When is a friendship over?

LegacyUser

I need to go unreg for this.
I've been friends with "Jane" from the first year we met in college. We have had a row or two over the years but always made up. She went in a different direction to me after college and we lost touch for a while but I maintained contact and we've been friends for the past ten years now. Since I have known her she has been very difficult to rely on in terms of keeping arrangments. She has been known not to answer her phone or reply to texts when a group of us are confirming arrangments for dinner or a weekend away etc. She has also been known to cancel plans at the last minute, to great inconvenience (eg a ticked bought for a show which she has yet to pay for, flights booked on another friend's credit card, you get the picture).
I made a decision to stop getting in touch with her to invite her to social events as I had been let down too many times. I had often arranged drinks after work on a Friday, called and left a voicemail or sent a text/email to confirm and, three or four times in a row, she cancelled on me. On another occasion we arranged a big girly night, dinner, dancing etc and which I re-arranged several other plans for, as I had not seen her in a while and wanted a good catch up. I did not hear from her on the day, at 5pm I called her, left a voicemale and did not hear anything from her for a week, when I got a text saying she was very sorry but she had had a "family emergency" and could not make it to our night out.
I feel guilty about this, but I don't believe her excuses any more and if she had a problem I'm not sure I'd feel obliged to help her. We've been through a lot together, but I have started to realise our friendship seems to come on her terms and she has little or no regard for my priorities/arrangments or that of our group of friends. She is the first to come to us for advice and help when she has a man problem but when a friend's sister was diagnosed with cancer she was nowhere to be seen, even though we all rallied round, as anyone would in such circumstances.
Like I said I've decided to let her do the running for a change and she has not taken the bait. She told another friend she is too busy in work for the next few weeks to even consider meeting up and TBH this sounds like another excuse to me. My question is, when is it worth maintaining a friendship and when is it over? Did we have a superficial relationship all along and I'm only realising it now? I know it sounds like I get nothing from this friendship, but we have had many happy times through the years and she has been there for me a number of times when I had a family crisis or two but for the past year I cannot rely on her any more and I'm fed up with slotting into her plans.

cafecolour

Well, the unreliable sort such as her is much harder to tolerate when you get older and everything tends to be much more planned. But you have been close to her and there wasn't a falling out, so I don't see the need to declare the friendship 'over'.

The way to do deal with such people is just never to make plans around them, let them pop up when they will. For instance, if you're going out with a few friends, invite her along on the occasion - 'hey, we're going to XXXXX at XXXXX, come along if you want.'. If she shows, great, if she doesn't you're with the other mates and it's grand.

mayogirl76

mayogirl76 wrote: »

Since I have known her she has been very difficult to rely on in terms of keeping arrangments ... Did we have a superficial relationship all along and I'm only realising it now? ... for the past year I cannot rely on her any more and I'm fed up with slotting into her plans

"Jane" seems to be perfectly consistent, something in you has changed.

From the start you worked at maintaining a relationship with someone in a manner which you found frustrating and, at times, upsetting ... but you kept at it. "Jane" will not "take the bait" because nothing has changed from her point of view, everything is normal. She's as unaware and unconcerned about your friendship as she's always been. I don't mean any offence to "Jane" but this is the way she is, the way she's always been but it's YOU who've been trying to fit a square peg into a round hole.

I'm afraid you must either accept "Jane" on her terms, the terms she's offered since the start ... or let her go.

LegacyUser

I should mention that another friend in the group has confronted "Jane" over this and was told to stop being such a drama queen about a planned week away which she committed to and then pulled out of. This has led to a bit of tension as some of us (me included) want to pull back and let "Jane" just show up when we're already at something, thereby avoiding waiting for her to commit or waiting for her to drop us and those who think that's just how she is and want to continue to include her, even if it in inconvient to the rest of us.
This is why I need advice-should I avoid a situation where I'm asksed to chip in when buying tickets (so we sit together!) for concerts, plays or other stuff or just tell friends I'm not footing the bill and will pay my own, if they want to pay for "Jane" and rely on her thats fine? I don't want to row with everyone else in the group, but I have really decided I no longer have as much respect or affection for her any more and want to distance myself.

OK, so there are two problems here ... the first is the friendship/emotional issue you have with "Jane" letting you down over the years and it seems you've already decided to distance yourself from her ... fine.

As for the second problem ... this is just an economic/organisational issue. If the others are happy enough to waste money on no-show "Jane", that's their look-out, they're clearly not as bothered about her behaviour.

If you're saying this is the only problem the solution is simple .... it's not often an event comes where everyone's tickets have to be bought at the same time to ensure you're sitting together, so when it does let someone else be the Treasurer. There shouldn't be any chipping in if everyone is paying for their own ticket and let one of your other friends be "Jane's" banker.

You can still be friends with everyone without making an issue of this, seeing as you are now clear as to how you feel yourself about Jane ...?

nesbitt

Generally I have one rule of thumb that could apply here. If someone constantly subtracts from me than they are not worthy or being a friend but if they mostly add to me than they are...

However, I'll go out of my way for a friend in crisis if I know that when the chips are down they will do the same for me.

LegacyUser

Do you actually like Jane?

That;s a good place to start.

Then ask yourself: "if I just met Jane now for the first time would I want to befriend her?" (knowing what you know about her)

Then ask yourself "would I be that bothered if I never met Jane ever again?"

That should answer your question.

If not, then ask yourself a question like (and it can be any other social engagement or important event): "Right, it's my wedding coming up.... I want all my close friends and family at it... do I want to invite Jane?"

Or, do you just hang out with her because you know her and have some history.

Some friends can be flakey and worth it - you mightn't see them that often but when you do it's always fun AND worth it .... worth staying in touch with them for those nights out. But, you know that they will rarely call, are a bit lazy and aren't the friends you should be depending on.

After a friend of my "crew" got sick recently, I realised that I was the only one who stepped in to help him. I couldn't believe that the lads buried their heads in the sand and did nothing for him (or even help me help him despite me asking). That's when I decided the friendships were over. I decided that I had higher standards for friends and haven't been out with them since - in fact, I don't regard them as friends anymore. It opened my eyes to the type of people I actually did want to be friends with.

thefeatheredcat

Some great advice already here... wanted to add my two cents.

Having someone cancel on you gets frustrating over time especially if there are genuine intentions.

Have you asked her if everything is ok in her life? Some of her excuses could be genuine although it gets hard to tell the longer it goes on.

Jackie Brown raised something there about fitting a square peg into a round hole...very valid. Maybe you just have to accept that she's flakey and that's who she is.

In the meantime, for you personally you have a chance to distance yourself from someone who sounds like is getting you down, even if it's just you drawing your own conclusions and going by your own perception.
You could just let her come to you and see what happens.

If you think the friendship is strong enough, you should fight for it. But you need to know when also to walk away.

nodirectionhome

I can see its frustrating if you have booked tickets for her etc, but mayeb you could just accept she is unreliable, not invite her to so many places. It sounds like you put a bit of pressure on to be honest, as people get older they dont tend to live in each others pockets so much and sometimes time does go on for a few weeks where you might'nt see a friend.
THe nice part is when you do see them and picking up where you left off. If you cant be bothered with her fair enough, but if you still like the person, maybe you just need to relax a little and spend time with people who have the same standards and stick to arrangements the way you do, and just see this girl whenever but dont rely on her.

LegacyUser

Hi All
I want to say that it is not me puttin pressure on "Jane". The after work drinks are generally suggested by her, but then she decides to cancel. Likewise, she has often suggested a group outing to a play or movie, only to leave us waiting for her with no contact until after the event is over. I know as adults our social lives will change. A few of us have houses and naturally are not out clubbing every weekend and some of us (myself incl) are in serioue relationships so when we do meet, its usually once a month or so. TBH I think she has gotten much worse lately. I was amazed when she did not seem bothered or interested when a friend's sister got sick. However, when she needs to talk about her turbulent relationship with her on-off boyfriend there is no problem with her phoning and texting/emailing to meet up-like I said its on her terms.
I think maybe I'm hanging onto this because we have been through a lot, but part of me really wouldn't mind if a only saw her occasionally. I would want her at my wedding, but I would also secretly be wondering if she would even turn up. This is a girl who barely made it to her brother's wedding because she spent too long in the hairdressers-I know that is a cutting remark but its true and when I heard this I wanted to ask her if she was for real and where her priorities really are.
She is becoming like the girl who cried wolf TBH and I would not drop everything to help her because I just don't know if it would be true-no-on has that many "family emergencies" week after week.

lazygal

Just saw this and wanted to post. This girl does not sound like she's worth the hassle. Habit is not reason to keep a friendship going if, as it sounds, its all give from one side and the other just takes. Leave her alone and let her chase after you OP.