"Do you have a girlfriend?"

LegacyUser

I am a male in my mid-thirties with a serious lack of confidence problem. People (relations, friends etc.) are constantly fishing around trying to find out if I have a girlfriend. The sad and pathetic truth is I've never had one. I never tried really as I can't imagine how any girl could possible be interested in me so I have never asked a girl out on a date in my life. I am very quiet and don't have a good personality.
I'd like to have one but I just can't see it happening. I don't believe it, deep down. No matter how hard I try I can't convince myself I am worthy of a female's affection. I know people think it's a bit weird that I' don't have a girlfriend. I am sometimes asked by aunts and people I know if I have one but I always dodge the issue. I've actually stopped going to weddings because then people will know for certain I don't have one. I don't know why they are always asking,I suppose I should take it as a compliment, maybe they are surprised I don't (I've been told I'm not bad looking).
I am not really able to chat up girls anyway, I'm not able to talk all that s**t that seems to come naturally to others.
I feel embarrassed and ashamed, I wish I could change it but I don't think I can.
Thanks for reading

MontgomeryClift

Is it not better that they ask? They could just assume by now that you're not 'right,' and avoid the subject altogether. How do you respond when they ask?

LegacyUser

Hey. To be fair they are probably only trying to make conversation. But don't take them so seriously. Just reply with something like 'Nothing to write home about yet!' or something like that.

extrinzic

Hi. I'm no expert, and my point here is to help you in any little way I can. If anything, I've gotten crappier at it (women) Anyway, it does not come "naturally" to you. This is nothing to be ashamed of. It's something you are unhappy about, and recognising this is a positive thing. I guess after all this time, you have got yourself hung up on your issues, and don't really know how to brake out of your habits, attitudes, etc. Thing is, you are not determined by the universe. You weren't a bad design, are not fundamentally flawed. You are not incapable. In fact, you are free. Unbearable so. You can do anything at any time. Nothing is stopping you from seizing the day but you. Now, I'm not trying to pull a fast one, and indirectly lay the blame at your feet. Humans struggle with freedom. It's terrifying. But it can also be liberating. You can walk up to that girl, and say hi. You can enjoy a conversation with that girl, or walk on if she bores you. You can be yourself in public, as if it was nothing. All you have to do is face your fear. Fearless. Sure. it could blow up in your face the first time, the third time... so what, nobody died. Now, I'm not a psychologist, I am a philosopher. I have benefited enormously from philosophy, and I suggest you read some too (particularly existentialism). A councillor could be good for you also. Plenty of people go to councillors with their "petty" problems, and discover the key to a more fulfilling life. The choice is yours. You have to make a choice. If you stay going the way you are going now, this is a choice. You can also choose right here and now that you ain't going out like this. You can choose to do whatever it takes to take control, and grow into somebody who takes control. You can't escape who you are, but you can become. There is no Being, there is only becoming.

lazygal

Oh this is question I hated when I was single!
Depending on my mood, I had a supply of answers:
-I'm not the settling kind.
-I don't know, why did you decide to settle for him/her
-I'm just having too much sex to give it all up now
-I just think happily ever after is not for me-I'm better off with happy right now and not waiting for after
...you get the picture.
I found this an intrusive and pointless question and I always matched the questioner by calling their bluff on it. I floored one particularly irritating friend of my mother (who asked me this EVERY time we met and loudly told me what I should do to get coupled up) by asking why she didn't get her moles removed, as if we were sharing life-enhacing tips it was only fair I reciprocated with some advice of my own.
I guess a little bit of defensiveness and defiance is good-I could never understand why people ask single people this-no-one ever asks me why I'm going out with someone now I've got a boyfriend:D

LegacyUser

Happens to me too. My uncle is always asking me have I met a girl yet or when am I going to get a girlfriend. He knows it annoys me but he does it anyway to piss me off! He's been doing it to me relentlessly for longer than I remember.. and in the presence of others as well! The males in his family were all ladies men and had girlfriends since they were very young, he got married young (19) as well. I on the other hand have hit my 20's and have not yet had a girlfriend which he clearly dissaproves off. So yeah.. hence the abuse

kjl

This is a silly thing to be worried about, the main question here is do you want a girlfriend?

LegacyUser

An aunt of mine used to always say in a really disappointed voice that it was such a shame I didnt have a boyfriend or wasnt settled in a relationship when all my cousins were. I avoided her whenever I could because it was so embarrassing as she said it to everybody within earshot and made me feel like a social outcast.

It was years later before I got together with somebody as it just wasnt something I felt comfortable with at the time (for reasons similar to your own). However I'm now very happy with my boyfriend. The ironic thing is that my aunt died before she could get over her disappointment with me!

OP it's never too late to start a relationship if that's what you want yourself. If you really want this, then you will have to make an effort and get out of your comfort zone but it will be worth it in the end. You are worthy of affection, the same as everybody else is.

extrinzic

I agree that the question in the title of the post is not, in my opinion, the main preoccupation of the OP. I don’t think the question here is whether or not the OP wants a girlfriend. Yes, this is the focal point of the OP’s desire to overcome himself. OP, you don’t need a girlfriend, you need to be aware of yourself and your potential. I suspect that you need to overcome at least some of the ideas you have about yourself.

ziggy_88 wrote: »

No matter how hard I try I can't convince myself I am worthy of a female's affection.

This is simply not true. You are probably more worthy than so many supposed partners. You are holding yourself back, and you can change this if you are prepared to move out of your comfort zone and listen to other people.

ziggy_88 wrote: »

I am not really able to chat up girls anyway, I'm not able to talk all that s**t that seems to come naturally to others.

There is no art to conversation; there is only willingness to listen, and a willingness to give. You have so much to give, don’t be selfish.

ziggy_88 wrote: »

I wish I could change it but I don't think I can.

You will never know this until you try. I don’t know you from Adam, but I know enough about people to know that we can’t help but change. You are always changing; with every encounter with the unknown our point of view is changed. We interpret everything “new”, or thus far, un-encountered with the sum total of all past experience, our pre judgment. This new experience (any new experience), or “revelation”, is absorbed by us into our life experience, and fundamentally alters our perception, our pre judgment capacity. You will never again see circumstances as you see them now. We cannot help but change our perspective with our experiences. You have to change. The question is, what do I want to be? (I’m not talking about your job.) You have to change, but you are still free to interpret. You are not determined by your past. If I was wounded in love, it is still my choice to dare to love again, or not. I can’t ignore my past, but I have control over who I wish to be. I could be killed un-expectantly, and never reach my goal. But this does not change the fact that I lived with my goal in mind. I’m talking about your life, holistically. Who the hell are you?

mood

They probably keep asking because you keep avoiding the question. What's wrong with saying 'no, not at the moment'. You don't have to say 'no, I've never had a girlfriend'.

And yes, it's never too late.

foxyboxer

ziggy_88 wrote: »

constantly fishing around trying to find out if I have a girlfriend. The sad and pathetic truth is I've never had one.

I fail to see how this is sad and pathetic. Who says it is? Society? All society has done is make us conform. Don't let yourself be defined by society's opinion.

LegacyUser

I don't know which is more pathetic;not having had a single girlfriend at 36 years of age or coming on here after work to check to see what people I don't even know say about it.:-).
It's become a problem for me now because I know fellas ten years younger than me that have been in three or four relationships and I haven't had one yet. I like women and have got on well with them in the past.
Some have liked me, on a platonic level and also found me attractive. I discussed this once with a girl (a friend) and she said "The problem is in your head". That really shook me up because it made me sound like some kind of nutter.
What p****s me off is that because I don't have a gfriend people assume I have no interest in them, which is completely untrue (I know for a fact my sister thinks this is the case). They don't understand and are ignorant of this problem I have.
Mike Tyson once said he had "the world's biggest ego and the world's lowest self-esteem".
I know exactly what he means.
I feel like I have missed out because I am a bit older and less attractive now (I'll be forty soon but I look quite young) . Having said that I was a bit of a muppet when I was younger and no girl would have wanted me anyway.
However, I don't want to grow old alone and not just for selfish reasons. I am a nice enough guy who just wants a girl to feel like I could be someone they could trust and would always be there for her.
I get angry and bitter when I see other fellas being successful with women.
I've thought about counselling and my mother has advised me a few times to go down this route but it would just be too humiliating.

LegacyUser

OP here is a newsflash for you ***** Women are people, plain and simple ****

You dont need to build them up in your head as to some sort of super beings beyond your reach
you dont need to talk sh*t to chat them up, just talk to them like any normal person

normally hello or how are you are a normal start point
they arent waiting for some mind shatter johnsonian speech

mood

I think the counselling might be a good idea. I'm sure they have hear it all!

SarahSassy

You could always reply 'Why make one woman miserable when i can make hundreds happy?'

waitinforatrain

OP, I once was just like you. Everyone here is saying that there's nothing stopping you but yourself, which is true, but to say you "just have to face your fear", you and I know it's not that simple. There has to be some sort of "how" to changing the way you think and perceive, that will allow you to live the life you want to live.

I started to figure out the "how" about two years ago. If you want to do the same, I suggest Prometheus Rising by Robert Anton Wilson as a starting point.


The thing about women is that they can read you like a book. If you're talking to a girl just for the sake of scoring them they can see right through you. You have to engage them and listen to them, to make a sincere connection. You can try doing this with anyone you meet, male or female. All you're doing is leaving your ego (your ideas about yourself) out of the conversation.

As a previous poster said: "you dont need to talk sh*t to chat them up, just talk to them like any normal person". If you do this with everyone, the people that you connect with and have things in common with will stick around.

Keep an open mind, and take small steps whenever you're in a frame of mind that you think you can do it. Good luck.

LegacyUser

SarahSassy wrote: »

You could always reply 'Why make one woman miserable when i can make hundreds happy?'

Heh, that's a good one I'll definitively use that! If I went for counselling I think it would help but is there really any point? I am at an age where I think it is too late anyway.
I feel like I have wasted my life. I mean I have to renew my passport soon, the one I have is expired after ten years without use. How sad is that? Going off the point I know but still, it shows what kind of a person I am. Why would any girl want to spend any time with someone like that? I haven't been anywhere or done anything interesting, ever.
I am not "charismatic" or interesting in any way. Harsh but true.

mood

ziggy_88 wrote: »

Heh, that's a good one I'll definitively use that! If I went for counselling I think it would help but is there really any point? I am at an age where I think it is too late anyway.
I feel like I have wasted my life. I mean I have to renew my passport soon, the one I have is expired after ten years without use. How sad is that? Going off the point I know but still, it shows what kind of a person I am. Why would any girl want to spend any time with someone like that? I haven't been anywhere or done anything interesting, ever.
I am not "charismatic" or interesting in any way. Harsh but true.

I think you could end up alone if you don't do something about it. 35 is still young. Plenty of time to sort your self out and meet someone.

SarahSassy

Op, what are your good points? PLease name 3.

LegacyUser

SarahSassy wrote: »

Op, what are your good points? PLease name 3.

1. I have "not too bad a face"
2. I spose I am reasonably smart (educated to degree level)
3. I try to help others if I can

You see I just don't have any experience of dating, other guys meet a girl in college or their first job while they are in their early twenties/late teens and it carries on from there. I didn't for various reasons ;bad acne, immaturity, lack of interest. I regret it now as it's led to the situation I am in now.
It's like I've woken up from a bad dream, "s**t, I'm going to be sitting here in ten years time, feeling that I have something to offer but a life of missed opportunities behind me".
Hey I know I am not the only one, there are others in far worse situations but still, I can't stand myself for it, it's embarrassing, shameful and pathetic.

extrinzic

mood wrote: »

They probably keep asking because you keep avoiding the question. What's wrong with saying 'no, not at the moment'. You don't have to say 'no, I've never had a girlfriend'.

It's not true. OP, whatever you do, be honest with yourself. You have issues, face up to them. You are going to die someday, Live now, whilst you can.

Edit.

ziggy_88 wrote: »

Hey I know I am not the only one, there are others in far worse situations but still, I can't stand myself for it, it's embarrassing, shameful and pathetic.

There is only so much crying I can listen too. I bet you are sick of your own crap. What are you going to do about it?

LegacyUser

ziggy_88 wrote: »

1. I have "not too bad a face"
2. I spose I am reasonably smart (educated to degree level)
3. I try to help others if I can

That's great! Ziggy you have no idea how often we women say things like "All I want is a nice, kind, intelligent guy who's half decent looking, is that too much to ask!"

Sounds like you have everything to offer. Seriously. Your lack of experience in no way affects your positive qualities as a potential partner. Please don't give up on yourself.

I recommend the counselling. You have to look yourself in the eye and commit yourself to doing something about developing your confidence. Saying it's already too late, that's the fear of failure talking. It's not too late.

planetX

Ziggy, you are way overthinking this. There are plenty of people out there on their own at your age, and frankly if you've had twenty lovers or none, it doesn't make any difference to your chances of meeting someone you click with.
You sound quite down on yourself, and that doesn't help when it comes to attracting people. I suggest you forget about 'searching' for someone, and start living for yourself. Even the best relationship won't fulfil you if you can't be happy with yourself. Don't look for someone to make you whole - date yourself for a while. You mentioned you've haven't travelled anywhere - there's a goal for you. Start saving to take yourself on a trip somewhere, even within Ireland, the more you get out and about, the more people you'll meet. If you're feeling too down to do that, try going to your gp or to a group meeting to build up yourself.

sunnyside

ziggy_88 wrote: »

I don't know which is more pathetic;not having had a single girlfriend at 36 years of age or coming on here after work to check to see what people I don't even know say about it.:-).
.

Asking for advice here isn't pathetic. It's smart bacause good advice is always given here. Maybe you could go to the boards beers as a social outlet.

ziggy_88 wrote: »

I mean I have to renew my passport soon, the one I have is expired after ten years without use. How sad is that? .

You don't need a girlfriend to use the passport. Travelling alone is a great experience

ziggy_88 wrote: »

You see I just don't have any experience of dating, other guys meet a girl in college or their first job while they are in their early twenties/late teens and it carries on from there. I didn't for various reasons ;bad acne, immaturity, lack of interest. I regret it now as it's led to the situation I am in now.
.

This is the exact same as my learning to drive issues. I was 30 and owned a house before I started driving mainly because I've always been city based. I felt pathetic turning up for driving lessons with instructors who deal mainly with 17 year olds. I hated it, felt it was something I should have done years ago, all the reasons you're giving . It wasn't easy or fun but the end result was worth the effort.

Nobody has suggested internet dating. Would you try that OP?

LegacyUser

extrinzic wrote: »

There is only so much crying I can listen too. I bet you are sick of your own crap. What are you going to do about it?

Hey I agree with you, I deserve a kick in the arse. But it's not as easy as you think to just "get up and do it". I get frustrated when I look in the corner of a pub and see some guy chatting up a bird as if it was the most natural thing in the world. I think "jeez I could never do that". I suppose I could get tanked up as that usually helps but I don't want to resort to that (women usually hate it anyway).
I suppose if I went out with a girl once I'd probably be thinking "that wasn't so bad" but on a date the onus is on the male to impress and put on a good impression. I don't like that kind of expectation.
Also, it's more than likely someone near enough to my own age I will go out with. How many women of that age have not been on a date before?
Thank yo all for your advice, I am determined to change my life and be more positive about myself and my capabilities as a person.

Firetrap

Ziggy - my heart goes out to you. I just want to say to you that at 36 you are not too old. You've not missed the boat. I've got female friends in and about your age who are only now settling into serious relationships after years of messing about with wasters and being single more often than not. There are plenty of women out there (myself included) who would love to meet a nice guy and don't care about their history. Unless that history involves a spell in prison for being an axe murderer

Like the others said, it's time for you to do some work with yourself. Make some changes in your life - I suspect you're in a rut. Don't rule out going on holiday alone. Myself and a couple of my friends have gone on holiday alone over the last few years and it's a surprisingly enjoyable experience. If you're a bit nervous about it, try a short break with a tour operator that does small group tours.

Don't try to get too hung up on having a girlfriend. Work on getting yourself some new hobbies or places to go to meet people. Make new friends. If you are more confident in yourself, your chances of meeting girls will improve. Women can practically smell the desperation and sends us running away.

JuliusCaesar

Firetrap wrote: »

Don't try to get too hung up on having a girlfriend. Work on getting yourself some new hobbies or places to go to meet people. Make new friends. If you are more confident in yourself, your chances of meeting girls will improve.

Your problem isn't not having a girlfriend - it's self-esteem. Get a self-help book on it, and do the above. (The shop assistant isn't going to notice what you buy!)

extrinzic

That’s better OP. I respect you more already. Now, stop worrying about the big picture for a while. To some degree, you know what you want (a girlfriend), but finding one is an entirely different matter. You can’t plan everything out beforehand; you have to look at your options as they arise. Baby steps. It’s about moving out of your comfort zone one inch at a time. You need to make the effort to talk with women when you’re out, and if you do, you will find it gets easier. You don’t have to be Don Juan of the bat (or ever for that matter). If you go up to her with too much eagerness, this may scare her off. Next time you are getting a round of drinks in, and there is a cute girl at the bar, smile at her. Ask her if she is having a good time. If she smiles back, say the first thing that comes into your head. Comment on the music, or the weather, anything to get started. Only thing is, be honest. If travel is the subject, tell her you have never been, but you plan to go. It’s much easier to remember the truth, and the truth is never as dull as you might first think. There is always something to laugh about if you relax and bounce off people. Baby steps. If things don’t light up the first few times, take a deep breath and try again. Don’t be defeatist. Give yourself a chance, give yourself plenty of chances.

Edit: Look into evening classes. Take up salsa dancing!

LegacyUser

hi OP,

As another poster said it is not the lack of girlfriend that is your issue here - it's your self esteem and beliefs about yourself. You have just chosen to make it all about being single and not having a girlfriend. Not having a girlfriend now, or ever, is just a symtom of a deeper rooted issue - core beliefs about yourself. I do undertand that is it difficult for you and you sound lonely but I am also getting a sense of self pity from you. It's not fair that other guys chat up girls in bars - how do you know what's going on with these other guys? they could be just as frightened as you but facing their fears. Ironically when we are depressed or feeling bad about ourselves we become very self absorbed. You are presuming that others are feeling sorry for you, the counsellor will judge you etc. I can assure you that counsellor will not be judging you in the least. Self absorption and victim mentality are not attractive. try chatting to people and make them the focus not your insecurties. I would definetely recommend counselling for you. Somewhere along the way you learnt you are not good enough and you have carried that forward. I think underneath it all you are angry and will become worse if you don't do something about it. Sometimes we behave in ways that we are unconscious to us. You are maybe vibing off "I am not good enough" and its amazing how quickly others pick that up. Take the next step and move forward with your life. You are 36 not 63 -years ago that might have seemed old but today 36 and siingle is actually very normal. If it helps at all I am in my 30s and single. Sometimes it sucks and is lonely but I focus on being happy and appreciating what I have. I don't make everyting about having the ultimate prize as in a boyfriend. Also, whatever demons you have as a single person will come back to haunt you in a relationships. Other people are not there to fix us or take away or problems or complete us - they are there to compliment us.if you had a girlfriend would you then start worrying that she is going to cheat, leave etc. Do you see where I am going with this. Not having a girlfriend is not the issue it is you and how you view yourself and how little value you place on yourself.Hope this helps?

SarahSassy

ziggy_88 wrote: »

1. I have "not too bad a face"
2. I spose I am reasonably smart (educated to degree level)
3. I try to help others if I can

You should have no bother meeting someone nice. Girl in their 30's would love to meet a nice guy, educated and nice to look at. Why not believe your own good points rather than focus on any negatives (which we all have). Give internet dating a go and just try to think positive.