DESPISE my Dad with every cell in my body!

ronan45

Hi there

Im a late 20s guy and i have for years had a troubled relationship with my overbearing bullying Dad. I wont go into the nitty gritty. ( Insults put downs, laughing at any achivements ) Started a adult education course in a private college said it was "Waste of time" Said i would never make a decent life for myself. I also work for this guy he treats me like a dog we hardly talk but i cant leave i have searched for other jobs for a few months I recently got engaged and he didnt even ask to meet the girl or her parents and asked nothing about her (my mum also) I told them she recently was in a serious accident both my mum and dad said "oh Allright" never asked was she ok.
The list is endless he is an absolute animal to me and extremely hateful is all i can say. He has even reinvented my youth by telling me along with my mum i was a troublesome teenager! I have discussed this with my 3 sister and 1 brother they have confirmed its a total fabrication ( i was in fact quite a lonely teenager with only 1 good friend , kind of a computer geek ill admit loved the video games)
I have decided to totally ignore him outside the work environment i have not visited, phoned, texted my parents since February and plan to TOTALLY ignore them with my Fiance over xmas and into the future. I have vowed he will not set eyes on her again or our kids EVER.
My question should I be the bigger man and allow this animal to treat me like this and visit them and bite my tongue or am i right to totally dissasociate myself and my new family from them. Virtually disown them.
I know you will say oh you should talk. Its been going on since i was a child and we have hardly ever spoken a word never mind string a sentence. I can actually see the malice in his eyes.

Penn

Is he like this with your brothers and sisters too? Whats their opinion?

Peggypeg

Ok OP I'm writing this but please bare in mind that I don't have this problem and I have never experienced it. If I were you I would disassociate myself from them as you have done. It seems from what you are saying that they have some issues, I would wonder about your father's self esteem if he puts you down the way he does. There's only so much you can take from people even if they are your family, you know? If you visit them just to stay in touch based solely on the fact that they are family it's like saying it's ok for them to treat you like this and you're self esteem and confidence will likely suffer. If it were me I'd be moving job as soon as I could (I know you've tried and didn't find anything but that doesn't mean you should give up). I would continue on ignoring them completely, keep in contact with your siblings though. I would wait until / if they contact me and then I would visit them and tell them outstraight:

I am an adult
I will not be treated with anything less than respect
I will not take insults, put downs or bullying
I will not take any children to see them
I will continue my life on without them

Then I would give them a choice they either start acting like loving adult parents or that's it that's the last they would see of me, there's enough bastards willing to drag you down without having your parents doing it too. If you can't say it to them write them a letter. Give examples of what you're talking about, that way they'll have no choice but to admit to themselves they've been c*nts.

Best of luck OP with it all,

BIG BIG BIG HUG to you.

ronan45

ronan45 wrote: »

my overbearing bullying Dad ... Said i would never make a decent life for myself ... treats me like a dog ... we hardly talk ... has even reinvented my youth by telling me along with my mum i was a troublesome teenager

My question should I be the bigger man and allow this animal to treat me like this and visit them and bite my tongue?

Seems like a "no brainer" to me but I understand people find it difficult to burn bridges with family members.

The only thing you need to bear in mind is how it would affect YOU if he died tomorrow and you two never made your peace or you never told him exactly what you thought of him. If you're OK with that, walk away and be happy.

Oh, and get another job as soon as you can.

ronan45

Actually he treats another sister like this to the extent of calling her a tramp and actually putting that ina text!!! and the older one to an extent
more critical of her husband actually. Strange thing the youngest who actually is a spoilt brat and a trouble maker actually gets his behind licked! if he did die i would be upset yes

djk1000

I think sometimes a parent, particularly a father, can resent older children because he sees them as a reason for not living his dreams. He probably wanted to do lots of stuff and that had to take a back seat when he had kids. I'm not saying this to excuse it, just trying to explain one possible reason.

There is no excuse, none whatsoever. You don't deserve this treatment and you should not put up with it. Don't "burn bridges" though, no grand gestures. Just live your life, keep looking for a new job and do your own thing, give up on trying to please him or meet his expectations, you wont. He's a bully and bullys carry on as long as they are allowed to.

ronan45

many thanks for all your thoughts it seems the general sentiment is not to bite my tongue and ignore them. I actually see it as a revenge on him i feel a bit sorry for my mum as no-one really visits her anymore she is heavily influenced by him. But growing up she was a great mum she is in no way as bad as him. Its funny they sit alone in their house now with the majority of their offspring disowning them. sad really

krystel

my first advice: find a new job so you dont have to put up with him

second advice: stop talking/seeing him altogether. I havent seen my father in 4 years and it's the best thing that ever happened to me. i tried for years to have a "normal" relationship with him but he's just an ignorant tw*t.

it sounds really harsh i know but i spent years trying to bond with my father and it just *never* happened.

i dont think he'll ever change, some people just dont. it might be a wake up call for him if you actually stop having any sort of father/son relationship. I know i stopped talking to my father to find out if he'd be bothered... so far he doesnt care. it's been 4 years.

to be honest, as much as it hurts, it's very liberating to know they dont care. at least you can get on with your own life.

Overheal

ronan45 wrote: »

I know you will say oh you should talk.

Haha......no.

Its hard to fix your parents. Impossible even, especially when the relationship is so virulent.

If you're in the position to leave the nest and go live on your own and cut your ties with the father, then by all means do. He's a tumor ****ting all over your life the way you've described him. You cant talk with a tumor. You cut a tumor out. Or go to chemo. But I don't recommend irradiating your father. That could get nasty from a legal standpoint.

foxyboxer

your father sounds like he has some serious issues which would require some professional help. Is he going to do that should you advise him? I doubt it.
He's a grown man but his spiteful actions from what you describe smack completely of immaturity.

He obviously has no respect for you and is having a toxic influence on your life. You should strive to disassociate yourself from him including trying to get a new job. I know it's hard but try you must.

Only by having a clean break can you escape this mental torture.

seamus

Overheal wrote: »

Its hard to fix your parents. Impossible even, especially when the relationship is so virulent.

QFT. Although having a bond with your parents is seen as "correct" and "healthy" that doesn't mean that having a relationship with your parent is always possible, necessary or desirable.
Some people are assholes and they will always be assholes. You can't change them nor are you responsible for trying to change them. It doesn't matter if they're family, an asshole is an asshole.

You can do without his bull****. Move out, move in with your fiancé, get another job - anything - and don't contact him.

Your parents are the ones with the problem. It's not your place to try and fix them or to change yourself to try and please them.

snowy2008

i just wanted to give an outside opinion, im not taking sides here but do you think your dad might be depressed and thats maybe why he is so angry, he might be jealous of you, please dont be angry with him because it doesnt do your heart any good and wont effect him, if you dont want to see him again them thats completly up to you but dont live with any regrets, i had to write because when i say the title i just had too, i lost my father this year and although we had great life together, i would give my right arm just to see him again, thats why i say have no regrets, forgive him for the past and move on with your life

Overheal

snowy2008 wrote: »

i just wanted to give an outside opinion, im not taking sides here but do you think your dad might be depressed and thats maybe why he is so angry, he might be jealous of you, please dont be angry with him because it doesnt do your heart any good and wont effect him, if you dont want to see him again them thats completly up to you but dont live with any regrets, i had to write because when i say the title i just had too, i lost my father this year and although we had great life together, i would give my right arm just to see him again, thats why i say have no regrets, forgive him for the past and move on with your life

Unfortunately his father's demons are not his problem. And anyone who holds themselves responsible for someone else's burdens will only end up burdened twice over.

username123

Get a new job, stay away from your father, dont feel bad over it.
My father was a prize a$$hole - a drunk bully, I didnt speak to him for a few years before he died and never regretted it.

Warfi

snowy2008 wrote: »

i just wanted to give an outside opinion, im not taking sides here but do you think your dad might be depressed and thats maybe why he is so angry, he might be jealous of you, please dont be angry with him because it doesnt do your heart any good and wont effect him, if you dont want to see him again them thats completly up to you but dont live with any regrets, i had to write because when i say the title i just had too, i lost my father this year and although we had great life together, i would give my right arm just to see him again, thats why i say have no regrets, forgive him for the past and move on with your life

I agree with this. If you're going to cut contact and you find you're still angry with your father, well all you've done is cut contact in a physical sense.

You have to leave him behind physically and emotionally, otherwise all he's done and said will haunt you for the rest of your life. Feel sorry for him...he's a man who's lonely and never had a relationship with his children. There must've been some serious sh*t going on in his head for that to happen. That doesn't mean it's your responsibility to be worried about, or take care of, him. Cut him loose but just make sure you don't carry any of the damage he's done into your new life with your fiance.

Congratulations on getting engaged a bright future is ahead of you and it's your's for the taking

blogga

Go home and hit him a box or two. Time he learned exactly what he is. Then cut him off forever.

Zaph

blogga wrote: »

Go home and hit him a box or two. Time he learned exactly what he is. Then cut him off forever.

Banned for 1 week for advocating violence

VinnyTGM

It's too late for them to change, he's been treating you like this for your whole life, he should be begging you for forgiveness, get a new job, don't even tell him what you think of him or what you plan on doing, just walk away from him.

He will only affect your family badly.

unreggd

Hi OP

I was in a similar situation with my Mam, and its only recently, after 3 years of no contact, things are being sorted out

Im kinda the same with my Dad now for diff reasons, but thats a whole diff story

My Ma was the same, had nothing nice to say about, never gave me credit for anything
[dont smoke/drink, never in trouble with the cops, did good in and finished school etc]

So I left home when I was 18

We have too much crap already at this age to deal with without our parents makin us feel worse

Don't listen to anyone who says "but they're your parents, they raised you" etc

They made the choice to have us and raise us. You dont raise a child expecting to be paid back for it, and it doesnt give them the right to treat us badly

Anyways, everyone in my family [siblings, aunts uncles etc] annoyed me for ages sayin I was just bein a kid, holdin a grudge etc. so far I almost belived it myself

But I stuck to my guns and it finally clicked in her head, and now shes changed a bit, so things are startin to get better between us


So, my advice is to get as far out of your current situation as you can, and do what makes you happy

If they contact you after a while, then it may be a sign they've finally copped they were bein cxnts and wanna sort it out

If not, contact them urself after a year or so. Send them a letter, as posted above

saying what they did and how it makes you feel

And make sure you're truly happy if it turns out you never see / speak to them ever again

These things take time

Still a long way back for me and my Ma


Good luck with the situation, and feel free to PM me for a chat

King of Kings

blogga wrote: »

Go home and hit him a box or two. Time he learned exactly what he is. Then cut him off forever.

dude - I hear ya.

Maybe before you dig him - call him up on the ****e he has given you. Cos it sounds horrible - he sounds horrible.

Ask him does putting you down make him feel like a man cos you find it rather pathetic that he needs to put his kids down to make himself feel better.
Tell him you have no respect for him cos he is such a pathetic a cock.

Might as well stick you mam in that rant cos she is as bad as she has let him get away with that to HER kids for years.

The important thing is to plan in advance what you are to say - stick to the script and avoid going off on an emotional blubber.
plan in advance his retorts , if any.
Also don't hold back - all forms of abuse are warranted - if this is to be your swansong with your parents you need to go out in style with nothing left unsaid.

By all means lay a dig on him if it makes you feel better. But it is more satisfying to beat somebody verbally or mentally rather than flying in with the fists.

nesbitt

OP you are already a better guy than your Dad so you don't have to have a showdown with him. It seems he is a bully. You have recently got engaged, good for you and congratulations. You completed an adult course, well done you. Concentrate on the + in your life, your Mam, other family and friends and of course your fiance. If I were you I would move heaven and earth to get another job and this will enable you to distance yourself from your bullying Dad.

Emme

ronan45 wrote: »

Said i would never make a decent life for myself. I also work for this guy he treats me like a dog we hardly talk but i cant leave i have searched for other jobs... I have decided to totally ignore him outside the work environment i have not visited, phoned, texted my parents since February and plan to TOTALLY ignore them with my Fiance over xmas and into the future.

You're dealing with this in a positive way but as long as you work for your toxic father he will continue to pile on the abuse. Keep looking for another job or if you can maybe go out on your own. I know it's a bad time but if you yourself have a loyal clientele it might work. He'll chip away at your self esteem as long as you're working for him. If he sees that you're capable of making an independent life for yourself he'll see you in a different light and more important, you will feel a lot better about yourself.

Good luck.

The Recliner

Anyone else advocating violence will be banned for a month

Peggypeg

Hey OP, just wondering if there's any news with this? Have you settled on a plan of action?