Can't get over how I was dumped

LegacyUser

I have terrible luck with guys. My first serious boyfriend dumped me by text after messing me around for the last month of our relationship. The next guy I went out with was the guy I lost my virginity to and I thought we had a very solid relationship until he wanted to take a break for a week to think about things and then dumped me over the phone.
I'm now with an amazing guy. He takes me out for great dates and really spoiled me for my birthday. Now he's just told me he's taking me away for a week after Christmas for a holiday in the sun. Sometimes I can't believe my luck and deep down I wonder when this "fairytale" romance is going to blow up in my face. I think it's the classic defence mechanism, where I'm putting up barriers in case this great guy screws me around like the other two did.
What really gets to me(I realised this after a period of self-reflection!) is how these two dumped me. I can't believe two in a row would treat me with such little respect after committing to me and expressing how much they care for me. I'm actually more annoyed about the text dumping because its such an impersonal thing to do. The other guy at least had the decency to pick up the phone, although it's not that much better is it?
How can I get over the feeling which sneaks up on me sometimes that my new boyfriend will do the same? The relationship feels more solid and he is very committed to me-he's even mentioned buying a place together and is planning our summer hols for June. This sounds great, but I've heard it all before! I'm in my late 20s and sometimes I wonder if you can trust anybody with your feelings. Please help.

ash23

You have to realise that these guys are not your current fella.
Just because they did that (wimps!), doesn't mean it will happen with your current beau.

I've been cheated on by all my boyfriends Sad but true.
And while I know I will really struggle to trust someone again, I also know that the 4 guys who cheated were 4 guys out of billions on this planet so pretty mad to tar them all with the same brush because of those 4!

I also know that I only need to meet one guy, the right one, and I think out of billions he has to be knocking around somewhere


You don't know what will happen in a day, a month, a year. No point dwelling on it. You aren't Mystic Meg so all you can do is take your fella at face value. He is saying and doing all the right things and you need to focus on that instead of dwelling on the negative.

Take some time to think about your exs and how you were dumped. Try to realise that being dumped sucks, whether it's done nicey nice or on a post it. It hurts, it dents your confidence and it leaves you feeling like sh1t.
But realise this......if those guys hadn't dumped you, where would you be now? Would you have a wonderful guy like your current fella or would you be still with those guys? Which would you prefer?
See it as them doing you a favour, allowing you to move on from them and find the happiness you deserve.

I know that sounds very much like I'm wearing a headscarf and long flowing skirts while burning incense and drinking green tea and tying myself to a tree, but I'm not a loved up hippy I'm a normal, cynical girl. But I know every breakup I've experienced has brought me a lot.

One gave me my wonderful daughter which was a disaster at the time but has given me the most joy. My most recent breakup brought me closer to my family and friends. I now have the life I want, i'm content. And rather than wanting a boyfriend to make my life happy, I want someone to share my happy life.
I think all my breakups and dumping and pain and anguish have made me who I am and I'm pretty great if I do say so myself

I'm sure that your exs have helped you learn little lessons. You just have to dig hard sometimes to find the silver lining.

Xterminator

i would add, that theres no nice way of telling someone you dont want to be with them anymore.

some people get off on hurting others, but if we assume they were not being malicious, in this case.


i expect they were thinking about themselves, and didnt want to face an uncomfortable situation, with possible conflict, or someone crying etc. It might help to bear this in mind, that it isnt a reflection on you, but on them.

dumping someone by text is IMO just shocking behaviour.

dumpee

dumpee wrote: »

I had terrible luck with guys.

Fixed your post

Seriously, you need to accept the fact that your "luck" has changed and you've found a good guy. Maybe this is more difficult for you than most because your first serious relationships ended badly, but this just means you need to work a little bit harder to believe in the good that exists in people.

LegacyUser

Thanks guys,
I know I have to accept that what has happened happened for a reason but please hear me out!
My first dumping by text (NEVER saw it coming and still can't believe this is how he chose to end it!) led to my second relationship which also ended in phone-related dumping. I was actually too embarassed to tell my friends how these relationships ended so I had to say we had just drifted apart - how sad that I am embarassed when THEIR behviour was so terrible?
My twisted logic seems to be that ergo this relationship will lead to dumping. I know its irrational and people get over being dumped, its never nice, but none of my friends have been treated like this. I can't help think that there has to be a catch somewhere and this amazing guy will treat me like the last two.
I can't be unlucky a third time can I?

dublingal80

dont keep thinkin about your past relationships and how they ended. They have nothing to do with your current boyfriend and your relatinship with him

my ex treated me so badly that i had no interest in men for a while, and when i did meet my oh, i was so guarded and kept him at bay for a while. was waiting for him to be the prick that i had always met in my past. over 3 years later we are still together and as happy as can be

it CAN happen. it doesnt have to end in someone getting hurt, but if you keep pushing him away it may do

dumpee

dumpee wrote: »

I have terrible luck with guys ... Sometimes I can't believe my luck and deep down I wonder when this "fairytale" romance is going to blow up in my face ... I'm putting up barriers in case this great guy screws me around like the other two did ... I've heard it all before! I'm in my late 20s and sometimes I wonder if you can trust anybody with your feelings

dumpee wrote: »

My twisted logic seems to be that ergo this relationship will lead to dumping ... I can't help think that there has to be a catch somewhere and this amazing guy will treat me like the last two

OP, no-one can or will tell you it won't happen a third time. You should seriously consider some counselling to help with this negativity and the lack of closure you have with your earlier relationships before you destroy your current relationship yourself. At the very least Google the term "self-fulfilling prophecy"

extrinzic

It’s nice to be spoilt and all, and I know you have reservations about what might become of you if you fall in love. I would say that you cannot ignore what has happened to you in the past. Most people are selfish, and this is hardly surprising. Indeed, most of us are raised like spoilt brats, with an enormous sense of entitlement – probably an instinctive impulse in parents to raise the chances of offspring survival. Anyway, your partner is spoiling you now, and obviously has much interest in impressing you. You should enjoy this, and reciprocate. You should not take him for granted, that is, do not assume he is committed to you because you are such a wonderful person. Do not assume that he can’t help himself. Similarly, do not assume he will never feel this way. If you want to trust him, he needs to earn this over time. And if he eventually trusts you, it will be because you have earned it. Otherwise he is a fool. The thing about trust is it takes a lifetime to build, and a second to collapse. If you can both remember this, then you may be good together.

Edit: If you didn't tell your friends the truth about how you were dumped, then you can hardly expect them to tell you how they were dumped. Chances are, they were treated like crap at some point too.

JohnThomas09

dumpee wrote: »

Thanks guys,
I know I have to accept that what has happened happened for a reason but please hear me out!
My first dumping by text (NEVER saw it coming and still can't believe this is how he chose to end it!) led to my second relationship which also ended in phone-related dumping. I was actually too embarassed to tell my friends how these relationships ended so I had to say we had just drifted apart - how sad that I am embarassed when THEIR behviour was so terrible?
My twisted logic seems to be that ergo this relationship will lead to dumping. I know its irrational and people get over being dumped, its never nice, but none of my friends have been treated like this. I can't help think that there has to be a catch somewhere and this amazing guy will treat me like the last two.
I can't be unlucky a third time can I?

Live for the moment.Forget about the past and think for the future.If it doesnt work out so be it but their will always be other fellas.Dont be so negative about your current realtionship.

If you dont believe its going to work then it wont work.Forget about the others that have flawed your trust towards men and let this fella treat you like you deserve.Best of Luck with it.

LegacyUser

Thanks guys, the support and nice words are great and much appreciated!
I think, as one poster said, its the lack of closure which gets to me the most. I never got a chance with either of my exs to tell them how I felt about them dumping me and draw a line under the relationships, especially with the guy who dumped me by text (I was physically ill when I read the message, he didn't even attempt to say we should talk it out or anything). I am starting to feel a bit better, but what I cannot get my head around is why they treated me so badly if they professed to care about me. If I want to break it off I at least treat the dumpee (which I have been!!!) like a person with feeling and not like an inconvenience to be gotten rid of in a fast way which suits me.
Anyway, I do not want to let these losers define my relationship with my new man, who, in fairness, is so much nicer and treats me so well-maybe I need to accept his love a little more and not look for ulterior motives in his gestures of affection!
Thanks