Mam butting in. . .

LegacyUser

Ok then, some facts before i put forward my issue ...

-Im 18, in college, live at home, have a new gf (2 weeks official), I drink, never smoked or did drugs, Tend to keep fit, im very passive, dont like causing a fuss, im open minded, get on great wit dad, the bro and sis. I, more or less, am very average.

-Mam --> old fashioned, irrational, illogical, aggressive, abusive, inability to express emotions other than anger, childish, stubborn, unreasonable... amongst other things....


Now... recently i got a new girl friend. We get on like a house on fire. Very comfortable with each other. I had known her for a while before we got together. Knew she was great. We've told each other we love 1 another. We have been very reasonable with our "interactions" allowing time for our college work, family/ friend time and all that. . .

But now... and this is what im here for ... Could somebody please explain the actions of my mam??... because i just don't get it...

All of a sudden she's treating me like a slightly retarded 10 year old. Ive got to be home at a certain time. on a night out a while ago she actually rang me to get home...??... she says my gf is a "silly girl" for txting me during the day. . . . she gave out to me for being on the phone to her the other night (my own phone, bout 11 oclock). . . She doesn't like me being in her house much (parents present or not) . . . In other words she doesnt like me being around her very much. . . and she is making life, very deliberately, difficult for both of us.

The thing that confuses me the most is that my girlfriend, to put it simply, is lovely. She's as close to perfection as ive ever come. She's bubbly, smart, wicked sense of humour, has a hobby she loves, is getting an education, isnt slutty, well spoken, pretty... everything a normal mother would be chuffed about.... not mine tho....

any thoughts?

Wibbs

Jealousy I would say is a lot of it. Doesn't like the idea of another woman replacing "mammy" in your affections. Usually a sign that you have a good relationship going there is how nasty someone like her gets. If your girlfriend was a silly cow or you weren't as interested I would put money you would get a lot less static from your mother.

Now she is your ma and all that means, but at least you see she has feet of clay too. Don't let this come between you and your girlfriend.

SarahSassy

She doesnt want you to get her knocked up and is trying to cause a rift.

Gyalist

What's your father's position on this?

LegacyUser

Fair point wibbs. Thing is tho, me and the mother have always had a pretty stale relationship. we arent now, nor have we ever been a loving mother-son type pair. Not to sound childish or anything... but it is her fault. No emotion except anger. Impossible to talk to. So she certainly isnt losing my affection because she never had my affection . . . and i never had hers.

As for dad. He's cool enough. He doesn't want to but in though cause it's just not worth the misery of hearin mam moan on then. It's safe to say he likes my gf but he doesnt really voice his opinions on the matter.

Otis Driftwood

You are 18 and living at home,your mother is going to try and butt into most aspects of your life,particularly your love life.

Its what they do mate.

Either move out or suck it up.

Oh,and +1 to what Wibbs said.

jellyboy

hi oo
from a dads point of view,she has trouble letting go of you...
be kind to her and try not to antagoise her....

be try to talk in a postive way how you feel about life...

give her respect...she has guided you for 18 years and u accepted it...its not going to happen over nite



and be kind to urself...u still love her...even though ur angry at her...

Wibbs

idonotknow wrote: »

Fair point wibbs. Thing is tho, me and the mother have always had a pretty stale relationship. we arent now, nor have we ever been a loving mother-son type pair. Not to sound childish or anything... but it is her fault. No emotion except anger. Impossible to talk to. So she certainly isnt losing my affection because she never had my affection . . . and i never had hers.

Gotcha. It's a pity but it does happen. It's bound to. Some people are just not cut out to be healthy parents. This notion that people naturally tend to that I think is wrong in many cases. Or a parent can be great in many areas, but utterly daft in others. Like us all really, nothing magically changes, or not that much when people become parents. The base setting for them remains much the same. So if its anger that will come out. I have realised that in the case of my own parents I love them both, but I also realised where they may have had human failings and just because they were my parents it didn't give them carte blanche to ride roughshod over what may have been healthy aspirations I may have had. Respect goes both ways basically.

As for dad. He's cool enough. He doesn't want to but in though cause it's just not worth the misery of hearin mam moan on then. It's safe to say he likes my gf but he doesnt really voice his opinions on the matter.

For the quiet life no doubt and thats understandable too for many.

So what do you do? I would say keep your GF and your mother at arms length. Let your GF know how you feel and that your mothers opinions are not yours. It's going to be a hard balancing act for sure, but if you can keep it balanced until such times as you can move away from that, then it's worth trying. Keep your GF in the loop as much as you can though. Don't alienate your mother. Not at all, but remember it's your life, not hers. She may have given birth to you, raised you etc, but if she was of a healthy mindset it would have been done so you can be a healthy loving human being. If not and she has an issue with that or simply doesn't understand that, then while it may be a problem for you, it shouldn't be how you live your life.

As I say respect goes both ways, or should.

St James

She loves you and does not want to see you hurt.

Wagon

nedtheshed wrote: »

Either move out or suck it up.

Easier said then done :rolleyes:

OP have you just tried ignoring the texts?

magneticimpulse

this is what alot of mothers do. if they dont do it, they certainly think it. believe it or not your mother knows you best and if there is something she doesnt like about your gf, its just in her instinct. doesnt matter if your 18 or 28, mothers will always judge partners. especially at 18 your so young. she might think youve so much to live your life for, be single, see the world and doesnt want you to "settle down" at such a young age. my bro is 21 and was dating a girl (19) for 4 years. they broke up last week. im his sister and my mam also are delighted. we are sad it ended, but we want him to travel the world. theres plenty of time to get married, settle down and have babies. so your mam is just seeing it from this viewpoint. ive also dated guys who are 32 and say how their mam didnt like their gf when they were 18. its just that your so young to get involved in such a big commitment. give her a break, she does have wisdom im sure. she was 18 once you know

Wibbs

magneticimpulse wrote: »

so your mam is just seeing it from this viewpoint.

How do you know? You don't and neither do I nor anyone else on this point. You're projecting your own experience and your own mothers reasoning onto what could be an entirely different experience and reasoning. His situation may be very different. Indeed from how he describes his relationship with his mum it sounds it anyway. We're only getting one side too of course. She could have a point, though personally I'm struggling to find it, she may spot something in his new GF that he is missing as you said, or she could be an Irish Mammy tm control freak. Time will tell.

Plus he is only seeing this woman 2 weeks. Hardly a 4 year relationship. If this was a year in and it was affecting his course work or life in general I could see where a quiet word may be in order. The passive aggressive stuff making comments about the silliness of his GF and ringing him to come home while he's on a date is hardly the way to express a worry and more a way to keep control and actually in the case of the phonecall a way to diminish him in front of his GF. That's the issue I would have, no matter what his age, her opinion or the reality of what his GF is like as a person.

give her a break, she does have wisdom im sure. she was 18 once you know

Maybe, but there are an inordinate amount of people out there that the passing of the years brings little enough wisdom, just more practice at being them and reinforcing what they believed already. Plus a lot forget they were once 18/16/22 or whatever. Of the men and women I know in their 40's and beyond, I would say maybe a third have accrued actual insight and wisdom and objectivity about themselves, never mind others.

magneticimpulse

the point is, if your living at your parents house and they have silly rules or ways of treating you, is it not better to move out?
i be moving back to my parents house next month and at 28 im sure they will have a few rules for me. i will still have to phone home to let them know where i am as they dont go to bed until im home. sounds silly no matter what age, but parents always worry about their kids.

Dinxminx

OP, you can't win in this type of situation. I'm 22 and my mother sounds exactly like yours (as does my dad), and my mother loves my boyfriend.

There is absolutely no upshot to this as she is constantly telling me he is too good for me, and that she has no idea why he's still around after a few months. 'He's good looking and smart - I don't know why he's with YOU' or 'He's never going to love you. You're only going to end up crying and pathetic when he realises he can do better'. Also, if he goes away or we have (perfectly normal and healthy) time apart, anything she disapproves of is met with 'no wonder he can't wait to get away from you'.

Honestly, I don't know which way - yours or mine - is better.

I wish I had advice for you. All I can say is.. try to let it slide. Block her out. It's YOUR relationship. Pick your battles and keep your powder dry.

Good luck!