Can you get back the spark?

LegacyUser

Hey all,

I'm mid-twenties [male], and have been going out with my boyfriend for about 18 months now, my first real relationship. He's a great guy - really kind-hearted, funny, intelligent, and attractive.

Recently, though, I've been thinking of breaking up with him. While I still care for him deeply, I'm not really "in love" with him anymore. [I realise that's a total cliché, btw.]
He's more like a friend I really, really care about and have sex with. I see him 2-3 times a week, but I don't get excited about it anymore.

However, he's still mad about me. [That sounds like such an arrogant thing to say, but I definitely don't think I'm better than him or anything, he...is just more into me than I am into him, by a lot.] And for some ridiculous reason, he thinks that I'm too good for him [I'm not, he's a great guy].

I think the problem is that now that the spark and the initial rush/chemistry has worn off [as it is wont to do at this stage in a relationship], we don't have enough common interests to keep us going. He doesn't have many hobbies of his own, and he shares none of mine. This creates problems, as he has far more free time than me, and can't understand that I can't spend loads with him, as I have other stuff I like to do, too. We don't have really long conversations, even though he's every bit as smart as I am [and more]. We don't really do anything other than lie around in bed together.

I can't believe I'm writing all of this, as the thought of breaking up is scary. I worry so much about how he would be after the breakup, and I really don't want to hurt him. But I also don't want to be one of those people in a relationship just for the sake of it. I also feel weird and guilty whenever he professes his love for me, because I feel hollow by comparison. I do love him and care about him, just not in that way. I wish I still felt the same way about him. He deserves someone who can spend as much time with him as he'd like, and who loves him back equally.

My question is, is it possible to rekindle a relationship that has sort of run out of steam? Is it possible to change the dynamic this late in the game? Does anyone have any advice or comments?

LegacyUser

Hey I only noticed you were both guys after a quick reread and I bet many who read will just assume yer a girl too-not that it matters either way ...It sounds to me like you are starting to feel trapped and the longer this goes on the worse...Id say IF its salvageable have a 'serious talk' with him- otherwise hard as it is its time to part.

LegacyUser

Hi op

I was going through this very same thing up untill last week.Was with my gf for the best part of a year but the last month or 2 things wern't the same...At the start it would be me ringing her and making plans and anytime Id be elsewhere with friends or whatever I'd look for any reason to leave them and meet up with her...I had a connection with her that I never felt before

However near the end things wern't the same for me and it was heart breaking to look her in the face everyday,she'd ring me constantly looking to make plans and I'd always oblige but I felt so bad being out with her because I was racked with guilt,for the first time since we got together they're was starting to be an imbalance in how we felt for each other:(

I spent a good month or so hoping things would pick up but they didn't unfortunately and it got depressing,she was the same girl I was absolutely mad about only a few months previous but something wasn't right.I knew I had to bring it up but she seemed so happy that it broke my heart and anytime i'd psyche myself up to tell her I would crumble at the last second and bail out.Eventually though the moment came and it seemed perfect to tell her there and then

To say she was shocked and devastated would be an understatement!She said stuff and called me things that were totally out of character but I was expecting it and tried to be as calm and understanding as possible.She called for a break,I told her how sorry I was and that she wasn't guilty of anything,she done nothing to make me feel like I did the last few months but that's the way it goes:(

It's been a week now and I couldn't say I feel much better though,she doesn't talk to me or text me back and I feel like I've lost my best friend but at the same time my head feels somewhat clearer,I dont wake up with the constant dread of having to go through with a break up,I just hope she talks to me soon:(

Best of luck with it anyway,sometimes it's worth sticking around and hoping for an upturn but sometimes it becomes obvious that that upturn simply isnt going to come so you owe it to your other half at the very least that you draw the line or at least discuss things!...All the best:)

LegacyUser

Very commendable above poster ...far too many -myself included- havent the guts to make a clean break and end up married with kids before they cop on ...