didnt go to the funeral

LegacyUser

Hi, I feel awful about missing a friends mothers funeral, I hadnt seen her in quite a well and even before that we didnt really keep that much in touch. Were both mid 20s,we were great friends at one point though and I know she would have really appreciated it if I was there. I missed the removal as I didnt even know it had happened which is fair enough.

I found out she died the same night that the removal was on , just by chance of bumping into someone, so I had 2 days to get the morning/noon off but due to alot of stuff going on in work I decided not to. I wont lie, I could have if I really wanted to, my job would have understood. I dont know why I didnt go. It would have been alot of hassle buts no excuse, I know she would have appreciated me there.

Its now been a few days since the funeral and I don't know how to go about it, I dont want to go ringing her with a bunch of excuses, and a cheap text/email is out of the question.

I have sent her a mass card with a note offering my sympathy and expressing my sorrow for missing it, do you think that would be appreciated?
I remember my Grandad years ago and my mother telling me at the time you 'always remember the people that dont show up', but even she said a nice mass card with a note would be enough, especially at our age.

VB1962

Hey,

I'm sure your Friend will value the Mass Card and the note even more - at times like this people do appreciate the efforts others make whether it's turning up at the funeral or sending their condolences.

Nobody measures the depth of your friendship by your attendance at a funeral.

You did the right thing in the circumstances.

CathyMoran

I didnt go to a friends dads funeral, was in the area but got too upset...he appreciated the mass card though...the mass card is fine. I was beating myself up for ages but my friend did not mind.

LegacyUser

When my father died, I really appreciated the people who made the effort to go to the funeral.

But I also appreciated the people who didn't go for their own reasons. It really didn't bother me. And the card was a nice touch.

finbarrk

Give her a call, she will appreciate it and you will feel better yourself.

LegacyUser

Same boat as you OP but was my ex's Father who had passed. I was abroad for a long time & returning a week later. She texted me (my fon was not working properly) before i got an influx of texts / voicemails & emails to inform me.

Not thinking striaght, dont know if i asked her should i return or not, anyway, i didnt......Felt so bad after. Met up with her when i got back to Ireland. Ended up texting her like a month later as was feeling so guilty about not changing my flights, she brushed it off as ok, but 'i think' it did bother her....

To answer your question - Yes i think a mass card will suffice since you havent really stayed in touch, but doesnt mean your friend has forgotten you didnt attend!

Wooder79

Don't feel bad OP. I lost my sister recently and the thing that I appreciated more than anything at the time of the funeral and over the last few weeks was just knowing that people where thinking about the family. You showed your friend that you were thinking of them when you sent the card. You have nothing to feel guilty about at all.

martdalto

It's easy to lose touch with good friends as the years go on, and I think she would understand and appreciate the mass card.

But how about contacting her over the next couple of weeks. It's after the initial "flurry" of the funeral dies down that bereaved people start to feel very alone. All the activity surrounding the funeral is over... Any visitors, relatives etc who were around for the funeral have gone home. People tend to drift back to their own daily lives and "move on" from the funeral.

I think she would like if you contacted her, just to ask her how she's doing. Ask her would she like to meet up. It might feel awkward for you at first, but I think it would be a nice gesture, and it might rekindle a nice friendship?

LegacyUser

thanks for the replies everyone , Im glad to see that it is not a disaster situation, some good suggestions, good idea about contacting her when things die down.

@Wooder79: I appreciate your post , as you know first hand what it must be like, and I hope your doing well yourself regarding your sisters passing.