am i right or wrong?

LegacyUser

hi all, right i need some advice and be honest.
basically, im a mid 20s male who had been going out with a girl for the past 2years. we were really good friends before we got together, we were really close. i finally thought i had found "the one" as it were.

anyways, before we ever got together she and her friend had been planning round the world trip together. so she upped it and left and before she went we said that we would stay together and so we did. we got skype phones and rang each other twice a day, everyday, emailed back and forth a few times, i caught up with her twice on the trip.

so towards the end of her round the world, we go through a bit of a rough patch and she tells me she wants a break. im gutted and say no, im not waiting round this long for someone only to end up going on a break. (i know what the general thought is here-she wants a break to do a bit of guilt free stuff while the opportunity is there etc, personally i do not think she would do that but who knows.)

our fights continue and we end up breaking up-one of the hardest things i have ever done. so fast forward a few weeks and she arrives home, and fairly soon after i start getting messages and phone calls from her asking to meet up. eventually i cave and i do. she tells me us breaking up was a massive mistake and shes going to do everything in her power to get me and what we had back. im thinking "im never going have anybody ever say this kind of thing to me in a million years, she must really love me" and finally i tell her im willing to give it another go.

from the start of the 2nd time round, im finding it really hard to get back into being all lovey and stuff, i just didnt feel any real connection, and told her so. we agree to try and work on it and we did.

so one morning im in her flat, shes gone off to work and i go on her computer to look up the internet.her gmail is open on inbox so, without any real explaination i have a look, and see one conversation with a fairly naughty subjectline from some lad that i had heard was after her while she was on hols. naturally enough (ok, i invaded her privacy and that is very wrong i know) i opened the conversation and oh my god the stuff he was saying to her about what he would like to do to her and the simple fact that none of her replys were along the lines of "fook off im taken" nearly popped my heart right out. i confronted her and after a lot of arguing she admitted this guy had been flirting and had even kissed her while on hols. i cant believe this had happened and she never told me.

after a few months we eventually get over it, but lately we have been arguing really badly over some very niggley stuff and she kept asking me whats wrong, she doesnt think i love/want/care for her in the same way anymore, im telling her i do as i really wanted to get back on track to what we had. eventually today i came to the realisation that we will never have what we had, too much has happened, my trust levels has been shot, and im holding back so much now out of fear of getting hurt again. so i tell her my thoughts and she was crying and asking me what can she do to make things better. i told her there is nothing else to do, shes done her bit, its me, im not feeling the same i was or i know i should be. i feel like ive been nearly but never fully in the relationship ever since.

we broke up, its such a horrible feeling, i know i still love this girl so much and i know she still loves me,but i just cant seem to get over the fact that guy kissed her and i would have never known had i not been a nosey aul sod who looked at an open inbox. im such a mess right now, i feel i have lost one of my closest friends,someone i really love and admire as a person, and knowing this is killing her probably as much as it is me is just destroying me altogether.

have i done the right/wrong thing?

thank you for reading

extrinzic

I would have ended it too if I were you. Trust is the basis of everything. Chalk it down to experience and find some one who has made mistakes they regret. At least they will know the price for crap like this. If you take her back she will believe you will take anything.

opinion guy

ok first.
Repeat after me. There is no one. You've built her up to be a perfect creature and now you've discovered she's not. The dejection you are feeling is directly related to your own expecations.

Second thing. Did you kiss anyone else in all this time ? If so, did you tell her ?

LegacyUser

hi thanks for the replys. i cant really harp on about trust, i did break that when i decided to look at her inbox messages, but it was only because i had heard of this guys name, and when i seen it curiosity got the better of me i guess.
i know theres no such thing as a perfect person but we really just clicked, something i have never expericened before. she was really really upset by this break up, it was aweful to know i was the sole cause of it.i have never once kissed anybody when i was with her, neither when she was here, asking for a break etc. when we did break up originally i did kiss someone else, but when she came back telling she how much she wants to make a go of it again, i told her straight up i had kissed someone else while we were broken up. i just cant for the life of me understand how she could not tell me that yer man kissed her, if it were me, i would have been riddled with guilt even though i had done nothing wrong.

LegacyUser

oh dear god this is so hard, i had a sleepless night, woke up this morning and she text me, she cant get out of bed,everything around her is a reminder of me, she cant let me go, wants to move to be closer to me and all the while im trying to tell her that i cant get over the hurt of the previous breakup or forget the kiss that i was never told about. she wants to work through it, but i cant, im too afraid that in 6months down the line, im still feeling not fully in the relationship and putting up a front to make everyone happy, and all the while id still be distant from her.
has anybody ever broken up with someone in order to stop their loved one from getting more hurt, or is this a daft notion in my head?

LegacyUser

hi all, my god i must be such a naggin aul nora, im replying to my own posts, this is really hard going, yesterday she offered to give up her job and move to be closer to me to work things out. id never ask anybody to do that, i tried to explain that its a lovely gesture but what if she moved here and 6 months down the line im still feeling im not fully in the relationship and end it completely, that would be a horrible thing to do to anybody right?
she asked me was i really willing to just give up everything we have been through, give up on the future she said she visualises with me, give up on everything else because i feel i cant possibley let go of the past and get over the hurt, get back to being able to trust her fully again. when she put it to me like that i just had to say i needed a few days to think and ill be in touch. my god this is hard going, and besides this i have a load of deadlines that i need to meet so my attention is needed elsewhere right now.
any advice rolling my way guys? id really appriciate some!

token56

There is alot of history here between you two so its hard for someone outside to comment, but here are my thoughts anyway.

Personally I think its the right choice. You seem to know yourself that even if you try and work at it etc you just wont be able to trust her fully in your relationship like you did before and trust is the foundation of all solid relationships in my opinion. The problem is there is a precident set between you two in terms of trust before you broke up and then found out about this kiss. And now no matter what you are always going to be looking to get back to that level of trust, which just probably isn't possible. If you cant get to that level of trust then the relationship will never feel the same.

Granted she is obviously distraught at you breaking up and I know you are the same even though this is your decision. But I think its better in the long run rather than risk both of you getting hurt alot more 6 months down the line if she decides to give up her job and move. The right decision are normally the hardest ones to make.

Best of Luck OP

opinion guy

To be honest.
I think you may be over-reacting if it was just a kiss.
I know that its more about the trust issue than that. But I kind of feel like you are being very dramatic, maybe to punish her. It seems obvious by now that you've got your point across to her. You need to decide either to forgive her and get over it or just be done with it. Just don't string it out - punishing her will only make you both feel like crap

Mr Yellow

Question for you OP - was the email from Mr Promiscuous sent to your girl since you got back together & did she reply while acting as your 'girlfriend'?
For me personally, the basis of any relationship is TRUST, no trust then walk away (just my opinion though). I had similar experience..
For a while, the more you push her away teh more she will want you. She made teh mistakes so i think its up to you if you wish to forgive her & move on OR tell her to go F**k herself....TOUGH CHOICE

wasper

I am willing to bet she did more than kissing that guy.
Go with your instincts. If you feel that it doesn't feel right then breaking up is the best thing. Each move on with his/her life.

LegacyUser

hi all thanks for replying, needed to get some feedback. you are right in one sense opinion guy, im not so upset about the actual kiss, but moreso the fact she didnt tell me, and i would have never have known had i not been a nosey bucko. i mean if she doesnt think enough of me to tell me that kind of thing, then where is the line drawn there right?
my yellow's question about the email, im not 100% per cent sure, it was either around the time we were going through the first break up or when we actually broken up. i had heard of this guy from someone else prior to seeing the email so i knew he was after her. i honestly dont think she would do anything more with him while with me, but ill never know now i guess.
i rang her lastnite and told her on one hand i could just give it another shot and would be liable to fall into the routine i had of pretending everythings ok and sooner or later all this surfaces again and we break up over it or something similiar down the line or we break up now and save ourselves the grief. i really dont want to put her through another few months of thinking everythings getting back on track only for me to turn around and say sorry, still not over everything thats happened yet.does that make any sense?
anyways she was desperately upset, which made me even more upset, she ended with telling me she thought i was "the one", and that just knocked me completely. it really is so hard deciding whats the right thing to do here.

opinion guy

Well, does she get why you are upset about this ?

Hmmm you know I just reread all this - am I correct, the email was from a time you were broken up and the kiss was from a time you were broken up? From your original post i had assumed this email was a recent thing.

To be honest if thats the case I think you are WAY overreacting. Yes it would have been nice for her to be honest with you, but you WERE broken up. She's not obliged to tell you, just as she's not obliged to tell you about everyone she was with before you got together in the first place. Hmmm when you got back together did you ask her had she kissed anyone even (if you did and she lied THEN I see a problem )

You need to ask yourself if you don't stop punishing her and you drive her away permanently will you regret it 6 months a year down the line.

In fact I'm starting to think you are the one in the wrong here (unless I've picked things up wrong). You invaded her privacy for apparently no reason and you've found an email from a time you were broken up or thereabouts and found out she kissed some guy when she was single and perfectly entitled to and now you are using it to beat her about the head.

She kissed some guy and exchanged dirty emails when she was single. She didn't tell you. As I said unless you asked and she lied she hasn't done anything wrong. Get over it or lose her.

LegacyUser

ok id better clarify here, this guy kissed her while she was on holidays but supposed to still be with me.
a few months later the emails i seen were exchanged, which means he knew she was taken when he first tried kissing, and a few months later was still in contact with her. (which leads me to wonder what kind of girlfriend lets another bloke kiss her, decides not to tell the then boyfriend AND stays in contact a few months down the line with the same attempted kisser man.

when we were getting back together, i did ask had she kissed someone while broken up, and i admitted i did.
she told me she did one night a few weeks previous (re clarification here- kisserman happened while shes on hols over the xmas, literally months before we ever broke up, the kiss shes admitting to happened somewhere between may and june)

thats exactly the prospect im finding so hard, life without her 6months to a year down the line, what if im making a grave mistake and end up loosing someone i think highly of and someone i hopefully feels the same.

davyjose

TBH, OP it sounds like you gave a lot more than she gave you. You tried hard to make the relationship work. She left to travel; she demanded a break after you had gone to such efforts to keep the relationship going, so she could mess about.

As someone said, chalk it off to experience. There's nothing for you to gain here, and nothing to feel guilty about.

davyjose

opinion guy wrote: »

Well, does she get why you are upset about this ?

Hmmm you know I just reread all this - am I correct, the email was from a time you were broken up and the kiss was from a time you were broken up? From your original post i had assumed this email was a recent thing.

To be honest if thats the case I think you are WAY overreacting. Yes it would have been nice for her to be honest with you, but you WERE broken up. She's not obliged to tell you, just as she's not obliged to tell you about everyone she was with before you got together in the first place. Hmmm when you got back together did you ask her had she kissed anyone even (if you did and she lied THEN I see a problem )

You need to ask yourself if you don't stop punishing her and you drive her away permanently will you regret it 6 months a year down the line.

In fact I'm starting to think you are the one in the wrong here (unless I've picked things up wrong). You invaded her privacy for apparently no reason and you've found an email from a time you were broken up or thereabouts and found out she kissed some guy when she was single and perfectly entitled to and now you are using it to beat her about the head.

She kissed some guy and exchanged dirty emails when she was single. She didn't tell you. As I said unless you asked and she lied she hasn't done anything wrong. Get over it or lose her.

She was single so she could do these very things, then when it suits, she takes him back! The OP was the one who made every allowance for this girl, and that still wasn't good enough!!!

Moomoo1

OP, I think the kiss doesn't matter so much here, that just clouds the issue. What she needs to explain to you is this: if she loves you so much and wants to be with you so much, then why the hell did she break up with you? It seems that she has offered no truly convincing explanation to that.

opinion guy

Thanks for the clarification OP. Sorry if i misunderstood.

Hmm I'm inclined to agree with Davyjose with this new information.

I also agree with moomoo1.

Also - does she get why you are upset ? I mean did you actually explain to her - its not about the kiss, its about the way you went about it ? Cos i think that is very important as to what you should do. If she simply doesn't get it then I'd be concerned she'd do it again. If she does get it and is genuinely guitly and sincerely apologises then I'd be more trusting of her (actually has she apologised ?)

Hmmm I don't want to upset you, but have you asked her if it went any further than kissing ?

LegacyUser

well the original break up was based around two things from what i know of.
(1) prior to coming home, she wanted a break to take time out to figure out if coming home and being with me was what she really wanted. i wasnt willing to go on a break, im of the opinion you are either with someone or you are not, quit the messing.
(2) when she was certain she was coming home (which was at the start of summer) i wanted us to move in together, just for the summer months, as i had to back to college come september. so i wanted us to move in, reconnect, and hopefully rebuild the relationship to te point it was at prior to her leaveing to go travelling. she was not willing to move in so i kind of said look, come on to fook, its 3months i think we need this. she wasnt budging and eventually started saying she understood if i wanted to break up as i wanted more from the relationship than what she did at that moment in time.
so we broke up, a few weeks passed and she starts contacting me and saying she regretted everything and so we got back together, and that leads me up to the original post here i think....
messy...isnt it?

davyjose

I'd agree that the kiss isn't important ... if this were a normal situation. but the OP's gf clearly manipulated the situation to her own end. This put a huge hole in the relationship, that she now expects the OP to repair.

She doesn't necessarily strike me as a nasty person, just a very emotionally immature one tbh.

LegacyUser

sorry, just seen opinion guys response.
yes, when i did first confront her about the kiss incident she swore blind that nothing else happened, he made a move, she was abit drunk, the kiss lasted a few seconds. (not to sound like a broken record here but its not really the kiss im concerned about, we all make mistakes, she was on hols, hopefully missing me and this guys pounces, i can get my head round that)
she understands my reasoning for wanting to end it now, but her arguement is simple, why give up on this relationship after coming so far, she says shes willing to do anything to make it work out, move if necessary, so when i hear things like that, i end up questioning my decision (hence my need to get some outsiders perspectives on this one)
thanks for the continued replys by the way, i havnt anybody to talk this over with, so im fairly relient on advice here

LegacyUser

last night i completely caved, i was thinking about her, and how this must be affecting her so i rang her, no reply, figured she might be asleep so i text her sking if she was ok..she isnt..shes really hurting and its all my fault.
should i just cop the fook on and give it another go or should i try sticking to being broken up, because i really dont know anymore.

Moomoo1

ok, a few more things

1) do you still think that she is 'the one'?

2) what's your gut reaction regarding the breaks, break-ups and kisses; do you think she is telling the whole truth?

3) what's your gut feeling about her long-term intentions: do you think she decided for sure that she wants to be with you or is it just that she wants to get what she doesn't have?

I think that if you want to be with her and if she wants to be with you, then maybe you should give it a go. Your logic of 'yeah, but what if we break up after a few months, how is this fair on her' isn't valid imho. She's an adult, and is able to choose for herself: if she wants to take the risk of things not working out down the line, then you cannot deny her that just because you think 'it would hurt her'. That's rather patronising actually. But tell her that this time you really won't be taking any more sh*t...

If you don't want to be with her, and just feel pity for her, then that's different...

LegacyUser

Im gonna go against the crowd here and say that from youve told us, if I was in your position id probably try to give it another go. I mean, if youve told her all your fears and shes willing to take the risk because she thinks you might be "the one", then isnt the possible payoff of making it work worth more then the possible pain? I mean, if she is this devastated about the possibility of things ending, and she knows that its down to her stupidity in kissing someone when she was with you, then surely she seriously regrets the fact that she made that mistake enough not to make it again?

I dunno, at the end of the day im not in your shoes and you obviously know best so im not gonna give you any definite advice.

Best of luck anyway whatever your decision is, hope it works out for you

LegacyUser

moo moo1's questions, hope im answering them correctly here.
(1) do i think shes the one?..i had imagined us being together for a hell of a lot longer than 2years, this might sound really out there for a mid twenties bloke but the idea of some fine day (way into the future now!) i could see some kind of family there (wayyy into the future) so if that makes her the one then i guess so. in oder words, embracing my new found freedom is not a thing id be doing anytime soon.
(2) gut reaction- dont do breaks, see them as a cop out. can kind of understand her need for one at the time, being away that length, the idea of coming home to recession filled ireland as opposed to sunsoaked oz, it would be a big decision in itself, nevermind the relationship side of things. the kiss- simply dont know. at the time i did manage to get her to admit she kind of enjoyed getting his attention, knew she had him id say. break ups- very difficult and hence why i dont intend on doing them too often!
(3) shes an emotionally fuelled type person, but i do think shes in it for the long haul. telling me she thought i was the one, cant imagine that gets thrown out too often,or does it? i dunno.

give it a go, thanks for the advice, i do think she regrets not telling me about the kiss incident, it was a big call to make, i see it as the wrong one not tellling me, but different strokes different folks i guess.

LegacyUser

oh lord this break up business is tough going, im after trying to ring her there, iv no idea what the hell i was going to say, she didnt answer anysways so i think im officially being given the oul heave ho, dagans.
its hard having someone being cut out of your life