Could I have been sexually abused?

LegacyUser

I've been wondering for a while if I may have been sexually abused as a child. I'm a female in my late twenties. A few things that make me wonder, in chronological order:

1. When I was about 5, a male doctor visited my (all-girls) school. We had to take it in turns to go and see him and be weighed and stuff, and we had to undress. We were only allowed to keep our knickers on. None of the other girls was bothered, but I became hugely distressed at the thought of being made to undress in front of a man. The other girls went to see the doctor quietly, but I cried my eyes out, screamed the place down and locked myself in the toilet so I wouldn't have to go. (this was unusual behaviour for me, I went to a very strict school and usually would never dare to directly disobey an order.) The school ended up having to call my mother to come and reason with me, in the end I was made to see the doctor and was extremely distressed about it.

2. I was masturbating at least by the age of 9, maybe before, by shoving foreign objects inside my vagina. From an even younger age than that I was always chasing boys and trying to get them to kiss me and show me their privates. When I was that young at the all-girls school and there were no boys around I would even try and get the girls to pretend to be boys and I would try and kiss them. When I was about 9 I even persuaded my younger sister to snog me so we could see what it was like.

3. Whenever I played with my Barbie, Ken and Cindy (obviously I was about 10 and younger then), I always made Cindy and Barbie virtually Ken's sex slaves, he would hit them and use them both for his own sexual pleasure and just generally distress them.

4. As a child, whenever I doodled, I drew pictures of women being sexually assaulted/humiliated.

5. Even as an adult, I can only orgasm by thinking about being sexually assaulted/humiliated.

6. My whole life I have had dreams about scary men. Sometimes it would just be a sinister man lurking outside waiting for me, sometimes a scary man outside in the dark screaming at me, I've even had dreams of being gang-raped that are so terrifying I wake up crying.

7.I've always been depressed, I don't know why. I have a good family, good education, good job, good home, friends, enough money. But I always think about suicide. I've been on anti-depressants on and off since the age of about 15. I self-harmed from the ages of 16-17. I attempted suicide in my late teens. I'm not immediately suicidal right now but the thought is always there. My family are quite huggy, my mum and sister are always hugging and sharing their feelings, but I hate that, I go stiff if someone tries to hug me, even my own family, and I cannot share my feelings openly. I don't like much company either, I prefer to spend most of my time alone.

8. In my twenties I got into an abusive relationship with a man who hit and raped me. Why? Why would I be attracted to someone like that and why did I stay with him for so long?

9. I have low self-esteem, I have eating problems, I binge and purge, I go through periods of either shagging random men or else being totally celibate for years, I feel that I'm not good enough for a good man to fall in love with and marry.

10. When I was a pre-teen, I would suddenly be overcome with feelings of intense shame for no apparent reason. Like if we were just driving along in the car or whatever, suddenly I would feel so ashamed that I actually felt physically sick. Why?

11. When I inserted objects into myself as a pre-teen, I don't think there was any bloackage at all there. When I had sex with a man for the first time in my 20's, I didn't bleed, there was no hymen. Is this normal?

12. Since before the age of 9 or so, I have been constantly sexually aroused, all day every day. I masturbate multiple times a day and can't think about anything other than sex to the point that it stops me from getting on with other things. But when I do have sex, it's like I'm not involved in what's going on, I'm just going through the motions and I don't really get anything out of it.

I have no memories whatsoever of being sexually abused. But how else can I explain all of the above? Someone help me.

MizzLolly

veryconfuzed wrote: »

8. In my twenties I got into an abusive relationship with a man who hit and raped me. Why? Why would I be attracted to someone like that and why did I stay with him for so long?

9. I have low self-esteem, I have eating problems, I binge and purge, I go through periods of either shagging random men or else being totally celibate for years, I feel that I'm not good enough for a good man to fall in love with and marry..

The first thing that really struck me in your post was number eight and nine. They're both so closely related, the fact that you don't see yourself as being very worthy allowed you to stay with a man who raped and hit you. Going on what you've written, you seem to think you deserve a punishment of some kind. (which also explain the feelings of shame you mentioned) Until you tackle your own issues of self worth you're not going to allow yourself to be treated well, your self esteem is completely shot and I think you really, really need to speak to someone professional about it. Even if you can give the Rape Crisis Centre a call, just to get you started, they'll point you in the right direction. You seem absolutely hell bent on being degraded and hurt. Nobody deserves that treatment.

veryconfuzed wrote: »

When I had sex with a man for the first time in my 20's, I didn't bleed, there was no hymen. Is this normal?.

That doesn't indicate that you were abused as a child so don't let this worry you too much. Loads of women don't experience bleeding.

veryconfuzed wrote: »

I have no memories whatsoever of being sexually abused. But how else can I explain all of the above? Someone help me.

Nobody here will be able to tell you if you were abused, none of us know what has happened to you. It is very clear though that you've become fixated on rape and assault. Speaking to a counsellor will help you to become aware of why you are so sexually charged in such an unhealthy way (referring to the pictures of women being humiliated and the coldness/shame you feel in addition to the rape dreams) If it is a case that you have been abused as a child and are suffering from the trauma by 'forgetting' what happened to you, counselling will definitely help you with that.

I really don't think you will get any clarity here on whether or not you were sexually abused as a child. Nobody can answer that and because it's such a sensitive situation and because you've experienced some horribly traumatic times in your life, I think this should be treated by a professional. Either way, they will help you understand your past more effectively than anyone on an anonymous message board can. Do consider speaking to someone about this, you've got far too much happening in your head right now to be able to deal with it alone.

Good luck!

EDIT: Here's the number for the Rape Crisis Centre: 1800 778 888 and here's their website: http://www.drcc.ie/

Carsinian Thau

veryconfuzed wrote: »

I have no memories whatsoever of being sexually abused. But how else can I explain all of the above? Someone help me.

I think that you should speak to a professional. Perhaps a GP or as MizzLolly suggested, the Rape Crisis Centre.

veryconfuzed wrote: »

there was no hymen. Is this normal?

This is the only thing that I think I could come even reasonably close to explaining:
The hymen isn't always lost because of intercourse. Injury or even sport can explain its absence. And not all women will bleed for their first time.

Wibbs

I don't think any further post could improve on what MizzLolly has written. You need to talk to a professional to get more insight on this.