Male seeking advice on a rather complicated love triangle situation!

DaMooseDog

Hi,

I'm hoping that people here can offer some advice on a tricky and rather consuming love situation I'm in right now - hopefully some readers with similar past experiences can enlighten me

I met this girl about 9 months ago through a college friend of mine. After having a really good time with her, I knew pretty much straight away that I was attracted to her, so I asked her if she would like to meet again. What I didn't know beforehand was that she was in a 5+ year relationship with someone who she has travelled round the world with for a large part of that (she's not Irish), but despite this she still said that she'd like to hang out again. I left it up to her, telling her she could get my details from my friend, and she contacted me a few days later.

After a few failed attempts to meet up, we finally met up a few months later, and again had a really good time and it was clear that there was a strong connection between us, which we both admitted to each other very quickly. It also became clear quickly that she was unhappy in her own relationship, but was still very confused about the situation. However the weird thing is that a strong friendship and physical attraction seemed to co-exist between us, so at the time I actually thought it would be possible to remain as just friends - very naive I know, I'm usually more of a player and I'm never this soft! And amazingly I never made a move on her and also managed to respect her relationship.

Over the next period we began to contact each other pretty much every day and hung out quite a bit most weekends (as friends), without anything intimate happening between us - yet there were tensions at times as it was clear that there was a mutual attraction between us - admittedly however I believe that I am probably more attracted to her than she is to me for obvious reasons. However over time it became clear to me that I was in love with her and I reluctantly told her that it was too difficult to for me to be friends. I felt physically sick having to let go of someone who I liked so much but I felt it was the only thing I could do. Eventually on what I thought would be our final meeting, she told me that her boyfriend and her were somewhere between a "break" and splitting up and that she didn't want to lose me, but couldn't guarantee how things would play out between us. So over the last two months or so, when faced with the crap alternative of cutting her off, I agreed to pursue things further, and started to see each other properly and be more intimate with each other.

However over the past few weeks it is clear that she is still headwrecked and has alot of baggage to deal with, and to be honest I also felt headwrecked because it has been impossible to pursue a normal functioning relationship with her. So we again agreed to give each other space indefinitely, and over the past few weeks we have had little or no contact.

So right now I find myself still in love with someone who it seems is in the process of breaking up with someone else - and someone who is not in a position to pursue a relationship with me or anyone else right now for the forseeable future - the fact that they are alone on the other side of the world and still living together right now, with pretty much the same mutual network of friends are major complicating factors. I am getting on with my life as best as possible but it is still very difficult to forget about her and the urge is always there to contact her, despite knowing its not in my best interests right now. However I can't help but think that if she was without baggage we would be together right now - and I can't help think that this might be a possibility in the future, but the problem is that I have no idea when and I don't want to torture myself putting my life on hold. Outsiders reading this may feel that I'm being messed around, but while I'm probably blinded a bit I don't think she has done anything wrong... I feel we're just victims of a weird situation, but feel free to put me in my place on that one!

So is there anything more I can do? I've been through a few more conventional relationship break-ups before but never something like this, and I never thought it would feel this strange and difficult. I won't be getting involved in love triangles again, that's for sure! Forgive my long ramblings but any advice would be much appreciated.... cheers

Loopsie

you need to put it in black and white for her, sounds a bit like she is having her cake and eating it.
Tell her if she wants to be with you, TO BE WITH YOU. Get rid of the other guy.
SHe cant have that relationship going on ups and downs and all and have you stringing along on the side waiting until she makes up her mind.
Be strong ( i wish i had taken this advice before) and tell her that she cant have both and if she chooses you yes you can take it slowly but thats the deal.
If she really feels strongly for you and its meant to be, it will be

DaMooseDog

Cheers Loopsie, my head says that you're spot on in what you've said, unfortunately my heart is less rational

But if there is another chapter down the line (which I'm trying not to wait around for btw), I'm at the stage where I would have to be heavy-handed, agreed....

rallye

So let me get this straight, she is still in a relationship but the two of ye have been intimate on numerous occasions?

Is this a quality you want in a girlfriend, one who cheats on her long term partner??

I personally would never date a girl who cheated on her fella to be with me, if she did it to him then she would probably do it to me.

If you still want to pursue her then tell her its you or him, no ifs, buts etc.. if she cant decide then cut her loose and dont waste anymore of your time and emotions on her.

Liam Byrne

DaMooseDog wrote: »

Eventually on what I thought would be our final meeting, she told me that her boyfriend and her were somewhere between a "break" and splitting up ...........it has been impossible to pursue a normal functioning relationship with her.

I can't help wondering if her boyfriend thinks the same. Maybe if she actually put an effort into one relationship, rather than hedging her bets between two, she might actually be able to have "a normal functioning relationship".

DaMooseDog wrote: »

I managed to respect her relationship.

Only temporarily, obviously, because...

DaMooseDog wrote: »

.....when faced with the crap alternative of cutting her off, I agreed to pursue things further, and started to see each other properly and be more intimate with each other.

You agreed, so you're at fault too. The "crap alternative" probably doesn't seem so crap now, as you wouldn't be in this mess.

DaMooseDog wrote: »

someone who is not in a position to pursue a relationship with me or anyone else right now for the forseeable future - the fact that they are alone on the other side of the world and still living together right now

Sorry, but this means she is pursuing a relationship; with him.

DaMooseDog wrote: »

I feel we're just victims of a weird situation, but feel free to put me in my place on that one!

She's no victim. She could make a choice; at the very least, a choice to leave you alone until she gets her head straight. You've also been implicated, because cheats can't cheat unless they either (a) don't tell someone (in which case you'd be innocent), or (b) tell someone and they don't "respect the relationship" and facilitate the cheating.

Stay away and make no contact. Let her decide and back her decisions up with actions.

If I was her boyfriend I'd be livid.

And if you're going to possibly be her boyfriend, I'd be wary of her doing a "rinse & repeat" down the line.

Those four words again :

SHE. HAS. A. BOYFRIEND

....and four more....

THAT. SHE. LIVES. WITH

DaMooseDog

rallye wrote: »

So let me get this straight, she is still in a relationship but the two of ye have been intimate on numerous occasions?

No, while she was in the relationship we were never intimate. She has since broken up with him and we have been intimate since then, however they are still living together - but we ain't seeing each other right now.

denhaagenite

She sounds toxic OP, I wonder does the boyfriend/ ex know that they're not in a relationship?

You sound like a guy who just wants to settle down. Do yourself a favour and give yourself the oppurtunity to do that with someone who wants the same things as you. If she's capable of doing all this to someone she's known for 5 years, she probably won't hesitate to do it to you.

DaMooseDog

Liam Byrne wrote: »

I can't help wondering if her boyfriend thinks the same. Maybe if she actually put an effort into one relationship, rather than hedging her bets between two, she might actually be able to have "a normal functioning relationship".

Point taken, but as it stands she is not going out with him, and as I said above she hasn't been unfaithful....treading a fine line admittedly by meeting me but she hasn't been unfaithful. Its been a two way street so I also take some of the blame for this by being so passive.

Liam Byrne wrote: »

She's no victim. She could make a choice; at the very least, a choice to leave you alone until she gets her head straight.

We've mutually agreed to avoid each other indefinitely because of this.

Liam Byrne wrote: »

Stay away and make no contact. Let her decide and back her decisions up with actions.

I'm just about managing to do this.....I take your point, best to steer clear. cheers

Wibbs

While I agree with the other posters as far as stopping any intimacy, I think often situations like this can be more complex. Yes in an ideal world people would be free and single before they start a new relationship. That's clearly the healthier option on so many levels.

That said I've noted anyway that many relationships kick off just as one is ending. For a couple of reasons IMHO. Many women out there hate the notion of being single. It can actually scare them. Many judge themselves by their ability to get and sustain a relationship. Even otherwise emotionally healthy women too. So quite a few will overlap one relationship with the next, so they're not alone for any length of time, or they'll stay in a relationship long after it's sell by date, until a replacement comes along. It seems to be quite common. Plus as a general thing an attractive woman is rarely alone for any length of time except by choice. So I would have more sympathy now for people who go from one relationship to another. Plus

someone who is not in a position to pursue a relationship with me or anyone else right now for the forseeable future

I'd put good money if you broke all contact with her and bumped into her in a years time she'd either be still with him of would have moved on from him right int something with someone else. Big odds indeed against her being single at that point.

That's grand as such, but it's how its done is the thing. If she had met you, then left him fully then fine. As I say not ideal, but not so bad. The problem cases are like yours, where as you said there are three people in the relationship. These nearly always turn out badly. Someone loses out, usually the two guys or gals at the bottom of the triangle.

This is how rebounds, hedging bets etc end up. IMHO she's getting something from both of you, or was at the start. Things that you have he doesn't and vice versa. She's filling up the mixing bowl of Perfect Boyfriend tm with some ingredients from him and some ingredients from you. Now we can come up with all sorts of reasons and excuses for that, but I reckon they would be excuses. Most will leave a relationship that isnt working. He gives her something, even if it's only familiarity. If her connection was that strong for you, he would be gone and if her connection for him was strong you would have been gone pretty early on.

So what do you do? I would say back right off. If she's living on the other side of the world, then from a practical sense little can happen unless she wishes it. Leave her to it to make up her mind. There is very little you can do to move that along, other than backing right off actually.

IMHO if she was living up the road from you and it was practical I wouldn't be too surprised if you did get together and it went south after a year or so. Not unless she discovered the bits of him she stayed with him for in you.

DaMooseDog

denhaagenite wrote: »

She sounds toxic OP, I wonder does the boyfriend/ ex know that they're not in a relationship?

Admittedly that thought has crossed my mind....which is one of the main reasons why I'm steering clear.

denhaagenite wrote: »

You sound like a guy who just wants to settle down. Do yourself a favour and give yourself the oppurtunity to do that with someone who wants the same things as you. If she's capable of doing all this to someone she's known for 5 years, she probably won't hesitate to do it to you.

I think there's a consistent theme here.....thanks for the advice

Wibbs

denhaagenite wrote: »

She sounds toxic OP, I wonder does the boyfriend/ ex know that they're not in a relationship?

I'd put a fair bit o cash down that he doesn't.

You sound like a guy who just wants to settle down. Do yourself a favour and give yourself the oppurtunity to do that with someone who wants the same things as you. If she's capable of doing all this to someone she's known for 5 years, she probably won't hesitate to do it to you.

Possibly maybe even probably. Again there can be grey areas here too. It can be age/stage of life dependent too. If she was say 20, I would say that scenario is far more likely than if she was say 30. She may have decided this is her time to settle down, just not with the current guy. After 5 years if it hasn't taken to the degree she needs or she needs the buzz of in love passion with someone else. That's another common enough one I've observed. Indeed Ive known women(and men) to settle down with partners at 30 that they wouldn't have at 20. And it worked ok in many cases. IMHO a relationship started at 30 has many many more chances of going the distance than one started at 20. For all sorts of reasons, primarily that it's "time".

denhaagenite

To be honest OP, I am trying to be tactful ( if maybe a bit biased!) because my fella had a situation with an ex like that before we met. I often felt like it was harder for me to break down his barriers in the beginning not because he was still into her but because she'd lied and cheated so much that he didn't really know how to trust anymore. Everything is perfect now but I had to really earn his trust and I resented her so much for that, because I knew he loved me and never doubted that we were in a completely different kind of relationship. Think of yourself and your happiness. She is living with another man, in another country.

Regardless of the physical side of things, she has cheated emotionally. I don't know a single person that would be happy for their GF/ BF to behave like that with someone else.

Myself and my guy are living in another country the last two years and his ex has just moved to the same city as we are in, with her bf that she cheated with him on and vice versa- one sick puppy, eh? I might be cross except we're moving next week .

Liam Byrne

DaMooseDog wrote: »

Point taken, but as it stands she is not going out with him

Whose word do you have for this ? The woman who's still living with him ?

Try ringing him and asking and see what answer he gives; then you'll know for sure.

DaMooseDog wrote: »

.......and as I said above she hasn't been unfaithful

"As you said above", eh ? That'd be this, then :

DaMooseDog wrote: »

So over the last two months or so, when faced with the crap alternative of cutting her off, I agreed to pursue things further, and started to see each other properly and be more intimate with each other.

Sounds unfaithful to me.

DaMooseDog

Wibbs wrote: »

Many judge themselves by their ability to get and sustain a relationship.

While this may be true in many cases, she dosen't strike me as the type of person who values her being on whether or not she's in a relationship, in fact a major reason why we gave each other space was because she feels as if she needs to remain "single" right now while she absorbs a number of things - dealing with her baggage, moving out, clarifying her feelings for me etc, as she fears that by pursuing things with me she might end up screwing me over if her head isn't straight. While frustrating from my viewpoint it is understandable.

Wibbs wrote: »

IMHO she's getting something from both of you, or was at the start.

I'm inclined to agree....but I am pretty certain that she will eventually break up properly with her BF, how long that will take to play out is the more pertinent issue at this stage, but I feel it could take a LONG time as I feel that she's dragged her feet on various things which does make me think that I'm better off not waiting.

Wibbs wrote: »

If she's living on the other side of the world, then from a practical sense little can happen unless she wishes it.

Wibbs wrote: »

I think I may have confused you there, she and her bf/ex/whatever are originally from the other side of the world but are living in Ireland and have been for quite some time now, so she is on my doorstep which is part of the problem

denhaagenite wrote: »

To be honest OP, I am trying to be tactful ( if maybe a bit biased!) because my fella had a situation with an ex like that before we met.

denhaag, your post has made be think properly about the complications that might happen if I did end up with her....particularly how he might react and how she might react in turn....so what you have said is an eyeopener for me, cheers
********************************

But I admit that all the above is really only detail, and all of the posts here have pretty much confirmed what I feel myself at this stage.....I have been quite blinded on certain aspects of the situation, and it's pretty clear that I need to remove myself completely from it, avoid making contact, and get on with my life as best as possible....that has been tricky so far so I guess I'm still figuring that out!

Thanks to all for the opinions/advice.....