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Not sure how to feel about this

  • 08-11-2009 3:40pm
    #1
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭


    I've always associated sex with intimacy. I know that's not always the case, but for me, the two go hand in hand. Recently, a friend and I hooked up and had a one night stand. She made it clear in the many months before hand that she is against relationships and wants to be single. And that's fine by me. I don't think we'd work out if we went out, and it's not something I want anyway. But we had fun on the night and I've no regrets about it at all.

    What I am kind of struggling with is the aftermath. She's become a little cold to me and we don't get on like we did before. I guess I feel like when you are intimate with someone in that manner, there's something that passes between you (and I don't mean bodily fluids!). It was my first one night stand and maybe I'm reading into it too much. But a mutual friend (and he knows her longer and better than I do) said that she used me and that's just how she is. I didn't see it that way, but now I'm beginning to think I was just naive. I dunno what I'm posting this for. Catharsis maybe. Am I being naive to expect some sort of connection?


Comments

  • #2
    That_Guy
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 51,342 ✭✭✭✭That_Guy


    She made it clear that she doesn't want a relationship so you have to respect her decision.

    Hooking up with friends can work out and sometimes it can't. The latter usually applies and it changes things. It might be hard to accept but it happens.

    I hooked up with a friend before and things have changed. We don't talk much anymore and when we do talk it's very briefly and sometimes leads to stupid arguments and then there's a lot of tension in the air.

    It might be hard to bare but unfortunately that's the way it happens sometimes.


  • #3
    e04bf099
    Closed Accounts Posts: 225 ✭✭e04bf099


    In my opinion you are right. Intimacy and sex are inseperable. I think people that think otherwise are naive. Even fellas can't completely seperate them. I think it is a really complicated issue, but women seperate sex and intimacy less than men. Just my opinion. I'm not surprised that you are having this experience.


  • #4
    sam34
    Closed Accounts Posts: 8,073 ✭✭✭sam34


    e04bf099 wrote: »
    In my opinion you are right. Intimacy and sex are inseperable. I think people that think otherwise are naive. Even fellas can't completely seperate them. I think it is a really complicated issue, but women seperate sex and intimacy less than men. Just my opinion. I'm not surprised that you are having this experience.


    for me, they are totally separable. it depends entirely on who my partner is and what i want from them.


    OP, i think some people don't distinguish between the two, and these people are not cut out for casual sex. it seems you are one of these people and she, unfortunately for you, is not.

    however, you knew this before you went to bed with her.

    it will change the dynamic in your friendship, and thats a pity.

    look on it as a learning experience, so that you dont put yourself in this position again


  • #5
    Wagon
    Closed Accounts Posts: 3,119 ✭✭✭Wagon


    Some enjoy casual sex and others see it as a glorified ****. I'm the latter so you aren't alone. So i'd say just leave the friendship die. I think she did use you in some way, ie. You wearn't banking on her suddenly going cold towards you. But if her mate says that she's just like this then it's her problem and there's nothing you can do about it. Anyway, if that how she treats you then it's not really someone you'd want to be mates with anyway.


  • #6
    sam34
    Closed Accounts Posts: 8,073 ✭✭✭sam34


    Wagon wrote: »
    Anyway, if that how she treats you then it's not really someone you'd want to be mates with anyway.

    +1.

    OP, i have had casual sex with some of my friends over the years. while there may have been some awkwardness in the initial few days (while you're thinking "i cant believe he saw me naked, knows what i like in bed, knows what i look/sound like when i come" etc), after a few days that always disspelled, and if anything, our friendship strengthened because of it.

    i would never go cold with a good friend after sex.


    it says a lot about her, tbh, and it doesnt make a good impression.


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  • #7
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    sam34 wrote: »
    if anything, our friendship strengthened because of it.

    You see, this is what I thought would happen. Of the other girls I've been intimate with, one I don't talk to any more as we had a really really messy break up, and the other is one of my best friends. Since this situation didn't really have any bad aspect to it, I thought we'd be closer. I don't expect love or anything close to it, but I thought we'd at least be cool. I dunno. New territory for me. I'm not really worrying about it too much, it's just something I wasn't expecting. I think I'd rather just be close to someone before doing something like that again.


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