Chaos

LegacyUser

Ever feel like your in Chaos? I believe the correct psychobabble term is cognitive dissonance or something like that.

Well to run through it, at some point a relationship that had no arguing really and seemed on course hit a few hurdles, then a few pot holes, then a big speed bump and veered into a brick wall. Well thats how I like to see it.

To peg it back a bit, everything was going okay until a few months back when my GF went through a bad phase, started to hit and abuse me. Threw all kinds of insults about someday's, others she was fine. Came to head at one point after a month, I was ready to walk. She stopped me though after a long talk, she apologized, said she did not relise she was that bad and changed her pill which we eventually put the blame down to. Allot of the above stopped, except for maybe one case during "that" time of the month.

After this we started to spiral I guess. We argued more, communication and time together was limited by a number of factors.

So I was on the brink again,we talked, and I stayed put again. We resolved to try and work through our problems. This was probably over the period of three or so months.

Two or three weeks ago, she came out and told me the real reason why we never really had sex except the odd time. It was down to a Girl issue I will not get into (medical, she thinks).

The lack of sex had been a big issue when we nearly split the three months before. I had always felt rejected and put down each time sex was turned down for whatever bogus reason she supplied in the past. We talked and talked, and decided to keep going and change it.

So when I found out the real reason a few weeks ago, I felt hurt and betrayed. We talked again, turns out she never fully trusted me till now, felt it was hard to open up to anyone and felt ashamed about "her issues". We talked and talked, until we decided to stay together, once again. A few other things came out as well, such as the reason she was late for allot of our meetings or sometimes even totally forgot was due in party to dyslexia.

But, weeks on, I am still bitter and more angry then ever before! I blame her mostly for how the relationship is turning out now.

She started arriving late for dates all the time, I gave ground, she forgot the very odd meeting, I gave ground reluctantly (not without some harsh words mind you). She wen't through a bad phase, I gave ground until I was ready to leave. We went through a few problems, including the sex part, we decided to work through it, instead of parting ways.Turns out it was lies, the long talks and all the efforts I went to. She apologizes, I give ground again and forgive?

When do you draw the line? Everyone thinks we are the perfect couple, she does not like to share these details, as it's "our" issues.

What BS, or am I overreacting?

BroomBurner

Sometimes you have to stop giving.

metrovelvet

What's in it for you? There must be a reason why you are putting up with violence and abstinence?

Nu-Centz

maybe your afraid to break up with her in fear of seeing her with somebody else? - you need to move on and meet someone who doesn't have so many issue's (that you dont deserve to put up with) & in time you will be wondering why you even waited around so long in the first place.

LegacyUser

metrovelvet wrote: »

What's in it for you? There must be a reason why you are putting up with violence and abstinence?

I fell in Love, I spose. After nearly breaking up and her changing pill, the physical crap stopped. (With, the exception of one incident while drinking during her time of the month).

On the one hand, she has reasons for her issues and has vowed to change. She claims everything is out on the table now. And it's not all bad, we have allot of good times.

On the other hand, when do I finally draw the line? When do I come first?

I have a funny feeling, in the fine courts of her friends, if the situation was reversed, id be torn apart, "male" issues or not. Maybe that is not very PC though.

Wibbs

Love will only take you so far and you don't want to end up at best her shrink or at worst her whipping boy. Abusive behaviour is not on. End of. If she has a hormonal/mental problem well then she must seek help for it and work at it. I've known many women(and men) that had past difficulties of varous natures and they weren't abusive. It comes down to choice in the end of the day in most cases. You just have to balance her good with her bad, but be mindful that her good is not just because she's your girlfriend or you're used to her in your life and you may be afraid of losing that. It has to be more. A lot more.

LegacyUser

Okay.

So we talked it through. All of it. Pretty much no stone was left unturned.

I explained once more my position, detailed all she had done and we argued for a long time. She got upset and was combative at first. Eventually afters hours of literally talking back and forth, she admitted to not understanding how I really felt till now.She thought I was blowing it out of proportion.

She claims to accept the magnitude of her mistakes up till now and understands how I feel now, on it all. I got renewed promises that she would change, we agreed the fundamentals of the relationship would have to be changed and overhauled. Pretty much reworking the framework of it all, she promised more time would be made for us and no more lies or hiding details. She will also see a doctor. We outlined what we expected from the relationship and how specifically some stuff would be changed.

If not, I walk.

So the question is, am I deluding myself or can we turn out stronger for it all?

* I should note, the physical abuse did stop after changing the pill and has not occurred for a good while. Although,only now does she apparently recognize the significance of it all.

CDfm

OP there is the Amen Mens Helpline on 046 90 23718 for men in abusive relationships and website www.amen.ie