Unhappy in relationship, feel hemmed in

LegacyUser

I'm a 24yo guy, she's a 21yo lady. Been going out nearly 20 months.

(I'm a longtime poster on boards going anonymous)

The main problems here are (i) my honesty, and (ii) her security.

Background:

I have an ex-girlfriend who lives in Canada. 4 years ago she was here for 9 months, we went out for 7 of them. We were good as friends, terrible as a couple. She cheated on me and another guy with each other. She did some other very bad stuff that I won't go into here. It's been just over 3 years since I've seen her (she's back in Canada).

We never really kept in contact except for the odd email every 6 months to a year. And two years ago she added me on Facebook. Pretty sparse.

Then I meet this awesome girl who is the present girlfriend. I tell her that the ex randomly called me and she flips out, so I flip out and we had a huge argument about it. She then gives me an ultimatum: never to contact this girl again or else she'll break us up.

My problem with this wasn't that I couldn't talk to the ex anymore - my curiousity towards her life now is minimal - but that my supposed girlfriend was telling me who I couldn't talk to, and with an ultimatum at that. Had she asked me I probably would have agreed. Also, I knew it wouldn't be the end of the matter, and that her insecurity would come back and she'd ask me to do something else in the same way. Bad precedent, I figured. But I went along to keep the peace.

A few months later, the gf decides to make me ''un-friend'' the ex on Facebook, with the same ultimatum with the same threatened consequences. Now, I coundn't give a rat's ass if the ex ''un-friended'' me on facebook. But what annoyed me was that she was dictating to me the terms of my relationship with others. Also, that this action is incredibly petty and she was asking me to do something that is not in my character - it was like being asked to steal a bike or something.

And it didn't help her insecurity. It was over a year ago, but every few weeks she still brings up the ex (lives 3,500 mile away, failed relationship, no contact) and makes me explain and justify my history with her. It's not that she just has questions, she asks things like ''How could you go out with such a bad person?'' and shames the crap outta me. And it might go on for hours.

A few weeks ago I was at a pc and the ex-girlfriend crossed my mind. So I said to myself, ''Enough of this nonsense, I want to email her, I'll ****in email her''. So I did. Didn't tell the girlfriend because she makes me feel so trapped and rule-bound that I simply can't be honest with her. Invariably, she lets her emotional reaction to something misrepresent the situation. She found out because every so often she goes through my emails. She denies it, but she does. I know it.

Oh, God, the rules. I'm cool with rules in a relationship, but I feel like I should be allowed to make at least one. I gave up smoking for her over a year ago (with a few missteps and relapses, I'll admit, but God knows it's hard!) and every day she still quizzes me. And quizzes me about contacting the ex about once a week. It was a huge argument to convince her that it wasn't ok to randomly go through my pockets at the end of the day without asking me. She doesn't want me to get involved in anything. I'll say I joined a group/society/party and she'll be like ''Tch''. I feel utterly trapped sometimes. Like I'm her Ken doll.

Recommendations?

LegacyUser

i cant give you any advice as im also in a similar situation, i can only sympathise. If people like us were allowed go out and meet new people we might be able to come up with a solution, but we are not... i shall be keeping an eye on this thread too.....

shellyboo

She sounds like hard work, OP - is she worth it?

Gyalist

You made a rod for your own back by agreeing to her ultimatums, and yet you seem to have a fear of losing her.

Relationships are supposed to enhance your life not make your life more difficult.

Taltos

Op - you already know the answer to this.

Just read your last paragraph, then ask yourself - is this relationship helping you grow - or is it making you feel bad about yourself.

Think we both know the answer to that. Truth is this is a toxic relationship.
You have a few choices - none of them easy.

1. End it.
2. Accept it and continue to lose yourself - it will get worse.
3. Deal with the problem. Sit her down and keeping calm let her know that while you love her you do not respect her for what she has been doing. While you went along for the sake of peace you can no longer do this. Either she accepts you and your friends or it is time to move on before you wake up in a few years and wonder who you really are.

She might change. She might. But I doubt it.

Pocket Pillager

This relationship is all about her. It's an ego boost for her whereby you constantly jump to her demands and she ups the bar another little bit. You care about her, so you acquiesce to these demands, whereas she just merely threatens to dump you?? That's how much she means to you, and how much you mean to her?

As for personal experience, there is *no way* that the bf and I would have lasted to date almost 4 years if our relationship had been dictated by rules and ultimatums. Also, trust helps a lot. If, over a year in, we had been unable to look at each and think, "I trust that person entirely", then we both would have been thinking, "where is this relationship going??"

Every so often, when you look back on your relationship and where you have gone in it since a year ago/2 years ago/3 years ago, you have to feel like you've moved on from somewhere, that you've developed something, that things are even better now than they were then. If you can't do that, you're in trouble. You either need to "have the dreaded talk, where everything is up for open honest discussion, or you walk.

LegacyUser

This is so similr to the situation I have found myself in over the last year. Basically had similar demands, and if I didn't succumb to these it meant I didn't care, didn't love her. The worse thing was though she was extremely sensitive, so when we argued bout these things I had to tiptoe around what I said in order to avoid her completely losing it altogether. i mean calling her sensitive alone would of meant her not speaking to me. And what made it EVEN WORSE was that she had no porblem saying things like "I don't want to be with someone who treats me like that etc..." and i would reply "well i don't wanne be with someone who does this etc etc.", but wen i reply with that, she wud be like "SEE, so you odnt want to be with me" even though i was just respondin to what she said!!! It's a horrible situation to be in. All i wanted to do wen we argue was hang up or leave the room, but I cudnt becaus if I did, that would be confirmation for her that I didnt love her or she'd say I was abandoning her.

Her good parts were amazing, don't get me wrong I've never met anyone like her in that sense, but a relationship has to be fair, equal, without double standards. there's no way a relationship can work without those things.

best of luck mate.

SarahSassy

also hemmed... wrote: »

if people like us were allowed go out and meet new people we might be able to come up with a solution, but we are not... i shall be keeping an eye on this thread too.....[/QUOTte]

allowed? You are making you own bed sunshine. Can't blame anyone but yourself. You stay and accept this behaviour and you only have yourself toblame - stop acting The victim

bSlick

She's comletely out of order but it's your own fault you are experiencing this problem op. It seems like alot of men just dont have any balls these days and will put up with awful crap from their gfs. It's complete nonsense to let her dictate you like that. This going through your emails and phone thing is more BS that you shouldn't have to put up with. I'd dump a girl if they were disrespecting my privacy like that. Seriously don't put up with any more BS, the next time she tries to dictate your life just say 'I will do exactly as I please, get used to it'. Like what is she going to do about that? Break up with you? Well let her on then, if not being able to dictate your life is a deal breaker for her, so be it, you'll be well rid of her.

Tbh, she sounds like a right pain in the hole, have you considered that maybe you're just not right together and you would be better off getting a more chilled out gf? Btw, she is not gonna get better, in fact you can be almost guaranteed she will get even more controlling as the relationship progresses.

Beruthiel

Need Advice wrote: »

Oh, God, the rules. I'm cool with rules in a relationship, but I feel like I should be allowed to make at least one. I gave up smoking for her over a year ago (with a few missteps and relapses, I'll admit, but God knows it's hard!) and every day she still quizzes me. And quizzes me about contacting the ex about once a week. It was a huge argument to convince her that it wasn't ok to randomly go through my pockets at the end of the day without asking me. She doesn't want me to get involved in anything. I'll say I joined a group/society/party and she'll be like ''Tch''. I feel utterly trapped sometimes. Like I'm her Ken doll.

Recommendations?

Recommendations?

Run for the hills FAST.
That paragraph makes her sound frighteningly controling.

While you allow her to control you like that, it will get worse as the years go on. You have given her permission to cross so many lines, it's not even funny.
Seriously.
Nobody has the right to make you do anything, even give up smoking. That is your choice to make, not hers.

Nobody has the right to badger you on a weekly basis about something that is over and in the past.
Nobody has the right to go through your pockets/phone/computer/whatever, without your permission.

Grow a pair my man. You know what must be done.

themacdaddy

Sorry but you sound like a doormat....I think it is time for you to give her the ultimatum. Sit her down and tell her how you feel. Tell her SHE needs to change or else you will leave. She may just respect you more for standing up for yourself! No one likes a doormat and sadly you seem to be coming accross as one at the moment.

Best of luck,

I hope it works out for ye!

foodie66

Really can't understand why you put up with it. To be so obsessed with an ex who lives in a different country and who obviously have finished with for good is weird!! We can all be a little wary of partners still being mates with ex'es but you have to be logical. She is being completely irrational. I presume you are not giving her any reason to be possessive ie: flirty with other girls etc.

If you really love this girl then you have to talk to her about it and get it sorted. If she doesn't relax and leave you some breathing space then get out. Find a girl who will let you be an adult and make your own decisions.

And also how can she even get into your email? That is not on at all, a huge invasion of privacy. Change your passwords.

magneticimpulse

Hey I want to give a different opinion to everyone else. As ive done the same to a guy before. Ok smoking, yeah i dont like it and its really a habit i cant live with. Mainly my grandmother died a horrible death from lung cancer and being a non smoker I dont like kissing people just after they have smoke, they smell of smoke etc and especially inside the same house I end up choking. Unfortunately Ive fallen for a few guys who were smokers and they have given up like yourself bar the odd one here and there.

The ex gf thing. Yeah my ex mentioned how sad he was that things didnt work out with a certain facebook friend. I got annoyed and I think he deleted her as a friend. But it worked both ways. As I deleted all ex bf/friends from facebook too. For me it was absolutely no problem unfriending these people as tbh it wasnt like they were "best friends" or kept in touch that often. I became facebook friends again with the ex's after breaking up with recent ex. For me my relationship to my boyfriend was more important. Some people have no problem with ex's and some people do. The girls who do, is it really worth all this hassle to keep in contact with the Canada friend? I mean if ya only email her once a year ya still have email.

A relationship is about comprimise. These "might" be the only 2 things that this girl has a problem with. The worse thing you can do is go behind her back to do things in spite of what she says, like revenge. Sounds like you starting to act in this way. Then trust in the relationship goes completely down the tube.

Im sure she is a mature adult and sounds like communication is breaking down. From my own experience, just be mature and talk about it. Say how you feel, be honest. From my own experience, my ex was very bad at communicating and started to lie about things and the trust went out the window. Whereas previous boyfriends had nothing to hide and i never had the problem before.

At least chat about it first.

LegacyUser

to the poster who offered the "different advice", you voluntarily removed your exs from facebook, you didn't have a boyfriend demanding you did it. If you felt it was an act of loyalty to your boyfriend then fair enough and a very decent act on your part, but the OP is in a situation where he can't even make that decision himself, he's being TOLD to remove people from facebook. That's controlling, unhealthy and as one poster says 'a toxic relationship'. I'm afraid the girlfriend sounds like she has insecurity issues, I wouldn't exactly run for the hills just yet....but if you are serious about the girl I'm afraid you'll have to ask her to get some counselling for her issues....which effectively will end the relationship because if she's willing to split over who you have as a friend on facebook she'll split when you tell her she's a nut job !!!

barleybooley

If you're posting here OP, I think you've your own mind made up about the situation. If she's making you this unhappy (and from your post it seems like this has been the situation for a while) what's making you stay? If it's a case that you want to stay then have you ever actually asked her why she doesn't trust you? To be honest though OP, it seems like you already know what you should do and are just looking for confirmation of this.

scarymoon1

i was like your girlfriend once. I gave an ex an ulitmaition - never to contact an ex of his again or else! He agreed but i secretly knew he still talked to her, it was fairly innocent ( kind-of, i wont go into it) but it ruined us, him still contacting her. At the time I thought I was in the right that he should choose - her or me. But they were just friends. Anyway to cut a long story short - he ended the relationhsip with me saying i needed to sort myself out. And now - I have more or less I was totally wrong in alot of things I did with my ex - I was insecure and childish. And the reality of us breaking up made me see how I was. I feel you need to do the same with your girlfriend - she sounds like me back then and I don't think she is mature enough for the relationship at the moment. She needs to sort herself out.

magneticimpulse

scarymoon1 wrote: »

i was like your girlfriend once. I gave an ex an ulitmaition - never to contact an ex of his again or else! He agreed but i secretly knew he still talked to her, it was fairly innocent ( kind-of, i wont go into it) but it ruined us, him still contacting her. At the time I thought I was in the right that he should choose - her or me. But they were just friends. Anyway to cut a long story short - he ended the relationhsip with me saying i needed to sort myself out. And now - I have more or less I was totally wrong in alot of things I did with my ex - I was insecure and childish. And the reality of us breaking up made me see how I was. I feel you need to do the same with your girlfriend - she sounds like me back then and I don't think she is mature enough for the relationship at the moment. She needs to sort herself out.

hey scarymoon1...yeah we both did the same thing. im not so proud either. i think the overall point is, she is 21 and still learning about relationships. i think it goes on a girls list of things not to do in a future relationship. like scarymoon, ive copped on so much about the way i behaved with my previous ex. i dont know why women come programmed in such a way of how things should be done. but it seems like guys have to unprogramme (at least some of us).

at the same time, i think, why does a guy make a big issue out of this little thing? my "woman" way of thinking would be, ex gf, bit overfriendly for my liking, cut down/cut contact, end of discussion. instead making a big fuss and dance about it, blows the issue completely out of control. if guys were dull about such things, girls wouldnt give a second thought to the situation. I think alot of us have been there at some stage and no longer act in this way, because a guy actually said "look this is a bit over the top". seriously if you treat her like an adult she should start acting like one. treat her like a child and she will be a complete drama queen and live up to childish reputation.

yeah ya can break up with her, but the next girlfriend will prob have some other problems like porn mags etc. so i think its better to learn how to discuss these things rather then make a big song and dance. nip it in the bud