I can't stand my boyfriend's friends

LegacyUser

I guess the clue is in the title!!
With OH a while now and lately, for a few reasons, I've had to spend time with his friends and their wives for weekends etc. TBH, I can't stand them. They are all very settled and have endless amounts of "in jokes" and stories which I keep hearing over and over-they weren't funny or interesting the first time, but after the 20th time hearing what so and so did on a stag weekend or how Mr and Mrs Whoever had the most amazing honeymoon, I kind of want to tear my hair out and tell them that they really have to get some new life experiences or stop rehashing the old ones.
I find it quite easy to compartmentalise my life and I find it irritating that just because the two of us are together doesn't mean I have to take all his boring mates on board. I have my own friends my group doesn't socialise like this-if we have a "couple" night fair enough but I don't feel just because they are my friends he has to hang out with us too.
He is my partner, not him and his friends - I didn't sign up for a package deal! This weekend I hit my limit and snapped. I sat him down and told him that if he wants to see his friends fair enough but I want us to have some alone time. His group are all well into ther 30s but when they are together I feel like they act like they haven't left college. He seemed suprised but I said if the wives want to hang out, thats great but I have nothing in common with them and don't need another bunch of mates-I have lots of my own!!
I know this is a bit of a rant but does anyone else have this problem? My friends' OHs are more than welcome to come with us for nights out, dinner etc but my girlfriends and I hang out without the guys-we are not teenagers who need to share everything any more. I think my OH needs to cut the cord a bit. We have discussed the future, marraige, getting a house etc but I am very reluctant to buy into this "Me and my mates" do everything together like his friends' wives seem to have-I want him (he's fantastic) without the side order of annoying friends! I don't care if he hangs out with them but surely we should be a couple alone and I should come before his mates who are already married and IMO don't seem to have left their single lives behind.
Hope this is not too much of a rant, but would love any opinions, good or bad!!

minidazzler

They are married and whatnot. If all the couples are going out and you don't go. He is the spare Tit.

How often does this happen?

TBH, his mates existed before you, so THEY should come before YOU.

G-Money

Maybe I've misread something, but if you don't like his friends, why not just limit your time with them and let him hang around with them on his own?

As the previous poster has said, his friends came before you and it's exactly right that they are still there. I think you need to have a bit more tolerance. He will likely resent you (as will his friends) if you try to get him to ditch them for you. As guys, that's one thing we really hate to see happen to our friends.

Also, I'm sure he's not mad about your friends and to be blunt, I'm betting there's plenty of stuff you drag him along to that he's not interested in, or people you are friends with that he doesn't like. But I'm betting if he even raised an eyebrow about it, he'd be brought up on charges in "woman court" of being a horrible monster of a boyfriend.

Just relax and be a bit more tolerant. It's unreasonable for you to expect him to ditch his friends so you can have him all to yourself.

LegacyUser

grandmaster wrote: »

Maybe I've misread something, but if you don't like his friends, why not just limit your time with them and let him hang around with them on his own?

As the previous poster has said, his friends came before you and it's exactly right that they are still there. I think you need to have a bit more tolerance. He will likely resent you (as will his friends) if you try to get him to ditch them for you. As guys, that's one thing we really hate to see happen to our friends.

Also, I'm sure he's not mad about your friends and to be blunt, I'm betting there's plenty of stuff you drag him along to that he's not interested in, or people you are friends with that he doesn't like. But I'm betting if he even raised an eyebrow about it, he'd be brought up on charges in "woman court" of being a horrible monster of a boyfriend.

Just relax and be a bit more tolerant. It's unreasonable for you to expect him to ditch his friends so you can have him all to yourself.

I do not drag him to anything. As I said in my original post if I want to meet up with my friends I don't need him to come along. He's not dating me and my friends just me. And his friends are married-its not my job to stop him feeling like a third wheel, I'm happy to accompany him but I don't see why my social life with him needs to include his mates-I don't care if he hangs out with my friends-he is seeing me and I don't need him to get involved in every facet of my life.
When we started going out it was just us-we'd have our dates as a couple without needing to have a gang along. There has been a run of events (wedding, aniversary party, other things invovling couples) that I am happy to go to with him as a couple, but I have no desire to go to drinks with his mates and their wives the night before and to lunch the day after-can't they do anything without a crowd of them? I wouldn't mind if they wanted to get to know me but I've come to realise they don't really care what's going on in my life-the wives all seem to think these guys are fine the way they are. Thats fair enough if thats what they want but just because Im with my OH doesn't mean I need to ingratiate myself with a new social group.
As for his priorities, we've discussed marriage and call me crazy but I think one's life partner should come before mates. My concern is that his friends' wives seem to be playing second fiddle to a lifestyle that is more suited to students and I do not want to play that role.

can i be frank

yes i have had that problem and it comes down to not liking his friends as you said, if you liked them spending time with them wouldn't be as bad but yea ive had dreadful experiences with a girl i used to dates friends

they actually sound quite similar to your experiences ie they only talk about their past experiences and dont get new ones and like to keep old horizons which for them is ok but its quite selfish to keep talking about it agian and again because it leaves out people who havent shared them experience, and in jokes really is quite bad manners all the time because it excludes you!

kenbrady

fedupgirl wrote: »

but surely we should be a couple alone and I should come before his mates who are already married and IMO don't seem to have left their single lives behind.

fedupgirl wrote: »

As for his priorities, we've discussed marriage and call me crazy but I think one's life partner should come before mates. My concern is that his friends' wives seem to be playing second fiddle to a lifestyle that is more suited to students and I do not want to play that role.

It's not that you can't stand your boyfriends friends. It's that you don't like him spending time with them, you want him to spend more time alone with you.
You seem very needy and insecure to me, and are using the not liking his friends thing as an excuse.

krudler

kenbrady wrote: »

It's not that you can't stand your boyfriends friends. It's that you don't like him spending time with them, you want him to spend more time alone with you.
You seem very needy and insecure to me, and are using the not liking his friends thing as an excuse.

Theres nothing needy about wanting a bit of alone time together, if it was every minute of the day it would be but she stated she does things with her own friends without her OH so thats not needy at all, OP I've been in this situation and its tricky to get your point across without it sounding like you're saying "its me or your mates" but as long as its for the right reasons he shouldnt be offended that you'd like to spend time with just him, I'm sure his friends would be the same.
I know I wouldnt get bent out of shape if one of my mates said he'd rather some time with the missus than coming out with me and the lads, I do the same myself sometimes, its part of being in a relationship, just find the healthy balance. As for not liking them, theres always going to be a bit of sacrifice and putting up with people you may not like in your OH's social circle, but that happens in almost every relationship

shellyboo

fedupgirl wrote: »

I do not drag him to anything. As I said in my original post if I want to meet up with my friends I don't need him to come along. He's not dating me and my friends just me. And his friends are married-its not my job to stop him feeling like a third wheel, I'm happy to accompany him but I don't see why my social life with him needs to include his mates-I don't care if he hangs out with my friends-he is seeing me and I don't need him to get involved in every facet of my life.
When we started going out it was just us-we'd have our dates as a couple without needing to have a gang along. There has been a run of events (wedding, aniversary party, other things invovling couples) that I am happy to go to with him as a couple, but I have no desire to go to drinks with his mates and their wives the night before and to lunch the day after-can't they do anything without a crowd of them? I wouldn't mind if they wanted to get to know me but I've come to realise they don't really care what's going on in my life-the wives all seem to think these guys are fine the way they are. Thats fair enough if thats what they want but just because Im with my OH doesn't mean I need to ingratiate myself with a new social group.
As for his priorities, we've discussed marriage and call me crazy but I think one's life partner should come before mates. My concern is that his friends' wives seem to be playing second fiddle to a lifestyle that is more suited to students and I do not want to play that role.

OP, your relationship is not a job fullstop. Supporting your partner is not a job. Making him happy is not a job. Compromise is not a job. I'm completely shocked that you class ANYTHING in your relationship as "not your job". That's not what love is about, by a long shot. You do whatever it takes.

You can't expect him to dump all his mates for you. Your superior attitude to them is pretty nasty, and I'm not sure those marriage plans would be lasting too long if he heard you talking about his friends in that way. Ok, you don't like them, think they're boring, stupid, immature, whatever - but you're not displaying much maturity yourself with this foot-stamping "he should be spending time with ME" stuff.

Suck it up, tbh. Love him, love his mates. Reduce the amount of time you spend with them, fair enough, but looking down on your bf's friends with such contempt reflects badly on your level of respect for your partner as well. Whatever you think about them, he loves them, and that should be enough for you, as long as they're not damaging your relationship or treating him badly.

LegacyUser

You obviously have a perfect relationship and know how to handle every situation shelly boo. How did you deal with this problem? A boyfriend, as OP said, is not a package deal. You dont take on their friends. They are HIS friends. She doesnt expect him to go on girly nights out and she doesnt seem to mind, so why should she have to hang out hearing stories shes heard before?

LegacyUser

I get where OP is coming from. Boyfriend is just that-singular and does not mean she has to hang out with his mates. She already said she does not expect him to be atttached to her so she is not needy. I find it quite shocking that people are defending this behaviour-OP said mates are in 30s but acting like single guys even though married? I dont know about the guys here but why get married if you are going to keep up hanging out wiht mates, not doing stuff with you wife? i would not want my husband to feel like he didn't have to compromise his singel life but just make me fit into it-the OH doesnt ask for much IMO, why should she have to hang with his friends they are adults can they not grwo up a bit

shellyboo

qw wrote: »

You obviously have a perfect relationship and know how to handle every situation shelly boo. How did you deal with this problem? A boyfriend, as OP said, is not a package deal. You dont take on their friends. They are HIS friends. She doesnt expect him to go on girly nights out and she doesnt seem to mind, so why should she have to hang out hearing stories shes heard before?

Lol, I don't. Don't think that precludes me from giving advice. As far as I'm concerned, a man and his mates are a package deal. I would never attempt to separate someone I loved from someone they loved because of how I felt about them - I think it's selfish.

I just think her attitude stinks, tbh. I'd rather hang out with the bf's boring friends than someone who thought they were better than me for no good reason.

It's hardly a big deal to just suck it up and put up with them for the sake of her bf.

LegacyUser

shellyboo wrote: »

OP, your relationship is not a job fullstop. Supporting your partner is not a job. Making him happy is not a job. Compromise is not a job. I'm completely shocked that you class ANYTHING in your relationship as "not your job". That's not what love is about, by a long shot. You do whatever it takes.

You can't expect him to dump all his mates for you. Your superior attitude to them is pretty nasty, and I'm not sure those marriage plans would be lasting too long if he heard you talking about his friends in that way. Ok, you don't like them, think they're boring, stupid, immature, whatever - but you're not displaying much maturity yourself with this foot-stamping "he should be spending time with ME" stuff.

Suck it up, tbh. Love him, love his mates. Reduce the amount of time you spend with them, fair enough, but looking down on your bf's friends with such contempt reflects badly on your level of respect for your partner as well. Whatever you think about them, he loves them, and that should be enough for you, as long as they're not damaging your relationship or treating him badly.

Shellyboo did I say I expected him to dump his mates? No I didn't. If you had read my posts correctly, I said I just do not feel I have to be friends with his friends and their wives because he and I are in a relationship. I do not have to love his mates. Thats quite an immature attitude don't you think? This isn't like school where we all hang out together in a big group. These are grown men, husbands with wives and children who, when they are together in a social setting, act like guys in a frat house. Now, if they want guy time, I'm all on board-I need time with my girlfriends and anyone in a relationship is the same.
I hold them in contempt? Did you not read my second post, where I said they have zero interest in finding out how I'm doing. I've tried to initiate conversations but they've led to smutty conversations about how, as the last unmarried man, my BF must be getting loads of action. Do you think thats a fun social situation to be in?
As for needy, I am certainly not that. Thanks to the poster who recognised that I said quite clearly I am happy to do things alone or with my girlfriends. My issue is not about being needy, its about having an expectation that my BF and I should not need to be initmately involved in eachother's social circles. Whatever happened to couples being couples without an assumption that everyone needs to be friends with everyone else?

denhaagenite

You are right OP, you are just having a rant. I'm sure most girls would agree with me when they read the title, I thought this was going to be about how he spent more time with them than with you, and how they seemed to be jealous that he had a girlfriend!

They've been buddies since college, that's a lovely bond to have! Compromise, if he's going for a night out with them, just don't go.... Obviously not always, there are times when we have to do something with our OHs mates! At least they're not a pack of nasty b******s who don't have lives and relationships of their own and try to stop yours. Maybe their lives aren't that interesting- so what?

You need to learn to be more tolerant- otherwise you're not going to get near marriage and kids. Is there even one of them that you get on with?

shellyboo

fedupgirl wrote: »

Shellyboo did I say I expected him to dump his mates? No I didn't. If you had read my posts correctly, I said I just do not feel I have to be friends with his friends and their wives because he and I are in a relationship. I do not have to love his mates. Thats quite an immature attitude don't you think? This isn't like school where we all hang out together in a big group. These are grown men, husbands with wives and children who, when they are together in a social setting, act like guys in a frat house. Now, if they want guy time, I'm all on board-I need time with my girlfriends and anyone in a relationship is the same.
I hold them in contempt? Did you not read my second post, where I said they have zero interest in finding out how I'm doing. I've tried to initiate conversations but they've led to smutty conversations about how, as the last unmarried man, my BF must be getting loads of action. Do you think thats a fun social situation to be in?
As for needy, I am certainly not that. Thanks to the poster who recognised that I said quite clearly I am happy to do things alone or with my girlfriends. My issue is not about being needy, its about having an expectation that my BF and I should not need to be initmately involved in eachother's social circles. Whatever happened to couples being couples without an assumption that everyone needs to be friends with everyone else?

I don't think it's immature to suck it up and put up with his boring friends for his sake, no... I think it would be the mature thing to do, actually. As opposed to looking down your nose at them. Which is pretty immature.

That situation sounds pretty fun to me - the opposite of boring, in fact. A bit of smut isn't a big deal, but if you're that offended by it tell them to shut up. "Boring married people" in my book are the sort that only socialise with eachother, tbh.

You're an adult - if you feel that strongly about it, don't spend time with them. Tell your bf you don't want to socialise with them. You know he'll be upset though, and you know you'll come off looking bad - which is exactly why you don't want to do it. You want to look nice to him and to his mates while at the same time not having to spend time with them - well that's not really an option.

So decide - you can be the nice gf who puts up with people you don't really like, or you can be the bitch who doesn't like his mates. That's how it's gonna come across to them if you cut them out, unfortunately.

Babooshka

minidazzler wrote: »

They are married and whatnot. If all the couples are going out and you don't go. He is the spare Tit.

How often does this happen?

TBH, his mates existed before you, so THEY should come before YOU.

Yeah....Your post makes perfect sense...for a 14 yr old. The Op and her OH and his friends are in their 30's. When you fall in love with someone and it's a serious relationship, well, a lot of your partners needs will take priority over your friends needs, and it's a vice versa situation, so no one loses, everybody wins.


To the OP. You sound like you're going out with an ex of mine . I walked into a friend of his' house one night and thought I was being introduced to the Stepford Wives. I don't know if it's a similar scenario to yours but it sounds like it a bit. There were a group of "grown ups" having a "party" in a house, and all of the men were on one side of the room, talking ball and man things....and all of the women were on the other side, talking babies and curtain rings.

I don't mind the bonding thing, they were all friends years and years and had been in school together etc. and it's healthy to an extent to get together as girls and guys in seperate groups for a while I suppose, sometimes it just happens that way..but this went on all night. I ended up walking over to the mens group because I had nothing to say about honeymoons or sex n the city and curtains, so I was falling asleep. Not that I can't discuss that kind of thing with women, but these women were very exclusive, and new girl was a threat to their little coven. It was pretty pathetic to be honest.

I'd never hung around with a bunch of shallow people like this, and I never have since. I think you show a lot of mindfulness being aware of it for whatever reasons. If I was you I would just try fixing dates with your boyfriend and not go out with his mates, but don't make a big deal of it. They are his mates after all.... I don't know if Shellyboo's right for accusing you of thinking that you're better than your boyfriends mates, but I definitely thought I was better than my boyfriend's mates, because they were a bunch of snobby stuck up shallow arse holes to me.


I think you show a lot of maturity by not simply wanting to fit in, and grinning and bearing it, and you have your own friends so it shows your independence. I'm the same with my boyfriend now, if he wants to go out with his friends, I go out with mine, or wash my hair or whatever. Everyone's different. I didn't stay with the guy so it made no difference to me in the end, but I wouldn't say just because you go out with someone you have to endure their friends if they're not your scene.

LegacyUser

shellyboo wrote: »

I don't think it's immature to suck it up and put up with his boring friends for his sake, no... I think it would be the mature thing to do, actually. As opposed to looking down your nose at them. Which is pretty immature.

That situation sounds pretty fun to me - the opposite of boring, in fact. A bit of smut isn't a big deal, but if you're that offended by it tell them to shut up. "Boring married people" in my book are the sort that only socialise with eachother, tbh.

You're an adult - if you feel that strongly about it, don't spend time with them. Tell your bf you don't want to socialise with them. You know he'll be upset though, and you know you'll come off looking bad - which is exactly why you don't want to do it. You want to look nice to him and to his mates while at the same time not having to spend time with them - well that's not really an option.So decide - you can be the nice gf who puts up with people you don't really like, or you can be the bitch who doesn't like his mates. That's how it's gonna come across to them if you cut them out, unfortunately.

Shellyboo, I could care less what they think of me-because HE is going out with me-they are not in the relationship with us. Some of my friends are going out with guys the rest of the group don't particularly care for-again, my opinion on other peoples' respective partners should not be a consideration. We are all adults, capable of making choices about our partners in life without input from our social groups. I would find it INCREDBILY immature that a guy would end a happy relationship because one of his mates thought I was a bitch-he knows thats not the case, he knows me better than they ever will so why would my not hanging out with him be a dealbreaker? I don't get that reasoning.
My original point concerned the need to be included in a partner's social circle. I am happy to go along to a couple occasion - we had a wedding of a friend of his recently - but I do not think adults need to or expect their partner to be friends with their friends. I am in a relationship with him and how his friends expect their wives to interact with the group is not something which appeals to me. They seem to have taken this group on board and do not have social circles of their own. My life with him does not mean he has to be pallsy-wallsy with my friends or vice versa. And surely a person's wife should come before mates? Would you not want to come first in your partner's life if you had made a life-long commitment to him or her? i'm quite shocked at the level of interaction these couples have into eachothers' lives-couples are couples and I think its so important to have a life of one's own, as an individual and as a couple-sometimes the mates need to take a back seat.
I know we're not married, we have talked about it and he is great for me, I'm not down on him its just the expectation that I'm going to be mates with him friends that is the problem.

LegacyUser

I think babooska (sp) is right. these are grown men not teenagers and if he really wants it to work he should grow up a bit and stop dragging her out with his mates. the last thing any women wants is to go to drinking session with the lads.

kenbrady

fedupgirl wrote: »

And surely a person's wife should come before mates?

Would you not want to come first in your partner's life if you had made a life-long commitment to him or her?

i'm quite shocked at the level of interaction these couples have into eachothers' lives-couples are couples and I think its so important to have a life of one's own, as an individual and as a couple-sometimes the mates need to take a back seat.

Again it seems to me that you are jealous of the time he spends with his mates and you feel he is not giving you enough of his attention.

How often does he go out with his mates ?
How often does he go out with you ?

Do you live together, how much time during the week do you spend together ?
How much time does he spend during the week with his mates ?

When you go out with his mates, does he leave you sitting alone in the corner while he has a laugh with his mates and their wives ?

You mentioned the fact that they are all married and you are not married to your boyfriend, maybe you feel he is not committed to you ?

Plus the attitude you have towards his mates and their wives is childish and petty. You clearly have no respect and think you are better than them.
They are his mates, he knows them longer than you, they are married to their wives so they will be around forever. There is nothing you can do about that. If you keep looking down on them and bit*hing, it will be you that he leaves, not his mates and their wives.

LegacyUser

I'm not jealous of the time he spends with them. He has known some of them since childhood and they should hang out, just like I do with my friends. We are not living together but we are buying a house and moving in then.
I think I need to be clear-I do not want him to stop seeing his friends. My problem is how his friends interact when their wives are there with them and how involved they are in eachother's lives-the women all seem to be eachothers' friends and don't mix outside their husbands social circle. I don't mind going out with them for an occasional couple outing but I do not see why I should feel the need to ingratiate myself with people with whom I have nothing in common. I'm not as settled as they are and its hard to listen to them rattle on about how great their husbands are, how long they know eachother and how wonderful it is that they all have so much history together.
I am not clingy or needy. I have my own wide social circle, a very busy career which takes up a large amount of time and my own home which I'm looking to sell to buy a new home with my boyfriend. He makes time to see me, as I do with him. Don't grown ups (these guys are in their 30s remember) prioritise their life partners any more? Since when has it become acceptable to retain a student lifestyle when you're married with kids? Since when do adults have to hang out in a big gang like secondary school? I can't help but think these guys are heavily invovled with eachothers' lives because its just easier than acting like a grown up. How do you act with your OH kenbrady? Do you prioritise them or feel that your mates come first?
As Babooska said, we are adults and at some stage you have to cop on and realise that mates, while important, come behind your partner. Its nothing to do with the amount of time we spend together, its everything to do with the adolescent behaviour of his friends and the passivness of their wives in facilitating these men in their desire to maintain a life they should have grown out of by now.

kenbrady

fedupgirl wrote: »

My problem is how his friends interact when their wives are there with them and how involved they are in eachother's lives-the women all seem to be eachothers' friends and don't mix outside their husbands social circle.


I don't mind going out with them for an occasional couple outing but I do not see why I should feel the need to ingratiate myself with people with whom I have nothing in common.

Are you being forced to hang out with them all the time/ be friends with them. If not I don't see the issue ??

fedupgirl wrote: »

Don't grown ups (these guys are in their 30s remember) prioritise their life partners any more?
Since when has it become acceptable to retain a student lifestyle when you're married with kids?
Since when do adults have to hang out in a big gang like secondary school?
I can't help but think these guys are heavily invovled with eachothers' lives because its just easier than acting like a grown up.

As Babooska said, we are adults and at some stage you have to cop on and realise that mates, while important, come behind your partner.

Its nothing to do with the amount of time we spend together, its everything to do with the adolescent behaviour of his friends and the passivness of their wives in facilitating these men in their desire to maintain a life they should have grown out of by now.

Does your boyfriend behave the same way as his mates ?
Has he grown out of this adolescent behavior you describe ?

I think you don't like the way his friends&him behave and you want him to stop hanging around with his mates and to act differently towards you. When you say you hate his friends, it's actually aspects of your boyfriends personality you hate.

Kimia

Ken I don't agree and I don't think the OP sounds needy or insecure, or that she wants her boyfriend all to herself.

Maybe I'm wrong but what I've gathered is that her boyfriend's friends, for whatever reason, wreck her head and she has no interest in being friends with them, and is sick of always having to meet her boyfriend with them tagging along?

Either way, you need to speak to your boyfriend OP. I agree to a certain extent with Shelly - you also need to suck it up and make an effort with them because they are not going anywhere. Obviously he loves you and he loves them and he's just trying to have all of ye together because that's what makes him happiest.

However I also think that you are very important too and it's not a question of choosing one over the other, it's compromise.

I think you can start pulling away from the big group nights out. Just say that you're busy or go out with your friends, and say to your boyfriend that you want him to have his own outlet without you as it's very important to keep your independance.

You won't be able to get completely out of meeting them, but you can cut it down without hurting his feelings. And you're not a bad person, you just don't like his friends - it could happen to anyone. It's how you handle it is that's important.

martdalto

Look, OP, at the end of the day it's very obvious what to do.

You don't have to be involved in the social circle all the time if you don't want to be. But you can't really dictate to others how they should behave in their 'friendships'. So what if the women don't mix in other social circles (although I find this almost impossible to believe.. surely they do manage to see and speak to other people at some stage in their lives!!) So what if they've all known each other for ages. So what if they speak about things they used to do.

That's their friendship.

If you don't want to be involved then don't be! Don't go. Arrange some other times for you and your bf to be together. Go out with all his friends once every 2 or 3 months, and for the duration of the night smile and nod, and laugh along to all the same old stories again, and then leave at the end of the night happy in the knowledge that you don't have to do it again for another 3 months. And smug in the knowledge that you have a better social life and social circles than they have.

You can't change them. You can maybe.... slightly.... possibly... sway your bf in the direction you'd prefer, but ultimately you can't change him either. So all you can do is change you, and how/how often you interact with them.

shellyboo

fedupgirl wrote: »

Shellyboo, I could care less what they think of me-because HE is going out with me-they are not in the relationship with us. Some of my friends are going out with guys the rest of the group don't particularly care for-again, my opinion on other peoples' respective partners should not be a consideration. We are all adults, capable of making choices about our partners in life without input from our social groups. I would find it INCREDBILY immature that a guy would end a happy relationship because one of his mates thought I was a bitch-he knows thats not the case, he knows me better than they ever will so why would my not hanging out with him be a dealbreaker? I don't get that reasoning.

I never said it was a dealbreaker, I said you'd come off looking like a bitch to them. He'll have to tell them why you suddenly don't go out wiht them anymore and no matter what he says, they'll think that it's because you don't like them, which would be correct. But if you don't care what they think, then what's the problem? Just stop seeing them.

Your boyfriend will be upset though - that's my point. Are you prepared to upset him and put him in an awkward position with his mates just because you don't like his friends? I wouldn't be. I'd suck it up. But that's just me.

denhaagenite

The bottom line is you are not his wife and if you expect to be someday, and at the same time want your bf to be happy and himself, the effort has to come from somewhere. It sounds to me like you don't really want to compromise, but you know that if you don't then the outcome won't be great. You can't possibly know very much about his friends and their wives, what kind of lives they lead etc, if all you have to say is that they're boring. What do you expect them to talk about? Why can't you talk about something that you like to talk about and, who knows, you might enjoy yourself.

No- one here is saying that you have to spend all your time with them, just make an effort. Like go out with them every other time. It sounds like he just wants all of you to get to know eachother. We do that kind of thing for people when we love them. We don't deliver ultimatums or tell our loved one to choose one or the other, or ask who is more important, or what's more mature. The maturity is a moot point anyway, usually people who pull out the maturity card are just doing it to be condescending. Maybe you'll be glad of the company when you get married and your friends deem you too boring to hang around with.

LegacyUser

denhaagenite wrote: »

The bottom line is you are not his wife and if you expect to be someday, and at the same time want your bf to be happy and himself, the effort has to come from somewhere. It sounds to me like you don't really want to compromise, but you know that if you don't then the outcome won't be great. You can't possibly know very much about his friends and their wives, what kind of lives they lead etc, if all you have to say is that they're boring. What do you expect them to talk about? Why can't you talk about something that you like to talk about and, who knows, you might enjoy yourself.

No- one here is saying that you have to spend all your time with them, just make an effort. Like go out with them every other time. It sounds like he just wants all of you to get to know eachother. We do that kind of thing for people when we love them. We don't deliver ultimatums or tell our loved one to choose one or the other, or ask who is more important, or what's more mature. The maturity is a moot point anyway, usually people who pull out the maturity card are just doing it to be condescending anyway. Maybe you'll be glad of the company when you get married and your friends deem you too boring to hang around with.

I've tried bringing up other topics of conversation. I have brought up current affairs, music, art etc and the men turn it into a smutty comment and the women just don't engage, unless I bring up their children or houses. I have made an effort, I don't sit there with a face on me and I don't think I'm better than them - I just have a different lifestyle and set of priorities which does not revovle around new bedlinen and how difficult it is to get a good cleaner and how so and sos husband got a huge bonus. I'm happy to converse, but its all on their terms-they have NO interest in my job, current affairs or anything outside their own lives. Now thats fair enough if thats what they want, its just not how I choose to spend my time. I've got friends who are married and boring they are not-they also dont need their social lives to revolve around their husbands. I recently mentioned Im going away with my friends for a weekend and all the wives smirked and said "oh thatll all stop when you're married you can't be doing things like that". Like what? Having a life of your own with you and your partner and retaining your own circle? Thats not for me. I would understand why they hang out like this if they also had social lives of their own but I've come to realise they don't-any time they meet up all they have to talk about is what happened the last night they were all out or the hundrum domestic stuff I mentioned above.
I am not looking down on them, I just don't see myself ending up like them and don't want my OH to expect me to fall in line like these women either.

Beruthiel

shellyboo wrote: »

As far as I'm concerned, a man and his mates are a package deal.

I would disagree with that. They are not a package, they are seperate.

I would never attempt to separate someone I loved from someone they loved because of how I felt about them

Totally agree with that.
OP, if you do not like his mates, then arrange to see him when he is not busy with them.
It really is as simple as that.

It's hardly a big deal to just suck it up and put up with them for the sake of her bf.

I'd have no problem doing that at an important event, like a wedding for example.
But there's not a hope in hell of me 'sucking it up' on a regular basis with someone I'd have no interest in spending time with.
I'd be of the opinion that we are not joined at the hip and he would be free to go spend time with them whenever he wished.

Why can there not be compromise?

seahorse

Fedupgirl, sounds to me like you've earned your username here. If I were you I'd tell your partner straight out that I was going out with him, not him and all his mates and all his mates wives into the bargain.

Look, life is short and you're never going to get back those hours you spent sitting around listening to the same bullsh!t rehashed for the hundredth time - all you can do from here on out is make sure you don’t have to listen to it again.

Wanting to have a one-on-one connection without a hord of hangers-on is in no way shape or form insecurity or jealousy based; it's a bonafide requirement of any adult relationship. The word 'immaturity' has been bandied about on this thread (surprise surprise :rolleyes:) but the only thing I've read here that brings immaturity to mind is this teenaged nonsense of not being able to scratch your arse without all your mates and all their wives present and correct.

There is a time and a place for everything in life and IMO the OP is being expected to behave as if every weekend was a wedding. OP, to accept this would be to accept an unreasonable intrusion into your life and your time. Don’t mind what anyone else says to you, you've already made the point several times that you don’t want to take your partner away from his friends, all you want is to disengage from a situation where you are expected to be a constant presence in the company of people who you don’t know, don’t like and who haven’t shown any interest in you or consideration for you. I don’t know about anyone else, but it's not a way I'd be willing to spend my time and as for what anyone else thought, I wouldn’t give a tuppenny fuk.

kenbrady

OP you need to clarify is it.

1. He is forcing you and expecting you to be friends with and hang out with his friends ?

or

2. He spends all his free time with his friends and you have to hang out with them to hang out with him ?

LegacyUser

kenbrady wrote: »

OP you need to clarify is it.

1. He is forcing you and expecting you to be friends with and hang out with his friends ?

or

2. He spends all his free time with his friends and you have to hang out with them to hang out with him ?

When we started going out it was just us. I met his mates after we'd been together about six weeks and since then I have tried to limit the time I spend (don't mind how much time he spends with them at all, I would never dictate that to him). However, in the past two months when he has told them we (ie he and I) are going for dinner etc the guys arrange to meet us after. I've told him if he want to do that its fine, but I'd prefer us to have a whole evening together without the entourage and he understood completely and this has not happened lately. However, when there is an event like a wedding, its not just the day itself, its a session the night before, a big group breakfast and then a lunch, followed by more drinks the next evening. Now if this was a one-off I'd understand but these guys can't seem to understand when my boyfriend has told them he and I would prefer to have lunch alone without a group. I think they can never do anything without a group and I'm the first woman to have questioned why this needs to be the case.
I guess I'm really looking for advice from others who have managed to break away or not get involved with a herd mentality! I'm very independent and have never needed to feel like everyone has to hang out and get along with everyone else-I find it very easy to compartmentalise my life and don't need a huge social group to like me to feel like I'm in a solid relationship.

iguana

Babooshka wrote: »

To the OP. You sound like you're going out with an ex of mine . I walked into a friend of his' house one night and thought I was being introduced to the Stepford Wives. I don't know if it's a similar scenario to yours but it sounds like it a bit. There were a group of "grown ups" having a "party" in a house, and all of the men were on one side of the room, talking ball and man things....and all of the women were on the other side, talking babies and curtain rings.

Have you read the OP's posts at all? Sure she has dismissed the group as boring old married people, but her main complaint is that they all act as if they are still in college, living in frat house and making smutty jokes. No I don't know what version of the Stepford Wives you've seen, but I've seen both and in neither movie were the robot-wives the type to hang out like college kids making innuendo filled jokes.

I'm not sure what the OP's problem is with her partner's friends as she is completely contradicting herself. "Boring" married people don't act as if they are still in college, so that makes no sense at at. It just seems like this is a group who all get on well and have a laugh with each other and the OP feels left out. She wants to be able to judge them as "boring married" but they don't act that way at all according to her description. It sounds as if she is horribly judgmental about these people despite the fact that they don't conform to her prejudices, so instead she is criticising them for having a laugh together and enjoying each other's company.

kenbrady

fedupgirl wrote: »

However, in the past two months when he has told them we (ie he and I) are going for dinner etc the guys arrange to meet us after. I've told him if he want to do that its fine, but I'd prefer us to have a whole evening together without the entourage and he understood completely and this has not happened lately.

So you told him you didn't like meeting up with his mates and he stopped doing it, so what is the problems ??

fedupgirl wrote: »

However, when there is an event like a wedding, its not just the day itself, its a session the night before, a big group breakfast and then a lunch, followed by more drinks the next evening.

Now if this was a one-off I'd understand but these guys can't seem to understand when my boyfriend has told them he and I would prefer to have lunch alone without a group.

Wedding usually are a one off, how many wedding are you going to each year. You should be able to put up with a few weekend wedding for the sake of your boyfriend.

fedupgirl wrote: »

I guess I'm really looking for advice from others who have managed to break away or not get involved with a herd mentality

It's not the herd mentality you have a problem with, it's the fact your boyfriend is part of the herd.

He is not forcing you to hang out with these people, it's your choice to hang out with them.

martdalto

I have to agree with the swing of the latest posts.

The problem here isn't your boyfriends friends.. it's your boyfriend.

If they were a group of people who you saw (and only vaguely knew) out in your local pub every so often you'd be likely to think... "Isn't it great that they're all married, with kids etc and still make the time for each other to go out and get together regularly."

It just the fact that your bf gets together with them too, and likes for you to be there aswell that bothers you. They aren't the problem.. they aren't dragging you into the "herd"... he is.

Your issue is with him, not them!


EDIT: Getting married doesn't necessarily turn you into a bore... having children, on the other hand, can have that affect! You'll be amazed (if you ever have children yourself) at how easily you will slot into another group of parents, who can advise you on how best to get a banana stain out of a t-shirt, or the many and varied uses of babywipes!!!

These topics might all seem mindnumbing to you at the moment - but when you need them, they will interest you! I would love to be more up on current affairs etc, but I could very very easily go one end of the week to the other, without reading a paper, seeing a news bulletin or hearing anything on the radio.. why?... I have very young children!

I dont even get out regulary to meet up with friends.. unless it's us mammies meeting up for a "playdate".. how boring must you think my life is... But I'm happy, and while sometimes I have a hankering for the young carefree days of pre-kids.. I wouldn't change a thing. And stuff anyone who thinks bad of me because of it!