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Christmas party and more

  • 08-11-2009 1:29pm
    #1
    coldfire1x
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 3,356 ✭✭✭


    John, woke up after the annual office Christmas party with a pounding headache, cotton-mouthed and utterly unable to recall the events of the preceding evening.

    After a trip to the bathroom, he made his way downstairs, where his wife put some coffee in front of him.

    “Louise,” he moaned, “tell me what happened last night. Was it as bad as I think?”

    “Even worse,” she said, her voice oozing scorn. “You made a complete *** of yourself. You succeeded in antagonising the entire board of directors and you insulted the president of the company, right to his face.”

    “He’s an *******,” John said. “Piss on him.”

    “You did,” came the reply. “And he fired you.”

    “Well, screw him!” said John.

    “I did. You’re back at work on Monday.

    A man goes to his doctor and complains that his wife hasn’t wanted to have sex with him for the past six months.

    The doctor tells the man to bring his wife in so he can talk to her and hopefully determine what the problem is.

    The following day, the wife goes to the doctor’s office. The doctor asks her what’s wrong, why doesn’t she want to have sex with her husband?

    “Oh, that’s easily explained. For the past six months,” the wife says, “I’ve been taking a cab to work every morning. I don’t have any money. The cab driver asks me, ‘Are you going to pay today, or what?’ So, I take an ‘or what’.”

    “Then, when I get to work,” she continues, “I’m late, so the boss asks me, ‘Are we going to write this down in the book, or what?’ So, I take an ‘or what’.

    I take a cab to go home after work and, as usual, I have no money. The cab driver asks me again, ‘So, are you going to pay this time, or what?’ Again, I take an ‘or what’.

    So you see, doc, by the time I get home I’m all tired out and don’t want it anymore.”

    “Yes, I see,” replies the doctor. “So, are we going to tell your husband, or what?”

    A young girl after her honeymoon came fully exhausted and tired,

    When her friends asked her what happened?

    She replied :
    When this 70 year old bastard told me he has saved a lot from last 50 years,

    “I thought It was MONEY”

    Little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book,
    and noticed he had his collar on backwards.

    The little boy asked why he wore his collar backwards.
    The man, who was a priest, said, 'I am a Father.'

    The little boy replied, 'My Daddy doesn't wear his collar like
    that.'

    The priest looked up from his book and answered,
    ''I am the Father of many.'

    The boy said, ''My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren
    and he doesn't wear his collar that way!'

    The priest, getting impatient, said,
    'I am the Father of hundreds', and went back to reading his book.

    The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned over and said,

    ''Maybe you should wear a condom and put your pants on backwards instead of your collar.

    This boy has just taken his girlfriend back to her home after being out together, and when they reach the front door he leans with one hand on the wall and says to her, “Sweetie, why don’t you give me a blowjob?”

    “What? You’re crazy!” she said.

    “Look, don’t worry,” he said. “It will be quick, I promise you.”

    “Nooooooo! Someone may see us, a neighbor, anybody…”

    “At this time of the night no one will show up. Come on, sweetie, I really need it.”

    “I’ve already said NO, and NO is final!”

    “Honey, it’ll just be a really small blowie… I know you like it too.”

    “NO!!! I’ve said NO!!!”

    Desperately, he says, “My love, don’t be like that. I promise you I love you and I really need this blowjob.”

    At this moment the younger sister shows up at the door in her nightgown and her hair totally in disorder. Rubbing her eyes she says: “Dad says, ‘Dammit, give him the blowjob or I’ll have to blow him but for God’s sake, tell your boyfriend to take his hand off the intercom button so the rest of the family can get some sleep.’”

    There was an English man, an Irish man and a Scot at a bar.

    The English man says “I went into me daughters bedroom the other day and found a packet of fags” then says “the thing is I didn’t realised she smoked”

    The Irish man then says “I had a similar experience; I went into my daughters bedroom and found a bottle of vodka” he says “the thing is I didn’t realise she drank”

    The Scot then said “The same thing happened to me; I went into my daughters bedroom and found a packet of condoms” he then says “The thing is I didn’t realise she had a penis.”


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