I seen him every day.
I got quite upset when my BF asked about my ex and like I said brushed it off but he has said he sometimes feels like im on a rebound with him, which Im not. Should I tell him the complicated situation and then he'll know its not a rebound but its just that how can anyone get 100% over someone they see every day and have to pretend to get on with?

Gillo

Just my opinion but yes, imagine finding out he still see's his ex everyday no matter how innocent it is. Tell him what happened just as you've explained here, if he loves you he'll understand.

If nothing else it'll help explain a lot if you come home from a bad day in work.

dublingal80

definitely tell him. he will appreciate you being so honest with him and it will be great to have him there for you, and he will be so understanding. there is no need to be afraid to tell him about your ex just because you see him every day. im sure because of the way he treated you that you would never want to get back wit him anyway.

tell him. if he is ever mean to you in work at least you have someone to vent to

LegacyUser

Thanks guys
Im mainly worried that it will freak him out to know I see my ex every day. Its an awkward situation and my ex has no idea Im seeing someone new. I have other exes but once we broke up I never stayed in touch and found it really easy to forget about them but its so hard to be confronted by your failed relationship every day. I have really tried hard to move on but I cant deny that I find it difficult to get "closure" on my ex, even though my new guy is 1,000,000 times better fore me and we are much better as a couple. I dont want my ex to be a constant presence in this great relationship and dont want BF to think anything is going on.


BTW never go out with someone you work with, I did not listen to all the warnings.

Shelga

Any chance you could move department/change job? I know it's tough these days but maybe it's the only thing that will help you really move on and put this relationship firmly in the past. People on this forum are always advised to put distance between themselves and an ex- there's a reason for that.

LegacyUser

Hi Shelga
That is not an option as we work in a very specialised field (dont want to give too much detail) and the place we work is the only place in Ireland that does it, Im not joking about that I promise but I cannot do my job in another dept or section so Im pretty much locked into where I work, trust me if moving work was an option I would do it.

Like I said, I should have heeded the warning about this type of relationship - any one thinking about it DO NOT DO IT.

kenbrady

please help wrote: »

I have to put on an oscar-winning performance every day in work because noone knows we had a relationship

I look at my ex sometimes and I want to kill him,

its very difficult to draw a line under this past relationship when I seen him every day.

how can anyone get 100% over someone they see every day and have to pretend to get on with?

but its so hard to be confronted by your failed relationship every day. I have really tried hard to move on but I cant deny that I find it difficult to get "closure" on my ex,

I dont want my ex to be a constant presence in this great relationship and dont want BF to think anything is going on.

You're clearly not over your ex

please help wrote: »

even though my new guy is 1,000,000 times better fore me and we are much better as a couple.

That to me screams rebound, "he's so much better for me".
Because you are comparing him to your ex and he is nicer to you than your ex. You are not talking about him being this great man, you are talking about him being better for you than your ex, not that you are mad about him.
Also comparing your relationship now vs your relationship with you ex, when it should be all about the excitement of the new relationship

If you are in a relationship with someone and you are crazy about them, you ex should be the furthest thing from your mind, no matter how often you see him.

LegacyUser

KenBrady I am over my ex-would never go back to him in a million years.
I posted because I want to know if and how I should tell my current partner about this situation and if it woudl freak a guy out or if he'd be able to be ok with it.
Exs are exs for a reason-like I said I always cut contact 100% with previous guys and if I could with this one I would, its just not possible given the situation I am in. I am mad about my current partner and I am falling in love with him, I just need to know that guys won't be weird about my situation.

kraggy

He will find out eventually that you work with your ex so I would tell him as soon as possible.

If I found out after say 2 years that my gf was working with her ex and hadn't told me, then that would present a very large problem for me.

However, if I had been told within a few months, then I'd get over it more quickly. I'd still be miffed that I hadn't been told earlier, but I'd get over it. But remember, the fact that you haven't really spoken about ex's til now isn't really an excuse. It's something that you should really have mentioned before.

But that's neither here nor there at this stage.

How long did you go out with the other guy for?

How long are you and your bf together exactly? And how often do ye see each other? Each of these will give us an idea as to how serious the two of you are, therefore we'll be able to give a better idea as to how bad/good his reaction will be.

LegacyUser

My ex and I were together for about six months-it was a very turbulent passionate relationship and the fact we kept it secret didn't help, nor did how he chose to end it. If I could turn back the clock, I never would have started seeing him but obviously thats not possible.
My current BF and I are together four months and have a very solid relationship, apart from this. We see eachother as much as possible, even if its just getting together for an hour or two to watch TV (we are on very different work schedules) but we have lots of dates, weekends away etc and have discussed the future and where the relationship is going, this is the only problem I have that I need to tell him about.
I again state that there is no way I would get back with my ex, what's past is past but when you have to confront your past every day its a little more difficult and is something I want to deal with before its too late to tell my current partner.

kraggy

please help wrote: »

My ex and I were together for about six months-it was a very turbulent passionate relationship and the fact we kept it secret didn't help, nor did how he chose to end it. If I could turn back the clock, I never would have started seeing him but obviously thats not possible.
My current BF and I are together four months and have a very solid relationship, apart from this. We see eachother as much as possible, even if its just getting together for an hour or two to watch TV (we are on very different work schedules) but we have lots of dates, weekends away etc and have discussed the future and where the relationship is going, this is the only problem I have that I need to tell him about.
I again state that there is no way I would get back with my ex, what's past is past but when you have to confront your past every day its a little more difficult and is something I want to deal with before its too late to tell my current partner.

Ok, what I would say is relax. This is not as big a deal as you are contemplating it to be. Seriously.

Like I said, if I was going with you and we had been together 2 years and then you dropped this on me, I would be seriously put out.

But you are only together 4 months so it's not like you've exactly been hiding it from him. You even said that he doesn't really enquire about your history anyway.

Having said that though, this IS something that needs to be addressed to prevent it turning into a 2 years-down-the-line issue.

However, you need to be very careful about how you bring it up and explain things. If there is any sense of you hiding something when you tell your bf, or he gets any vibe off you that you purposely hid this from him, then his mind will start to wander and things could go pear-shaped. But if you tell him straight and convey to him that you genuinely feel pissed off with having to work in the same place as your ex (not because you have feelings for him but because you really don't like him as a person), then your current bf should be fine.

Whatever else, don't sit down and say "I've something to tell you" or words to that effect. It implies that you have indeed been hiding something from him. Say it straight, with little build-up, but also matter-of-factly putting across that it pisses you off having to be in the same room as your ex, not because you have feelings for him, but that he's just generally a dick.

As I've already said, for your sake and that of your boyfriend's sanity, be straight up with facts and delivery. I've been on the receiving end of being fed information in drips and drabs with an unconvincing delivery (albeit not just regarding one situation) and looking back on it, that was the beginning of the end. Trust was gradually eroded and my head couldn't take it anymore.

You've done nothing wrong here. So be confident in telling your boyfriend. Straight up so his head can rest easy, and then so can yours.

Good luck with it. You seem to have something good. Hope it works out.

K.

magneticimpulse

sounds like your ex and my ex is the same! very specialised job, only one place in the country hmmmm! the break,dumped by text, up down. i would have said dont bother telling him as its in the past. after reading the other peoples posts, i suppose being honest is alway good. but do you really need to talk about ex's?? i mean it is an ex. nothing is ever going to happen with him. from past experience i think the least said about an ex the better. if you already had the "ex" conversation, no point bringing it up again. if he insists, yeah then discuss it.

martdalto

Of course you should tell him, and be as honest as possible. What difference does it make? And as others said - at least you'll have him to vent at when you've had a horrible day... Just be careful about always going on and giving out about him!

If it was the other way around and you somehow found out and your bf hadn't told you, I'd bet you'd be pissed off, and possibly suspicious about why he hadn't told you? There is a very good chance that your bf is going to find out somehow.. It's better coming from you, and it's better if, as KenBrady advises, it plain, simple and upfront. Sure if you've nothing to hide apart from being embarrassed that you went out with him and all that entailed, then I don't see what the issue is.

And just as an aside.. not all work place relationships end disasterously! Mine ended in marriage.

LegacyUser

Hi All,

I just wanted to say thanks a million for the comments and advice. I told my boyfriend over the weekend about my situation. I didn't do a "let's sit down and talk" thing, I just let it come up in a conversation we were already having. He didn't seem to bat an eyelid, just asked if I was okay with it.
I guess I was thinking this was a bigger deal than it is, once again thanks for help!